Enough already...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 321
Enough already...
I found this site looking for meetings and thought I'd introduce myself. I've been drinking for many years, probably in the last 10, pretty much everyday. I've managed to isolate myself, and drink at home.....wine, lots of it.
My job became virtual about 10 years ago and I believe this is when it just got worse. I'm alienating friends, the few I've even bothered to stay in contact with and they are strained as well. I'm alienating my daughter, who's 18 now and she is losing respect for me. I don't believe she even thinks its the wine I'm drinking that causes the issues. She just thinks I'm bat **** crazy at times. I never know if I'll be the happy wino or the angry one. I'm not "stumbling around, slurring words" drunk but drunk just the same. I just feel like a failure all around.
Yesterday I felt confident about going to an AA meeting tonight but now I'm scared. I do want to go but think even they'd see how damaged I am and not want any part of me.
The weird thing is nothing tragic has happened, I'm just so disappointed in myself and what my life has become. I work, then drink. I'm avoiding going out and seeing people in any situation. Sometimes even going to to grocery store gives me anxiety. I feel as if I've lost any lust for life, so I drink wine to take the pain and boredom away. I look around and see everyone living and enjoying their life and its almost as if I think I don't deserve it.
Anyway, sorry for such a long post and the whining. I'm hoping for this day to be one without wine. Hoping to be a better person one day.
My job became virtual about 10 years ago and I believe this is when it just got worse. I'm alienating friends, the few I've even bothered to stay in contact with and they are strained as well. I'm alienating my daughter, who's 18 now and she is losing respect for me. I don't believe she even thinks its the wine I'm drinking that causes the issues. She just thinks I'm bat **** crazy at times. I never know if I'll be the happy wino or the angry one. I'm not "stumbling around, slurring words" drunk but drunk just the same. I just feel like a failure all around.
Yesterday I felt confident about going to an AA meeting tonight but now I'm scared. I do want to go but think even they'd see how damaged I am and not want any part of me.
The weird thing is nothing tragic has happened, I'm just so disappointed in myself and what my life has become. I work, then drink. I'm avoiding going out and seeing people in any situation. Sometimes even going to to grocery store gives me anxiety. I feel as if I've lost any lust for life, so I drink wine to take the pain and boredom away. I look around and see everyone living and enjoying their life and its almost as if I think I don't deserve it.
Anyway, sorry for such a long post and the whining. I'm hoping for this day to be one without wine. Hoping to be a better person one day.
Kaleidoscope eyes
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
It's good that you have made this decision without anything tragic happening first so kudos to you for that. Meetings are fit to burst with damaged or once damaged people so I wouldn't worry about that at all xxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
The weird thing is nothing tragic has happened....
Blessing - because you are given the opportunity to experience a "high bottom" and begin recovery and life in sobriety without ever having to lose it all or experience the hell that this thing becomes.
Danger - because having never lost it all or been stuck in that hellish place, you have less tangible, terrifying, horrible motivation.
AA will welcome you and will help. Please give it an honest shot.
"virtual" careers are tough on us alcoholics. I am the same. Haven't had to go to an office with any regularity for over 15 years. I sit at my kitchen table most days. It can be incredibly isolating and sitting at home alone with my alcoholic thinking is a great way to perpetuate drinking. I was like you several years ago but never really woke up to the awareness I might have a problem.... until two DUI's, two marriages and a lot of failed attempts to moderate my drinking brought me to AA with conviction.
May you find a happier path
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Essex
Posts: 411
Yesterday I felt confident about going to an AA meeting tonight but now I'm scared. I do want to go but think even they'd see how damaged I am and not want any part of me.
Normal to be scared, I was too. And for me, and lots of people I run into at AA, when I first got there it's wasn't because everything in my life was going really, really well, in fact, as per the experience you've described, quite the opposite. That's what AA is there for, to help pick up the pieces, and an opportunity to learn to live without the fear you describe.
It's well worth a try and wish you well
Normal to be scared, I was too. And for me, and lots of people I run into at AA, when I first got there it's wasn't because everything in my life was going really, really well, in fact, as per the experience you've described, quite the opposite. That's what AA is there for, to help pick up the pieces, and an opportunity to learn to live without the fear you describe.
It's well worth a try and wish you well
Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
Great post from FreeOwl and I totally agree.
Another virtual worker here whose drinking got much worse at that point (I happen to own an online business where I'm my only employee) and I, too, have not had any major tragedies...yet.
However, my marriage is almost over, I did have an incident in my car after having too much wine (though I managed to weasel my way out of it, cost me over $2500 out of pocket), I have alienated all of my friends, but I'm not sleeping under a bridge, don't have DUIs, and am not in jail so I can't be that bad, right? That's what my alcoholic voice tells me but my brain tells me that I need to get a handle on it now before things get even worse - and is most assuredly where they are heading. Great to see you trying to do the same thing.
I have been to AA and was completely terrified to enter that room. But I found that I am not at all unlike the others in that room. I was finally in a room full of people who I could relate to. Finally!
Welcome - this forum is a great source of support.
Another virtual worker here whose drinking got much worse at that point (I happen to own an online business where I'm my only employee) and I, too, have not had any major tragedies...yet.
However, my marriage is almost over, I did have an incident in my car after having too much wine (though I managed to weasel my way out of it, cost me over $2500 out of pocket), I have alienated all of my friends, but I'm not sleeping under a bridge, don't have DUIs, and am not in jail so I can't be that bad, right? That's what my alcoholic voice tells me but my brain tells me that I need to get a handle on it now before things get even worse - and is most assuredly where they are heading. Great to see you trying to do the same thing.
I have been to AA and was completely terrified to enter that room. But I found that I am not at all unlike the others in that room. I was finally in a room full of people who I could relate to. Finally!
Welcome - this forum is a great source of support.
AA member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: United Kingdom.
Posts: 3,007
Welcome to SR.
Don't be worried about going to AA,you will be welcomed.
If you don't want to go alone call the local AA helpline,they should have a list of people in your area who will speak with you and take you to your first meeting,if you would like that.
Wishing you well.
Don't be worried about going to AA,you will be welcomed.
If you don't want to go alone call the local AA helpline,they should have a list of people in your area who will speak with you and take you to your first meeting,if you would like that.
Wishing you well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 321
Thanks everyone! I have to admit, I'm crying a little. Just got out of the shower and to come back here and see support from you all who understand what I'm feeling is just overwhelming. I'm going tonight, to the AA meeting. I'm thinking it just might be exactly what I need after reading your replies and the other posts in this forum. I just want to feel better, for longer then a fleeting moment.
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,718
A new day has begun...
Once you get your mind set on getting sober you will discover that you are on your way to becoming a wonderful new you. Your mind will be clearer and the person you really are...which is not the drunken soul but, a person with so much to give to the world, your friends, your family and to yourself. Everyday will be filled with possibilities! Alcohol was keeping you from truely being alive. Stay strong and focus on a new way of living. Get excited because all things are possible. Don't let alcohol hold you back any longer!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Maryland
Posts: 321
Morning everyone. Yesterday, I did not drink! No bottle of wine at the end of the day for me. My plan was to go to my first meeting last night but got caught up at work and missed it. There is a beginner's meeting tomorrow night which is actually so close to my home, I could walk! Who knew?! I will be going and think it may be a little more comfortable being in a room with beginners to "test" the AA waters.
My daughter and I got along WONDERFULLY! I was witty, fun, smart, and a better Mom! All without the wine that I thought was making me witty, fun, smart, and a better Mom (if that makes any sense).
So today, I begin day 2.......maybe with possibly some hope? Faith? A faint feeling of optimism about the future? Not sure, because I haven't felt any of these in a while, but I do know, as soon as I woke up this morning and opened my eyes, my first thought was "Wow, I feel pretty good", then my thoughts turned to remembering how many glasses of wine I had yesterday.......then I remembered, I didn't drink yesterday! A big grin just grew on my face. A glimmer of hope....
I want this so much, but will only say I will not drink today for now. I know this won't be the case everyday during this journey, but I'll sure take it today. Nice break from the past 10 years of the miserable me.
Thanks everyone, and thanks to this site. I read for hours last night.
My daughter and I got along WONDERFULLY! I was witty, fun, smart, and a better Mom! All without the wine that I thought was making me witty, fun, smart, and a better Mom (if that makes any sense).
So today, I begin day 2.......maybe with possibly some hope? Faith? A faint feeling of optimism about the future? Not sure, because I haven't felt any of these in a while, but I do know, as soon as I woke up this morning and opened my eyes, my first thought was "Wow, I feel pretty good", then my thoughts turned to remembering how many glasses of wine I had yesterday.......then I remembered, I didn't drink yesterday! A big grin just grew on my face. A glimmer of hope....
I want this so much, but will only say I will not drink today for now. I know this won't be the case everyday during this journey, but I'll sure take it today. Nice break from the past 10 years of the miserable me.
Thanks everyone, and thanks to this site. I read for hours last night.
Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
Oh that is so great to hear! I think you will really like the beginners meeting - those are my favorites (since I'm always a beginner :~p). I'm going to one tomorrow, matter of fact.
I really can relate to you as a mother. I know just how you feel! I won't drink today either and I will re-read your post if I'm tempted.
I really can relate to you as a mother. I know just how you feel! I won't drink today either and I will re-read your post if I'm tempted.
I'm another mom who lost her daughters' respect while I was drinking. Now that I'm sober we get along much better. 
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