nightshade131

I am back on the drink. I wish I could say I wasn't.

My life feels like it's going out of control - and I know the alcohol is making it worse. Stress, panic, hysteria hits me hard, so I drink... to numb life, to blot out what I don't like.

How do I get past this?
How did I get so weak that alcohol controls me? I thought I was strong and in charge of my life.

The shame and guilt of trying to hide it now... there has to be a light ahead that I am just not seeing.

I felt positive a few weeks ago, I said to myself I wouldn't drink - and I didn't for a while. But now I feel like rubbish because I had alcohol. How did it turn so quickly? Why couldn't I jut say 'no' and just feel like a normal person?

FreeOwl

the way that I got past it, was I finally CHOSE to.

I finally got tired enough, scared enough, frustrated enough, desperate enough and end-of-my-rope enough to just CHOOSE SOBRIETY.

Then, I took ACTION in support of that choice every day.... every hour.... sometimes minute-by-minute no matter how much I felt drawn back to drinking.

Near as I can tell - that's the only "How" there is....

You can choose it, too.

Anna

Many of us, me included, used alcohol to self-medicate all the painful emotions in life. Have faith that you can learn to deal with these feelings in healthy ways. You likely won't eliminate anxiety and stress from your life, but you will be able to cope.

TIPS FOR DEALING WITH ANXIETY (the American Assoc for Anxiety & Depression)

Take a Time-Out. Try some yoga, listen to music, meditate, get a massage or learn relaxation techniques. Stepping back from the problem can help clear your head.

Eat well-balanced meals. Do not skip any meals. Keep healthful, energy-boosting snacks on hand. Limit caffeine.

Get enough sleep/rest. Exercise daily to help you feel good and maintain your health. Use an iPod or exercise buddy to help you stick to your routine.

Take deep breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly. Belly-Breathing: Sit comfortably with shoulders, head and neck relaxed. Breath in slowly through your nose so that your stomach expands. Tighten stomach muscles, letting them fall inward as you exhale slowly through your mouth.

Do your best. Instead of aiming for perfection, which isn’t possible, be proud of however close you get.

Accept that you cannot control everything. Put your stress in perspective: Is it really as bad as you think?

Welcome humour. A good laugh goes a long way.

Maintain a positive attitude. Make an effort to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

Get involved. Volunteer or find another way to be active in your community, which creates a support network and gives you a break from everyday stress.

Learn what triggers your anxiety. Is it work, family, school or something else you can’t identify? Write in a journal when you’re feeling stressed. Look for a pattern.

Talk to someone. Tell friends/family you’re feeling overwhelmed and let them know how they can help. Talk to a professional.

Books

Amen, Daniel Change Your Brain, Change Your Life
Bassett, Lucinda From Panic to Power
Burns, David MD When Panic Attacks
Chodron, Pema The Places that Scare You
Doidge, Norman MD The Brain that Changes Itself
Dyer, Wayne Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life
Orsilla, Ken Mindful Way Through Anxiety

gettingsmarter

Don't forget that alcohol may seem like a quick fix but it makes anxiety much much worse in the long run.

Hevyn

Nightshade - You did a good thing by coming here. We all understand what you're going through. You never have to feel alone with the pain & confusion. Everything will get better when you have some sober time behind you. Stay with us & keep posting. We care about you - and we know you can get free.

least

I was the same. Vowing not to drink, then drinking again. I had to get to the point where I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink. I'm applying the same principle to quitting smoking. I want to be a non smoker more than I want to smoke.

DontRemember

This was me too. My life on the outside looked 'normal'. On the inside I was tearing myself apart trying to hold it all together and still put on the facade of 'normal'. Finally I just gave up and let the chips fall where they may. I'm way happier now and can handle lifes problems without running for a drink to 'cope'/hide.

BlueMegaFool

I started using alcohol to numb feelings I did not like when I was 13. It has been my go to coping mechanism ever since. Even now I know I can turn to alcohol and for a moment not feel. A part of recovery is learning new coping skills. It's hard at first. I have been in situations recently where I recognized I did not like my thoughts and feelings and new that was when I would normally blast them out with some rum. I only have 90 days today but it is getting easier every time I choose not to numb. The thoughts and feelings pass.

There are a lot of programs like AA or whatever that help. It is a process we have to work at. Recognition is the first step. Know that you are in a place where you normally turn to alcohol and pause for a moment and look for other ways to get through it. That is all alcohol is when we use it to numb. It is a tool that at first appears to work. It's time for you to find new tools.

nightshade131

Thank you ALL for all your replies....
I don't feel alone anymore.
I mean, that's what I am doing by admitting it... the secret drinking, feeling the lowest, trying to hide it and then pretend I have a 'life'. It's hard work - very hard work.
But it's also the loneliest feeling.

nightshade131

How much lower do I have to get before I can make it better?

DontRemember

You can make it better when you choose to. I know how hard it seems,but the easiest thing to do is not pick up that first drink/drug. That's really how simple it is. When I was wrapped up in the endless cycle it seemed way "too complicated,so have a drink/drug." BUT..the reality(that we try to hide from) is that simple. There's probably some underlieing issues you'll need to work through(AA,therapy,here,ect.) and court ordered AA got me on the track to that,but at the end of the day it's just DON'T USE NO MATTER WHAT.

Ladysadie

Me too Nightshade. I'm walking with you on this path only you can't see me but we are very much alike. Take deep breaths and vow for now that you will get through your moment where you wish for a drink (that bastard the AV- alcoholic voice) and venture on without it. Hard = yes. Doable = yes. Reroute your thinking with distraction. Some people like working out, others like binging on Netflix or some such notion. Good luck to you and keep posting. We all were there, we do care. Hugs to you my dear.

Dee74

Its a myth that people have to hit bottom before they get help and turn things around.

You can get off the down elevator any time you like.

Get some help for your anxiety, build a support network and use it, do something for your recovery every day, make changes in your life to reflect your desire to be sober. ...

Being in recovery is a lot more than just trying not to drink

Have a recovery action plan drawn up and ready for those times you find yourself in trouble.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)

you can do this

D

blueberry2015

Surrender. Alcohol is controlling you, when you surrender to that fact you have a good chance of getting and staying sober. Reach out for help and support as your life depends on it.

nightshade131

I wish I could reply to you all personally....there are so many things that have hit me on what all of you have said.
and I don't feel alone....
THANK YOU ALL
x

Next step... not a clue

nightshade131

Just a quick update... I have joined the 24hr recovery thread. So far so good



xx

Berrybean

No lower. It's just a decision, and finding the willingness to do what you need to do to work on your recovery so that sobriety can become sustainable, comfortable, and eventually preferable to drinking.

Maybe it's time to do some work on your recovery plan? If so, there are some great ideas on this forum. Dees threads would be a good start...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-plans-1.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

BB

mistory5

I can totally relate, you sound like me. Im back at day 1after about 2 weeks clean from alcohol. This merry go round of stopping and starting is so tiring, depressing and causes me major anxiety. I have been thinking i need a longterm inpatient to just get a good run of no alcohol in my body. However, I have a son Im worried about leaving if i go to rehab. But , I also know being on this alcoholic merry go round is not allowing me to be there for him in the right way. Thanks for posting about your struggle, after reading it and the responses have helped me also. I have the courage to let the SR community know im back at day 1. I must tell someone where I am, I have to be honest with someone else and myself. I have to be honest that the worst thing about this on and off thing is my hope for complete lifetime recovery diminishes. Also the lost of time of being productive. I lost a whole week this time. I missed appointments, things i needed to do to help my son go to college, paying bills on time, talking to people on Facebook and saying stupid ****....the list goes on and on.

nightshade131

Thanks BerryBean, I have looked at Dees recovery plans - they are very helpful, it's one thing I will be doing tomorrow in preparation for a very busy working week

Mistory, I am humbled that my post helped you. I have no illusions about my journey and am sure there will be tough days. However, coming here and being honest about my drinking has helped so much. Not being judged and getting support is invaluable! Well done for stopping and thank you especially for your post xx

Rar

How are you doing Nightshade?