Hi Pegis,
Welcome - you're in the right place! I'm glad that you're reaching out. I know the feeling you're describing, it's a little like holding your thumb in a hole in a dike, knowing that if you take one step away from where you are, it's only a matter of time before you drown.
Your post brings to mind two things:
1. Perfectionism is another way of isolating. We alcoholics are capable of going "all-in" in so many ways ( a few of which you listed) - we over achieve to cover up/atone for our flaws. At its core isolation is about not wanting to be seen as our true selves for fear that we will not be accepted.
2. AA's first step speaks to "admitting we are powerless over alcohol" but it doesn't say to whom we need to admit. Personally, it wasn't the guy at the ABC store, my co-workers, my neighbors, or the guy who collected my recycling... they all knew. I had to admit to myself... and accept it. That doesn't happen overnight, and it sure isn't easy, but it's absolutely necessary to get sober. Until I accepted (ultimately without judgment, but initially with shame) that I was and always will be an alcoholic, I couldn't on a daily basis do what I needed to do to stay sober for today.
My first sponsor told me "Don't ever forget your last drink, or chances are you haven't had it yet." He was there when I needed to vent, and walked me through the 12 steps. I am so very grateful for Mike C in Greensboro, in no small way he saved my life.
I never intended to join AA, even after going to rehab. It seemed so foreign, and having to sit in those rooms sometimes made me feel broken, but those rooms also contained people like me, who somehow got their lives back, and seemed happy, joyous, and free. I wanted that enough to stick around, one hour at a time, and listen to what they had to say. Eventually, I became willing to do what they suggested, and slowly but surely my life began to improve.
I believe we were put on this earth to do two things: to grow and to serve. Alcohol rendered me incapable of either. Until I accepted that I was an alcoholic, I was a slave to it.
My last drink was December 20, 2009. At the time, that was the worst day of my life; in retrospect, it was the beginning of a life I didn't even know existed.
Good luck, Pegis. It's always darkest before dawn.