InTheEnd

I’m just sad, miserable, alone, and the isolation from COVID shutdowns has me drinking wine daily. For me, COVID was the perfect storm to get my drinking in high gear. I actually weirdly welcomed it. I was already on my way to my own wine filled isolation life, but yay me, the govt was telling us to isolate so now I could justify my drinking alone. I was saving lives and being a good citizen! The liquor store now delivers! What a blessing! No one knows what I’m doing, no one sees what I’m doing and no one bothers me or wants to make plans, which is awesome....because I really didn’t want to socialize. It was becoming to much an effort to get ready to go out anyway before the shutdown, now I have no worries in the world, so my alcohol soaked brain was telling me.

I hate where I’m at right now. With my drinking, my relationships, and my life. I’m still employed, so I guess I got that going for me. But I work from home. Have for years but now start drinking at 3pm. That’s the time in my head that says it’s okay. Sometimes I treat myself and start at 2pm. If it’s after 3pm and I forgot to pour my glass of wine, I’ve actually caught myself thinking “I’m late”....like it’s a job.

I’m a sad, miserable, angry person and I’m actively pushing people away who care. My sister is sick, needs a kidney transplant and I don’t know how to process that, so I drink. My daughters doing fabulous and I don’t know how to process that, so I drink. I’m pushing her away slowly so she doesn’t know what a mess I am. I’m a faker and pretender. An actor. Ashamed of what I’ve become with no end in sight. I just exist.

I want better. I want life. In my 56 years here in the world, 40 of them have basically been alcohol fueled with blips of sobriety. I know sober feels good, but I also know when I start drinking after, it’s always worse. You would think that would be the best reason for me to stay sober. But his time around, it’s what has kept me from stopping, thinking why bother, I’ll just start and it’ll be worse then it is now.

My mind is a mess. I feel washed up and weak. I don’t have a clue who I am anymore so I choose to do nothing.

Trying for day one today. Thanks for still being here.

Be123

Hi IntheEnd. I hear you about lockdown giving you freedom to drink

It also gives you freedom not to drink. It gave me a real head start

Wishing you well on your journey

TheAten

Hi InTheEnd

You’re not alone whilst you’re here. I understand all those negative feelings of bitterness, resentment etc - more than likely it’s the alcohols effect on your brain that is causing these feelings. I understand the temptation to push people away very well - but the further you push people, the further down the path you take yourself to oblivion. Don’t do that; instead focus on being sober and staying sober. That’s a huge goal to work towards and it’s an amazing start.

Always remember, no matter how it feels, you’re not alone. We’re all here for you.

InTheEnd

Thanks. I’m crying now. Not sure why. I’m thinking about fessing up to my daughter but scared. I don’t want to add her into the mix of my failure as a mother, human. Though she knows something is not right. Especially when the miserable cow in me comes out, I project it on her now. That’s a new thing with this enhanced drinking I’m doing. I’m losing the ability to even pretend I’m normal anymore. So I lash out.

I’ve always known I had a drinking problem but never thought I was a drunk, if that makes sense. But I know now and I am a drunk. There’s no denying.

Feeling more hungover then usual, which will make work suck but moving forward. Thought of calling out sick, but that’ll just add more guilt to this hurting head of mine. First action out of bed is making the coffee and pouring out my wine. I really want my life back, but not even sure what life I’m talking about. I just want to feel better and be a better person. I need to get off this hamster wheel I’ve been on for way too long.

FreeOwl

You can have it.....

Stick around, keep that desire firmly in the fore of your awareness.... make a list of reasons.... of people in recovery you admire... of things you love to do that can help you stay clear of booze....

You can do this.

Hodd

It’s a shame that lockdown is seen by many as a license to drink when it’s an opportunity to do something worthwhile and life changing. With the internet, anything’s possible. We can learn a new language, do a writing course, order a painting kit, walk 5 miles a day and so on. I’m in a triathlon club and whilst we’re not doing any events now, we’re setting remote challenges for running or cycling. During lockdown 1 here in the UK, I studied the equivalent of a science A level to get up to speed in my new career. I had an online tutor so had to get the work done within timescales.

I’ll be honest and say I’m glad I quit alcohol a year before Covid came, but I hope I wouldn’t have drunk more. I think we should all think of the future. When some kid asks us what we did in the great Covid pandemic, do we really want to say we spent all of it inebriated?

Surrendered19

Hi InTheEnd. I hope your Day 1 here is a good one. I got news on your daughter - I doubt it is too much of a mystery to her what is going on. So I wouldn't worry too much about "confessing". I'll bet she, and others, have far more than an inkling about what is going on. I think talking to your daughter and anyone else you really trust would give you some great real life support.

You can have your life back. You and I are of the same vintage and I became sober just over one year ago for the first time in 3 decades. I did not see a way forward but, like you today, I started one day clawing and fighting my way back to a life of peace and quiet. I hope you post often and let us know how you are doing InTheEnd. You can do this. We don't drink any more, that's all.

biminiblue

One day at a time lovely.

Welcome back.

I spent a LOT of time getting my head straightened out in the beginning. It does take some time, so being immersed in doing good things and making a daily-renewed commitment to sobriety was key for me.

I threw everything at this. Podcasts, books, reading on here, reading other websites, I went to AA meetings for four months. I really made it a "project."

My suggestion is to plug in to the January of class thread and post in there and read as much as you have time for on this site.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-2-a.html

Mizz

You can get yourself back. In fact, you can find a new and improved edition of yourself. Personally, I would go for the 2.0 edition with bells and whistles.

A lot of peoples drinking has increased over this pandemic. You are not the only one drinking at 2pm. You certainly can move this needle in a different direction. I definitely found myself drinking more and feeling way more depressed last year. It became a groundhogs day that was not a fun comedy to watch. This day ONE can be behind you in no time. I did immerse myself in AA meetings, readings and restructured my time in a way where drinking was not a part of the equation. Replaced the wine with tea. Took a bath after work. Prioritized dinner. Prioritized meetings. Prioritized exercise. Used this forum for accountability.
Bimini has suggested joining the January class. That is a great idea.

You are not alone. Take it one day at a time. It truly is a gift to allow yourself to be sober. Keep posting. Its good you are here.

advbike

Welcome back. It takes some of us multiple tries and I know you have done it before, so you can do it again.. Please stick around this time and see how quickly you can turn your life around if you are open and honest and willing to put in some work at it. I second the suggestion to join the January class where you will have support and gain insights.

Sobriety is a miracle. Please join us in achieving, and keeping it.

least

Welcome back! I hope our support can help you get sober for good.

Dee74

Welcome back InTheEnd

One thing I know for sure is things won’t get better while you’re drinking - in fact they’re likely to get worse. Focus on that for the moment. Get a day one...a day two...everything else tends to falls in place behind that.

The sun keeps shining even when we’re in the bottom of a dark hole.
Start climbing up towards that sun again

D

Hevyn

I'm so glad you came back & wanted to talk about what's going on. I was sad, miserable, & angry too when I drank. The thing that was supposed to calm me down & help cheer me up did just the opposite. I was anxious & disgusted with myself. You can get free of it again. You know what needs to happen. We're here to help, you're never, ever alone.

Anna

Welcome back, InTheEnd.

Your feelings about yourself and your life are so similar to how I felt when I was drinking. It's horrible that alcohol robs us of ourselves and of everything in our lives that we love. It robs us of the ability to love ourselves and those who love us.

You can change things. It will be scary, but you can come up with a plan and do it. I'll make one suggestion. When 3PM comes along, decide to not drink, and as soon as you finish work (4 or 5PM?), go outside and walk. While you're walking, think about what you'd like for dinner, and then come home and eat. Every change you make in your daily routine will help you to achieve sobriety and recovery.

luvchunk

Very similar story here. I am on day 2, for the umpteenth time. Even though I am alone in my home, I am sending out positive energy to you and anyone who feels the same/

duane1

Confession might not have the effect you think it will unless it’s followed up by commitment to change. It could actually cause more scrutiny upon you and more worry upon your daughter. Why not instead show your daughter that you can be the mom she needs by getting yourself sober. You can do it. There are a bunch around here who were in the same exact spot you were in and committed to sobriety. I got to the point where I was drinking in the morning when I was supposed to be watching my children. Passed out every night for many years. Now I’m 8 years sober and I don’t even think about alcohol anymore. You can take your life back today!

lifewithart

One day at a time
one other benefit of lockdown is the incredible availability of zoom meetings. I'm pretty sure you can find a meeting every hour of the day.

There is an app called meeting guide. Come hang out for a meeting. Freedom is waiting for us and the first step you've already done. Good for you for reaching out and taking the first step.
All the best,
Art

Wastinglife

I'm single, live alone, and not working. I'm not accountable to anyone, my city is on lockdown, and it's winter This situation is really heaven on earth for an alcoholic in his mid-40's. Im not sure why I'm sober to be honest because there is nothing holding me back from going on a month long bender.

I did start an antidepressant medication before Christmas so it may actually be working to suppress alcohol cravings. I certainly feel different.

brighterday1234

There’s never a reason for an alcoholic to drink, just an excuse. There is a solution and a life of contented sobriety is entirely possible if you want it and are willing 🙏

AAPJ

InTheEnd I quoted some of your first post on SR from 2014. You have been thinking about this for a long time. I understand/agree with everything you posted except for your concern that other AAers would see how damaged you are and not want any part of you.

In AA we are all damaged when we arrive. You would be welcome. I hope you decide to try some Zoom AA meetings. Here is a link where you can find them in Montgomery and PG county. Help is just a mouse click away.

Today's Upcoming Online Meeting AA Meetings | Washington Area Intergroup Association (aa-dc.org)