I can't do this emotional rollercoaster
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I can't do this emotional rollercoaster
I can't handle this emotional rollercoaster. RAH is nine months into his recovery. Hes working hard, attending meetings, seeing his sponser every week. He said now he has clear headed days more often than foggy headed days.
He's made changes. One being our relationship. The past few months we talk without fighting (huge accomplishment with hard work from both of us) we go out for lunch, I'm trusting him more. We apologize when we're wrong instead of ignoring each other. Little deposits are put into what I call my emotional bank. All good.
As to be expected, he sometimes backsides. He goes back to what he calls his alcoholic "stinkin thinking." He gets unreasonable. As an example, he argued with me when he made plans for us without asking me if I wanted to do what he planned. Then acused me of being in control and him having to ask my permission to do anything.
He later recognized it as stinkin thinkin and told me about it. These days, he says he doesn't want to talk about something and says we will talk about it that night. That night doesn't come, back to where we were when he was drinking. Right now this mindset has stuck.
He had another incident of AV this weekend that had me in tears. It still does days later. I tried to talk about it. He ignored me. He still won't say anything about it, and I'm not bringing it up anymore because it hurts to be shot down and ignored.
So, I just detached from him. I feel like I have to protect myself from him again. I can't look at him, talk to him just enough to get by, I just don't want anything to do with him. He hurts me deeply and I can't trust him to at least be fair and considerate if he can't be an equal partner right now.
He's had periods of time like this where I've been able to weather the storm for a bit. Then he's back to his good changed self. Now that he's back to his drinking self behaviour I just can't handle it emotionally. I've told him and my therapist I'm drained. My emotional bank has two cents in it.
I was supposed to see my therapist today and was looking forward to it. She was sick and couldn't come in. So I have to wait three weeks for my next appointment. I don't know if I'm asking for advice, thoughts on what I've said, or if I'm just venting.
He's made changes. One being our relationship. The past few months we talk without fighting (huge accomplishment with hard work from both of us) we go out for lunch, I'm trusting him more. We apologize when we're wrong instead of ignoring each other. Little deposits are put into what I call my emotional bank. All good.
As to be expected, he sometimes backsides. He goes back to what he calls his alcoholic "stinkin thinking." He gets unreasonable. As an example, he argued with me when he made plans for us without asking me if I wanted to do what he planned. Then acused me of being in control and him having to ask my permission to do anything.
He later recognized it as stinkin thinkin and told me about it. These days, he says he doesn't want to talk about something and says we will talk about it that night. That night doesn't come, back to where we were when he was drinking. Right now this mindset has stuck.
He had another incident of AV this weekend that had me in tears. It still does days later. I tried to talk about it. He ignored me. He still won't say anything about it, and I'm not bringing it up anymore because it hurts to be shot down and ignored.
So, I just detached from him. I feel like I have to protect myself from him again. I can't look at him, talk to him just enough to get by, I just don't want anything to do with him. He hurts me deeply and I can't trust him to at least be fair and considerate if he can't be an equal partner right now.
He's had periods of time like this where I've been able to weather the storm for a bit. Then he's back to his good changed self. Now that he's back to his drinking self behaviour I just can't handle it emotionally. I've told him and my therapist I'm drained. My emotional bank has two cents in it.
I was supposed to see my therapist today and was looking forward to it. She was sick and couldn't come in. So I have to wait three weeks for my next appointment. I don't know if I'm asking for advice, thoughts on what I've said, or if I'm just venting.
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What can you do besides detach? To allow your feelings to be vulnerable to someone who is going to hurt you is asking for trouble. I don't think there is any other solution. It's not ideal, it never will be.
You have probably discussed this with your Husband, what does he make of it? While he can't be responsible for your feelings he can be responsible for treating you with kindness and respect.
You have probably discussed this with your Husband, what does he make of it? While he can't be responsible for your feelings he can be responsible for treating you with kindness and respect.
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Usually this thinking of his would last a few days, he'd recognize it as his "stinking thinking", share it with me, and apologize. Then get out of whatever funk he was in and go back to being attentive and respectful.
The example I shared about making plans for me, he talked to his sponser about it. His sponser called him on it, RAH made a quick turnaround.
So in the recent past, he's recognized what was going on and made a turnaround. I gave no idea what's going on with him. He usually shares that stuff with me, but hasn't and I don't push. So tonight, I'm talking to him. He doesn't have to talk about anything or discuss anything, but I will tell him how I feel and he can just listen.
He can do whatever he wants with it, I'm telling him how I feel and then going to bed. He can run with it and innate a conversation, or get used to a distant relationship for the foreseeable future. I will never let anyone treat me the way I allowed myself to be treated in the past. Even temporarily.
The example I shared about making plans for me, he talked to his sponser about it. His sponser called him on it, RAH made a quick turnaround.
So in the recent past, he's recognized what was going on and made a turnaround. I gave no idea what's going on with him. He usually shares that stuff with me, but hasn't and I don't push. So tonight, I'm talking to him. He doesn't have to talk about anything or discuss anything, but I will tell him how I feel and he can just listen.
He can do whatever he wants with it, I'm telling him how I feel and then going to bed. He can run with it and innate a conversation, or get used to a distant relationship for the foreseeable future. I will never let anyone treat me the way I allowed myself to be treated in the past. Even temporarily.
Originally Posted by trailmix 
What can you do besides detach? To allow your feelings to be vulnerable to someone who is going to hurt you is asking for trouble. I don't think there is any other solution. It's not ideal, it never will be.
You have probably discussed this with your Husband, what does he make of it? While he can't be responsible for your feelings he can be responsible for treating you with kindness and respect.
You have probably discussed this with your Husband, what does he make of it? While he can't be responsible for your feelings he can be responsible for treating you with kindness and respect.
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He's been in the kitchen for two days canning applesauce for the grandkids. He listens to old country while he's in the kitchen. I was in the bedroom putting up new curtains. I hear the music stop, he's looking for a song I assume.
Then I hear a song he's played for me in the past, Till the Rivers All Run Dry by Don Williams. I know he tries, I know he cares, I know this emotional relapse type behavior is to be expected when your learning how to recognize and handle your feelings. He just doesn't understand how I get worn down from having the rug jerked out from under me on a fairly regular basis.
Something to visit with our marriage councelor. Maybe she can shed some light on it for him. I'm usually left banging my head on the table in slow motion when I try. I love him deeply, I love that the man I fell in love with is coming back. But I didn't sign up for any of this. Rant over. For now hahaha!
Then I hear a song he's played for me in the past, Till the Rivers All Run Dry by Don Williams. I know he tries, I know he cares, I know this emotional relapse type behavior is to be expected when your learning how to recognize and handle your feelings. He just doesn't understand how I get worn down from having the rug jerked out from under me on a fairly regular basis.
Something to visit with our marriage councelor. Maybe she can shed some light on it for him. I'm usually left banging my head on the table in slow motion when I try. I love him deeply, I love that the man I fell in love with is coming back. But I didn't sign up for any of this. Rant over. For now hahaha!
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To be frank, Wamama, I think here and now you are more the problem than him. He is just recovering, he doas all he can. This progress is not like switching the light switch on and everything is OK, its like turning the light on by using a dimmer, step by step. That is what he does.
I understand from other threads of yours, its all not that easy for you and you a lot on your plate.
If you don't love him anymore and there is now way back, that is adifferent drummer, but in case of his recovery he is doing fine and with all respect to your overall and historically caused stress by him, I like to point that out and think that has to be acknowledged.
Give the sober person some time to develop. You posted some month ago here on SR, when he was just a couple of weeks in recoevy. Same content, just earlier in the progress. I pointed out, that character, emotional strength, drive and even "personality appeal" that comes with self worth will build up over time. I walked that way of your husband and there is no comparison of my person now than in early recovery.
To me it seems your husband is at a stage of increasing self reflection, which is needed. It builds up. The next step is the ability to permanently steering his own behavior and then figuring out what he wants in his life and then develop drive on it. By then you should have your husband back, if you want him.
I understand from other threads of yours, its all not that easy for you and you a lot on your plate.
If you don't love him anymore and there is now way back, that is adifferent drummer, but in case of his recovery he is doing fine and with all respect to your overall and historically caused stress by him, I like to point that out and think that has to be acknowledged.
Give the sober person some time to develop. You posted some month ago here on SR, when he was just a couple of weeks in recoevy. Same content, just earlier in the progress. I pointed out, that character, emotional strength, drive and even "personality appeal" that comes with self worth will build up over time. I walked that way of your husband and there is no comparison of my person now than in early recovery.
To me it seems your husband is at a stage of increasing self reflection, which is needed. It builds up. The next step is the ability to permanently steering his own behavior and then figuring out what he wants in his life and then develop drive on it. By then you should have your husband back, if you want him.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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I think you need a break from him to just have it all stop for a while. You asked him to move out for a bit before and he refused. Living with a recovering alcoholic is very hard. I'd have wanted my exah to move out for at least a year if we'd have had any chance to stay together if he chosen recovery. He never did and the rest is history but a temporary separation could save things in the long term.
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Hi Joyandhope, welcome to SR. Love your username! I do lots of selfcare now, where in the past I did it if I had time. It's crazy how we fall into all of the chaos and don't notice it. My boys, my dog and I went hunting for mushrooms today, it was fun, relaxing and enjoyable. We found 7 differ types of mushrooms ib 15 min.
I do focus on the positive, he's at 9 months today and working hard. No matter how positive I am though, I still get hurt, frustrated and angry. So I'm just venting. If someone had told me their recovery would be harder on the entire family than when they were actively drinking, I'd have laughed and told them they were crazy. Guess I was the crazy one 😂
I do focus on the positive, he's at 9 months today and working hard. No matter how positive I am though, I still get hurt, frustrated and angry. So I'm just venting. If someone had told me their recovery would be harder on the entire family than when they were actively drinking, I'd have laughed and told them they were crazy. Guess I was the crazy one 😂
Originally Posted by Joyandhope
I'm only new here but it sounds like he is trying to sort things out. Why don't you do something for you? Go and treat yourself, get some space and fresh air and focus on the positives.
Sober since 10th April 2012
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Hi Wamama, is he one of those guys who clam up when they're upset? From raising a boy (i'm from a 4 girl family) I discovered that he isn't as able to express himself as I can, and you really have to pick your time to talk. When he's driving is good because he doesn't have to look at you. You can confine yourself to a simple statement then wait, sometimes for a very long time, for him to start speaking. Don't interrupt. My DS told me he often doesn't want to discuss because he thinks he might cry.
Sorry if this sounds condescending; you know him best. Just thought I'd throw it in the mix.
Sorry if this sounds condescending; you know him best. Just thought I'd throw it in the mix.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
He had another incident of AV this weekend that had me in tears. It still does days later. I tried to talk about it. He ignored me. He still won't say anything about it, and I'm not bringing it up anymore because it hurts to be shot down and ignored.
Usually this thinking of his would last a few days, he'd recognize it as his "stinking thinking", share it with me, and apologize. Then get out of whatever funk he was in and go back to being attentive and respectful.
It sounds like you have a lot of expectations tied to his recovery Wamama. Are they fair and/or reasonable? Expectations keep us attached & needing to keep remembering to detach when they aren't met.... and it's really, really hard to judge someone's progress in recovery. I've seen people hit their head against the same obstacle over & over again stubbornly & others make progress in leaps & bounds.
I realize you haven't shared the details about the AV incident so I could be off base here but was his AV incident about YOU? Or did you take it personally? I realize it can trigger PTSD stuff, but that is a totally separate issue & it's worth examining if you're holding him to harsh standards.
Just food for thought.
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I can handle tough love, and I really do appreciate it. Sometimes there are things you miss in the moment that someone else sees and might need to be mentioned.
I talked to my therapist last time I saw her about what I expect for my own recovery, and what I expect from his. She said my expectations for his are fine, BUT I need to remember it will take a long time, maybe years, for him to work through this. Basically I'm not giving him the timeframe he needs.
The AV incident I don't think I took personally. Maybe you can give me an honest, tough love opinion. Sunday a few family members and I spent 12 hours helping my daughter move 2 hours away from where she lived. Packing up the house, loading, unloading, five hours of driving...the next day I was mentally and physically exhausted. I just wanted a day to hang around the house.
He wanted me to do a 90 min round trip drive to a friend's to pick two crates of apples and get something he needed to finish canning his applesauce. I didn't want to do it, he thought I needed to suck it up because when the apples are ready they have to be processed then. True. But waiting until the next day to do it so I could rest would not going to hurt anything.
He didn't care that I couldn't do it or didn't want to. He was being unreasonable, getting mad, nothing I said could make him see we could do all that the next day!
It doesn't help that we spend a whole lot more time together than a typical couple. Since I do all the driving, and help him at times during the day to find things or do things he can't see to do, we are together too much.
He can spend several hours or a day by himself and be ok, or be away from the house doing his activities, so I often leave to do self care things. Which I do, everyday.
Every few days these incidents happen. He wont see he's being unreasonable until some time later. I have to walk away and stay away from him. It's this up, down rollercoaster. I'm no angel, I don't have a lot of patience for this anymore. I don't have the emotional or mental energy. So these things throw me and exhaust me.
I think I need to be more patient, remind myself this is part of the recovery process, remind myself it has, and will continue to get better. When his anger and actions are directed at me, it hurts and I just don't have much left to deal with it. Im using a lot of energy working my own recovery too.
If you see anywhere where I need to look at myself as part of the problem, I can take it, please tell me.
I talked to my therapist last time I saw her about what I expect for my own recovery, and what I expect from his. She said my expectations for his are fine, BUT I need to remember it will take a long time, maybe years, for him to work through this. Basically I'm not giving him the timeframe he needs.
The AV incident I don't think I took personally. Maybe you can give me an honest, tough love opinion. Sunday a few family members and I spent 12 hours helping my daughter move 2 hours away from where she lived. Packing up the house, loading, unloading, five hours of driving...the next day I was mentally and physically exhausted. I just wanted a day to hang around the house.
He wanted me to do a 90 min round trip drive to a friend's to pick two crates of apples and get something he needed to finish canning his applesauce. I didn't want to do it, he thought I needed to suck it up because when the apples are ready they have to be processed then. True. But waiting until the next day to do it so I could rest would not going to hurt anything.
He didn't care that I couldn't do it or didn't want to. He was being unreasonable, getting mad, nothing I said could make him see we could do all that the next day!
It doesn't help that we spend a whole lot more time together than a typical couple. Since I do all the driving, and help him at times during the day to find things or do things he can't see to do, we are together too much.
He can spend several hours or a day by himself and be ok, or be away from the house doing his activities, so I often leave to do self care things. Which I do, everyday.
Every few days these incidents happen. He wont see he's being unreasonable until some time later. I have to walk away and stay away from him. It's this up, down rollercoaster. I'm no angel, I don't have a lot of patience for this anymore. I don't have the emotional or mental energy. So these things throw me and exhaust me.
I think I need to be more patient, remind myself this is part of the recovery process, remind myself it has, and will continue to get better. When his anger and actions are directed at me, it hurts and I just don't have much left to deal with it. Im using a lot of energy working my own recovery too.
If you see anywhere where I need to look at myself as part of the problem, I can take it, please tell me.
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Yes, my husband does freeze up. Always has. My older son is just like yours lol My younger son has no problem telling anyone how he feels and what he thinks. Love it! you
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Hi Wamama, is he one of those guys who clam up when they're upset? From raising a boy (i'm from a 4 girl family) I discovered that he isn't as able to express himself as I can, and you really have to pick your time to talk. When he's driving is good because he doesn't have to look at you. You can confine yourself to a simple statement then wait, sometimes for a very long time, for him to start speaking. Don't interrupt. My DS told me he often doesn't want to discuss because he thinks he might cry.
Sorry if this sounds condescending; you know him best. Just thought I'd throw it in the mix.
Sorry if this sounds condescending; you know him best. Just thought I'd throw it in the mix.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I think you placed a boundary for you. You will do the apples the next day. When we set boundaries we can't control their reaction. We get too focused on their reaction and it causes us to drop the boundary. Stay focused on your needs.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Calgary, Alberta
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Hi Wamama
I usually lurk here on F&F, more than I post, but I just wanted to share a bit of my experience.
I am a recovering A, sober and in recovery for the past 3 years and 9 1/2 months (really, who's counting
me, that's who!).
At 9 months I was still quite a mess. It took me almost 2 years to really feel, think and act stable.
At around the 2 year mark I started working on my codie recovery. I continue to live with my AH, but through my recovery work, a very happy life has emerged for me.
And, oddly, our way of relating to each other is the best it has ever been in our 25 years together.
I am sharing this to say, that for me, it took a lot longer than 9 months to get here and there were tons of painful missteps on the road.
I usually lurk here on F&F, more than I post, but I just wanted to share a bit of my experience.
I am a recovering A, sober and in recovery for the past 3 years and 9 1/2 months (really, who's counting
me, that's who!).At 9 months I was still quite a mess. It took me almost 2 years to really feel, think and act stable.
At around the 2 year mark I started working on my codie recovery. I continue to live with my AH, but through my recovery work, a very happy life has emerged for me.
And, oddly, our way of relating to each other is the best it has ever been in our 25 years together.
I am sharing this to say, that for me, it took a lot longer than 9 months to get here and there were tons of painful missteps on the road.
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The AV incident I don't think I took personally. Maybe you can give me an honest, tough love opinion. Sunday a few family members and I spent 12 hours helping my daughter move 2 hours away from where she lived. Packing up the house, loading, unloading, five hours of driving...the next day I was mentally and physically exhausted. I just wanted a day to hang around the house.
He wanted me to do a 90 min round trip drive to a friend's to pick two crates of apples and get something he needed to finish canning his applesauce. I didn't want to do it, he thought I needed to suck it up because when the apples are ready they have to be processed then. True. But waiting until the next day to do it so I could rest would not going to hurt anything.
He didn't care that I couldn't do it or didn't want to. He was being unreasonable, getting mad, nothing I said could make him see we could do all that the next day!
i'm sorry, but i fail to see how this is at all related to anyone's Addict Voice (AV)? it sounds like you two DISAGREED on something. period. he wanted to do something NOW, you said NO. he huffed and puffed.
did he THREATEN to drink? was he circling the tequila bottle? how do you see this as an AV moment? are you sure you know what that means for the ADDICT?
He wanted me to do a 90 min round trip drive to a friend's to pick two crates of apples and get something he needed to finish canning his applesauce. I didn't want to do it, he thought I needed to suck it up because when the apples are ready they have to be processed then. True. But waiting until the next day to do it so I could rest would not going to hurt anything.
He didn't care that I couldn't do it or didn't want to. He was being unreasonable, getting mad, nothing I said could make him see we could do all that the next day!
i'm sorry, but i fail to see how this is at all related to anyone's Addict Voice (AV)? it sounds like you two DISAGREED on something. period. he wanted to do something NOW, you said NO. he huffed and puffed.
did he THREATEN to drink? was he circling the tequila bottle? how do you see this as an AV moment? are you sure you know what that means for the ADDICT?
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