PBandJ

I apologize if I'm all over the place with this post. My wife and I have been together for over 20 years. She is incredibly smart and was always someone I could trust 100%. We've both always been drinkers, but I can wait until evening once chores are done, kids are taken care of, etc. Since quitting work to stay home with son #2 about 5 years ago, she has slowly been drinking more and more to the point of grabbing a bottle of wine at 10am just to get her through the day until I come home from work with more. When I come home around 5pm, the booze gets opened immediately. By 7pm she's outside smoking cigarettes, drunk texting or dialing family and friends, causing fights or texting family about all their wrong doings over her lifetime, and overall making a fool of herself. Recently I found out she was talking to an old flame. I forbid it, we had huge fights, she swore she didn't have feelings for him and he's across the county, but just enjoyed talking to him and kept doing it, blaming bad judgement while drunk. She said she would stop. The other day I discovered she was still talking to him, hiding a phone, texts alluding to a secret chat app, the guy suggesting to her ways to sneak to chat. I'm blamed for pushing her to do this because I'm very hard on her and cause her so much pressure. Pressure being calling her out on leaving the kids at home to buy booze in the morning (thanks, Ring doorbell), asking her to keep the house in a semblance of cleanliness. She spends almost every waking moment in bed. She even eats in bed. I've been yelled at for coming home and cleaning the house, stressing her out by being hyper. I do all of the food shopping and most things around the house. I come home and clean the bathroom which usually won't be cleaned for months unless I do it, then get yelled at for it not being peaceful and calm when I come home. I'm mortified of the mess and want a better environment for my kids, 9 and almost 6. When she's done helping them with remote school at 3pm, she's done, it's all on me. When I leave the house to food shop she tells me she's bored and lonely. I never even go out with friends, ever. I just can't win.

She's suffered from depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and OCD much of her life. Her childhood was dysfunctional. Her mother was unfaithful and her father is a narcissist. She can get mad at me for something for days, weeks, or literally even years. We can talk through an issue for literally thousands of hours, yet each conversation is groundhog's day. I've considered suicide multiple times things have been so bad.

She lies to me about how much she drinks and is a convincing liar. She is someone who, at least told me, never lies. I once came home to my 9yo son's little birthday gathering with a few friends to find the house trashed and her passed out drunk in bed, children unattended. My little one somehow managed to take off his wet clothes and change after coming in from the water bounce house in the yard. She claimed this was a wake up call. It wasn't.

After finding out about her secret conversation with this guy by looking at her phone after she passed out drunk the other night around 7pm, we had a huge fight and I took the kids to my parents' house. She said she talks to the guy because I'm nasty to her. The next morning I went home and insisted she go to rehab. She agreed. It's been a couple days of me being a single parent, trying to juggle work, figuring out the nightmare of two kids' remote school work, and an upcoming surgery on Friday. My head is splitting. For years now my blood pressure has been at near stroke levels and I'm on three BP meds.

I'm no saint but I'm so sick of taking care of her, babysitting her like another child and not caring for myself. Writing all of this down makes me feel like an absolute idiot. How could I let things get so bad? I know she is where she needs to be right now. I'm full of fear of the future of our marriage, our kids' well-being, and me doing even more than I was... all by myself. My parents are very helpful but they are old and I can't put too much on them. My oldest son has cried while we fight saying a divorce will ruin his life. My 5yo doesn't understand and has come up to me to say, "don't worry, dad. Mom just likes talking to two boys." This is an absolute nightmare and guts me.

At least writing this down is helping me to realize how absolutely insane all of this is. How could I let all of this happen? She's been on meds and seeing therapists on and off for years but I'm sure she's not been telling them the truth. She's emotionally tortured and I hope she comes out of this doing well, maybe on better meds, with a new outlook on life. If not, I can't bring myself to think of what life will be. It's either continuing this way, which can't happen, or a complete life change. I'm torn between wanting to help her as much as I can and also telling her to go be with this other guy she doesn't have feelings for, which I don't believe, and letting him "enjoy" the lifestyle I've become accustomed to. I want to help her but I'm sad, mad, bitter, and spent. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I do know this can NOT continue. Not even for me, but for my kids.

I guess I just need to not feel so alone, some encouragement to build an emotional wall, and stand my ground.

Thanks for listening.

trailmix

Hi PBandJ. Well, that sounds like hell.

First things first, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). You may as well put your weapons down because you are absolutely not going to win this fight. The arguing, screaming, reprimanding, you're wasting your time which could be spent on something really worthwhile, your children and yourself. You really need to start looking out for yourself.

I'm glad your wife has gone to rehab, I hope it works well for her, however, it is just the first step towards recovery. Perhaps it would be wise for her to go live in a sober living facility afterward? It's worth thinking about.

What you absolutely don't need is her coming right back to where she was. She needs help, staying sober (if she chooses that) is hard work. A group like AA is a great start, perhaps a therapist and any other support she can find.

So that's her, but your focus truly needs to be you and your children. You can't look after them if you are burned out. You mentioned your parents are older, is it possible they can even take the children for an hour here and there during the week? This would enable you to have a short break, even take yourself out for a walk or a burger and some quiet. You also need support, a group like Al Anon might be really helpful. In person meetings are great but if you can't do that right now, they also offer online meetings. The people in Al Anon will know your story and be supportive, just like here at SR.

I don't know your financial situation or the covid situation where you are. Are there people in your area that have day homes the kids could go to, or daycare? If finances are tight, I would check and see what support you can find for child care etc.

You know, millions of people are single parents and work and clean and take care of children. I KNOW you are entirely capable of this, but with this alcoholism hanging over your head, it makes everything seem insurmountable. It's like being in a storm all the time.

You can't make her be sober, as I mentioned above, she will quit and find recovery the moment she chooses and not before. Perhaps it's time to completely change your focus.

PBandJ

Thank you very much. You are completely correct on everything. Even though it's only been a couple days alone, I'm actually finding myself having more patience with the kids and snapping less. My usual stress level is pretty elevated on a good day, so it can be easy to bark at the kids. I'm actually scared for how I will feel after another 30 days or so. I don't want to feel indifferent towards her but maybe that's a bad way to think of it. Self care and caring for the kids is probably a better point of view.

My mother offered to do the remote school for the kids, but after one day of me doing it, I know it's out of her league. I could send the kids to school but COVID is rampant here. I'm very lucky to have an employer that is understanding and will likely work with me as I figure out a schedule. My parents can watch the kids no problem for a couple hours here and there to give me a break, but honestly all of this is so fresh, I don't think I want to be alone. I don't really have any super close friends I would feel comfortable sharing all of this with, plus my wife has trained me to feel guilt for airing any of her dirty laundry to mutual friends. Most times I've tried to talk to someone about much and mentioned it (in hindsight, why would I offer that info?), she would say "well I'm never going to be around them again." I know it's manipulation but it's engrained in me now. Even writing all of this makes me feel like I'm betraying her.

I've thought therapy would not be of much use to me but putting down these words is showing me there is more damage than I realize. I'm struggling to believe I didn't contribute to the situation.

Again, thank you. I know you're right and it helps to hear.

trailmix

- Struggling to believe you didn't contribute
- Betrayal in sharing your story
- Scared you might become indifferent over time

There is a connection between all these things. The illusion of control. You have no more control over this than how often your neighbour goes to the grocery store.

When we are in a serious relationship and/or marriage, we tend to think that we become our partner's keeper in some way. If not a "keeper" then certainly someone who should look out for them. That can actually be kind of nice, IF you don't cross the line between concern and care and control.

Please understand I'm not criticizing you at all, just that if you start thinking of this a little differently, you just might see a huge weight lifted off your shoulders.

There is a book that is very often recommended here, Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie. I'm absolutely not saying your are codependent, I don't know you that well! But the book is invaluable for getting a start on working on boundaries for yourself, not just in your relationship with your wife but in all relationships.

And yes, you also need all the support you can get, be that therapy or Al-anon or another type of support group or all of them. And SR of course!

woodlandlost

PBand J

Glad to hear she has entered rehab...I hope that works out.
Everyone here has something awesome to share, you are in great company.
First off: This sucks, it really does. You don't deserve any of the BS. Being the spouse of an alcoholic you really need to do some research and get into Al-anon sooner rather than later. If you wait too long, you run the risk of accepting bad behaviour. This disease is progressive and before you know it, you could be the boiling frog.
The lying....the lying. Believe nothing when she is drinking...
The texting other guys thing...well read my saga...I failed to set boundaries and that stuff just got worse.
Hang in there...you can do this, it sucks but you can. I have been single parenting my daughter of 1 for the past two years, and I work full time too. You can do it man!!

woodlandlost

Oh ya and my fav books on amazon is toby rice drews, getting them sober volume 1,2,3,4 get them, they are short but incredible reads!!

woodlandlost

Daughter of 12, not 1

SmallButMighty

Wow, PB&J... it's no wonder you are feeling completely overwhelmed. You have been carrying a very heavy load these last few years.It is no wonder you have a complex mishmash of emotions about the entire situation. Fear, anger, frustration and exhaustion probably top that list if I had to guess. There is a LOT to unpack with all that you shared.

I am very close to someone who could have written most of what you shared himself (minus rehab). His AXW sounds almost identical to yours. She stayed drunk all day, never minded the kids or tended the house. He would work all day at his fledgling business 12-14 hours and then come home and have to feed the kids and clean a bit before falling down exhausted just to do it all over again the next day. It nearly broke him, he said there were days he was literally throwing up from exhaustion and she still refused to help with the kids, the business or the house. Yet, he stayed with her for several more years, their kids were about 17 & 20 before he couldn't take it anymore. They had set horrible examples for their children.

My AXH and I had a more balanced relationship, in that we both pulled our own weight in our own ways, he being the bread winner and me being the home maker, but his alcoholism and my codependence were still completely toxic. I also stayed for over 20 years. My kids were 16 and 20 when I finally left him. We had set horrible examples for our children.

You are right we do get conditioned to living a certain way. It starts out slowly, we don't even notice it happening at first and by the time we do, things usually feel completely overwhelming and unbearable. Like Woodlandlost said, it is the frog in the pot of water situation. You aren't the only frog in the pot, the kids are in there too. They are learning from their experiences. I grew up in a home with an alcoholic dad and codependent mum, I repeated that pattern when I married and had my own family. My daughter is 26 and just untangled herself from her third (THIRD!) alcoholic boyfriend. She is finally attending alanon (online due to covid) and has some councelling set up for herself. She has read Codependent No More a few times and intends to again. (I highly recommend this book, it changed my life) She's trying hard to break the patterns that have plagued both sides of her family for generations. It's hard and painful work, I know because I've been working hard at it myself.

I told you all that for a couple reasons. Number one, so that you know that I absolutely know what you are going through. I don't have advice to give, but I do empathize. I've been there and IT SUCKS...it sucks the life right out of a person to a point they don't even recognize themselves anymore. I am sorry you are experiencing that. The second reason is to show you how adversely, witnessing a relationship like you and your wife have right now, can affect the kids lives. I love my children very much, I always thought I was being a good and decent parent, in a lot of ways I was, so was my AXH... but we set horrible examples when it came to role-modelling a healthy union. ( Very much like our own parents did, and their's before them)

It's wonderful you have employers who will work with you while you figure out your next right steps. You are very lucky in that regard. Also that your parents can help with the kids is excellent, you will definitely need time to catch your breath and just breathe. As you are finding out, once the alcoholic is not in your space constantly, life eases up a bit. That is very telling. All of us here who have loved an addict can attest to that feeling. When you aren't in the midst of their chaos the brain fog lifts, things become more clear, tensions ease. Life feels much more manageable when you aren't walking on eggshells with your shoulders so tight they are up around your ears. I hope you take some time to reflect on how much calmer and more manageable things are and why. I know that's a scary thing to do, but it is important as you push forward.

I also hope you read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It was a life saver for me and many others. It's an easy read and you don't have to identify as codependent to gain valuable insights and tools from giving it a read, or a listen if you'd rather download an audiobook. I realize you may not have much time for reading these days.

Keep hanging out here and talking with us PB&J. There are a lot of us here who understand how hard this hell you are slogging through is. There is safety in numbers my friend, please stick around.

PBandJ

Thank you, everyone. Waking up to reading your experiences is helping a lot. I woke up feeling very depressed, overwhelmed just getting out of bed, turning on work laptop, making food for the kids. I have an elective surgery tomorrow first thing in the morning so that is adding a lot of stress. I only have the weekend to recover then I have to do virtual school with the kids on Monday and try and get in a day's work afterwards. I'll check out all the book recommendations when the smoke clears. Right now I'm just trying to adjust and hold it all together. If I didn't have the kids I'd probably not get out of bed at all.

I should be able to talk with her via facetime in a few days, of course we haven't spoken at all this week. What do I do, keep things positive and light? Be encouraging I'm sure, hide the anger and bitterness. The kids will be present so I wouldn't be able to get into much anyhow. I don't like knowing my life is so up in the air, but I guess all I can do is take a step back and try and relax.

SparkleKitty

I don't have any experience talking to a loved one in rehab, but for your own peace of mind, please don't try to be anything but who you are when you speak to her. She is somewhere where she is 100% cushioned by support, while you are struggling to get through each day. I'm not saying you should unleash all of your frustrations and anger on her, but I am saying you should be honest with both yourself and her. You don't do anyone any favors by pretending you are feeling positivity and light when you are struggling. You know that saying, "when you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"? Maybe lean that way and let the kids take the lead on the bulk of the conversation. And on that note, as someone who was frequently coached by my codependent dad on what to say to my alcoholic mom...please, don't. Just let them be. They can't save her any more than you can.

trailmix

I really think SK hit the nail on the head in her reply, in particular not coaching the kids. I had an alcoholic Father and I guarantee you they have come up with their own coping methods and they have walked on enough eggshells.

Just one other thing I thought of. You don't know how you are going to feel on the day and you don't know what she will come out with, so it doesn't hurt to have a back up plan.

There is a distancing method called gray rock. It's a way of communicating or at least acknowledging that someone has spoken without committing to it. Replies like "you may be right", "that's an interesting thought", "uh huh", "well that's worth thinking about".

Anyway, just an idea to, perhaps, relieve some of the anxiety you might be having about the call, you can, of course, always google gray rock method for more examples.

PBandJ

thanks, all. I'll look that up after I post this. I just had dinner with my parents and left the kids there for a bit to come home for some quiet then go back. We'll all be sleeping there tonight since I have surgery in the morning and my father is my ride to/from. It's more than a little weird to be home alone.

I called the facility earlier today and they said she's doing "ok" whatever that means. They said they're going to see if she can call tonight since I mentioned I have surgery. I don't know how to feel about it, or maybe a more accurate description is I feel every emotion about it. I don't know if she will be angry, frustrated, or what. I don't know anything anymore. Well, I do know that you all are helping me very much. I go back and read everyone's comments throughout the day which makes me feel less alone. I'm so thankful for your help. It's a new concept for me, people helping out of empathy and kindness.

Seren

I'm sorry to read about all you have been through, PBandJ. I've never been married to an active alcoholic, so I have no specific advice to offer. I hope your surgery goes well tomorrow! I hope you can make taking care of yourself and your children a priority--the priority right now. Your wife is exactly where she needs to be surrounded by support. Lean into your own sources of support--including SR!

PBandJ

Thank you.

We talked last night for about 20 minutes. She said she wrote me and the kids a letter which hasn't come yet. She said the lunch room plays our favorite music all the time, so she was struggling to eat there, thinking of me and fearful that I hate her. I believe this and don't think it is a manipulation. That being said, I mentioned that she used to be such a bad (in a good way) person and I want my wife back. She took a bit of offense to this, saying she doesn't want all this to be her fault. She reminded me that I am less fun than I used to be and focus too much on mundane things (she brought up again me going crazy cleaning when I get home from work) and she has to find all the activities we do, shows we watch, etc.. I said she was right in that I have become complacent. I definitely have my own self esteem issues and feel lack of hope for some situations and can be very negative at times. But part of that is the condition of our living space which she just does NOT understand or care much about. I don't see how that can change very much and unless she has an epiphany, and even if she becomes what she thinks is what *I* want, she will throw it in my face in the future that she is the only one who needs to change, I'm a saint, and it's my fault she has been under such duress to keep things in basic order. Having a few days to myself has inspired me to start to pick up activities that I used to do so maybe that is a positive aspect in this. But I don't want to share in the blame by allegedly being boring, or not what she signed up for, to drive her to drink day and night. I know I did not cause her to drink like this. I'm faithful, have a good job that supports us, don't beat her up, and engage with the kids.

It's only been a few days so there is a lot of time left in rehab. I just hope they can teach her adult responsibilities.

My surgery went fine this morning and I'm in a little bit of pain and a good deal of discomfort, but it will get better each day. Hopefully like everything else.

dandylion

PB and J-----glad to hear that your surgery went well and I hope that you have an uneventful recovery. Please follow doctor's orders.
I think that there is one thing that you will need to get straight on (even if she doesn't)----this is not about who is the "good guy" or who is the "bad guy". Playing the white hat/black hat game can go on for miles and miles and solves nothing. The truth is---alcoholism is a "family disease"---in that, it affects everyone in the family in a negative way. It changes people from who they really could be.
This means that, unless the alcoholism is put into remission (it is never cured), and Kept in remission by working a strenuous Program of recovery---thing will not get better---only worse, as time goes on.

Your wife has a long way to go---she is only a few days into being sober---and certainly not in any kind of genuine recovery, yet.
Listen up-----I consider it to be absolutely essential that YOU understand that this early recovery stage (if it lasts) is going to take a long time----about a year's time for just her to get her "sea legs". It is going to be hard and it is going to require that she throw everything that she has got at it. It is going to take time, and commitment, and require that she tenaciously work a program as if her life depends on it----because it does. She is going to have to decide if she is committed to becoming sober as her first priority----above all else. If she doesn't she will lose all that matters to her.
You will not be able to jump into her skin and live in her head, in order to cause her to do this. You have no control, at the end of the day, as to what goes on inside of her.
I recovery circles, this is referred to as "her side of the street". You will have to take care of your own side of the street---just as she has to take care of her side of the street. This is one of the basics of recovey.
Pv and J---you don't have the objective expertise or the time or energy to do anything else but to take care of your side of the street.
right now---she isn't able to care for you or the house or the kids---that will have to be your job, as a parent and the Captain of the Ship for the family. Right now, and, for a long time---she will have all that she can accomplish to make it from one day to another as she struggles for (hopefully), recovery.
Fair or not----this is the reality, now. This is the way the cookie has crumbled.

I have a suggestion----As you recover your strength, I suggest that you speak with her counselor (and her, of course)…..about the need for her to go to live in a sober living facility after leaving the re hab facility. This affords her the time to become stronger in her recovery process---and, gives you some personal space to grow stronger and to sort out your own thinking and feelings.
If she were to return home, right after rehab, I fear that it is very, very, likely that things will go downhill is fairly fast order. There is just too much water that has gone under the bridge and ther is just too much anger and resentment and blame on both sides.
Besides, the kids need a break and need their own help, also.

trailmix

So glad your surgery was a success, get some rest as you can!

As Dandylion said this is very (very) early days yet, your wife is not in recovery, she is just sober at this point. While this is a very good thing, you really can't expect her to have changed any of her thoughts on things. Maybe a bit, maybe she is seeing things a tiny bit clearer, but there is a long way to go.

Maybe think of it like any mental illness, if someone was attending therapy (even if it had a record of great success) for treatment resistant depression and the person had a week or two of therapy, you wouldn't expect them to be all sunshine and roses.

Your wife has been living the life of an alcoholic. Her experience of life is not yours. You see things one way, she sees them another. There is a lot of shame attached to alcoholism, in general, so it has to be justified somehow. Perhaps best not to take too much of what she says initially to heart? There is some co-dependency speaking here, you are not responsible for her happiness.

If you focus on yourself and your children and doing things that make you happy and content, as you said, that can be a real positive for you. This should really always be the way, focus on what you like and your family too of course, but you are who you are and you need to be sure to take care of yourself. Obviously, down the road, this will include your wife as well, but that is a ways off, for now, this is good.

In a house where there is an alcoholic it is all to easy to focus all energy on the negative and on the alcoholic. Time to break away from that perhaps.

trailmix

You might find these articles helpful: Addiction, Lies and Relationships

"First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks.

Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress".

schnappi99

PBJ, your story is uncannily like mine, with her staying in bed (she liked to drink wine out of coffee mugs), the disaster area of the house when I've been away, the drunkenness in front of kid, me stuck with all dishes and shopping, her getting in touch with old flames, my self-esteem and stress. It was about 20yrs of marriage for us too at the time. When it all blew up for us, the marriage counsellor we were seeing sent me off to Alanon and she went to outpatient rehab.

I learned the "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, I can't control it" line in Alanon. That was tough at first, I am so used to making things happen at work- rehabbing the house- getting the dishes and homework done but as strong a habit as it was there was also a sudden freedom that was hard to recognize. The freedom was that I now only had to mind my business. True, my business includes my part of the household, taking care of our daughter- but it also meant that I am free to decide what kind and how much involvement to have with her and her issues. So I arrived at defining boundaries; not about what she needed to do or not do, but what I am willing to accept.

I will no longer accept the old drunken behavior, and my response is if it arises again is to is either ask her to leave or I leave with our daughter. Thats it. The flip side of that is I can no longer accept some of my own behavior; the control, the anger, the fixation on her behavior. Learning about those behaviors and gradually letting them go has been a primary focus of my time in Alanon since.

One of the AA propositions is that once you take the alcohol out of a drunken horse theif, you now have a regular horse thief- meaning simply not drinking is not the same as recovery. Lists of issues and problems (for you), to me at least, is a sign that her crutch (alcohol) is gone and now she's seeking something to grab onto to feel better- you are the next closest thing.

Regardless of what she says, you are free to <not> take up those judgements and requirements, but it would be kind to listen. As if jumping through hoops she lays out for you will somehow make her want to stay with you in the marriage if she wanted to leave.

However, its important to consider that living with an alcoholic makes everyone else sick. No matter how well you wanted to shield the kids from the dysfunction, they saw it all, they see it all; the alcoholism took place in front of them, there is an opportunity for the recovery to as well. Fundamentally recovery means learning new ways to act and relate, old habits of mind, old beliefs about oneself change.

Clearly I'm a big fan of Alanon, it has facilitated a more profound change in my attitude and methods than any other experience I've had. Right now my wife is not drinking, though she is not obviously in any kind of program herself- no signs of spiritual development. We are essentially roommates and she is unwilling and I think, unable to talk about these things. I wish that was different but OTOH the house is peaceful and a more reasonable balance of housework is seen. We are all calmer and are able to act as a reasonable family a lot of the time with little drama. Considering the constant fighting and upheaval and uncertainty of the old days it is a wonderful change.

Sleepyhollo

PBandJ welcome and sorry for what brought you here but you will find lots of support so keep coming back.
Get yourself into counseling like yesterday, lots of therapists are doing online now due to covid so I am sure you can find someone. You will need someone who has a lot of experience with addiction preferably as that is a whole different ball game. If you are in the US go to psychologytoday. Com and you can do a search for are insurance etc. i had been with my ex for 14 years when I hit rock bottom and couldn’t handle it anymore. I gave him an ultimatum be use I was ready to actually follow through on it (giving him one more chance or I’d leave). He later admitted the only reason it worked was because he had gotten to the point where he felt he could not go on like this anymore. I also told him it could no longer be a secret (huge burden for me to carry all those years) and he had to get treatment (he never wanted to get treatment before, he stopped several times but never lasted of course. He was sent to rehab for 3 months (by his professional organization) which was a total suprise to us but in hindsight he needed every single minute of it, drinking is only a very small part of addiction. Your wife grew up in a dysfunctional family so grew up with poor coping skills and probably self esteem and has underlying mental health issues. Those are the things that really will need to be worked on the most and it will take time. It also takes motivation and commitment and if she is not really motivated to quit because she wants to for herself unfortunately the is unlikely to stay clean long term. Not to be pessimistic but that is how it is. Rehab was really hard on our already bad relationship (from my perspective it was bad, he had been too drunk for too long to realize it). He wrote me letters that were manipulative and was told so by his rehab friends. His focus was so much on me whereas it should be on him. We ended up mostly going no contact except for things pertaining to finances or our kid. I had nothing to tell him really. Visits were taught because I just did t want to be around him. They had a family week at our rehab and I highly recommend you do that if they offer it. And then of course counseling. I considered myself a though woman who could handle it all. I did handle it all which is why rehab wasn’t much different really as far as taking care of everything and it gave me a break from him which is what I needed. I started counseling and didn’t realize how much I really needed it. It was a life saver for me. Had I not done it I would probably have stayed married. I did weekly counseling for the two year from rehab until divorce. I grew up privileged but with a controlling mom and doormat dad. No abuse no addiction but somehow I still was messed up and just don’t know it. It took a lot of work to get past guilt and codependent issues but I feel so much better equipped to deal with people. I can say no to people and have good boundaries. I don’t bend over backwards anymore to help out people at my own expense etc. Plus you have an unbiased party to talk to. I also needed it to make i through my marriage counseling sessions once he was sober and out of rehab.

You can’t help your wife, that is all on her. Nothing you do or say had any influence on her sobriety (meaning you don’t cause her to drink or make her depressed). So focus on taking care of yourself and your kids because those are the only things you have control over. Consider Alanon. It helped me when I was in crisis mode but it ended up not being for me. I do much better with one on one counseling. I did have an acquaintance who went to the same thing (same profession, young kids etc) and she was a lot of help as well.

Rehab and recovery are really hard. It took my ex about 7 weeks in inpatient rehab to finally see his manipulative ways. He has been clean for 4 years now but unfortunately for me the damage was done. I could not get past it and I really just didn’t love him anymore (just didn’t realize it it when I gave him the ultimatum, or at least was afraid to accept those feeling (expressing my feelings was one of my big issues). Also he changed a lot (and actually started acting his age). I’d only ever know him as an alcoholic just didn’t really know it. He needed to change in order to stay sober. And I changed as well, I needed to as well to prevent myself from falling into that codependent trap again with future relationships. 2 years after he got sober we divorced. I had all sorts of guilt about that for a long time (he got clean after all which is what I wanted) but ultimately I just had to accept I jut didn’t love him anymore and I couldn’t fake it (until we make it which is what our dumbass marriage counselor recommended....just like an arranged marriage....except I had all this emotional baggage that I just couldn’t get past and that is usually not present in arranged marriages).

recovery if done right is a long and selfish process. She won’t magically come back from rehab all fixed. It is only the beginning. She will need to continue AA and therapy once she gets out and she will need to be motivated fro that because she needs to be in charge of getting herself there and setting up appt. My ex never wanted to do AA because he knows a lot of people here (because of his profession). He also couldn’t go to the next town because of time work etc. once he got out of rehab he went to local AA meeting without a problem. They have all sorts of excuses when they are not ready for recovery.

You are only a few days in so of course you are completely overwhelmed, probably more emotionally than anything else. I know I was. If you have close friend please don’t hesitate to confide in them with what is going on. Your wife doesn’t get to dictate who you talk to. Hiding it will only interfere with the recovery process. She will have to get to a point where she is open about it. As long as they want to hide it from others they are not ready for recovery. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders once it was out in the open. All of a sudden I a de a lot more sense to my friends. They knew something was up just not what. I could fiable talk about it and It helped a lot as far as getting support from them now that they knew what the problem was.

You will also find that unless people have lived through addiction as an addict or loved one, they don’t really understand addiction even if their intentions are good. I didn’t until my ex went to rehab and I’m a medical professional. If you can find the documentary pleasure unwoven I highly recommend it. They showed it to us in rehab. Most poor think all it takes is quitting drinking and all is good. But it is not. Things and people change with recovery. It is hard. Don’t make any big decisions as far as staying or going the first year because things will change a lot that first year. I guess you do have to decide what your course of action will be if she comes home and relapses. Boundaries will be very important (therapy will help with that as well) and sticking to them will be even more important. Your kids are young but they are definitely wing affected by all of this. My kid was 6 when he went to rehab. She knew he was always tired and grumpy but didn’t know why until he went to rehab. She knows a lot about addiction now and it is important for your kids to know what is going on (in an age appropriate manner). Trying to hide things from them will cause them to create their own reality which is often worse than the actual reality. My kid went to Betty Ford kids program when she was almost 7 and it was really good for her. She learned a lot. maybe check with the rehab center for resources for your kids.

Sorry about the long post. I know times are really tough right now and overwhelming. Seek help for yourself so you can be there for your kids. Your wife has all the support she needs at rehab so don’t worry about her. We Wrote a letter in rehab about how alcoholism had affected me and the family. It was 6 pages long and he had to read in front of a group without having read it first. I kept it fair but was also super honest if course. Maybe your rehab does that as well. I wish you and your kids well. I hope your wife is really serious about getting sober. It is hard work so she has to want it. Hopefully rehab will be eye opening for her. They get called out by their rehab friends which is helpful I think because they have been there and so know all the behaviors everyone tries to justify or when someone plays victim.

If you want to not talk to your wife don’t feel bad. You deserve a break and probably need the mental break as well. For me it was super stressful to talk to my husband when he was in rehab. We wouldn’t have much time to talk and seemed to end up arguing each time. If you do want to talk to her that’s obviously fine as well but don’t let her feel make you feel bad if you need a break. Like I said, she has the support at rehab to deal with her emotions.

dandylion

Sleepyhollow-----yours is a very informative post!