Is this necessary
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
Is this necessary
I have an AS who is an alcoholic also dabbles in other drugs.. been on the roller coaster of relapse, recovery, relapse. Can only make it about 6 weeks sober when he has support around then addiction takes over and he goes back to isolation, no meetings, wreckage. This current relapse is very bad. Hasn't worked for weeks, collecting. Has no money for rent but finds money for booze... This time there will be no help from parents, done. Tried helping before and now face tremendous debt. He needs detox and inpatient again but we get a bad vibe about rehabs because it seems like they are revolving doors and cost so much.
Researching places just in case he wanted to go and found one that says it is not a normal one but focuses on individualized treatment... $33,000! We can't afford that.
However, the guy was saying that an alcoholic can't do it without medical detox and individualize care to work on the fixing the inner person. Told me that is why there is constant relapse because the chemicals are stored up in ones body after so many years of abuse. As they slowly release,then the cravings start and relapse.
Just wanted to know what you all did to get into recovery and stay? I read about a moment of clarity- is it that simple and we just need to wait for that?
Researching places just in case he wanted to go and found one that says it is not a normal one but focuses on individualized treatment... $33,000! We can't afford that.
However, the guy was saying that an alcoholic can't do it without medical detox and individualize care to work on the fixing the inner person. Told me that is why there is constant relapse because the chemicals are stored up in ones body after so many years of abuse. As they slowly release,then the cravings start and relapse.
Just wanted to know what you all did to get into recovery and stay? I read about a moment of clarity- is it that simple and we just need to wait for that?
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
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As someone who grew up with a person like your son I am sorry to say that it seems unlikely that any rehabilitation center can fix him. I find that people who go through multiple rehabilitation facilities become what I call rehab resistant. At least that was my experience. Perhaps you could share the name of this miracle working facility so that folks here can provide a more informed opinion?
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Join Date: Apr 2007
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There's no need to share the rehabs name here in order to answer your question Hummingbird - I'd only probably have to remove it anyway 
.
I'm so sorry your son is still struggling.
I'm of the opinion that nothing will 'work' - not rehabs., no AA, no doctor, no counsellor, no places like SR - until the alcoholic admits there's a problem and wants to stop - and is prepared to work to make that happen.
I had a moment of clarity when I accepted the responsibility to stay sober was mine and mine alone- I hope your son has a similar experience very soon Hummingbird.
D
.I'm so sorry your son is still struggling.
I'm of the opinion that nothing will 'work' - not rehabs., no AA, no doctor, no counsellor, no places like SR - until the alcoholic admits there's a problem and wants to stop - and is prepared to work to make that happen.
I had a moment of clarity when I accepted the responsibility to stay sober was mine and mine alone- I hope your son has a similar experience very soon Hummingbird.
D
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Location: NC
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That "moment of clarity" for me was the realization that I was unable to control or hide my addiction any more and that I either had to completely quit or die. Trying to help the addict/alcoholic with things like rent, etc only shelters them from the consequences of their choices. Perhaps the best thing you can do is to let him know that you are unable to 'help' with consequences but stand ready to support when he makes the choice to get and stay sober.
AA taught me that I have to be willing to go to any length to get sober, and that I have to be willing every day of my life if I want to stay sober. Nobody but the alcoholic/addict is able to make that decision.
AA taught me that I have to be willing to go to any length to get sober, and that I have to be willing every day of my life if I want to stay sober. Nobody but the alcoholic/addict is able to make that decision.
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What Dee said.
As both the adult child of an alcoholic and one myself, I couldn't "choose" sobriety for my mom, nor could my parents for me. Fortunately, both of us finally did - and that's the beginning for recovery, whatever we call that moment, realization or decision.
I can't tell you why I was DONE with alcohol, finally, that Feb day 3 yrs ago, in the liver dr's office, other than clarity, my higher power and desperation.
Have you sought support for yourself as the parent? I hear some thoughts in your post with which I know to be true first hand (such as substance abuse does indeed affect everything in our bodies) but also commingled with other less helpful part-truths (the idea of a miracle and that's it, to paraphrase).
I believe addiction is a family disease and takes absolutely no prisoners. I also know that I can only help myself by a continued, permanent and active daily recovery program.
Sending support to you.
As both the adult child of an alcoholic and one myself, I couldn't "choose" sobriety for my mom, nor could my parents for me. Fortunately, both of us finally did - and that's the beginning for recovery, whatever we call that moment, realization or decision.
I can't tell you why I was DONE with alcohol, finally, that Feb day 3 yrs ago, in the liver dr's office, other than clarity, my higher power and desperation.
Have you sought support for yourself as the parent? I hear some thoughts in your post with which I know to be true first hand (such as substance abuse does indeed affect everything in our bodies) but also commingled with other less helpful part-truths (the idea of a miracle and that's it, to paraphrase).
I believe addiction is a family disease and takes absolutely no prisoners. I also know that I can only help myself by a continued, permanent and active daily recovery program.
Sending support to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Originally Posted by hummingbird358 
Researching places just in case he wanted to go and found one that says it is not a normal one but focuses on individualized treatment... $33,000! We can't afford that.
However, the guy was saying that an alcoholic can't do it without medical detox and individualize care to work on the fixing the inner person. Told me that is why there is constant relapse because the chemicals are stored up in ones body after so many years of abuse. As they slowly release,then the cravings start and relapse.
Just wanted to know what you all did to get into recovery and stay? I read about a moment of clarity- is it that simple and we just need to wait for that?
However, the guy was saying that an alcoholic can't do it without medical detox and individualize care to work on the fixing the inner person. Told me that is why there is constant relapse because the chemicals are stored up in ones body after so many years of abuse. As they slowly release,then the cravings start and relapse.
Just wanted to know what you all did to get into recovery and stay? I read about a moment of clarity- is it that simple and we just need to wait for that?
The part about chemicals slowly releasing, I'm not sure about. I wouldn't be surprised, but from what I have read, cravings aren't usually described that way. But I wouldn't deny that alcoholism lends to a buildup of toxins in the human body.
The question is, "Does rehab work?" Obviously, it works for some, but it seems like the system is supported by well oiled revolving doors, suggesting there are questions about it's effectiveness. At $33,000 a month, it seems like effectiveness should be guaranteed. And even if it were, such costs still strike me as exorbitant. Without insurance, these facilities could not exist.
Here's a few paragraphs taken from an NY Times article I found about a study of rehab centers done by Columbia University. I find it spooky. Some of the claims are not part of the Columbia study, and I can't speak to the qualifications of the authors outside of the study.
https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/...ion-treatment/
According to recent examinations of treatment programs, most are rooted in outdated methods rather than newer approaches shown in scientific studies to be more effective in helping people achieve and maintain addiction-free lives.
The Columbia report found that most addiction treatment providers are not medical professionals and are not equipped with the knowledge, skills or credentials needed to provide the full range of evidence-based services, including medication and psychosocial therapy. The authors suggested that such insufficient care could be considered “a form of medical malpractice.”
Contrary to the 30-day stint typical of inpatient rehab, “people with serious substance abuse disorders commonly require care for months or even years,” she wrote.
“The short-term fix mentality partially explains why so many people go back to their old habits.”
The Columbia report found that most addiction treatment providers are not medical professionals and are not equipped with the knowledge, skills or credentials needed to provide the full range of evidence-based services, including medication and psychosocial therapy. The authors suggested that such insufficient care could be considered “a form of medical malpractice.”
Contrary to the 30-day stint typical of inpatient rehab, “people with serious substance abuse disorders commonly require care for months or even years,” she wrote.
“The short-term fix mentality partially explains why so many people go back to their old habits.”
The bottom line is that the prognosis for alcoholics is statistically very poor. The survivors who recover are a small minority no matter what method or program is used.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
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I also benefited from the feeling of being completely raw, when I was no longer able to care for myself and nobody was going to step in and save me. Feeling inside-out was terrible and helped me to think about an alternative way of living. It was going to be up to me not to drink, and that's it.
I was in rehab for four weeks, and I learned some things there, but it did not stop my relapse from happening. Maybe if I had an opportunity to be six months in a facility I would have had a different result, and it would have needed to be one more consistent with how I practice recovery than program-based, but that is just me. I would not go back to rehab today if I relapsed, for one reason just being it would be un-affordable to do so to make it worth it, and insurance coverage is quite limited for such care.
Some people find sober living houses that work, but I have also heard that there are plenty of bad stories to know about living in a stressful environment, with high turn-over, and where recovery is more about testing clean than on change.
It's a very personal thing to come to know that you have to stop, and in my own experience it was full of hardships.
I was in rehab for four weeks, and I learned some things there, but it did not stop my relapse from happening. Maybe if I had an opportunity to be six months in a facility I would have had a different result, and it would have needed to be one more consistent with how I practice recovery than program-based, but that is just me. I would not go back to rehab today if I relapsed, for one reason just being it would be un-affordable to do so to make it worth it, and insurance coverage is quite limited for such care.
Some people find sober living houses that work, but I have also heard that there are plenty of bad stories to know about living in a stressful environment, with high turn-over, and where recovery is more about testing clean than on change.
It's a very personal thing to come to know that you have to stop, and in my own experience it was full of hardships.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
The $33,000 was for a 3 month stay. No meds just work on ridding toxins and individualized program for working on the inner self. Still a lot of money to put out when we have already had to borrow how much and he never follows through.
I hate feeling hopeless but that is how I feel. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
I hate feeling hopeless but that is how I feel. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
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Hummingbird- I really empathize with your son- and now that I am sober, with my parents and the things you are sharing as the mom.
My dad spent a lot of money on helping my mom - and finally SHE decided to get real about getting sober- and her process of doing that did involve inpatient, then a half way house, then living with a sober friend for some amount of time. I don't even really know the details beyond that as I had separated myself from her and all communication for that time period.
As for me - my parents spent a ton of money on supporting me by rent, car-lease-cosign, soooo many things - but ultimately, I got sober cold turkey and with AA. That's it.
The inner work, etc - very important for me as I knew I had to transform my life. Like others said, that doesn't happen quickly (ie in a stay in rehab). It's an ongoing priority for me as I live with healthy relationships, the right priorities, everything. I firmly believe that in the context of healing, we all have to get sober FIRST then deal with the "big stuff."
Many people told my parents to cut me off completely. Now, we are all grateful they chose not to - but my story and their investment in me as the adult alcoholic could easily have ended in tragedy and waste of life.
I can only reiterate my suggestion to get support for you and your husband. It is desperately awful to watch someone you love killing themselves. There are so many layers to the disease of addiction and I always circle back to its insanity....and the fact that only the addict/alcoholic can get sober for themselves.
My dad spent a lot of money on helping my mom - and finally SHE decided to get real about getting sober- and her process of doing that did involve inpatient, then a half way house, then living with a sober friend for some amount of time. I don't even really know the details beyond that as I had separated myself from her and all communication for that time period.
As for me - my parents spent a ton of money on supporting me by rent, car-lease-cosign, soooo many things - but ultimately, I got sober cold turkey and with AA. That's it.
The inner work, etc - very important for me as I knew I had to transform my life. Like others said, that doesn't happen quickly (ie in a stay in rehab). It's an ongoing priority for me as I live with healthy relationships, the right priorities, everything. I firmly believe that in the context of healing, we all have to get sober FIRST then deal with the "big stuff."
Many people told my parents to cut me off completely. Now, we are all grateful they chose not to - but my story and their investment in me as the adult alcoholic could easily have ended in tragedy and waste of life.
I can only reiterate my suggestion to get support for you and your husband. It is desperately awful to watch someone you love killing themselves. There are so many layers to the disease of addiction and I always circle back to its insanity....and the fact that only the addict/alcoholic can get sober for themselves.
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As they say in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, a psychic change was needed for me to get sober. I surrendered to the fact that I needed help. Until then, recovery was not possible for me.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
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Originally Posted by hummingbird358
It just kills me to see him destroy his life. Financially, mentally, and physically he is spiraling downward.
Time went by and I inquired with my friends what was happening with the sister. She had started drinking again. She drank herself to death and died of alcohol related symptoms in the hospital a few months after she got home. I felt terrible, and this was only a woman I knew briefly, and who I only spent two hours a night with taking her to meetings. My vicarious joy in her brief success was followed by sadness and a feeling of helplessness as I was hit with the full force of knowledge that her sobriety was in her hands, and hers alone.
We can try to take responsibility for another, but in the end, the responsibility is not ours. I hope your son finds his way. I hope this for you and for him. I wish you both a good outcome in his horrible struggle.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Just wanted to know what you all did to get into recovery and stay? I read about a moment of clarity- is it that simple and we just need to wait for that?
I actually think it is that simple, although 'simple' belies how hard it is to watch. However, you can offer your son a bed for the night, to have dinner with you. It's a difficult balance to strike between caring for someone, and enabling their drinking, and detaching with love. Although I went to rehab, and more than once, I'd be wary of the kind of advice you were given today, and also of putting yourself into debt for an endeavour it's not entirely clear from your post your son is committed to.
Have you sought support for yourself from Al-anon, or perhaps try the Friends and Family boards on SR?
And yes, for me to recover, it took a moment of clarity. Ironically, having been to several rehabs (though perhaps these were all laying the foundation for just that moment, though I am not convinced of this) I eventually got sober through a plain old 12 step call, AA meetings and solid sponsorship. It happens, even for those of us, perhaps like your son, who just keep spiralling downward.
Wish you well.
I actually think it is that simple, although 'simple' belies how hard it is to watch. However, you can offer your son a bed for the night, to have dinner with you. It's a difficult balance to strike between caring for someone, and enabling their drinking, and detaching with love. Although I went to rehab, and more than once, I'd be wary of the kind of advice you were given today, and also of putting yourself into debt for an endeavour it's not entirely clear from your post your son is committed to.
Have you sought support for yourself from Al-anon, or perhaps try the Friends and Family boards on SR?
And yes, for me to recover, it took a moment of clarity. Ironically, having been to several rehabs (though perhaps these were all laying the foundation for just that moment, though I am not convinced of this) I eventually got sober through a plain old 12 step call, AA meetings and solid sponsorship. It happens, even for those of us, perhaps like your son, who just keep spiralling downward.
Wish you well.
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Hummingbird, I don't think it's the rehab or anything else that's the problem. If and when your son makes a decision to live a sober life, he will be able to do it. It doesn't take $33,000. It will take motivation on his part.
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Ma'am.
I am so sorry for the pain you're going through as you watch your son suffer mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually and the helplessness and powerlessness I hear in your posts. The week of 2/18/2019 my son tried overdosing three times. He left my house the Friday before his suicide attempts, and I knew when he drove away that it might be the last time I saw him. He called me from the hospital and told me what he'd done. His next call was asking me could he come here, that he needed help. I told him I couldn't help him but that I had the name of three places that dealt with alcohol and drug addiction and he would have to be the one who made the call. I gave him the numbers and he made the call. Although I'm a recovered alcoholic of 21 years, had I have made the choice for him, he would have blamed me and the treatment center if the 28 days were not successful. He will have completed his 28 days next week sometime. He had to get to the point where he'd lost all hope, the same place I had to get, in order to reach out and say he was out of energy, that he couldn't take the pain anymore. I was where you are less than 30 days ago so I know what you're going through, I really do. He's in a 28 day treatment facility. Talking to him on the phone is like talking to someone I don't even know, and I mean for the better. As mothers, we want to take away the pain that comes with watching them burn their lives to the ground, but we are the ones who are cleaning up their messes, so they stay willing to pay the price of getting evicted, losing their possessions, jobs, homes, cars, etc. When we take away the consequences it's as if they have a free ticket to get high and wasted one more time, and then our actions intensify as they get sicker. We become sicker than they are.
I'm been thinking a lot today about what I've heard people call "The Gift of Desperation." I'm so grateful there came a time at the end of my drinking when people would hang up the phone when they heard my voice on the other end of the line; that they stopped inviting me over; that they had no more to give because I had used them up. I look back and remember those last days of my drinking and the pain I saw in their eyes, my family, friends, and coworkers, and I never want to see that look again ever in my life. I'm not willing to pay the price. And, yes, I believe there is that moment of clarity every alcoholic has. As long as we're breathing and waking up one more day there's hope. Only a small percentage of us get sober, stay sober, and go on to live happy, useful, and productive lives. When my son left my home here three weeks ago, I immediately asked God to give me the courage, strength, the grace and dignity to get through whatever was going to happen. I think it is at that moment that I let go and got out of the way so God could do for him what I could not. That's probably the scariest thing I've ever done in my life, was to let go and do nothing. I will pray for you and your son.
I am so sorry for the pain you're going through as you watch your son suffer mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually and the helplessness and powerlessness I hear in your posts. The week of 2/18/2019 my son tried overdosing three times. He left my house the Friday before his suicide attempts, and I knew when he drove away that it might be the last time I saw him. He called me from the hospital and told me what he'd done. His next call was asking me could he come here, that he needed help. I told him I couldn't help him but that I had the name of three places that dealt with alcohol and drug addiction and he would have to be the one who made the call. I gave him the numbers and he made the call. Although I'm a recovered alcoholic of 21 years, had I have made the choice for him, he would have blamed me and the treatment center if the 28 days were not successful. He will have completed his 28 days next week sometime. He had to get to the point where he'd lost all hope, the same place I had to get, in order to reach out and say he was out of energy, that he couldn't take the pain anymore. I was where you are less than 30 days ago so I know what you're going through, I really do. He's in a 28 day treatment facility. Talking to him on the phone is like talking to someone I don't even know, and I mean for the better. As mothers, we want to take away the pain that comes with watching them burn their lives to the ground, but we are the ones who are cleaning up their messes, so they stay willing to pay the price of getting evicted, losing their possessions, jobs, homes, cars, etc. When we take away the consequences it's as if they have a free ticket to get high and wasted one more time, and then our actions intensify as they get sicker. We become sicker than they are.
I'm been thinking a lot today about what I've heard people call "The Gift of Desperation." I'm so grateful there came a time at the end of my drinking when people would hang up the phone when they heard my voice on the other end of the line; that they stopped inviting me over; that they had no more to give because I had used them up. I look back and remember those last days of my drinking and the pain I saw in their eyes, my family, friends, and coworkers, and I never want to see that look again ever in my life. I'm not willing to pay the price. And, yes, I believe there is that moment of clarity every alcoholic has. As long as we're breathing and waking up one more day there's hope. Only a small percentage of us get sober, stay sober, and go on to live happy, useful, and productive lives. When my son left my home here three weeks ago, I immediately asked God to give me the courage, strength, the grace and dignity to get through whatever was going to happen. I think it is at that moment that I let go and got out of the way so God could do for him what I could not. That's probably the scariest thing I've ever done in my life, was to let go and do nothing. I will pray for you and your son.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Hummingbird. Just as the addict needs that moment of clarity when they say - enough - and take responsibility for getting sober and healing, you also need a moment of clarity to say - enough.
You can't buy him out of his addiction. You can't talk him out of his addiction or force him out of it.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
It's a terrible predicament to be in and I am truly sorry this is happening to you (and to your family and to him). But it's not fixable by you, unfortunately.
He is not "relapsing" he has never been out of addiction, never truly been in recovery, he is an addict doing what addicts do with a few periods of white-knuckling it.
You can't buy him out of his addiction. You can't talk him out of his addiction or force him out of it.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
It's a terrible predicament to be in and I am truly sorry this is happening to you (and to your family and to him). But it's not fixable by you, unfortunately.
He is not "relapsing" he has never been out of addiction, never truly been in recovery, he is an addict doing what addicts do with a few periods of white-knuckling it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 309
He spoke to my husband tonight. Said he would possibly go back to inpatient but then changed his mind because it looks like he was a failure. Refuses to do sober living. I listened in on the conversation... same angry attitude of doing what he wants. Same whining that he won't have enough money for his rent... same whining that he isn't going to break his lease, etc. He doesn't want to lose his position at work, etc. Said he is so mad at himself for always screwing up every 2 to 3 months. Angry at himself. he is the one who stops going to meetings, stops working the program, etc. He makes those choices. We live 1700 miles apart and I cringe at the thought if he ever asked to move home. He said he had a plan the other night when he took pills and drank whiskey but that failed - he woke up.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
Hummingbird,
I am the sister of someone much like your son. My brother’s addiction has been a constant strain on each relationship within our family for 35 years now. He is currently drinking, and has somehow finagled his way back into my parents’ home.
If only throwing money at the problem would fix it. My parents have thrown countless dollars and sacrificed their own peace in an effort to do the same. I wholeheartedly support your efforts to disengage and let him own his mess. Now that my parents are older, my fear is that the strain will do them in and they won’t have the chance to enjoy the life they have worked to earn. All of their attempts to help have resulted in more of the same.
After countless treatment centers, hospitalizations, counselors, etc. my brother has the tools to be sober. What he lacks is the desire to remain so. Unfortunately, my parents are also at fault as when they continue to try to “help”, all they really do is continue to make his consequences their own.
Best wishes to you. It is heartbreaking to anyone involved.
-bora
I am the sister of someone much like your son. My brother’s addiction has been a constant strain on each relationship within our family for 35 years now. He is currently drinking, and has somehow finagled his way back into my parents’ home.
If only throwing money at the problem would fix it. My parents have thrown countless dollars and sacrificed their own peace in an effort to do the same. I wholeheartedly support your efforts to disengage and let him own his mess. Now that my parents are older, my fear is that the strain will do them in and they won’t have the chance to enjoy the life they have worked to earn. All of their attempts to help have resulted in more of the same.
After countless treatment centers, hospitalizations, counselors, etc. my brother has the tools to be sober. What he lacks is the desire to remain so. Unfortunately, my parents are also at fault as when they continue to try to “help”, all they really do is continue to make his consequences their own.
Best wishes to you. It is heartbreaking to anyone involved.
-bora
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: New England
Posts: 1,224
Originally Posted by djlook
Ma'am.
I am so sorry for the pain you're going through as you watch your son suffer mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually and the helplessness and powerlessness I hear in your posts. The week of 2/18/2019 my son tried overdosing three times. He left my house the Friday before his suicide attempts, and I knew when he drove away that it might be the last time I saw him. He called me from the hospital and told me what he'd done. His next call was asking me could he come here, that he needed help. I told him I couldn't help him but that I had the name of three places that dealt with alcohol and drug addiction and he would have to be the one who made the call. I gave him the numbers and he made the call. Although I'm a recovered alcoholic of 21 years, had I have made the choice for him, he would have blamed me and the treatment center if the 28 days were not successful. He will have completed his 28 days next week sometime. He had to get to the point where he'd lost all hope, the same place I had to get, in order to reach out and say he was out of energy, that he couldn't take the pain anymore. I was where you are less than 30 days ago so I know what you're going through, I really do. He's in a 28 day treatment facility. Talking to him on the phone is like talking to someone I don't even know, and I mean for the better. As mothers, we want to take away the pain that comes with watching them burn their lives to the ground, but we are the ones who are cleaning up their messes, so they stay willing to pay the price of getting evicted, losing their possessions, jobs, homes, cars, etc. When we take away the consequences it's as if they have a free ticket to get high and wasted one more time, and then our actions intensify as they get sicker. We become sicker than they are.
I'm been thinking a lot today about what I've heard people call "The Gift of Desperation." I'm so grateful there came a time at the end of my drinking when people would hang up the phone when they heard my voice on the other end of the line; that they stopped inviting me over; that they had no more to give because I had used them up. I look back and remember those last days of my drinking and the pain I saw in their eyes, my family, friends, and coworkers, and I never want to see that look again ever in my life. I'm not willing to pay the price. And, yes, I believe there is that moment of clarity every alcoholic has. As long as we're breathing and waking up one more day there's hope. Only a small percentage of us get sober, stay sober, and go on to live happy, useful, and productive lives. When my son left my home here three weeks ago, I immediately asked God to give me the courage, strength, the grace and dignity to get through whatever was going to happen. I think it is at that moment that I let go and got out of the way so God could do for him what I could not. That's probably the scariest thing I've ever done in my life, was to let go and do nothing. I will pray for you and your son.
I am so sorry for the pain you're going through as you watch your son suffer mentally, physically, financially, and spiritually and the helplessness and powerlessness I hear in your posts. The week of 2/18/2019 my son tried overdosing three times. He left my house the Friday before his suicide attempts, and I knew when he drove away that it might be the last time I saw him. He called me from the hospital and told me what he'd done. His next call was asking me could he come here, that he needed help. I told him I couldn't help him but that I had the name of three places that dealt with alcohol and drug addiction and he would have to be the one who made the call. I gave him the numbers and he made the call. Although I'm a recovered alcoholic of 21 years, had I have made the choice for him, he would have blamed me and the treatment center if the 28 days were not successful. He will have completed his 28 days next week sometime. He had to get to the point where he'd lost all hope, the same place I had to get, in order to reach out and say he was out of energy, that he couldn't take the pain anymore. I was where you are less than 30 days ago so I know what you're going through, I really do. He's in a 28 day treatment facility. Talking to him on the phone is like talking to someone I don't even know, and I mean for the better. As mothers, we want to take away the pain that comes with watching them burn their lives to the ground, but we are the ones who are cleaning up their messes, so they stay willing to pay the price of getting evicted, losing their possessions, jobs, homes, cars, etc. When we take away the consequences it's as if they have a free ticket to get high and wasted one more time, and then our actions intensify as they get sicker. We become sicker than they are.
I'm been thinking a lot today about what I've heard people call "The Gift of Desperation." I'm so grateful there came a time at the end of my drinking when people would hang up the phone when they heard my voice on the other end of the line; that they stopped inviting me over; that they had no more to give because I had used them up. I look back and remember those last days of my drinking and the pain I saw in their eyes, my family, friends, and coworkers, and I never want to see that look again ever in my life. I'm not willing to pay the price. And, yes, I believe there is that moment of clarity every alcoholic has. As long as we're breathing and waking up one more day there's hope. Only a small percentage of us get sober, stay sober, and go on to live happy, useful, and productive lives. When my son left my home here three weeks ago, I immediately asked God to give me the courage, strength, the grace and dignity to get through whatever was going to happen. I think it is at that moment that I let go and got out of the way so God could do for him what I could not. That's probably the scariest thing I've ever done in my life, was to let go and do nothing. I will pray for you and your son.
DOS: 08-16-2012
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Central Iowa
Posts: 365
"However, the guy was saying that an alcoholic can't do it without medical detox and individualize care to work on the fixing the inner person. Told me that is why there is constant relapse because the chemicals are stored up in ones body after so many years of abuse. As they slowly release,then the cravings start and relapse."
That is one of the greatest lines of BS I've ever read!!! Alcohol is out of your system in 3-5 days. Absolutely completely gone by 10 days at the latest. At that point it's all in your head. Unfortunately your son simply doesn't want to stop taking the actions he's taking. It's that simple. He has to have something bad enough happen that he feels desperate enough that he WANTS to change. Change takes effort and action on his part and that's tough. Continuing to drink in order to forget about his crappy life is easy. I know because I lived in that same house for years!
The only thing you can do is stop helping him and let him work things out on his own. Maybe losing his job and apartment is what it will take for him to change. I say this as someone who lost a job and almost everything else before I found the desperation to stop. I will say a prayer that your son also finds that desperation and decides to actually work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous so he can get his life back on track.
That is one of the greatest lines of BS I've ever read!!! Alcohol is out of your system in 3-5 days. Absolutely completely gone by 10 days at the latest. At that point it's all in your head. Unfortunately your son simply doesn't want to stop taking the actions he's taking. It's that simple. He has to have something bad enough happen that he feels desperate enough that he WANTS to change. Change takes effort and action on his part and that's tough. Continuing to drink in order to forget about his crappy life is easy. I know because I lived in that same house for years!
The only thing you can do is stop helping him and let him work things out on his own. Maybe losing his job and apartment is what it will take for him to change. I say this as someone who lost a job and almost everything else before I found the desperation to stop. I will say a prayer that your son also finds that desperation and decides to actually work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous so he can get his life back on track.
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