Wish I had taken action to leave back when I made this post 3 years ago...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 56
Good ideas for getting connected in the alanon meetings. With all of the activities and Dr appointments for my kids, it’s going to be hard to get to the meetings. In addition, I need to be at home later in the evenings to try and maintain the peace on our home. I will go when I can.
I was talking with my sister again today and I suggested setting a timeline with my AH. Essentially, I suggested telling him he needed to make a Dr appointment to get help quitting alcohol within the next two weeks or I’m going to get me and the kids safe and well not living with him. She said her therapist said that he has recommended to his clients that the wife make an appointment for couples counseling and tell the husband to show up. He either shows and they try to work things out, or he doesn’t and at least the wife tried... She said alcoholic or not, couples counseling is suggested.
????
I love my sister, but she’s having trouble letting go of the idea of it just working out between my AH and me.
This is after I told her the story of my daughters sharing with me that while they are out walking or riding their bikes that they see him in the garage multiple times a day doing shots of liquor. That is not healthy Dad behavior!
and, he’s offering them (14 years old) beer after doing work with him in the yard.
I feel sick.
I was talking with my sister again today and I suggested setting a timeline with my AH. Essentially, I suggested telling him he needed to make a Dr appointment to get help quitting alcohol within the next two weeks or I’m going to get me and the kids safe and well not living with him. She said her therapist said that he has recommended to his clients that the wife make an appointment for couples counseling and tell the husband to show up. He either shows and they try to work things out, or he doesn’t and at least the wife tried... She said alcoholic or not, couples counseling is suggested.
????
I love my sister, but she’s having trouble letting go of the idea of it just working out between my AH and me.
This is after I told her the story of my daughters sharing with me that while they are out walking or riding their bikes that they see him in the garage multiple times a day doing shots of liquor. That is not healthy Dad behavior!
and, he’s offering them (14 years old) beer after doing work with him in the yard.
I feel sick.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
Offering a 14 year old a drink, wow. I'm sorry you and your children are around that kind of behaviour.
He is an alcoholic offering his children alcohol. That's a certain kind of warped thinking.
As for marriage counselling. I'm thinking an exchange will probably go something along the lines of:
So Mr. AH, your wife has said she would appreciate it, if you are going to drink, if you could at least take the alcohol out of the house.
AH: Well I do like to have a drink every now and then, what if I lock it up instead?
You already know how these conversations go. You have been married how long? You have 4 children. I can't see how if you can't get through to him, anyone would think a therapist could? Why would anyone believe he would be any more honest or forthcoming with someone he just met, that means nothing to him?
He's not honest with himself? He's not honest with you but a therapist will not get a manipulative answer?
Now, I have not been to marriage counselling with an alcoholic, however based on what I have read here and there haven't been a huge number of posts about it, it hasn't gone well. You may have a different experience, of course.
He is an alcoholic offering his children alcohol. That's a certain kind of warped thinking.
As for marriage counselling. I'm thinking an exchange will probably go something along the lines of:
So Mr. AH, your wife has said she would appreciate it, if you are going to drink, if you could at least take the alcohol out of the house.
AH: Well I do like to have a drink every now and then, what if I lock it up instead?
You already know how these conversations go. You have been married how long? You have 4 children. I can't see how if you can't get through to him, anyone would think a therapist could? Why would anyone believe he would be any more honest or forthcoming with someone he just met, that means nothing to him?
He's not honest with himself? He's not honest with you but a therapist will not get a manipulative answer?
Now, I have not been to marriage counselling with an alcoholic, however based on what I have read here and there haven't been a huge number of posts about it, it hasn't gone well. You may have a different experience, of course.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I have never been able to talk about addiction with anyone in my family who has not lived it. Even though it run in the maternal side of my family....
I know how hard it can be, but please don't feel you have to please those who simply don't understand what you've been living through. You are the only one living in your situation--you know what's best for you even if it is the hardest thing you've ever done.
Sending strength, clarity, peace, and hugs!
I know how hard it can be, but please don't feel you have to please those who simply don't understand what you've been living through. You are the only one living in your situation--you know what's best for you even if it is the hardest thing you've ever done.
Sending strength, clarity, peace, and hugs!
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Phoenix AZ
Posts: 17
Whew. Hugs to you. Scary as well I am sure with a small town respected attorney. Maybe go just outside your town? If you explain your situation, really explain it, don't hold back, someone will help you fight him if that is what it comes down to. I just recently signed up for online therapy. Instant access to a therapist and I don't have to try to figure out when to see her. She also costs less. Betterhelp.com. this is also the age of self education. There really isn't anything you cant find online. Educate yourself, empower yourself. And realize you deserve to be happy.
I separated twice from my husband a few years back when he was active. My life was craziness. Soooo peaceful when he left. He got sober. This last month, he has drank again. I don't know if he will continue with it or decide to get better. I can't control that tho, so I signed up for therapy and I am getting myself in order in the event it progresses. Keep a log too about his actions while things are being figured out. The judicial system is about what you can prove and how you plead your case.
Most importantly tho, and def the hardest part is realizing life as you know it has to change and you have to be the one to pull the trigger. You can do it. Dig deep. Somewhere in you is this incredible strength. You just need to believe you can reach it. 💞💞💞
I separated twice from my husband a few years back when he was active. My life was craziness. Soooo peaceful when he left. He got sober. This last month, he has drank again. I don't know if he will continue with it or decide to get better. I can't control that tho, so I signed up for therapy and I am getting myself in order in the event it progresses. Keep a log too about his actions while things are being figured out. The judicial system is about what you can prove and how you plead your case.
Most importantly tho, and def the hardest part is realizing life as you know it has to change and you have to be the one to pull the trigger. You can do it. Dig deep. Somewhere in you is this incredible strength. You just need to believe you can reach it. 💞💞💞
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 56
Brightlight, I’m sorry to hear he is drinking again. What are you planning to do?
i consulted an online divorce coach who had a free phone consultation. It turned into a sales pitch - she listened and said things that were geared towards why I needed to sign up for her online 3 month web class. She told me I needed her class before seeking an attorney. She told me my kids are going to resent me for not leaving. A lot of scare tactics. (Not saying there may not be truth to the statements, but they were specifically said to scare me into signing up for her class.)
I consulted with a 2nd attorney. I learned a few more things from her that I need to do ASAP, but not how to do them covertly.
i made 2 appointments with therapists for me . One can see me next week... the other one is the following week. Depending on how the first one goes , I may cancel the second therapist.
i plan to attend AlAnon tomorrow morning.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 134
I have never heard of a divorce coach before, the internet has everything these days. Sounds like it comes with a “catch” though, sorry for that. I have not yet consulted with any divorce lawyers, TBH I’m still kinda stuck in the separation stage. So I have no advice on that end.
Glad to hear youre giving al Anon another chance. I had to go several times before the light bulb really came on and I started feeling comfortable with other members. Remember, take what you like and leave the rest.
P.S. I think your sister has very good intentions (I have 3 of my own) and you have a close relationship. But no one knows what goes on in your house except the people who have to live there. Maybe tell her you appreciate her suggestions BUT right now you just need her unwavering support and understanding??
Glad to hear youre giving al Anon another chance. I had to go several times before the light bulb really came on and I started feeling comfortable with other members. Remember, take what you like and leave the rest.
P.S. I think your sister has very good intentions (I have 3 of my own) and you have a close relationship. But no one knows what goes on in your house except the people who have to live there. Maybe tell her you appreciate her suggestions BUT right now you just need her unwavering support and understanding??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 56
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
My biggest advise is go to an attorney who understands addiction and is familiar with the family court judges in your area. Get people who will protect you and your children, and make sure you have those protections put in place.
Sending you big hugs!
Sending you big hugs!
thanks!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
strength, I can't tell you where to find an attorney who's familiar with addicts and addiction, but I can tell you why: Think about all you've learned since coming here--things like ignoring the A's words and only trusting actions. If your attorney doesn't know anything about addicts, he/she will be just as clueless as you were when you first came to SR. The attorney will expect your A to behave rationally, to do what he says he will, to have normal priorities, to not lie about anything and everything--in short, to behave like a normal person, while we know that that is the last thing that is likely to happen.
You want a lawyer who's on the same page as you, one who has the A's number right from the get-go and who will sidestep all the BS that the A will surely be shoveling. You want someone who can spot the lies and read between the lines, like you've learned to do. You want someone who understands what you've been through and where you're trying to go, and why. THAT person can be an effective advocate for you.
You want a lawyer who's on the same page as you, one who has the A's number right from the get-go and who will sidestep all the BS that the A will surely be shoveling. You want someone who can spot the lies and read between the lines, like you've learned to do. You want someone who understands what you've been through and where you're trying to go, and why. THAT person can be an effective advocate for you.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,649
One place to start might be by calling your closest DV center. They do have people they refer to and I'm sure they have a list of lawyers that are familiar with abuse cases.
Where abuse is, generally, drugs and alcohol are not far behind.
Where abuse is, generally, drugs and alcohol are not far behind.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 56
Thank you. I was talking to my sister and telling her the information I have learned from my consultations, and how I keep having people, therapy and attorneys, look at me like I’m crazy for getting in this position and not running away. And, it occurred to me about reading here about getting an attorney with addiction experience. Thank you for the advice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 56
Thank you. I was talking to my sister and telling her the information I have learned from my consultations, and how I keep having people, therapy and attorneys, look at me like I’m crazy for getting in this position and not running away. And, it occurred to me about reading here about getting an attorney with addiction experience. Thank you for the advice.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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strength4all...….it is true, I think, that most people don't know Jack about the true nature of alcoholism. Most of what is known...or, what people think that they know, is old wives tales and urban legends that have been passed down through generations.....
This applies to all of the professionals, as well.....to have an in-depth understanding....it takes specialized study and experience in working with alcoholics and their families.....above and beyond their usual field of expertise.
I know that was true for me!
Your experience is not surprising......
This applies to all of the professionals, as well.....to have an in-depth understanding....it takes specialized study and experience in working with alcoholics and their families.....above and beyond their usual field of expertise.
I know that was true for me!
Your experience is not surprising......
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