Wish I had taken action to leave back when I made this post 3 years ago...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 56
Wish I had taken action to leave back when I made this post 3 years ago...
Recently, I've been trying to remember just how long it has been that my relationship with my husband has been bad so I decided to look back on a post I made in this forum 3 years ago about my relationship with my husband.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6194028 (Marriage and family post sobriety)
Gosh, it just makes me sad to read about my AH 3 years ago. It is worse. Much worse. Since then, I drank again from July 2017 to November 2018. Sober almost a year again now. The kids are all teenagers now. 3 of the 4 are on anti anxiety meds. 1 is a recovering anorexic. 1 was into self harming and now has been experimenting with pills and OTC meds a couple of times to "get high" by herself. 1 has panic attacks and is failing classes because he won't do the work.
What am I doing here? Why am I not running for the door with my kids in tow? Our family dynamic is clearly having an affect on them. He's a powder keg, moody, makes angry faces at the kids when he doesn't like something they say or do, he is mad all the time, he gives us the silent treatment for days at a time. How did it get this bad? And how come I let it get this bad? Why am I not leaving now?
I've talked with him, even as recently as last week that I can't continue with him acting like he hates us. He said that we are his world and that he'll try to do better and I'm supposed to give him a "report card" on how he is doing. He did better for a few days, but the mean, unpredictability is creeping back in.
One of the kids' therapists said the alcohol should be locked up. I told him and he scoffed and ignored it/me. After a few days, I asked him to get rid of the alcohol (a suggestion by another therapist). He told me he likes to have a drink every now and then and he would lock it up instead. He locked up the whiskey, but the beer, wine, and Jagermeister still sit on the counter or in the refrigerator.
I went to a therapist for one appointment and told her some of these things and she looked at me like I had 3 heads. She didn't say it, but it was obvious she was as confused as I am about why I am here.
I can't seem to process all of this and I feel paralyzed. If we separate, I will leave, I'll have to and that is a lot to manage with 4 kids in tow. I will not leave without them. Our home is in the middle of his family farm with hundreds of acres around it.
Thanks for listening. I'd love to have some support, words of wisdom.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6194028 (Marriage and family post sobriety)
Gosh, it just makes me sad to read about my AH 3 years ago. It is worse. Much worse. Since then, I drank again from July 2017 to November 2018. Sober almost a year again now. The kids are all teenagers now. 3 of the 4 are on anti anxiety meds. 1 is a recovering anorexic. 1 was into self harming and now has been experimenting with pills and OTC meds a couple of times to "get high" by herself. 1 has panic attacks and is failing classes because he won't do the work.
What am I doing here? Why am I not running for the door with my kids in tow? Our family dynamic is clearly having an affect on them. He's a powder keg, moody, makes angry faces at the kids when he doesn't like something they say or do, he is mad all the time, he gives us the silent treatment for days at a time. How did it get this bad? And how come I let it get this bad? Why am I not leaving now?
I've talked with him, even as recently as last week that I can't continue with him acting like he hates us. He said that we are his world and that he'll try to do better and I'm supposed to give him a "report card" on how he is doing. He did better for a few days, but the mean, unpredictability is creeping back in.
One of the kids' therapists said the alcohol should be locked up. I told him and he scoffed and ignored it/me. After a few days, I asked him to get rid of the alcohol (a suggestion by another therapist). He told me he likes to have a drink every now and then and he would lock it up instead. He locked up the whiskey, but the beer, wine, and Jagermeister still sit on the counter or in the refrigerator.
I went to a therapist for one appointment and told her some of these things and she looked at me like I had 3 heads. She didn't say it, but it was obvious she was as confused as I am about why I am here.
I can't seem to process all of this and I feel paralyzed. If we separate, I will leave, I'll have to and that is a lot to manage with 4 kids in tow. I will not leave without them. Our home is in the middle of his family farm with hundreds of acres around it.
Thanks for listening. I'd love to have some support, words of wisdom.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,642
First, so glad to hear about your sobriety, congratulations on that.
As for your Husband, he is not getting sober now or anytime soon. The damage to your children is obvious. It's perhaps time to leave now, unless you want to be back here in 3 years with the same kind of update or worse.
As terrible as it is for you living with an alcoholic, it is 10 times worse for them because they are powerless. Imagine having him as your parent, someone you have to listen to, someone who is mean and unreliable and scary.
You have the option of leaving at any time. You could walk out that door tomorrow and never look back, never see him or speak to him again. They don't have that option, they are trapped.
Locking the liquor cabinet is a ridiculous idea. Is that to protect the kids from getting alcohol at home? I would be looking for a new therapist.
While doing that, you would be wise to contact a lawyer as well. Is it not time to leave? Don't you and your children deserve a peaceful and SAFE life? You do.
I hope you will consult with a lawyer as soon as possible, get to know what your options are. You aren't actually a hostage, it just seems like it. You are free to walk out that door, with your children, any day you choose.
Do you work full time? Have any family you can count on for support?
You may also want to contact your local DV center. They have many resources they can refer you to. Yes, this is abuse, emotional abuse toward all of you.
You can call the main line to find out where your local resources are: National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1−800−799−7233
https://www.thehotline.org/
As for your Husband, he is not getting sober now or anytime soon. The damage to your children is obvious. It's perhaps time to leave now, unless you want to be back here in 3 years with the same kind of update or worse.
As terrible as it is for you living with an alcoholic, it is 10 times worse for them because they are powerless. Imagine having him as your parent, someone you have to listen to, someone who is mean and unreliable and scary.
You have the option of leaving at any time. You could walk out that door tomorrow and never look back, never see him or speak to him again. They don't have that option, they are trapped.
Locking the liquor cabinet is a ridiculous idea. Is that to protect the kids from getting alcohol at home? I would be looking for a new therapist.
While doing that, you would be wise to contact a lawyer as well. Is it not time to leave? Don't you and your children deserve a peaceful and SAFE life? You do.
I hope you will consult with a lawyer as soon as possible, get to know what your options are. You aren't actually a hostage, it just seems like it. You are free to walk out that door, with your children, any day you choose.
Do you work full time? Have any family you can count on for support?
You may also want to contact your local DV center. They have many resources they can refer you to. Yes, this is abuse, emotional abuse toward all of you.
You can call the main line to find out where your local resources are: National Domestic Violence Hotline - 1−800−799−7233
https://www.thehotline.org/
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
The best decision I ever made was to leave my AXBF. My daughter was only three months old at the time, so you can imagine how terrified and guilty I felt. Now, as his life continues to disintegrate (he is 37 with cirrhosis of the liver), our lives just keep getting better and better. I am grateful every day for our happiness and peace of mind.
It probably won't be easy, but you can leave. You and your kids deserve so much better.
It probably won't be easy, but you can leave. You and your kids deserve so much better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 56
Thank you for the responses. I will take action. I guess I just need to hear from people that I’m not crazy to leave, that it IS the best thing for the kids. I need to hear from those who have left successfully.
Unfortunately, my AH is one of a very few (less than 5) attorneys in our local area. He is very well known throughout the entire region - and very well respected. So, finding an attorney who will represent me will be challenging. Uggh. Another reason I just feel stuck, and why it’s hard to gain momentum.
I’ll call the hotline- maybe they can help.
Thanks for reading. If you have your own “leaving” or ”regretful not leaving” stories, would you share them here with me, please?
Unfortunately, my AH is one of a very few (less than 5) attorneys in our local area. He is very well known throughout the entire region - and very well respected. So, finding an attorney who will represent me will be challenging. Uggh. Another reason I just feel stuck, and why it’s hard to gain momentum.
I’ll call the hotline- maybe they can help.
Thanks for reading. If you have your own “leaving” or ”regretful not leaving” stories, would you share them here with me, please?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 395
This was a challenge for me to read... and honestly remain calm. Your children are suffering! A direct result from both parents... not making healthy decisions. Thank you for posting and for their sake, will your next post read?... we have left, as my children are priority #1!
One day longer, is too long.
One day longer, is too long.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
strength4all...…..I decided to divorce my first husband...the father of my three small (at the time) children. He wasn't an alcoholic, and he never called me a name or actually raised his voice to me...which probably sounds great to some people...but it wasn't! It was about his basic selfishness and self-centeredness...and the constant, unrelenting criticisms and put-downs. No matter how hard I tried...there was no way to please him....or, for him to realize that I was a person with my own desires and needs....and not just a housemaid and nanny for the children. By the way, I worked full time, took total care of the home, and children. He took care of the "men's work"...the car, the yard, repairs and insisted that he have total control over all the money...giving me only a small allowance. Any purchases that I made were scrutinized by him...even down to a tube of lipstick.
I was very very successful in my work and began to develop more self confidence in myself, as a young woman....and started to develop my own interests...beyond just housekeeping and my work. This irritated him, greatly.....which brought a barrage of criticism, from him. I persisted, anyway....
After all...he had his own activities and interests outside of his work and school (he was working on a second degree).
I even drug him to marriage counseling...which he immediately dropped out of as soon as it was suggested that he needed to make some changes....so, I continued the counseling, by myself, for another several months.
I still remember the night that, after a conversation with him...and, more putdowns, it was like a light went on in my head---and I realized that I would never, never, never be able to be myself as long as I was attached to him...plus, the fact that I did not want my children raised in the atmosphere of his very ridged controlling ways.....
I had this intense drive, inside myself, that I wanted to be happy and free,,,and to be able to raise my children the same way. I knew that I deserved to be happy.....So, I announced to my husband, that very night, that I would be seeing a lawyer and filing for divorce.
I have never regretted that decision. the children are all adults, now...and, 7 years after the divorce, I remarried.
I really relished my years as a single parent....After closing the "prison doors" behind me, the kids and I had so much fun and enjoyed our life away from the 'Supervisor". yes, I dated and had my own very good social life...with lots of girlfriends and friends. I even went back to school to increase my income.
That was al a long time ago...and, I hear, through the grapevine...by the children and some mutual friends, that he has not changed one molecule! He did remarry...much sooner than I did....but, that didn't change him...I was so happy that he remarried, because that meant that had much less energy for criticizing me.....lol....
I have not spoken to him in many years....because I found that the less contact, the better.....
I should add, that, when I married, as a young woman...I never envisioned that I would get a divorce. I was dedicated to my family and my children...and, did everything in my power to make the marriage work....but, it takes two people to make a true marriage...not just a house with people living under the same roof.
I know that I made the right decision when I had to make it...…
So, there is my "leaving story".....
I was very very successful in my work and began to develop more self confidence in myself, as a young woman....and started to develop my own interests...beyond just housekeeping and my work. This irritated him, greatly.....which brought a barrage of criticism, from him. I persisted, anyway....
After all...he had his own activities and interests outside of his work and school (he was working on a second degree).
I even drug him to marriage counseling...which he immediately dropped out of as soon as it was suggested that he needed to make some changes....so, I continued the counseling, by myself, for another several months.
I still remember the night that, after a conversation with him...and, more putdowns, it was like a light went on in my head---and I realized that I would never, never, never be able to be myself as long as I was attached to him...plus, the fact that I did not want my children raised in the atmosphere of his very ridged controlling ways.....
I had this intense drive, inside myself, that I wanted to be happy and free,,,and to be able to raise my children the same way. I knew that I deserved to be happy.....So, I announced to my husband, that very night, that I would be seeing a lawyer and filing for divorce.
I have never regretted that decision. the children are all adults, now...and, 7 years after the divorce, I remarried.
I really relished my years as a single parent....After closing the "prison doors" behind me, the kids and I had so much fun and enjoyed our life away from the 'Supervisor". yes, I dated and had my own very good social life...with lots of girlfriends and friends. I even went back to school to increase my income.
That was al a long time ago...and, I hear, through the grapevine...by the children and some mutual friends, that he has not changed one molecule! He did remarry...much sooner than I did....but, that didn't change him...I was so happy that he remarried, because that meant that had much less energy for criticizing me.....lol....
I have not spoken to him in many years....because I found that the less contact, the better.....
I should add, that, when I married, as a young woman...I never envisioned that I would get a divorce. I was dedicated to my family and my children...and, did everything in my power to make the marriage work....but, it takes two people to make a true marriage...not just a house with people living under the same roof.
I know that I made the right decision when I had to make it...…
So, there is my "leaving story".....
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
My experience with leaving....
After 26 years as a couple, 22years married and 20 of those years raising two children, I decided enough was enough. We still loved each other but he wasn't treating me (or himself) with respect and I didn't trust him. I couldn't believe a word out of his mouth. There was never any physical violence and rarely any arguments....but he lied a LOT, especially about alcohol consumption, drunk driving and ANYTHING regarding money and finances. He used emotional manipulation to keep me in such a state of anxiety that I was paralyzed with fears. I spent every day walking on eggshells not knowing if I was going to get Dr.Jekyll or Mr.Hyde...it didn't matter if he'd been drinking or not, his mood swings were extreme and baffling. It was awful.
To stop the anxiety and misery I had to leave him. It was the hardest most painful thing I ever did. It broke everybodys' hearts...his, mine, kids, parents, friends... pretty much anyone who loved us got stung by us breaking up. It shocked everyone, I'd done a really good job of hiding the ugly truth. We had started out as such the "perfect" little family. When that started to crumble apart I spent a LOT of energy trying to keep up appearances. It got harder and harder to do as things got progressively worse with his alcoholism and my own codependence. I was so extremely exhausted. Both of us were setting really bad examples for our children. It was toxic for all of us. I regret that most of all. I wish I'd been much more honest about the dysfunction that was happening in our home instead of hiding it and projecting a false sense of "perfection". It was so unhealthy on so many levels. I cringe now when I think of it.
I had no idea how I was going to manage on my own. I had never had to do that. We had gone from living with our parents to living with each other. We'd never been alone. We'd never not been "we". I had no idea how to be alone, how to just be me and make my own way. I was terrified.
It hurt to stay, and it hurt to leave. When the pain of staying was worse then the pain of leaving, I left. It was the only way to heal and regain my sanity. I could not have gotten healthy if I stayed on the crazy train with him.
It's been almost six years since we broke up. I do not regret it. I have not had a single anxiety attack since the day I moved into my own place. I now live a much happier, and all around healthier life. I am remarried and so enjoy having a true companion who I can trust completely. I breathe easy. Six years ago I never knew my life could be this good, this relaxing, this happy, this stress-free...It certainly would not be if I had stayed in the chaos.
My ex husband is still living his same lifestyle and getting smacked with the consequences of the choices he makes...while blaming everybody else for the bad things that happen to him. At least I don't have a front row seat to that $hitshow anymore.
I am sorry you are navigating through the hell of having an alcoholic spouse. I remember it well. I hope you find the strength and clarity you need to start building a better life for yourself and your kids.
I don't regret leaving at all. What I regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
*HUG*
After 26 years as a couple, 22years married and 20 of those years raising two children, I decided enough was enough. We still loved each other but he wasn't treating me (or himself) with respect and I didn't trust him. I couldn't believe a word out of his mouth. There was never any physical violence and rarely any arguments....but he lied a LOT, especially about alcohol consumption, drunk driving and ANYTHING regarding money and finances. He used emotional manipulation to keep me in such a state of anxiety that I was paralyzed with fears. I spent every day walking on eggshells not knowing if I was going to get Dr.Jekyll or Mr.Hyde...it didn't matter if he'd been drinking or not, his mood swings were extreme and baffling. It was awful.
To stop the anxiety and misery I had to leave him. It was the hardest most painful thing I ever did. It broke everybodys' hearts...his, mine, kids, parents, friends... pretty much anyone who loved us got stung by us breaking up. It shocked everyone, I'd done a really good job of hiding the ugly truth. We had started out as such the "perfect" little family. When that started to crumble apart I spent a LOT of energy trying to keep up appearances. It got harder and harder to do as things got progressively worse with his alcoholism and my own codependence. I was so extremely exhausted. Both of us were setting really bad examples for our children. It was toxic for all of us. I regret that most of all. I wish I'd been much more honest about the dysfunction that was happening in our home instead of hiding it and projecting a false sense of "perfection". It was so unhealthy on so many levels. I cringe now when I think of it.
I had no idea how I was going to manage on my own. I had never had to do that. We had gone from living with our parents to living with each other. We'd never been alone. We'd never not been "we". I had no idea how to be alone, how to just be me and make my own way. I was terrified.
It hurt to stay, and it hurt to leave. When the pain of staying was worse then the pain of leaving, I left. It was the only way to heal and regain my sanity. I could not have gotten healthy if I stayed on the crazy train with him.
It's been almost six years since we broke up. I do not regret it. I have not had a single anxiety attack since the day I moved into my own place. I now live a much happier, and all around healthier life. I am remarried and so enjoy having a true companion who I can trust completely. I breathe easy. Six years ago I never knew my life could be this good, this relaxing, this happy, this stress-free...It certainly would not be if I had stayed in the chaos.
My ex husband is still living his same lifestyle and getting smacked with the consequences of the choices he makes...while blaming everybody else for the bad things that happen to him. At least I don't have a front row seat to that $hitshow anymore.
I am sorry you are navigating through the hell of having an alcoholic spouse. I remember it well. I hope you find the strength and clarity you need to start building a better life for yourself and your kids.
I don't regret leaving at all. What I regret is that I didn't do it sooner.
*HUG*
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: CA
Posts: 25
Two years ago I said I was leaving. He made promises - yet again. It's no better now. If anything it's worse. I just completed the papers to file and have hired a paralegal to help with that. Because I don't want another 2 years to go by and be in the same sad situation. I had a lot of anxiety over doing it in the beginning. But today, knowing my ducks are in a row, I actually feel happy. We deserve to be happy. Your children deserve to be happy. Changing nothing changes nothing. Just take a small step to start. Then another. You will get there at your own pace.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Wishful thinking.....
my qualifier kept me sucked into the promises and endless lies for years....
finally the insanity of another crazy relapse snapped snapped me out of the wishful thinking of a happy ending....
he binged, disappeared and I locked him out for good. Told him call mewhen you have 1 year sober book is flights to Tahiti with separate rooms and I will date you ... drink... and I don’t know you.
lots of calls... over 10 years. Lots of babbling nonsense. No recovery. From the penthouse to skid row literally. (Alcoholism is progressive) no Tahiti. No happy ending... for him!
I am great! No regrets. It was sad... but our choices determine our destiny. He chose alcohol. I chose recovery... from codependency and wishful thinking.
choose your destiny my friend. Is he an anchor or balloon?
wishing you the very best... it hurts to break the ties but it’s worth every minute of pain for years of freedom and peace.
finally the insanity of another crazy relapse snapped snapped me out of the wishful thinking of a happy ending....
he binged, disappeared and I locked him out for good. Told him call mewhen you have 1 year sober book is flights to Tahiti with separate rooms and I will date you ... drink... and I don’t know you.
lots of calls... over 10 years. Lots of babbling nonsense. No recovery. From the penthouse to skid row literally. (Alcoholism is progressive) no Tahiti. No happy ending... for him!
I am great! No regrets. It was sad... but our choices determine our destiny. He chose alcohol. I chose recovery... from codependency and wishful thinking.
choose your destiny my friend. Is he an anchor or balloon?
wishing you the very best... it hurts to break the ties but it’s worth every minute of pain for years of freedom and peace.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
I left about 3 years ago now and I regret not leaving sooner. It’s not all rainbows and sunshine, divorce is hard...coparenting with an alcoholic is hard.... What I thought the relationship could be was hard to get over. But I’m in a better place now. I have more control and am not living with the unpredictability. Though my kids miss their dad, I truly think the stability they get now will help them in the long run.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 56
I talked to my sister and she stated that I shouldn’t have to leave with the kids because the least amount of disruption is best for them. How am I supposed to get him to leave? She suggests counseling just to be sure we can’t get it to work before separating.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,642
While I'm sure your Sister loves you all very much, she is perhaps not that familiar with alcoholism?
Joint counselling is not usually recommended when one of the two is in active addiction. You know him well, is he ready to come clean honestly and lay his emotions on the line in front of a stranger to try to see if there is hope for your marriage?
Sorry but this guy ^^^^ doesn't sound like someone who is going to be forthright in marriage counselling.
I completely agree that it would be so much better if he left. If you can have him comply with that, it would be much easier for all of you. If you can't though, don't let that be the issue that holds you back. If he won't I don't know what your living arrangement is. If you own your residence there may be a legal way to get him to move, especially if you file for separation (if that is even available where you live). If you rent, perhaps he will agree to be taken off the lease.
Speaking to a lawyer will give you an overview of your rights (including visitation and child support).
Joint counselling is not usually recommended when one of the two is in active addiction. You know him well, is he ready to come clean honestly and lay his emotions on the line in front of a stranger to try to see if there is hope for your marriage?
He's a powder keg, moody, makes angry faces at the kids when he doesn't like something they say or do, he is mad all the time, he gives us the silent treatment for days at a time.
I completely agree that it would be so much better if he left. If you can have him comply with that, it would be much easier for all of you. If you can't though, don't let that be the issue that holds you back. If he won't I don't know what your living arrangement is. If you own your residence there may be a legal way to get him to move, especially if you file for separation (if that is even available where you live). If you rent, perhaps he will agree to be taken off the lease.
Speaking to a lawyer will give you an overview of your rights (including visitation and child support).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
strength4all
I can sympathize with your situation. Married for 21 years w/ 3 kids. 2 grown and out of the house and our 14 y/o son. I just separated (3ish months ago) from my AH. Most definitely a hard decision to make, for yourself and for the kids. I was lucky and my husband didnt give me much of a fight. (I would not allow drinking in our home anymore, so easy decision for him) Not so great for my hope of our marriage surviving. I too felt it best for our son to remain in his home, for stability and school etc. He didn’t do anything wrong, why should his or my life be uprooted for AH’s actions?!
While reading your story I see your AH is a local attorney. Bare with me here...I'm just throwing this out there... perhaps if he refuses your request for him to leave the home, even as a temporary break, you could kindly put it this way...How would it look when the community/clients/family find out that his wife and kids were made to leave their home because of his alcoholism? I’m also assuming when/if you contact a lawyer, the word will spread around eventually too? Maybe he wouldn’t care or maybe it would give him pause to think. I am in NO way a conniving type person (really, I’m not
but if you plant that seed in his head it might take root? I’m just a really firm believer that no spouse or child of an alcoholic should be made to suffer even worse then they already are. Keeping those precious children safe, secure and in the family home is in theirs and your best interest. Unless there is no other option or it’s unsafe for other reasons.
I agree with trailmix as well... trying to have joint counseling with an active alcoholic is not recommended
I would highly recommend counseling, Al Anon, Al Ateen for you and your kids.
FYI...I should have left about 5 years ago. It only gets worse, especially when your spouse is in complete denial of the damage they are causing
High Five on your sobriety 🖐🏼 your worth it!!
Take Care and keep posting 💜
I can sympathize with your situation. Married for 21 years w/ 3 kids. 2 grown and out of the house and our 14 y/o son. I just separated (3ish months ago) from my AH. Most definitely a hard decision to make, for yourself and for the kids. I was lucky and my husband didnt give me much of a fight. (I would not allow drinking in our home anymore, so easy decision for him) Not so great for my hope of our marriage surviving. I too felt it best for our son to remain in his home, for stability and school etc. He didn’t do anything wrong, why should his or my life be uprooted for AH’s actions?!
While reading your story I see your AH is a local attorney. Bare with me here...I'm just throwing this out there... perhaps if he refuses your request for him to leave the home, even as a temporary break, you could kindly put it this way...How would it look when the community/clients/family find out that his wife and kids were made to leave their home because of his alcoholism? I’m also assuming when/if you contact a lawyer, the word will spread around eventually too? Maybe he wouldn’t care or maybe it would give him pause to think. I am in NO way a conniving type person (really, I’m not
but if you plant that seed in his head it might take root? I’m just a really firm believer that no spouse or child of an alcoholic should be made to suffer even worse then they already are. Keeping those precious children safe, secure and in the family home is in theirs and your best interest. Unless there is no other option or it’s unsafe for other reasons. I agree with trailmix as well... trying to have joint counseling with an active alcoholic is not recommended
I would highly recommend counseling, Al Anon, Al Ateen for you and your kids.
FYI...I should have left about 5 years ago. It only gets worse, especially when your spouse is in complete denial of the damage they are causing
High Five on your sobriety 🖐🏼 your worth it!!
Take Care and keep posting 💜
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I left 5 years ago (or rather kicked him out and said don't ever come back). It would not be truthful to tell you it's been easy. However, what you are doing now is not easy either. What I can tell you is that there was immediate relief. Yes, my kids are still exposed to their addict father. However, instead of being exposed to him 100% of the time, it's now about 5% of their time. I got them counseling so they could learn to deal with the stress of an addict father and a set of divorced parents. It helped them grow into amazingly strong people who understand addiction and how it affects families. They know how to take care of their mental health and how important that is.
They are ages 20 and 14. They were 15 and 8 when we separated. My biggest advise is go to an attorney who understands addiction and is familiar with the family court judges in your area. Get people who will protect you and your children, and make sure you have those protections put in place.
Sending you big hugs!
They are ages 20 and 14. They were 15 and 8 when we separated. My biggest advise is go to an attorney who understands addiction and is familiar with the family court judges in your area. Get people who will protect you and your children, and make sure you have those protections put in place.
Sending you big hugs!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
strength4all...….l. also, think that your sister probably means well....and, ideally, it WOULD be great if your husband would just be agreeable and leave, himself, and do what is best for the kids without arguments. But, you will have to deal with reality as it presents itself.
Your sister probably doesn't know that in the events of addictions (such as alcoholism)...and/or abuse...it is generally true that professional marriage counselors will not undertake a couple until the addict is fully sober....
There are some very good reasons for this.
I can appreciate the fact that y our husband is a lawyer in a small legal pond, that you live in. I imagine how intimidating that can be for you.
It is so essential that you do get legal advice and representation,though. You cannot/should not proceed, without it. You need people who are knowlegable and are supportive to YOU, on your "side".
first of all, it will greatly increase your self confidence, and allay many of your fears...especially, your fears of your husband.
***I highly agree with the recommendation of talking to the folks at the dv center, in your area. Get their recommendations of who to see...and, also, find out what services that they have at their fingertips, to help you. there is probably more that you actually know about.
Remember...even though it may seem like your husband is Goliath...and, you are David....there IS the rule of law, in the courts. The rules of existing laws is on your side....even if it does seem like an imperfect world, to you....don't just passively "cave" out of fear.
Remember, that fear is not, necessarily, fact!
I am giving you the following link to a website, that is educational, in nature. It is arranged by State. It will give you a way to organize your own thoughts and questions, for when you do see a lawyer. It can save you time, and assure t hat you can get your important questions answered....
you might want to have consultations with more than one lawyer...
www.womansdivorce.com
Your sister probably doesn't know that in the events of addictions (such as alcoholism)...and/or abuse...it is generally true that professional marriage counselors will not undertake a couple until the addict is fully sober....
There are some very good reasons for this.
I can appreciate the fact that y our husband is a lawyer in a small legal pond, that you live in. I imagine how intimidating that can be for you.
It is so essential that you do get legal advice and representation,though. You cannot/should not proceed, without it. You need people who are knowlegable and are supportive to YOU, on your "side".
first of all, it will greatly increase your self confidence, and allay many of your fears...especially, your fears of your husband.
***I highly agree with the recommendation of talking to the folks at the dv center, in your area. Get their recommendations of who to see...and, also, find out what services that they have at their fingertips, to help you. there is probably more that you actually know about.
Remember...even though it may seem like your husband is Goliath...and, you are David....there IS the rule of law, in the courts. The rules of existing laws is on your side....even if it does seem like an imperfect world, to you....don't just passively "cave" out of fear.
Remember, that fear is not, necessarily, fact!
I am giving you the following link to a website, that is educational, in nature. It is arranged by State. It will give you a way to organize your own thoughts and questions, for when you do see a lawyer. It can save you time, and assure t hat you can get your important questions answered....
you might want to have consultations with more than one lawyer...
www.womansdivorce.com
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 56
Thank you, again, for the insight and support.
1. It sounds like my first move is to call the DV number and find an attorney.
2. Have appt with attorney to discuss separation options.
3. Have the separation discussion with husband.
4. He moves, or I do.
Am I missing anything?
I do have an appointment to view a rental home Wednesday afternoon.
I just wonder how long it’s going to take to get an appointment with an attorney.
1. It sounds like my first move is to call the DV number and find an attorney.
2. Have appt with attorney to discuss separation options.
3. Have the separation discussion with husband.
4. He moves, or I do.
Am I missing anything?
I do have an appointment to view a rental home Wednesday afternoon.
I just wonder how long it’s going to take to get an appointment with an attorney.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Talk to more than one attorney
sometimes the initial consult is free or low cost. Get an overview and how they bill. See if you connect with that expert and you will be amazed at how much you learn with more than one opinion ....
after those meetings you will will feel much more confident in how to proceed...
and they will will get you inquick! It’s how they pay thier bills and it’s competative
after those meetings you will will feel much more confident in how to proceed...
and they will will get you inquick! It’s how they pay thier bills and it’s competative
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