Wheresmyunicorn

He says he's checking in in the morning. He's told the kids and everything. I feel more on edge than ever. Am I crazy? I mean this is what I've wanted - no ultimatum, he found the place, set up the spot. I just keep wondering if he's really going and will it work .... No real question i guess, just getting it off my chest

suki44883

It is definitely a step in the right direction. Detox will safely detox him and get all the alcohol out of his system, but what then? Is he amenable to going to rehab? That is where the real work is done. That is where he will learn coping skills to deal with cravings and when triggers cause him to want a drink.

In any case, it is a good thing that he set it all up on his own. While he is taking care of himself, it is a good time for you to take care of yourself, too.

Wheresmyunicorn

Thanks! He says he will start the IOP affiliated with this place once he finishes detox. He couldn't start while still drinking and can't stop anymore, hence the detox. It's just difficult to accept this may actually be happening and still be scared it won't (or that it won't work).

I think we posted at the same time trail mix lol!

trailmix

I agree with Suki that the real work will start in rehab.

You have been hoping that he will stop drinking and you can have some kind of normal happy life with him I take it? That hasn't happened yet. He hasn't even been to detox yet. You can certainly hope for the best (but honestly, I would keep your expectations low).

You might want to read some of wamama's threads, her Husband is currently in recovery:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ercoaster.html (I can't do this emotional rollercoaster)

To read more threads posted by a person just click on their name on the left and then, from the drop down that appears, choose "Find all threads" or "Find more posts"

MindfulMan

I was told that if I just did a detox the chances of recovery are very low without some continued care, preferably inpatient rehab. I can guarantee that had I gone home after 5-10 days I would have been drinking again within a month, if not a day.

Inpatient rehab was life changing, and IOP was even more so. I made the decision to never drink again. It just wasn't worth it. Sober is so much better and drinking is so much worse.

Unfortunately it has little to do with you. All you can do is be supportive, but give yourself enough self care that you don't get sucked down the hole yourself. Oddly enough, there will be an adjustment period for both of you when the elephant in the room goes away or at least drastically changes. Other issues in a relationship can surface, and can no longer be attributed to addiction.

I see it over and over again that spouses are so hugely resentful because they think that the drugs and/or the drinking have something to do with them, that relapses are done to hurt. Again, it has little to nothing to do with you. No spouse can win over an addictive substance. All you can do is hope that you're there when he/she finally gets it and cares enough about their own life to stop, and can do the work to get over the hump to stop long enough to discover how much better sobriety is. THEN it can be about the two of you.

It has nothing to do with selfishness. Addiction is a form of insanity. Behavior is by definition irrational.

Please take care of yourself, but he will mostly make this journey alone.

LovePeaceSushi

Wheresmyunicorn, I was relieved and scared when my AH went to detox. I was relieved that he was going to be safely detoxing and on the right path, but also scared that we were going to pay all this money for him to go right back to drinking at some point after he was out. My fears turned out to be realized when he went on a 2 week bender AFTER the 1 week in-patient detox. (and almost died and ended up in ICU, but that's a different post) I'm happy to say he's back on track and has rededicated himself to the IOP. Today marks 21 days of sobriety. AH is looking forward to getting his 30 day chip. For all the 1 step forwards and 5 steps back, I am beginning to be cautiously optimistic.
I guess that is my phrase for you - "Cautiously Optimistic". Be supportive and happy he is getting help, but don't be surprised if there are a few setbacks along the way. As others have said, don't forget to take care of yourself. ((hugs))

hopeful4

I think it's encouraging he found the place the did the work to get in himself. That's a very real step. It's very normal for you to feel nervous. I think at this point I would cheer him on while still being smart and protecting myself as well.

Wheresmyunicorn

Thanks everyone!

So far, so good. He did actually check in this morning (I assume - I got a text saying they were taking his phone at about the right time at least). I was frankly a little skeptical he would follow through. He said he would stay as long as they recommend and go straight into the IOP. Our insurance is covering at least a large portion of all of this - thank God!

A funny (but sad) little story - I spoke briefly with my youngest's teacher this am since she tends to be affected by things a lot and act out. This teacher also taught my older one last year ... when she had just divorced. Turns out, she offered me the name of her wonderful therapist - she divorced her AH after he refused to seek help. On the one hand it's nice that she understands, on the other it's really sad this is all around us and we don't even really know it.

I will be taking the days as they come "cautiously optimistic" lol!

Wamama48

I think it's completely normal! Something that effects you and your family in a huge way, and now you see some hope for him being on the road to recovery. It is scary. Depending on your boundaries of what you will accept and not accept, there's a whole lot riding on him getting and staying sober.

I'll warn you though, it's a hard, hard ride while they are working on staying sober. Add on tour own recovery too. It takes months before they have the fog clear from their head, before they can handle everyday life. Honestly it's even harder than when they were drinking!

Look at my posts if you are curious to see the ride you're in for. It may not be the same for you, but just to give you a general idea. But if you are choosing to stay in the marriage, it slowly gets better. I'm seeing good things happen for him, and us as a couple. It's just hard, the hardest thing I've ever done. Even harder than losing my mom. But, I think the work is worth it. 😀