Thank you, all. I do need to hear this. I know that A.A. is very accepting, and I probably exaggerated by saying that I will get an eye roll. I guess I just meant that on the surface things seem okay, and my anxiety of taking that first step of walking in the room is eating me alive, my voice inside tells me that if I just stick it out suffering at home for the first 24 hours my life will be back on track, I’ll be back in my imaginary world where “I don’t drink”. I am also afraid if my husband will judge if I actually put a label of an “alcoholic” on myself by going to meetings. He knows I’ve gone before, in my past life, that life is very dark to him. My ex before him instoduced me to A.A., and to curing hangovers with another drink, and to insanity, this person passed away, from alcohol and pill abuse after I finally left him. Guilt of that being my fault has not escaped me. I left him to be sober - he died - here I am drinking again! This thought suffocates me. To go a meeting is like opening this very painful wound that I so carefully keep patching up with booze. To make things worse is that now after my long stretch of pregnancy and nursing, anytime I drink I black out, doesn’t matter if 2 or 20 drinks, I have got no clue about what I said. I lay here with almost 24 hours and I read all of the posts. I am beyond grateful that I found this site. I need to hear stories of both downs and ups. I’ve read the big book up and down, I know each one of them by heart. From my dear ex I have a “one day at a time” calendar pocket book, I read it. I feel betrayal to all this that I do because I keep thinking that I’ll be fine to just have a drink or two! It’s like I’ve mastered the process of misery. I have a ton of texts, emails, notes to myself and to God promising that this is it, I keep having a new sober date, it’s all a Groundhog Day. I fight and win big battles with so many other difficult acpects of life, but this one has the simplest rule - just don’t drink, no other rule - yet unmanageable. Guilt over my weakness kills me. Thank you for taking the time to read, I will take it an hour at a time for now and will research my local A.A. groups and maybe find the strength to go. Working, being a mother and a wife, and mastering drinking is a whirlpool. I want more than anything to take the drinking out of it. I want to achieve TRUE self love and not the fake facade that I’ve created. My son and husband deserve it.