Zevin

And can you start putting away cash, just in case bank accounts, credit cards etc. are suddenly frozen or depleted? Maybe your sister could hold onto it for you?

Kokoro

I haven't really got any advice but your thread is what scares me regarding my future. Look after your children, they are innocent and had never been asked to be born. I don't have children but it is a big part of what made me decide to go. You have more strength than you know.

Mango212

How are you doing?

Al-Anon, Alateen/Alakid and DV Recovery Centers are what DS12 and I started with. There are many paths to healing.

".What am I doing here? Why am I not running for the door with my kids in tow?"

Trauma bonding information might be helpful.

Trauma bonding can very subtle or blatant, often both. We can be in a relationship where we are constantly verbally criticised, let down, and manipulated. But sometimes our partner is ‘so wonderful’, we stick it out.

Signs of trauma bonding

Not sure if you are or are not involved in trauma bonding? Look for these signs of traumatic bonding:

Feeling stuck and powerless in the relationship but trying to make the best of it.

Deep down there are moments you don’t even know if you like or trust the other person, but you can’t leave.

The other person constantly lets you down but you still believe their promises.

Overidentifying with the abuser or toxic person.

Leaving feels wrong or when you do leave there is an urge to return to the toxic situation.

strength4all

trailmix

That's a lot strength4all, I'm sorry you are having to go through all this.

I'm glad you are considering another attorney. She is recommending an intervention and finding him counseling when she has just thrown out her alcoholic Husband?

I'm sorry your Son is struggling right now. Sounds like you are doing what you can. Hopefully with a little help he can be feeling much better really soon.

So that's everyone else, how about you? I really hope you are taking time for yourself and getting support.

dandylion

strength4all.....congratulations on taking definite actions. Taking the baby steps...one by one, is how progress is made...
"How does the jug fill with water? One drop at a time"

Yes, by all means...get a consult from another attorney....That is always the best advice.

You are going to need all the moral support that you can get, from those who are "on our side"...….Lean on them...lol...

Seren

Good morning, strength4all!

I'm happy to read about your sobriety! That's great! I understand the inertia that kept you in your marriage even after you fully realized the extent of your husband's addiction. Even when I realized I was in an unhappy marriage (my first), it took me a while to work up the courage to make a change.

While I'm sure this attorney meant well and for your husband's interest as well as your marriage, but using children as a carrot or a stick to "make" an alcoholic get sober is not, imho, in their best interest. Your children have been in the home with him their whole lives and their presence has not yet made him want to change his behavior. I think your own experience with alcoholism makes you understand that it is a personal battle, a personal journey. Others can't make an alcoholic want to quit.

I'm happy to know you are working to improve your life and your children's lives! That takes a lot...a lot of courage and strength. You and your whole family will be in my prayers.

strength4all

Mango212

I could really use some time away to spend with friends or family.


It's absolutely okay (and often an amazing experience, when dealing with alcoholism/addiction) for you and your kids to have a 2 or3 week stay with supportive, kind family or friends.

trailmix

I'm certainly no psychiatrist (then again neither is the attorney!) but I think involving children in an intervention is a horrible idea.

It can only go two ways. He takes it to heart, seeks recovery and all is well! So your children feel they "saved" Dad.

It's a disaster and he walks out to go get drinks. The children feel they have not been able to save Dad.

Both of those outcomes are awful. Even with example one, what if he then relapses, are they responsible for that?

You are absolutely right about her being too close to this situation.

AnvilheadII

i'm thinking that attorney crossed a line from giving LEGAL advice, to another realm that is not her job. you didn't ask for advice on how to "help" your husband or what other actions you should take regarding his addiction. that was hugely inappropriate, IMO.

i hope you get a second opinion! you and your kids have suffered enough.

Bernadette

I wish I could fast forward these next few months...
phew. I need strength.

Sending you a barrel full of strength and courage! Keep putting the children first and maybe make a list or print out your original post and when you find you are afraid or backsliding or questioning yourself just go to the page and remind your brain of the REALITY.

Also it is absolutely NOT normal to engage minors in an intervention. That is bad practice and regardless of outcome would be damaging to their already fragile mental health. And, staging an intervention takes a long time and outside support - you can decide to do that in future if you want, with other adult family members and friends, when your own and your kids' situation has stabilized. Keep the focus on you and the children not on the adult alcoholic.

We're all holding you close here and admire your strength in taking these steps. Carry on! One step at a time. You're doing the right but difficult thing.
Peace,
B.

hopeful4

Please do not use your children in that way. It likely will not work, and they will feel at fault. Children need to be reminded constantly that none of this is their fault.

Sending you a big hug!

Mango212

How are you doing today?

Sending wishes for peace, strength and prosperity.

strength4all

Hi. I am doing okay. Thanksgiving was uneventful. I am spending a lot of time away from the house with the kids when he is home.
I have another appointment with a different attorney Tuesday.
I still need to find a therapist. It isn't for lack of trying. It's the holidays and it's a hard time to get appointments.
Al anon - I need to find a meeting. Has anyone done the electronic or phone meetings? I'm not sure I can actually attend a meeting with everything going on.
Alateen - So, do I just take my kids to a meeting? How does that work? Do I just drop them off? Do I stay? Do I tell them why they are going? They don't know any other way of life, so they won't understand why they even need to go...
I'm still very apprehensive about separation. I know it is the right thing to do. I am just still shocked I am in this situation. No one will understand - from all outside appearances, I'd be crazy to leave.
I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving.

dandylion

strength4all......in person support is going to be sooo important for you.
About alanon…...check out the phone numbers on the internet. Call and talk to someone from alanon...they will be very understanding and helpful.....In some places, they, also, have childcare. As I understand it, your kids are old enough to be in a nearby room...and, they can take their homework, to do.
I can't remember if you work during the day?
Also, you can call the local dv center, by an anonymous, and confidential phone call. You wo n't even have to give your actual name. They will understand. They have all kinds of info. and resources at their fingertips.....remember, that they deal with these kinds of issues, every day.
They may know of counselors to refer you to...and, they should have the listings of local alanon meetings and local Alateen, AA meetings, etc.

Your kids are old enough that I think you can talk to them straightforward and honestly...and, simply.
Here is my suggestion.....tell the kids that you are going to alanon to help you deal with the effects of your husband's drinking. Tell them that you will be finding an alateen meeting for them to go to, for the same kind of reason.
If you know that things are "bad", in the home...due to his drinking...they know it, also. You would be shocked to know how much they are are aware of....adults always under estimate how much the kids are aware of.

Strength 4all.....you will find that people who understand...and, have dealt with these kinds of issues, will ben over backwards to help you....if you just reach out to them....

Seeing the second lawyer is a good step....just keep going forward with baby steps....don't let yourself loose momentum.....

honeypig

In my experience, the electronic and phone meetings were not especially helpful. I had looked into them in the earliest days of my recovery b/c they seemed like an easier option, even though I'm fortunate enough to have many, many in-person meetings in my area. Also, in my case, not necessarily in yours, I wasn't ready to really work for my recovery, wasn't ready to really put forth the effort it takes, and that may have colored my experience too.

I know there are others here who've been in a situation where the only f2f meeting has been too far to travel, or where there's only one meeting available but it's during work hours. For those folks, there's really no other option.

For me, making the time and putting forth the effort to actually get to a f2f meeting was very important, not least for the simple fact that I was declaring that I was worth that time and effort. Even that was a big thing, although I didn't realize it until much later. For me, the fact of being physically present w/others who understood my situation was important, too. It was the one thing that SR couldn't offer--an actual hug, face-to-face communication, interaction in the real world. And I didn't get any of those things in a telephone or email or chat room meeting.

That's just my experience. Others may tell you different. For me, SR and Alanon were both important, each in their own way. Again, others have had different experiences, but this is what it was like for me.

Sorry I can't offer any thoughts on the kids and Alateen, but having seen the legacy of growing up in an alcoholic family both in my mother and in my X's family, I would urge you to get help for them in any way you can. Alcoholism is the gift that keeps on giving, generation after generation, if the problem isn't dealt with.

strength4all

dandylion

strength4all......congratulations on taking this first step! Absolutely, keep going.
I feel sure that you will become more comfortable, as you actually meet some of the other members....
You don't have to share, unless you feel comfortable....

honeypig

Good for you for mustering up the courage to go, strength4all! I hope you'll go back again. Usually it's suggested to try 6 meetings (several different ones, if you have several to choose from) before deciding whether or not Alanon is for you.

A few things that might help you are:

1) If you possibly can, arrive maybe 10 minutes early. If you're there early, you can maybe help set up chairs or something and in the process, meet a few other members of the group. They may ask you if you're new, or you can volunteer that information. In my experience, there are usually folks at a meeting who will welcome a newcomer, offer some Alanon literature and make sure you have a list w/phone numbers and/or emails of members so you can reach out between meetings if you need or want to.

2) Stay a little bit late and help put away chairs, tables, etc. This is for the same reasons as above--a chance to talk to some members and feel a little more at home. If a particular person seems to resonate w/you, see if you can get together for coffee after the meeting or at another time. Sometimes there is a group that goes for coffee or a snack; that would be another chance to get to know folks.

3) Do some reading about Alanon and their principles. The book "How Alanon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics" is a good starter, in my opinion. You can check to see where your closest Alanon bookstore or central office is, or you can easily (and cheaply) find used copies of Alanon books on Amazon and at several online used booksellers (PM me if you'd like that info). This will help you understand the structure of the meetings and how people try to help each other.

Different meetings can have very different "flavors", due to different structures and the different individuals that make them up. Some meetings are step studies, focusing on a different step each month. Some focus on working through a particular Alanon book. Others are structured so there is a different topic each week, w/a calendar passed around so that members can sign up to lead a meeting on a given week, choosing a topic, step, quote, etc., for discussion. Some folks prefer small meetings for the intimate feeling; others feel small meetings are sometimes clique-y and prefer large meetings.
Daytime meetings may be mostly older folks who are retired and stay-at-home moms (although not necessarily), while evening meetings may include younger folks who work during the day.

During the first year after XAH and I split, my work schedule varied a lot and so I had the opportunity to check out a LOT of different meetings in my area. Some I liked very much, others not that well. While I think it's definitely a good idea to give the original group another try, if you have the option of trying another one, I'd encourage that too. I found that the meeting that was the closest to me or at the most convenient time wasn't always the one that did the most for me in terms of growth.

It seems like a lot to ask, when someone is feeling so bad already, to say "well, try more meetings, and talk to people, and put forth the effort even though you can scarcely drag yourself to the meeting in the first place." But that's what we're asking of our A's, too. Recovery is hard, hard work, no matter which side of the fence you're from, but the results are worth it.

Again, kudos to you for getting to the meeting. I hope you find one that feels like home soon.