ImNotThatGuy

Why do I keep doing this to myself and to everybody around me!?!

I wish alcohol didn't exist, but it does. The situation in the world and my personal situation are not helping me to want to stay sober, I think. Normally, when I've had longish periods of sobriety (five years once!), it was because the desire to be sober was greater than the desire to drink. Now I don't even really have a desire to drink, but I end up doing it anyway. It's the furthest thing from my mind, then -- BAM! -- AV says something like, "Everything is messed up anyway. Your life isn't any better sober. Go ahead, have a drink. What do you have to lose?" and like an idiot, I listen and agree for a split second. Then everything goes off the rails. Every drunk here knows what I'm talking about.

Online AA meetings just make me want to go to the pub because at least there are people there out on the patio, and I'm so sick of all this virus nonsense. I need to find an outdoor meeting maybe and come to this site religiously. It has helped me in the past.

Thanks for letting me rant.

tomls

This is not easy! Most people here will say that they tried to stop drinking more times than anyone in history! Please don't give up! If I can do it...

aasharon90

Can you talk about how you are getting your alcohol? Are you
driving to the store to get it? Is it in your home?

Many folks have found a way to stop the insanity that goes
with addiction. For myself, i entered rehab with family help
and remained their for 28 days with a 6 week outpatient after
care program attached.

From there, i went to many many AA meetings, step and
big book studies, surrounding myself with lots of recovery
support because i failed to get sober on my own.

With a common problem, addiction, and a program of
recovery as our solution, we learned day to day how to
keep the plug in the jug and achieve success in all areas
of our life including continuous sobriety a day at a time.

My journey in recovery began Aug. 11th 1990, some
many one days sober ago.

I wanted sobriety more than anything and no matter
how tough some days were, i suited up and showed
up to listen, learn, absorb and apply this particular
program of recovery taught to me in rehab.

So many return to their addiction because they become
complacent in their own recovery and thus believe one
day they may be able to drink normal.

For a person with alcohol addiction, drinking will never
be normal no matter what. I can absolutely tell you that
for me, if i ever pick up a drink of poison today with 30
yrs sobriety, i will either, get drunk, go crazy or die.

I will pick up exactly where i left off my drinking career
yrs ago and it wasnt pretty. I tried to end my life. Call it
quits on my life because i couldnt control my drinking
nor trying to hide it.

So much crap came with my addiction that i had had enough,
so i was looking for a quick cure which would have been a
permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Death would have definitely been permanent for sure.

However, i chose to learn how to live a sober life and
nothing in this world can be so bad that I would want to
pick up a drink to destroy all the blessing life has bestowed
upon me over the yrs.

Of course i couldnt see that with all the fog and distorted
view and vision I had from all the alcohol destroying my heart,
mind and soul. Once the fog cleared and the poison left
my body, then, i began to be willing, openminded and honest
to recieve all that valuable information about addiction and
recovery to take its place to incorporate in all my affairs.

Then the miracles began to happen and like so many before
me, i learn how to live a sober life achieving many of lifes rewarding
gifts all these sober yrs.

It is all waiting for you.

ImNotThatGuy

Hi Sharon, and thank you. It's impossible for me to physically avoid the presence or availability of alcohol. There are three liquor stores and multiple bars within a ten-minute walk of my home. I can walk by them without a second glance for weeks and months at a time, but all it takes is that one moment of weakness. If I had a job/insurance, I'd probably check myself into rehab. If there were a physical AA meeting, I'd go. The online meetings have not worked for me because it just drives home a major point of frustration for me -- "social distancing."

Day one... again.

Coldfusion

I hope you are able to dive into SoberRecovery and make this a permanent recovery. Here's some inspirational reading and good threads to join:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-one.html (Dee74's story - Part One)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-2-a.html (Dee's Story Part 2)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7497921 (Bouncing into the Weekend Sober 21-24 August Weekenders)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7498541 (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 497)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-1-a.html (Class of August 2020 Part 1)

LumenandNyx

It looks like you're fighting nature tooth and nail. Taking issue with the "nonsense" of social distancing due to the virus outbreak isn't going to make it go away. Rather than fighting this uphill battle - why not make your life a little easier and just go with the flow?

As to physical AA meetings? Start one. It only takes two people to make a meeting.

It looks like you've got an excuse for everything. Instead of being part of the problem - be part of the solution. So what if there are pubs and liquor stores within a ten minute walk. Walk the other direction. Don't walk. Drive to the park. Go somewhere ELSE.

You can be committed to your recovery. You can be resolved about it. Or - you can just know that you don't drink alcohol anymore and be done with it.

Gabe1980

I feel for you......I am back at my first week again and it sucks. You just need to re-group and figure out ways to challenge that thinking. It's hard, but you can do it and we are all here for you.

Dee74

You can't drink at COVID and make it go away man.
I know intellectually you understand that - remind your AV about it.

Noone likes having to do all the covid things or thinking about how long it might last - but one thing I know is that I'll only get through sober...if I started drinking I'd lose myself again...probably for good.

Until this, you've been doing great, man. You have a lot to offer other people too.

Put that AV on silent and knuckle down.

D

Silver11

Your post was important for me to read. I think a big part of staying sober is social connection. I just don’t have many people in my life just to talk to on a day to day basis.

Wishing you the best for your recovery!

C0ntr0ls

"Every drunk here knows what I'm talking about." - Yep

“come to this site religiously. “ - This time around, I made this site my home page so I have to go through it to get to the webs. It reminds me to read everyday. I believe it has helped me to remain sober.

RecklessDrunk

I know the frustration, its gotten way out of hand.
Remember the serenity prayer.
We're a pack animal for better or worse. To a large degree we are dependent on society.

If people want to continue lockdowns we may have to go live in the woods or go start some new country on a tropical island. But first let's deal with today before getting crazy. What can we do today? How can we accept this today? Let's worry about any kind of revolution some other time. If doomsday is around the corner lets be sober for it. Then the more likely case, what if doomsday isn't around the corner? What if things get mostly back to normal?

The reason alcohol is necessary is because they need tax revenue. Its sort of a Trojan horse. Here is something that will make you feel better is the message they offer. You drink it and it instantly makes you feel better. Many don't even realize the true effect. A little bit longer term it makes you more depressed, more dependent on alcohol. It keeps government going, its like people paying them to keep them locked down. Same with cigarettes, tax revenue, while many vape shops have been forced to close. The amount of people vaping varies inversely with cigarettes tax revenue Thats why in some places marijuana is celebrated while flavored vape is illegal. Marijuana is essential in some places, another Trojan horse keeping governments afloat. The porn industry, another opportunistic predator, isntant gratification that will destroy the mind.

Stay true to yourself, stay true to God. We have to choose to please the spirit instead of the flesh. Pleasing the spirit short term actually pleases the flesh longer term. The flesh is kicking and screaming about not drinking today but how does the flesh feel a month, 3 months, a year without a drink?

This is the best time to get or stay sober. What an opportunity this is to develop strentgh in our recovery. When its miserable and we still don't need to drink. That's why I like to run in the heat and people ask why. I get used to miserable and once the weather is comfortable again my body has so much more endurance. I look at the watch and I can't believe how easy it got.

Every time you drink you give the government more tax money. Its like they try and torture us and offer a pain killer, tell them what they can do with it!

A lot of people are going to come out this pandemic drunk and broken so we have to toughen up so we can better help them get sober.

You might be able to drive to another city or state and find a meeting. There should be an app or resources online to say which meetings are open. Make a little trip out of it if you can..

ImNotThatGuy

This is one more thing to put in my toolbox. Remind myself that I'm paying taxes to leeches and profits to jerks if I drink.

Thanks for your responses, everyone. Day One went off without a hitch. A bit of trouble getting to sleep was the only thing I noticed. Now for Day Two...

Dee74

congrats on day one down Chris
D

DriGuy

I don't know if this will make sense to you, but it does to me, because I've experienced it. Drinking when you know it's not helpful or going to a pub or a restaurant during a pandemic are symptoms. That self destruct is in you. Pandemics don't care if you want to participate in dangerous activities or not. Alcohol doesn't care if you drink it or not. That's you. It's part of your desires, addictions, and habits. We have all read that one of man's greatest strengths is the will to survive, but that will has a counterpart (survival/self destruction, love/hate, approach/avoidance, security/risk, victory/surrender, etc). I believe that each of us has those conflicts going on in our subconscious, and sometimes they bubble up. From person to person, they vary only in degree. Good mental health is recognizing all if it, and making choices about which are best for us. Inner conflicts are there. It's your environment, but you get to make the choices.