HardLessons

So after a year of not seeing her & many months of not speaking with her that came to an end last Wednesday night.

I had hoped during our time apart that things would be ok with her & her life. During the time apart I knew nothing of her life.

Well today things with her are one big giant mess. Its not just one thing its pretty much everything. Such a mess that she couldn't even explain it in any way that makes sense. I asked few questions.

She had legal papers & asked me to read them. I wanted to see her to see what condition she was in. I saw her for about 30 minutes on Thursday night after work. She didn't look good at all. She didn't look healthy. She looked similar to how she looked when I first met her years ago.

Addiction is extremely destructive. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I figured this day would come. Unfortunately its not a happy reunion. Its not a good news event. I'm thankful though she is still alive.

OpheliaKatz

HL, I'm so sorry about this. You can't do anything about her choices, unfortunately. This is what she's decided to do... not make changes. I realize that it's hard for an addict to make changes, but the problem is that they have to want it. So what are you going to do for you to look after yourself? This must have been a very stressful event for you and you must be thinking about it. What can you do to be at peace with the situation?

tomsteve

addiction destroys.
what are your plans from here, HL?

HardLessons

Hi Ophelia

Yes Ophelia you are absolutely correct. She made these choices in her own life. None of them are my choices. She's obviously continuing to make bad choices.

I didn't ask many questions of her. As I listened to the mess. I was not judgmental. I didn't criticize her. I didn't get angry. It's such a mess and confusion that its hard to comprehend it.

The only words of substance I said to her was "this is your life you keep making the same choices over & over & over. You always get the same result - a giant mess" Her response was something like I know.

This was not easy for me to hear. Certainly today I am way more prepared than I was before.

For me its more emotional then stressful if that makes any sense. It didn't blow my mind. I knew based on her past that chances were slim she would be living an ok life. So none of it was a surprise to me.

I think because her & I were apart for a year, unlike before where our lives were deeply entwined, our lives are very separate now. My life is ok & separate from hers. Her life is not ok & separate from mine.

Peace with the situation? Seeing someone you love & care about going down the tubes. Hard to find peace.

I offered up no solutions. I did give her advice on her legal papers. I did get a chance to tell her in person that I still love her.

HardLessons

Hi tomsteve

Short answer I don't know. She is on the brink of a major disaster not me. She is under a lot of stress not me.

Yesterday (Friday) we only spoke a bit by text. She didn't mention the problems. Neither did I.

I don't know if I will hear from her today. I'm just going to let it sit where it is.

OpheliaKatz

The hardest thing to do is to accept that this is what they are doing with their lives... that they alone can change it, and that they don't change it.

wiscsober

HL- very rational thinking and actions on your part. Sounds like you already have plans and know what to do....that you already had a plan did what you had to do. My best to you, Gregory

HardLessons

Yes Ophelia its very difficult to understand how they can live like that years on end.

HardLessons

Hi wiscsober

Thanks for your kind words. I've been dealing with her for a long time. So at this point I know the drill so to speak.

I still don't see myself as knowing what to do with her. But I feel better prepared than even before. I know at this point this is her battle & not mine.

Thanks again for your kind words.

tomsteve

HL, when i was in active addiction/alcoholism i couldnt even understand why/how i existed that way. eventually i stopped contemplating the why of it all and just did it.
after i got clean/sober i read quite a bit about it. however, the simplest answer i found was:
its what active addiction/alcoholism does.
best set of lyrics to a song i know that describes it:

I'm sick and tired of your excuses
Can't deal with living anymore
I'll give you reasons to continue
While you lie writhing on the floor
I'll wash away your lies
And have you hypnotized
There'll be no compromise today
I'll share your life of shame
I think you know my name
I'll introduce myself today
I'm the demon alcohol
Demon alcohol
I'll get you
If you could deal with your reflection
I'm sure you'd see into my eyes
There'll be no need for resurrection
Let's drink to people of the lies
Although that one's too much
You know ten's not enough
There'll be no compromise today
I'll watch you lose control
Consume your very soul
I'll introduce myself today
I'm the demon alcohol
Demon alcohol
Ha ha
Demon alcohol
Demon alcohol, let's party

tomsteve

ok, i lied: another set of lyrics that tells the addict side:

End of passion play, crumbling away
I’m your source of self-destruction
Veins that pump with fear, sucking darkest clear
Leading on your death’s construction
Taste me you will see
More is all you need
You’re dedicated to
How I’m killing you

Come crawling faster
Obey your master
Your life burns faster
Obey your master
Master

Master of puppets I’m pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can’t see a thing
Just call my name, ‘cause I’ll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, ‘cause I’ll hear you scream
Master
Master

Needlework the way, never you betray
Life of death becoming clearer
Pain monopoly, ritual misery
Chop your breakfast on a mirror
Taste me you will see
More is all you need
You’re dedicated to
How I’m killing you

Come crawling faster
Obey your master
Your life burns faster
Obey your master
Master

Master of puppets I’m pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can’t see a thing
Just call my name, ‘cause I’ll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, ‘cause I’ll hear you scream
Master
Master

Master, master
Where’s the dreams that I’ve been after?
Master, master
You promised only lies
Laughter, laughter
All I hear or see is laughter
Laughter, laughter
Laughing at my cries

Fix me

Hell is worth all that, natural habitat
Just a rhyme without a reason
Never-ending maze, drift on numbered days
Now your life is out of season
I will occupy
I will help you die
I will run through you
Now I rule you too

Come crawling faster
Obey your master
Your life burns faster
Obey your master
Master

Master of puppets I’m pulling your strings
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams
Blinded by me, you can’t see a thing
Just call my name, ‘cause I’ll hear you scream
Master
Master
Just call my name, ‘cause I’ll hear you scream
Master
Master

HardLessons

Yes tomsteve her life is filled with many demons alcohol being just one of several.

When I saw her Thursday night I expected to smell alcohol on her breath but I don't think I did. It was usually common she normally wreaked of it.

However, It was about 7:30 pm & getting dark out with overcast skies. Her pupils were pinned. Tragic.

AnvilheadII

so - you two spoke wednesday, met on thursday, texted on friday, and you are wondering if you will hear from her today. things are not going well for her (ha, surprise!) and she reaches out.......to you. as you said, just like when you two first met..........

this is one manipulative little con artist, watch for that tug at the side of your mouth when she sets the hook.........

HardLessons

Hi Anvilhead

For months now I have been reading your posts on SR. Posting your comments to other people. I always pay close attention to your posts.

It has been a while now since one of your posts has been directed towards me.
So I am paying close attention.

Yes its no surprise concerning the big mess she has made. And as we both know (you & I) its no surprise she contacted me.

That hook was set long ago. I cut the line a year ago but the hook is still there.

I think I have my wits about me. I don't feel any pressure coming from inside of me to jump in & rescue. Its a big mess & you name it (name the problem) & its a major problem right now. I don't think I could straighten it out even if I wanted too.

I'm listening that's why I posted. If I wasn't listening I wouldn't have posted.

Thanks

PS I haven't heard from her yet today.

Katiekate

She is suffering the consequences of her actions, you don't have to suffer them with her. I got so tired of suffering when I didn't have to.

HardLessons

Hi Katiekate

Yes she is undoubtedly suffering now from her own actions. I could see the stress on her face. She is living life on the edge

I don’t feel now under stress. But I would also be lying if I said. I’m not feeling. Strangely. I can quite describe how I feel

Still haven’t heard anything from her today.

tomsteve

HL, if you want to keep them wits, you may want to block her number. i reads like ya feel confident in keeping distant, but sayin,
That hook was set long ago. I cut the line a year ago but the hook is still there .
has me thinkin you may find a way to allow the the line to be tied back to the hook.
which contact could very well cause that.

PuzzledHeart

I'm curious, what was the motivation for keeping an active line of communication? It still seems to be a variation of having you at her her beck and call.

Was it for her daughter?

Did you hope that she would be in better shape so you could get together with her again?

Like Anvilhead, I'm concerned this might turn into a "I can handle just one drink" scenario, but in this case, the drink is her.

HardLessons

Tomsteve

I think you know from our numerous conversations just how much I respect your opinion

I’m not confident in myself at all when it comes to dealing with her. So I am not fooling myself there

I don’t want that line or be on her hook

Thanks

HardLessons

PuzzledHeart

You asked some good questions

There has been no active line of communication line open between her & I. It’s been a long time since I last saw or spoke to her

She called me from the daughters phone. I never blocked the daughter. I thought the daughter was calling me due to an emergency

It didn’t take long into the call to know that she was in deep sh@t. Major league bad The magnitude of it. Most certainly effects the daughter. My concern now is in part for the daughter. I’ve always been concerned for her

I’ve always hoped her life would be in better or good shape. Since I’ve met her I’ve wanted a better life for her. I’ve wanted that for her sake not so much mine

I know I can’t handle one drink.

This was bad. She has a lot of bad going on now She didn’t even look good. There was nothing attractive about any of it

I understand what you wrote. &. Appreciate your comments