Understanding and accepting myself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 2
Understanding and accepting myself
For the longest time I thought of myself as the most honest - not in denial - person. In all aspects, not just drinking. Well... I’m having a very hard time right now recognizing me in the mirror and owning my thoughts. I have been a “on and off” drunk for 20 years now, I’m 36. In those 20 years I’ve gone from complete party animal to life threatening hallucinating DT drunk who lost everything to an “under control” functioning drunk. After loosing all and feeling the rock bottom, anything slightly positive that followed felt like a miracle. I can’t help but blame this feeling, because since then I’ve been on a major denial about everything, back then I didn’t care about who knew about my drinking, what I looked liked, what life was. Since the misery, I’ve mastered to appear “perfect”, in ALL ways. I work out, everyone envies my looks, people at work praise me, I make more money than I deserve, I have the perfect family, my husband adores me, I even managed to carry the most beautiful baby. Yet...I’m still that miserable drunk... I go into the deep end a lot with myself where I keep honest deep to myself and remember what a f**ing mess I am, it’s like a sicko way to remind me that I am a f** up just so I don’t forget, but my surface stays wrinkle free. I can’t describe the feeling, it’s almost like I want to scream at everyone who thinks that I’ve never even had a shot or been in jail, they cover their mouthes when they cuss around me..wtf! I’ve had glimpses of sobriety, which were wonderful, I would go months without drinking: getting ready for a marathon and run it fast competing with myself, my career high, my pregnancy, nursing... And then I’d relapse sitting in my closet, drinking away, just to put on the front of “perfect” on yet again after. I’m afraid to break the shell and even admit to my hubby how bad I am, he knows I have s drinking problem... he forgives my blackouts... he doesn’t know the full extent of how much I drank though, I am a pro at closet drinking, and I’ve mastered a lot of excuses! My boss..he has no clue! I am a top performer, yet again, I made it so I can outdo myself and be on a pedestal where my work is invaluable so any call offs are forgiven. My problem is also that I don’t believe that I am that bad but I KNOW that I am. I want to go to A.A., which I’ve done in the past, 10 yrs ago or so, but again I feel like if I walk in the room and talk I will get an eye roll since my life is not bad and has nothing on those who are truly at their bottom. I don’t even know how to call this type of denial. I need help. I feel very alone in this feeling. It was Easter and I wanted so bad to stay sober, but like a programmed zombie here I drove to the liquor store.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,576
Hi and welcome PegisLegis
I think most of us can identify with wearing a mask, or presenting one life to the world while living another.
I remember thinking how nobody knew the real me or the depths of my addiction or my despair. I felt like a fraud and an imposter every day.
The pressure of maintaining the facade was pulverising.
Thankfully the people here understood that and they helped me turn things round.
I've been sober almost 11 years now.
I'm a little less perfect to the eyes of the world these days but a lot more authentic and a million times happier.
You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here.
I'm really glad you found us
D
I think most of us can identify with wearing a mask, or presenting one life to the world while living another.
I remember thinking how nobody knew the real me or the depths of my addiction or my despair. I felt like a fraud and an imposter every day.
The pressure of maintaining the facade was pulverising.
Thankfully the people here understood that and they helped me turn things round.
I've been sober almost 11 years now.
I'm a little less perfect to the eyes of the world these days but a lot more authentic and a million times happier.
You'll find a lot of support and encouragement here.
I'm really glad you found us
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Hugs to you.
Honestly, there will be NO eyerolls. It's not a competition for who can destroy their life most effectively! They'll just be glad you came in while there are still some "yet"s left (as in "I haven't done x, y or z YET".)
When I arrived in AA I had little hope and no love or respect for myself. The poeple there supplied me with all three of those things until I was capable of them for myself. Please go. Let them help you as they helped me and continue to do.
BB
Honestly, there will be NO eyerolls. It's not a competition for who can destroy their life most effectively! They'll just be glad you came in while there are still some "yet"s left (as in "I haven't done x, y or z YET".)
When I arrived in AA I had little hope and no love or respect for myself. The poeple there supplied me with all three of those things until I was capable of them for myself. Please go. Let them help you as they helped me and continue to do.
BB
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Hi PegisLegis! Welcome to SR!
If you came on this forum and called me a f**up and a f**ing mess the moderators would definitely give you a warning about being kind and supportive to the other members here.
You should consider treating yourself with the same kindness and respect.
I tried to hate myself into a happy sober life for decades. It never worked. That boot of self-loathing I applied to my neck every morning just kept my head in the mud. Treating myself like a friend who needed help produced much better results.
Best of Luck on Your Journey.
Originally Posted by PegisLegis 
I keep honest deep to myself and remember what a f**ing mess I am, it’s like a sicko way to remind me that I am a f** up just so I don’t forget
You should consider treating yourself with the same kindness and respect.
I tried to hate myself into a happy sober life for decades. It never worked. That boot of self-loathing I applied to my neck every morning just kept my head in the mud. Treating myself like a friend who needed help produced much better results.
Best of Luck on Your Journey.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,615
Rock bottom is a misunderstood idea. I have seen alcs that have lost everything still fighting to get their own way, refusing to give up on beating alcohol, trying to the end. They die tryng to prove they can manage.
I have seen others hit bottom while, apparently, their external circumstances are quite good. I was somewhere in the middle I think.
Hitting bottom is not about losing everything. It is really about recognising that self reliance isn't working for us, and turning to our creator for help. It is about surrender, defeat, being willing to do anything to recover, without reservation.
No one in AA is going to roll their eyes at you. We will be happy to have another companion on the road to recovery, all the better if you didn't have to lose everything. Imagine what a powerful example you could be that it is possible to hit bottom without going to the bottom. Your story could save lives.
I have seen others hit bottom while, apparently, their external circumstances are quite good. I was somewhere in the middle I think.
Hitting bottom is not about losing everything. It is really about recognising that self reliance isn't working for us, and turning to our creator for help. It is about surrender, defeat, being willing to do anything to recover, without reservation.
No one in AA is going to roll their eyes at you. We will be happy to have another companion on the road to recovery, all the better if you didn't have to lose everything. Imagine what a powerful example you could be that it is possible to hit bottom without going to the bottom. Your story could save lives.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Hi Pegis,
Welcome - you're in the right place! I'm glad that you're reaching out. I know the feeling you're describing, it's a little like holding your thumb in a hole in a dike, knowing that if you take one step away from where you are, it's only a matter of time before you drown.
Your post brings to mind two things:
1. Perfectionism is another way of isolating. We alcoholics are capable of going "all-in" in so many ways ( a few of which you listed) - we over achieve to cover up/atone for our flaws. At its core isolation is about not wanting to be seen as our true selves for fear that we will not be accepted.
2. AA's first step speaks to "admitting we are powerless over alcohol" but it doesn't say to whom we need to admit. Personally, it wasn't the guy at the ABC store, my co-workers, my neighbors, or the guy who collected my recycling... they all knew. I had to admit to myself... and accept it. That doesn't happen overnight, and it sure isn't easy, but it's absolutely necessary to get sober. Until I accepted (ultimately without judgment, but initially with shame) that I was and always will be an alcoholic, I couldn't on a daily basis do what I needed to do to stay sober for today.
My first sponsor told me "Don't ever forget your last drink, or chances are you haven't had it yet." He was there when I needed to vent, and walked me through the 12 steps. I am so very grateful for Mike C in Greensboro, in no small way he saved my life.
I never intended to join AA, even after going to rehab. It seemed so foreign, and having to sit in those rooms sometimes made me feel broken, but those rooms also contained people like me, who somehow got their lives back, and seemed happy, joyous, and free. I wanted that enough to stick around, one hour at a time, and listen to what they had to say. Eventually, I became willing to do what they suggested, and slowly but surely my life began to improve.
I believe we were put on this earth to do two things: to grow and to serve. Alcohol rendered me incapable of either. Until I accepted that I was an alcoholic, I was a slave to it.
My last drink was December 20, 2009. At the time, that was the worst day of my life; in retrospect, it was the beginning of a life I didn't even know existed.
Good luck, Pegis. It's always darkest before dawn.
Welcome - you're in the right place! I'm glad that you're reaching out. I know the feeling you're describing, it's a little like holding your thumb in a hole in a dike, knowing that if you take one step away from where you are, it's only a matter of time before you drown.
Your post brings to mind two things:
1. Perfectionism is another way of isolating. We alcoholics are capable of going "all-in" in so many ways ( a few of which you listed) - we over achieve to cover up/atone for our flaws. At its core isolation is about not wanting to be seen as our true selves for fear that we will not be accepted.
2. AA's first step speaks to "admitting we are powerless over alcohol" but it doesn't say to whom we need to admit. Personally, it wasn't the guy at the ABC store, my co-workers, my neighbors, or the guy who collected my recycling... they all knew. I had to admit to myself... and accept it. That doesn't happen overnight, and it sure isn't easy, but it's absolutely necessary to get sober. Until I accepted (ultimately without judgment, but initially with shame) that I was and always will be an alcoholic, I couldn't on a daily basis do what I needed to do to stay sober for today.
My first sponsor told me "Don't ever forget your last drink, or chances are you haven't had it yet." He was there when I needed to vent, and walked me through the 12 steps. I am so very grateful for Mike C in Greensboro, in no small way he saved my life.
I never intended to join AA, even after going to rehab. It seemed so foreign, and having to sit in those rooms sometimes made me feel broken, but those rooms also contained people like me, who somehow got their lives back, and seemed happy, joyous, and free. I wanted that enough to stick around, one hour at a time, and listen to what they had to say. Eventually, I became willing to do what they suggested, and slowly but surely my life began to improve.
I believe we were put on this earth to do two things: to grow and to serve. Alcohol rendered me incapable of either. Until I accepted that I was an alcoholic, I was a slave to it.
My last drink was December 20, 2009. At the time, that was the worst day of my life; in retrospect, it was the beginning of a life I didn't even know existed.
Good luck, Pegis. It's always darkest before dawn.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 2
Thank you, all. I do need to hear this. I know that A.A. is very accepting, and I probably exaggerated by saying that I will get an eye roll. I guess I just meant that on the surface things seem okay, and my anxiety of taking that first step of walking in the room is eating me alive, my voice inside tells me that if I just stick it out suffering at home for the first 24 hours my life will be back on track, I’ll be back in my imaginary world where “I don’t drink”. I am also afraid if my husband will judge if I actually put a label of an “alcoholic” on myself by going to meetings. He knows I’ve gone before, in my past life, that life is very dark to him. My ex before him instoduced me to A.A., and to curing hangovers with another drink, and to insanity, this person passed away, from alcohol and pill abuse after I finally left him. Guilt of that being my fault has not escaped me. I left him to be sober - he died - here I am drinking again! This thought suffocates me. To go a meeting is like opening this very painful wound that I so carefully keep patching up with booze. To make things worse is that now after my long stretch of pregnancy and nursing, anytime I drink I black out, doesn’t matter if 2 or 20 drinks, I have got no clue about what I said. I lay here with almost 24 hours and I read all of the posts. I am beyond grateful that I found this site. I need to hear stories of both downs and ups. I’ve read the big book up and down, I know each one of them by heart. From my dear ex I have a “one day at a time” calendar pocket book, I read it. I feel betrayal to all this that I do because I keep thinking that I’ll be fine to just have a drink or two! It’s like I’ve mastered the process of misery. I have a ton of texts, emails, notes to myself and to God promising that this is it, I keep having a new sober date, it’s all a Groundhog Day. I fight and win big battles with so many other difficult acpects of life, but this one has the simplest rule - just don’t drink, no other rule - yet unmanageable. Guilt over my weakness kills me. Thank you for taking the time to read, I will take it an hour at a time for now and will research my local A.A. groups and maybe find the strength to go. Working, being a mother and a wife, and mastering drinking is a whirlpool. I want more than anything to take the drinking out of it. I want to achieve TRUE self love and not the fake facade that I’ve created. My son and husband deserve it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
something to think aboutpegas:
To go a meeting is like opening this very painful wound that I so carefully keep patching up with booze.
going to a meeting would open a wound,yet using alcohol to cover that wound to TRY and make it feel the wound wasnt there.
hope you can get some courage to start attending meetings and work the program.
whats he worst that could occur?
i think you know what could happen if you dont check it out.
the wounds can heal for you,too
youre worth it so go for it.
i had a jillion things i used alcohol to try and make go away- i never was successful at getting rid of being responsible for the death of another human while i was drunk. i used alcohol for about 13 more years to try and make it disappear ,change,or go away with no success. i never realized through those years that if alcohol truly worked, i wouldnt have had to keep repeating it.
the i walked into AA- wanting to change,ready for help, and willing to go to any lengths.
i wanted freedom from the memries and self hate!
i did experience discomfort and hurt with my feelings for a while. its a bit common with healing and didnt last forever. i was learning about myself through that discomfort.
eventualy i was able to experience every promise of the program in me and my life, the greatest being i became comfortable in my own skin.
To go a meeting is like opening this very painful wound that I so carefully keep patching up with booze.
going to a meeting would open a wound,yet using alcohol to cover that wound to TRY and make it feel the wound wasnt there.
hope you can get some courage to start attending meetings and work the program.
whats he worst that could occur?
i think you know what could happen if you dont check it out.
the wounds can heal for you,too
youre worth it so go for it.
i had a jillion things i used alcohol to try and make go away- i never was successful at getting rid of being responsible for the death of another human while i was drunk. i used alcohol for about 13 more years to try and make it disappear ,change,or go away with no success. i never realized through those years that if alcohol truly worked, i wouldnt have had to keep repeating it.
the i walked into AA- wanting to change,ready for help, and willing to go to any lengths.
i wanted freedom from the memries and self hate!
i did experience discomfort and hurt with my feelings for a while. its a bit common with healing and didnt last forever. i was learning about myself through that discomfort.
eventualy i was able to experience every promise of the program in me and my life, the greatest being i became comfortable in my own skin.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
