Marriage and family post sobriety
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 56
Marriage and family post sobriety
Been married 15 years with 4 children 12 years old and younger. I was sober from March 2013 to April of 2015. Started drinking again in April 2015 and before I knew it, I was at least as bad off as I was before and it was time to stop. It has not been easy, but my last drink was Sept 6, 2016. My husband has continued to drink throughout my sobriety and drunkenness.
Those 2 years I went back to drinking, our marriage seemed better than it is now. We talked more, we had more in common, and my irritation with him was short-lived. I think my drinking again made his drinking worse than ever.
And then, it hit me that this alcoholic parent situation was just getting too bad for the kids. I began to realize some of the impact the drinking was having on the kids (again). In addition, my health is not good and not improving. So, I quit again. I posted when I quit again in Sept, that the house felt like someone had died. The sadness was apparent. Our marital link to the drink was broken.
Quitting again has not been easy, but after the first few days to 2 weeks, I have fallen back into my sobriety days of 2013-2015. I don't think much about me drinking at all and I think it's because of those 2 sober years and the "normalcy" that I gained by not drinking for so long.
Since Sept, I have become more and more disgusted with AH. I don't think he's changed, but I have, and my patience is just gone. I find him incredibly irritating when he is inebriated. He says the same things over and over again. He's loud. He doesn't remember what he says/does. He's critical of my concerns/requests. The next day he is so hungover and wants to know why I'm upset so I tell him and then he apologizes, says it makes sense and it won't happen again...and then something else happens a few days later during inebriation time and the pattern starts again.
Maybe today is the day I am finally posting about my frustration because of Halloween...
We have 4 kids. The kids went trick or treating last night with friends at 2 places completely across town from each other. I did all the pick up/drop offs, the visit with his Mom, and walked with 2 of the kids and their friends, and he stayed home. He had several shots of liquor and a beer or two before we even left the house... I'm just starting to look around and see all of the sober Dads that are present for these types of things and it just makes me mad. It makes me sad for the kids that their Dad is too self centered to attend these functions. As a wife, I'm pissed I have to carry the extra weight by myself. The kids have just gotten used to him not doing these non-sports optional things. I clarify because he is very involved in attending/helping out with all of their sports activities...as am I.
I'm just so fed up and don't know what to do. He's not going to change.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this, but I guess it just feels better sharing. As a good alcoholic family, we are very private people so I have not talked about this with anyone, not family or friends.
Those 2 years I went back to drinking, our marriage seemed better than it is now. We talked more, we had more in common, and my irritation with him was short-lived. I think my drinking again made his drinking worse than ever.
And then, it hit me that this alcoholic parent situation was just getting too bad for the kids. I began to realize some of the impact the drinking was having on the kids (again). In addition, my health is not good and not improving. So, I quit again. I posted when I quit again in Sept, that the house felt like someone had died. The sadness was apparent. Our marital link to the drink was broken.
Quitting again has not been easy, but after the first few days to 2 weeks, I have fallen back into my sobriety days of 2013-2015. I don't think much about me drinking at all and I think it's because of those 2 sober years and the "normalcy" that I gained by not drinking for so long.
Since Sept, I have become more and more disgusted with AH. I don't think he's changed, but I have, and my patience is just gone. I find him incredibly irritating when he is inebriated. He says the same things over and over again. He's loud. He doesn't remember what he says/does. He's critical of my concerns/requests. The next day he is so hungover and wants to know why I'm upset so I tell him and then he apologizes, says it makes sense and it won't happen again...and then something else happens a few days later during inebriation time and the pattern starts again.
Maybe today is the day I am finally posting about my frustration because of Halloween...
We have 4 kids. The kids went trick or treating last night with friends at 2 places completely across town from each other. I did all the pick up/drop offs, the visit with his Mom, and walked with 2 of the kids and their friends, and he stayed home. He had several shots of liquor and a beer or two before we even left the house... I'm just starting to look around and see all of the sober Dads that are present for these types of things and it just makes me mad. It makes me sad for the kids that their Dad is too self centered to attend these functions. As a wife, I'm pissed I have to carry the extra weight by myself. The kids have just gotten used to him not doing these non-sports optional things. I clarify because he is very involved in attending/helping out with all of their sports activities...as am I.
I'm just so fed up and don't know what to do. He's not going to change.
I'm not sure why I'm posting this, but I guess it just feels better sharing. As a good alcoholic family, we are very private people so I have not talked about this with anyone, not family or friends.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sounds like a good time to start talking. AA and Al-Anon are both terrific (I've benefited from both), and people will GET what you're dealing with. My own guess is that in addition to your disgust with him, you're carrying some guilt about your own drinking history.
Shame thrives on secrets. Getting things out in the open (with the appropriate people) can make everything a bit less overwhelming. I'd think about it, if I were you.
Congrats on your new sober time!
Shame thrives on secrets. Getting things out in the open (with the appropriate people) can make everything a bit less overwhelming. I'd think about it, if I were you.
Congrats on your new sober time!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
S,
So glad you found us. All the craziness that you are witnessing with your ah, your kids witnessed that when you were both drinking. I am so proud of you that you have chosen sobriety. Those 4 precious children deserve to have one healthy parent in their life. Are you working any program? Sobriety is about growing up, sobering up and working a program. I hope that you can take the time and help yourself as your kids need you.
You have a lot of support on this forum. You can hit the new to recovery or alcholism forum to keep you sober. You can hit the adult children of alcohlics forum or family members of alcoholics forum and of course read the stickies of the friends & family forum. (so much to read and so little time with 4 kids)
Sounds like you have a little anger towards your ah. Hon, he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do, so it's not his problem, its yours. You are going to have to educate yourself about alcoholism. It is progressive and it will get worse. You obviously grew up in an alcoholic family, did you want that for your kids?
Take your time, do your homework. Do not engage with him when he is drinking or drunk. If there is issues, leave the house and take the kids, they do not have to engage in it.
Keep posting, we are for you!!
So glad you found us. All the craziness that you are witnessing with your ah, your kids witnessed that when you were both drinking. I am so proud of you that you have chosen sobriety. Those 4 precious children deserve to have one healthy parent in their life. Are you working any program? Sobriety is about growing up, sobering up and working a program. I hope that you can take the time and help yourself as your kids need you.
You have a lot of support on this forum. You can hit the new to recovery or alcholism forum to keep you sober. You can hit the adult children of alcohlics forum or family members of alcoholics forum and of course read the stickies of the friends & family forum. (so much to read and so little time with 4 kids)
Sounds like you have a little anger towards your ah. Hon, he doesn't have a problem with his drinking, you do, so it's not his problem, its yours. You are going to have to educate yourself about alcoholism. It is progressive and it will get worse. You obviously grew up in an alcoholic family, did you want that for your kids?
Take your time, do your homework. Do not engage with him when he is drinking or drunk. If there is issues, leave the house and take the kids, they do not have to engage in it.
Keep posting, we are for you!!
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