Wife's therapy opens old wounds
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Wife's therapy opens old wounds
Be so nice if the world conformed to our best efforts, desires and just desserts. Alas. Sober almost 18 months, having worked on and working on every aspect of my life, I'm confronted with the pain I caused as a result of my drinking as my wife is in therapy and, of course, things have come up. In no danger of picking up again. But it's difficult not to feel defeated, defensive and depleted being confronted now with that man I'm doing everything to distance myself from.
Do I deserve just to have my past transgressions erased? Of course I know better. But it's a heavy load and almost like switch flipped inside to be cast backwards in ways to my shame and struggles. All I can do is be present, allow her to do what she needs to do. But it's no fun.
The pain and suffering we earn as selfish drunks lingers and festers. The sooner we can each put down the booze, the lighter the sober future will be.
Do I deserve just to have my past transgressions erased? Of course I know better. But it's a heavy load and almost like switch flipped inside to be cast backwards in ways to my shame and struggles. All I can do is be present, allow her to do what she needs to do. But it's no fun.
The pain and suffering we earn as selfish drunks lingers and festers. The sooner we can each put down the booze, the lighter the sober future will be.
Not Alone
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: South East UK
Posts: 1,513
Hey dude,
It sounds like it's a case of living life on life's terms. Which, to be fair, sucks at some points. But, the way we adapt and change to the different seasons of life and the different setbacks or falls is how we grow and change and evolve.
I've always believed that I need to feel the pain of my past transgressions. I did those things, they hurt someone and I felt guilt/pain/shame/regret etc. I knew those feelings were valid and I was able to forgive myself for what I'd done.
Stay strong, pick up the phone rather than a bottle if you need to.
Natom
It sounds like it's a case of living life on life's terms. Which, to be fair, sucks at some points. But, the way we adapt and change to the different seasons of life and the different setbacks or falls is how we grow and change and evolve.
I've always believed that I need to feel the pain of my past transgressions. I did those things, they hurt someone and I felt guilt/pain/shame/regret etc. I knew those feelings were valid and I was able to forgive myself for what I'd done.
Stay strong, pick up the phone rather than a bottle if you need to.
Natom
Member
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 598
I really feel for you. I would not like this one bit and I doubt if I would handle it well at all. It may not push me to drink again but it will definitely make me very resentful. Well done for accepting this so gracefully.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
I understand how you feel. 
I felt awful guilt over how I treated my kids when I was drinking. 
We mended our relationships after a little time and now are better than ever. I hope you and your wife can find some peace of mind.
I felt awful guilt over how I treated my kids when I was drinking. 
We mended our relationships after a little time and now are better than ever. I hope you and your wife can find some peace of mind. 
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Stockport/Greater Manchester/Cheshire
Posts: 911
Hang in there Less.
It’s a process you both have to go through.
You know you are no longer that mess of a man.
She has to get to know the new you and get up to speed.
Probably didn’t think you’d do it and now she’s behind. Not saying she’s in the wrong. Acceptance and mutual support is key in my eyes.
Friends and family are still getting used to the new me. And so am I
Hope this wave of unpleasantness passes soon for the both of you.
It’s a process you both have to go through.
You know you are no longer that mess of a man.
She has to get to know the new you and get up to speed.
Probably didn’t think you’d do it and now she’s behind. Not saying she’s in the wrong. Acceptance and mutual support is key in my eyes.
Friends and family are still getting used to the new me. And so am I
Hope this wave of unpleasantness passes soon for the both of you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,614
Hello there sorry you going thru that. Its just the carnage we left behind from our old ways. Hey friend it could be worse feel me.in my case my marriage dissolved into divorce.lost my job,house.car. licence. Some if most due to my addiction to booze. And we thought booze was our friend? Yeah right. But hey you know what? Something had to be done and in my case I surrendered gave all my worries etc. To my higher power. Cause my way was not working. That being said heres the flip side of being 131 sober today. Health is better both physically and mentally. I have a new job. I excersise well ride bike to and from work I think that counts. Was able to accept my failures . my foundation is getting stronger. And all this why? Cause I quit boozing. Pretty cool stuff. ✌
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Gainesville, Fl
Posts: 435
Originally Posted by SoberRican 
in my case my marriage dissolved into divorce.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Less— my sympathies to you and your wife. She will get through this just as you had to. I daresay most couples get into phases of life and need to do “the work” for one reason or another and regardless of alcohol being an issue. I can understand your underlying shame as well as hope being supportive of her finding her way.
I didn’t actually start abusing alcohol until I hit my late 50s so I know I raised my children (as a single mother, I had been widowed at 29) without that being a factor, and I still had all kinds of guilt and issues when my children were teenagers. Counseling shed light on what was mine to own, and how to parent more effectively. Some life skills don’t come with a clear path of what to do. Still I had a huge amount of regret and never giving myself credit for what my strengths were. In my 40s I became a grandparent, even scarier.
When the going gets tough, just take deep breaths, time outs when things get gnarly (for processing the situation), check out professionals who can help you both with balancing and insight in support your marriage, and always take care of yourself. Do whatever it takes to keep a healthy perspective. She will see your strengths if she falls apart. True it's hard getting through the bumps in the road but see it as the occasion where you are going to shine. I applaud your will, determination and strength to maintain.
Just curious, does she perhaps want to change her goals/dreams/career? Is there more underlying here? Ask her. Sometimes we can get to the age where we have unresolved dreams and regrets for not choosing them. Perhaps now that you are stable, she feels safe enough she may be regretting her career path? Just a thought for what it's worth.
Good luck and God bless.
I didn’t actually start abusing alcohol until I hit my late 50s so I know I raised my children (as a single mother, I had been widowed at 29) without that being a factor, and I still had all kinds of guilt and issues when my children were teenagers. Counseling shed light on what was mine to own, and how to parent more effectively. Some life skills don’t come with a clear path of what to do. Still I had a huge amount of regret and never giving myself credit for what my strengths were. In my 40s I became a grandparent, even scarier.
When the going gets tough, just take deep breaths, time outs when things get gnarly (for processing the situation), check out professionals who can help you both with balancing and insight in support your marriage, and always take care of yourself. Do whatever it takes to keep a healthy perspective. She will see your strengths if she falls apart. True it's hard getting through the bumps in the road but see it as the occasion where you are going to shine. I applaud your will, determination and strength to maintain.
Just curious, does she perhaps want to change her goals/dreams/career? Is there more underlying here? Ask her. Sometimes we can get to the age where we have unresolved dreams and regrets for not choosing them. Perhaps now that you are stable, she feels safe enough she may be regretting her career path? Just a thought for what it's worth.
Good luck and God bless.
Last edited by Ladysadie; 09-12-2019 at 02:52 PM. Reason: spelling
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Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 1,312
Nothing hurts more than acknowledging the hurt that we have caused. But it sounds to me that this time around you get to be the supportive, caring partner who is there for her. And you have first hand knowledge of how to work through issues. Hang in there.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
“But it's difficult not to feel defeated, defensive and depleted being confronted now with that man I'm doing everything to distance myself from. ”
less, here’s just what popped into my mind while reading this: how would it be to have acceptance for that guy and compassion fir how “sick”he was and embrace him as who you were then...and keep the distance from the actions you inflicted then by not only not repeating but by being present as you say you are? distancing from the man you were seems like it just might hinder you being an integrated person, for/within yourself and inside your relationship.
less, here’s just what popped into my mind while reading this: how would it be to have acceptance for that guy and compassion fir how “sick”he was and embrace him as who you were then...and keep the distance from the actions you inflicted then by not only not repeating but by being present as you say you are? distancing from the man you were seems like it just might hinder you being an integrated person, for/within yourself and inside your relationship.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
the pain and suffering is only on wounds that werent treated. have you looked at your past actions and how they effected her and others?
something that can help ya is to look at those transgressions and learn why ya did them. then you can make true amends to your wife.
are you still that man from back then,less? are you still that sick man acting that way?
something that can help ya is to look at those transgressions and learn why ya did them. then you can make true amends to your wife.
are you still that man from back then,less? are you still that sick man acting that way?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Man this site is the best. Thank you everyone who made comments here, each one has me thinking about different aspects of my current situation. All have me feeling so grateful for the thoughtfulness, experience, wisdom and value of this site filled with people who I'll never meet who both got me to sobriety and aid me in the process of becoming who I want to be.
Thank you thank you thank you.
Thank you thank you thank you.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 116
Hey less gravity.
I'm almost at 19 months and I can definitely relate. When trying to make good with people I hurt in the past...it reminds me of that guy I used to be...and get very anxious. Unfortunately nothing can erase the past...but I think what you're doing with your wife is very healthy. It's much better to acknowledge who we were and face it head on rather than bury it and pretend it never happened.
Just think of who you were back then and who you are NOW. And see how much you've grown and changed from being that person.
I'm almost at 19 months and I can definitely relate. When trying to make good with people I hurt in the past...it reminds me of that guy I used to be...and get very anxious. Unfortunately nothing can erase the past...but I think what you're doing with your wife is very healthy. It's much better to acknowledge who we were and face it head on rather than bury it and pretend it never happened.
Just think of who you were back then and who you are NOW. And see how much you've grown and changed from being that person.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Alcoholism is a disease. It is your responsibility to deal with your own recovery. That's it. We family members who are affected by this "family disease of alcoholism" also get to own our actions and healing. It's a big deal ------ and it's not. Recovery is both simple and complex. Wherever we need to make amends, that is possible. One day at a time. More will be revealed.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Oh my how I, and I'm sure most, relate to what you are saying. No partner here, but have had, and I'm sure will continue to have, the exact feelings with my child.
Cow, one of our very coolest of members, used the phrase 'meet her where she is'. I love that. How I apply this is: Ok, I caused a helluva lot of damage. Fact. Past. But fact. Her feelings and pain however are hers. I can allow her them, without owning them. Because I can't get better, and stay better, if I own her feelings. Much easier said than done. But that's what I try to remember.
And also by not owning them, I don't try to change them. Or minimize them. Or maximize them. Or fix them. I just hear them. Be there with her, with them. Give her the right, the permission, to feel whatever she needs to. To say whatever she needs to. I don't know if that makes any sense. I lived in a family where we weren't allowed to feel. We weren't allowed to act against the alcoholic dynamic. We were told how to feel. I won't do that to her.
Her college essay, which I helped her write, was about my drinking. And it was amazing. She is an amazing writer. But wow, what a robust story line. You're welcome. No seriously. Writing that with her, at Panera of all places, was both completely normal and utterly stunning.
I'd like to say it gets better. Or it gets easier. Or it goes away. It doesn't. It just is.
Cow, one of our very coolest of members, used the phrase 'meet her where she is'. I love that. How I apply this is: Ok, I caused a helluva lot of damage. Fact. Past. But fact. Her feelings and pain however are hers. I can allow her them, without owning them. Because I can't get better, and stay better, if I own her feelings. Much easier said than done. But that's what I try to remember.
And also by not owning them, I don't try to change them. Or minimize them. Or maximize them. Or fix them. I just hear them. Be there with her, with them. Give her the right, the permission, to feel whatever she needs to. To say whatever she needs to. I don't know if that makes any sense. I lived in a family where we weren't allowed to feel. We weren't allowed to act against the alcoholic dynamic. We were told how to feel. I won't do that to her.
Her college essay, which I helped her write, was about my drinking. And it was amazing. She is an amazing writer. But wow, what a robust story line. You're welcome. No seriously. Writing that with her, at Panera of all places, was both completely normal and utterly stunning.
I'd like to say it gets better. Or it gets easier. Or it goes away. It doesn't. It just is.
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