Triggered by previous experiences?
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Triggered by previous experiences?
Hi, back on here for some advice as the last time I had any issues in a relationship this forum helped me so much.
Reading back my last post was over 3 years ago when I was in quite an abusive and chaotic relationship with an alcoholic and cocaine addict, thankfully I got out of that relationship a few months after I posted.
Last year I got into another short relationship with someone who turned out to have a cocaine problem, using it at least once a week
Looking back to my teenage years my Mum drank a lot and has always said she was an alcoholic at that time, I never used to agree but as I've gotten older I do think she was.
Fast forward to now and I have been dating the most amazing man for the past 6 months. I think we both have some issues and insecurities, but we work at them and are very honest with each other. dating during covid has meant we have spent a lot of time in each others homes rather than going out and getting to know each other in a normal environment, and a lot of the time this has involved drinking and dabbling with cocaine. I have realised however that he has a drink and cocaine problem. I have tried to say that I don't want us to drink every time we see each other, and have had the odd midweek evening where I don't drink but he still does, despite me asking him not to when I'm there. He is a really happy drunk, works full time, meets all obligations etc and I'm trying to figure out why I feel so anxiously triggered when he gets drunk.
Would his drinking be an issue for me had I not had a bad experience in the past? Yes, he changes a little when he's drunk, but only in that he showers me with compliments and loving texts. He does have down days and I'm trying to establish whether there is a pattern with this following him having had a few dry days.
I don't really want to talk to him on the phone etc when he's drunk as I find it annoying. I also question my own relationship with alcohol and cocaine and wonder if I am being hypocritical when I occasionally dabble myself (albeit this has increased in frequency since I met this guy). I've never been much of a regular drinker but do binge on a night out, and I don't have very good will power when other people are drinking or doing things in front of me. It's making me wonder if I need to stop seeing him if he can't abstain when I'm there, so that I'm not putting myself under (my own) pressure not to join in.
I guess really what I'm trying to figure out is if I am being triggered by previous experiences, and what I can do to help myself if that is the case. Have been wondering if I should look into al anon to explore whether I may the one with issues.
Any help from you wise people would be much appreciated
Reading back my last post was over 3 years ago when I was in quite an abusive and chaotic relationship with an alcoholic and cocaine addict, thankfully I got out of that relationship a few months after I posted.
Last year I got into another short relationship with someone who turned out to have a cocaine problem, using it at least once a week
Looking back to my teenage years my Mum drank a lot and has always said she was an alcoholic at that time, I never used to agree but as I've gotten older I do think she was.
Fast forward to now and I have been dating the most amazing man for the past 6 months. I think we both have some issues and insecurities, but we work at them and are very honest with each other. dating during covid has meant we have spent a lot of time in each others homes rather than going out and getting to know each other in a normal environment, and a lot of the time this has involved drinking and dabbling with cocaine. I have realised however that he has a drink and cocaine problem. I have tried to say that I don't want us to drink every time we see each other, and have had the odd midweek evening where I don't drink but he still does, despite me asking him not to when I'm there. He is a really happy drunk, works full time, meets all obligations etc and I'm trying to figure out why I feel so anxiously triggered when he gets drunk.
Would his drinking be an issue for me had I not had a bad experience in the past? Yes, he changes a little when he's drunk, but only in that he showers me with compliments and loving texts. He does have down days and I'm trying to establish whether there is a pattern with this following him having had a few dry days.
I don't really want to talk to him on the phone etc when he's drunk as I find it annoying. I also question my own relationship with alcohol and cocaine and wonder if I am being hypocritical when I occasionally dabble myself (albeit this has increased in frequency since I met this guy). I've never been much of a regular drinker but do binge on a night out, and I don't have very good will power when other people are drinking or doing things in front of me. It's making me wonder if I need to stop seeing him if he can't abstain when I'm there, so that I'm not putting myself under (my own) pressure not to join in.
I guess really what I'm trying to figure out is if I am being triggered by previous experiences, and what I can do to help myself if that is the case. Have been wondering if I should look into al anon to explore whether I may the one with issues.
Any help from you wise people would be much appreciated
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hanging out with someone who is altered by drugs and drinking all the time might be fun, but it is not a solid foundation for a meaningful relationship. It is not possible to really get to know someone who is avoiding the reality and totality of their own emotional experience.
The thing is, you get to decide what's acceptable in a relationship for you and what isn't. It doesn't really have anything to do with being triggered.
The thing is, you get to decide what's acceptable in a relationship for you and what isn't. It doesn't really have anything to do with being triggered.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
wishing......with this guy, it does sound to me like you are walking on thin ice---where angels fear to tread. I say that because I can see so many red flags. Perhaps you see them also--and I think it would be in your best interest and welfare to pay attention to them.
If you haven't already read "Co-dependent No More", I suggest that you would really find it helpful---it is the most frequently recommended book on this forum.
I agree that alanon can be useful for you---for your own validation from people who understand and for your own self exploration.
I think that this would be a wonderful opportunity to invest in your self. It is the greatest gift that you can ever give yourself----and, it can change your whole life.
If you haven't already read "Co-dependent No More", I suggest that you would really find it helpful---it is the most frequently recommended book on this forum.
I agree that alanon can be useful for you---for your own validation from people who understand and for your own self exploration.
I think that this would be a wonderful opportunity to invest in your self. It is the greatest gift that you can ever give yourself----and, it can change your whole life.
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Originally Posted by wishinghigh1 
I guess really what I'm trying to figure out is if I am being triggered by previous experiences, and what I can do to help myself if that is the case.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Originally Posted by wishinghigh1
Have been wondering if I should look into al anon to explore whether I may the one with issues.
You are involved with someone who is an alcoholic and drug user and you have found you are increasing your drug usage in that environment. Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
He is not relationship material right now, so if you are actually looking for a longer term/caring relationship, this isn't it.
I think you are right to question yourself and to seek help figuring this out. The book dandylion mentioned is a great start.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
At a minimum, this relationship is bad for you because you’re drinking and drugging more when you’re with him.
It’s easy to forget that when it seems to have been “normal” in all of your relationships, but I would also point out that cocaine possession can get you in serious legal trouble. It’s not just this relationship that could mess up your life.
Wishing you clarity and peace.
It’s easy to forget that when it seems to have been “normal” in all of your relationships, but I would also point out that cocaine possession can get you in serious legal trouble. It’s not just this relationship that could mess up your life.
Wishing you clarity and peace.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Functional is a stage, not a type of addict. He maybe meeting his obligations now, but active addiction always involves erosion. Usually it begins with home and loved ones while seeking to maintain a positive productive public face.
EX: I did a great job at work for many years and was a fun and “happy” drunk. Until I slowly became a depressed and increasingly mean drunk but my public persona was professional and positive. My spouse increased his drinking to stay engaged in the relationship.
And then I started cutting little corners at work. Fortunately, I saw the deterioration and knew I had to quit then and did, but so many addicts don’t and end up fired. Now my spouse is battling a serious alcohol abuse problem himself. Bad call to drink with a drunk.
You are getting a warning, not just a trigger. This person is not in a healthy place for a relationship right now.
EX: I did a great job at work for many years and was a fun and “happy” drunk. Until I slowly became a depressed and increasingly mean drunk but my public persona was professional and positive. My spouse increased his drinking to stay engaged in the relationship.
And then I started cutting little corners at work. Fortunately, I saw the deterioration and knew I had to quit then and did, but so many addicts don’t and end up fired. Now my spouse is battling a serious alcohol abuse problem himself. Bad call to drink with a drunk.
You are getting a warning, not just a trigger. This person is not in a healthy place for a relationship right now.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
This guy probably has more than a drink & cocaine problem. He might be an alcoholic coke addict.
Certainly if he truly just has like a minor problem with this drug combo and you asked him to refrain from use once in a while when you would rather not use, he out of respect for your wishes & caring for your well being would easily comply. But no he doesnt stop. Maybe he cant stop. Few alcoholic coke addicts can.
You either want this type of addicted person in your life or you dont. If not then just move on like you did before.
Certainly if he truly just has like a minor problem with this drug combo and you asked him to refrain from use once in a while when you would rather not use, he out of respect for your wishes & caring for your well being would easily comply. But no he doesnt stop. Maybe he cant stop. Few alcoholic coke addicts can.
You either want this type of addicted person in your life or you dont. If not then just move on like you did before.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 12
Thankyou all so much for taking the time to reply, I've been processing what you all have said and taken a lot on board.
Dandylion I started reading co dependant no more after your suggestion, oh my goodness I am definitely a codie! in all areas of my life. I think this book will be really helpful to explore myself further. I'm realising that with this guy I'm starting to fall into the co-dependent tendencies and I need to nip that in the bud immediately before I'm drawn further in
Also massively taking on board the warnings about me drinking and using more, I've always dabbled with drink and the odd 'party' drug on the odd occasion, but it becoming more regular is definitely not ok for me and I need to address that urgently.
Warnings, not triggers - I find that really powerful. and makes me feel a little more sane about the situation and helps me cope with this feeling having it redefined , it seems my subconscious has alarm bells ringing. He really is one of the nicest people I have every met, considerate, loving, treats me with so much respect, and I do hope that this is something we can address so that we can move forward. But your words have made me question things and I am realising that I need to be firmer with my boundaries and pull back a little to view the relationship with open eyes
Dandylion I started reading co dependant no more after your suggestion, oh my goodness I am definitely a codie! in all areas of my life. I think this book will be really helpful to explore myself further. I'm realising that with this guy I'm starting to fall into the co-dependent tendencies and I need to nip that in the bud immediately before I'm drawn further in
Also massively taking on board the warnings about me drinking and using more, I've always dabbled with drink and the odd 'party' drug on the odd occasion, but it becoming more regular is definitely not ok for me and I need to address that urgently.
Warnings, not triggers - I find that really powerful. and makes me feel a little more sane about the situation and helps me cope with this feeling having it redefined , it seems my subconscious has alarm bells ringing. He really is one of the nicest people I have every met, considerate, loving, treats me with so much respect, and I do hope that this is something we can address so that we can move forward. But your words have made me question things and I am realising that I need to be firmer with my boundaries and pull back a little to view the relationship with open eyes
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
wishinghigh.....I think it is a really good sign for YOu that you have already started reading and learning......knowledge is power.
since you seem to have a willing attitude toward learning and self exploration....I am giving you the following link to our "library" of more than an hundred articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. This library is in the "Classic Reading" section of the stickies (above the regular threads).
Classic Reading - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (Classic Reading)
IN ADDDITION........if you will go to the main overall forums webpage....and, then, go to the form at the bottom of the page......called "The Best of Soberrecovery".....you will find more of the very excellent articles that soberrecovery has to offer. You won't find a better collection anywhere!
since you seem to have a willing attitude toward learning and self exploration....I am giving you the following link to our "library" of more than an hundred articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. This library is in the "Classic Reading" section of the stickies (above the regular threads).
Classic Reading - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (Classic Reading)
IN ADDDITION........if you will go to the main overall forums webpage....and, then, go to the form at the bottom of the page......called "The Best of Soberrecovery".....you will find more of the very excellent articles that soberrecovery has to offer. You won't find a better collection anywhere!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,009
Hi Wishing, kudos to you for questioning what is going on with yourself and your relationship.
I am a big ol' codependent myself; however I did like the occasional glass of wine with dinner . . . this enjoyment turned in to 2 glasses of wine which turned into 3-4 glasses of wine every night. Ugh.
As a codependent who had done a lot of reading, I knew where alcohol could lead. Sure there were tons of people worse than me when it came to drinking. My drinking wasn't affecting my live and relationships. . . . yet . . . ."yet" is the operative word here. I quit. I have no idea if I'm an alcoholic or not. I don't care; I'm not messing around anymore with something that could destroy my life. This was two and a half years ago. My life hasn't changed but I'm certain my future has changed. That is enough.
Making decisions about drinking or not is usually a personal decision. He might want to continue drinking and taking cocaine. That is his decision. You may well want to continue down this path yourself. Many people don't find it worth it to quit. That is up to each individual.
The best you can do is figure out what you want in your own life. Do you want to continue having relationships with addicts/alcoholics? Do you want to continue your own drinking/drugging? In spite of warnings, most of us have to learn experientially what works for us with both our own drinking as well as maintaining a relationship with addicts/alcoholics.
Please let us know how you get on. These situations and decisions can be brutal.
Originally Posted by wishinghigh1
Also massively taking on board the warnings about me drinking and using more, I've always dabbled with drink and the odd 'party' drug on the odd occasion, but it becoming more regular is definitely not ok for me and I need to address that urgently.
As a codependent who had done a lot of reading, I knew where alcohol could lead. Sure there were tons of people worse than me when it came to drinking. My drinking wasn't affecting my live and relationships. . . . yet . . . ."yet" is the operative word here. I quit. I have no idea if I'm an alcoholic or not. I don't care; I'm not messing around anymore with something that could destroy my life. This was two and a half years ago. My life hasn't changed but I'm certain my future has changed. That is enough.
Originally Posted by wishinghigh1
I do hope that this is something we can address so that we can move forward. But your words have made me question things and I am realising that I need to be firmer with my boundaries and pull back a little to view the relationship with open eyes
The best you can do is figure out what you want in your own life. Do you want to continue having relationships with addicts/alcoholics? Do you want to continue your own drinking/drugging? In spite of warnings, most of us have to learn experientially what works for us with both our own drinking as well as maintaining a relationship with addicts/alcoholics.
Please let us know how you get on. These situations and decisions can be brutal.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,099
Originally Posted by wishinghigh1
Hi, back on here for some advice as the last time I had any issues in a relationship this forum helped me so much.
Reading back my last post was over 3 years ago when I was in quite an abusive and chaotic relationship with an alcoholic and cocaine addict, thankfully I got out of that relationship a few months after I posted.
Last year I got into another short relationship with someone who turned out to have a cocaine problem, using it at least once a week
Looking back to my teenage years my Mum drank a lot and has always said she was an alcoholic at that time, I never used to agree but as I've gotten older I do think she was.
Fast forward to now and I have been dating the most amazing man for the past 6 months. I think we both have some issues and insecurities, but we work at them and are very honest with each other. dating during covid has meant we have spent a lot of time in each others homes rather than going out and getting to know each other in a normal environment, and a lot of the time this has involved drinking and dabbling with cocaine. I have realised however that he has a drink and cocaine problem. I have tried to say that I don't want us to drink every time we see each other, and have had the odd midweek evening where I don't drink but he still does, despite me asking him not to when I'm there. He is a really happy drunk, works full time, meets all obligations etc and I'm trying to figure out why I feel so anxiously triggered when he gets drunk.
Would his drinking be an issue for me had I not had a bad experience in the past? Yes, he changes a little when he's drunk, but only in that he showers me with compliments and loving texts. He does have down days and I'm trying to establish whether there is a pattern with this following him having had a few dry days.
I don't really want to talk to him on the phone etc when he's drunk as I find it annoying. I also question my own relationship with alcohol and cocaine and wonder if I am being hypocritical when I occasionally dabble myself (albeit this has increased in frequency since I met this guy). I've never been much of a regular drinker but do binge on a night out, and I don't have very good will power when other people are drinking or doing things in front of me. It's making me wonder if I need to stop seeing him if he can't abstain when I'm there, so that I'm not putting myself under (my own) pressure not to join in.
I guess really what I'm trying to figure out is if I am being triggered by previous experiences, and what I can do to help myself if that is the case. Have been wondering if I should look into al anon to explore whether I may the one with issues.
Any help from you wise people would be much appreciated
Reading back my last post was over 3 years ago when I was in quite an abusive and chaotic relationship with an alcoholic and cocaine addict, thankfully I got out of that relationship a few months after I posted.
Last year I got into another short relationship with someone who turned out to have a cocaine problem, using it at least once a week
Looking back to my teenage years my Mum drank a lot and has always said she was an alcoholic at that time, I never used to agree but as I've gotten older I do think she was.
Fast forward to now and I have been dating the most amazing man for the past 6 months. I think we both have some issues and insecurities, but we work at them and are very honest with each other. dating during covid has meant we have spent a lot of time in each others homes rather than going out and getting to know each other in a normal environment, and a lot of the time this has involved drinking and dabbling with cocaine. I have realised however that he has a drink and cocaine problem. I have tried to say that I don't want us to drink every time we see each other, and have had the odd midweek evening where I don't drink but he still does, despite me asking him not to when I'm there. He is a really happy drunk, works full time, meets all obligations etc and I'm trying to figure out why I feel so anxiously triggered when he gets drunk.
Would his drinking be an issue for me had I not had a bad experience in the past? Yes, he changes a little when he's drunk, but only in that he showers me with compliments and loving texts. He does have down days and I'm trying to establish whether there is a pattern with this following him having had a few dry days.
I don't really want to talk to him on the phone etc when he's drunk as I find it annoying. I also question my own relationship with alcohol and cocaine and wonder if I am being hypocritical when I occasionally dabble myself (albeit this has increased in frequency since I met this guy). I've never been much of a regular drinker but do binge on a night out, and I don't have very good will power when other people are drinking or doing things in front of me. It's making me wonder if I need to stop seeing him if he can't abstain when I'm there, so that I'm not putting myself under (my own) pressure not to join in.
I guess really what I'm trying to figure out is if I am being triggered by previous experiences, and what I can do to help myself if that is the case. Have been wondering if I should look into al anon to explore whether I may the one with issues.
Any help from you wise people would be much appreciated
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