Calling the Moms!
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Calling the Moms!
Ok you lovely ladies, I need some help!
I have a situation. My child is 18, and is super sensitive. She is lovely, and works out daily. She pushes herself in life with grades, working out, etc. She is an intense person is what I will say. She does not have many positive men roles in her life.
That being said, my brother in law is a complete clown and is one of those people who is always trying to get a rise out of someone. Over the weekend, he said to my daughter that it looks like her legs are getting chunky. Ugh. Yes, it was COMPLETELY insensitive and jerky to say. That being said, she has made a HUGE deal about it. I mean huge. She even got upset with me saying that I did not stick up for her (I did not even know it happened until after the fact).
Basically, I see why she is hurt, however, I also know she has known him her entire life and knows he does crap like this. I am in a situation with this because he is due to be at my home later this week.
Input? Be kind please.
I have a situation. My child is 18, and is super sensitive. She is lovely, and works out daily. She pushes herself in life with grades, working out, etc. She is an intense person is what I will say. She does not have many positive men roles in her life.
That being said, my brother in law is a complete clown and is one of those people who is always trying to get a rise out of someone. Over the weekend, he said to my daughter that it looks like her legs are getting chunky. Ugh. Yes, it was COMPLETELY insensitive and jerky to say. That being said, she has made a HUGE deal about it. I mean huge. She even got upset with me saying that I did not stick up for her (I did not even know it happened until after the fact).
Basically, I see why she is hurt, however, I also know she has known him her entire life and knows he does crap like this. I am in a situation with this because he is due to be at my home later this week.
Input? Be kind please.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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hopeful4......If it were me (and it is not...lol)....I would give him the biggest "Come to Jesus' talk that he will never forget. I would make it clear that he is not welcome if he ever makes a derogatory remark, like, that, again....
Then...I would do a lot talking to your daughter about self worth not being attached to physical appearances.....this so important, I think....not just one talk, but, an ongoing conversation on the subject....
Might as well prepare her...because, this culture throws a lot of those kinds of messages at young women, from a variety of sources...all the time....
Lol...I can remember that my grandmother's mantra, to me, from as young a I can remember..."Pretty is as pretty does"......
Then...I would do a lot talking to your daughter about self worth not being attached to physical appearances.....this so important, I think....not just one talk, but, an ongoing conversation on the subject....
Might as well prepare her...because, this culture throws a lot of those kinds of messages at young women, from a variety of sources...all the time....
Lol...I can remember that my grandmother's mantra, to me, from as young a I can remember..."Pretty is as pretty does"......
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Ugh, that is completely inexcusable! It's so wrong on so many levels, and it's infuriating that a grown man would even think that it's remotely ok to say something like that to anyone.
Does your daughter struggle with body image? From what you've shared, it sounds like she could have some perfectionistic tendencies, and that's something to be aware of.
I have been on a body positive learning journey for a couple of years now, and I believe it is important for everyone, especially girls, to learn and know that their value has nothing to do with what they look like. Our culture is very steeped in valuing a person's outward appearance, and that is so problematic and hurts everyone, even those with "perfect" bodies.
My hope for your daughter (and everyone, really) is that she can develop some resiliency to comments like that and be able to clap back if they are so moved.
"Your legs are looking chunky."
"My legs are STRONG enough to kick your ass!"
That's probably not the best response, but I'm feeling defiant today.
Does your daughter struggle with body image? From what you've shared, it sounds like she could have some perfectionistic tendencies, and that's something to be aware of.
I have been on a body positive learning journey for a couple of years now, and I believe it is important for everyone, especially girls, to learn and know that their value has nothing to do with what they look like. Our culture is very steeped in valuing a person's outward appearance, and that is so problematic and hurts everyone, even those with "perfect" bodies.
My hope for your daughter (and everyone, really) is that she can develop some resiliency to comments like that and be able to clap back if they are so moved.
"Your legs are looking chunky."
"My legs are STRONG enough to kick your ass!"
That's probably not the best response, but I'm feeling defiant today.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Oh geez. It's such a fine line between a teachable moment of why we shouldn't listen to what a moron says and telling said moron to never comment on my daughter's physical appearance again or I will stomp you into the ground. As a parent to a super sensitive daughter, I would be doing a combo of both. Hugs to you. Mommin' ain't easy.
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I have 2 thoughts here, both have to do with trying to get someone else to do something different, act different, react different. And we know how impossible it is to change another human being.
First, getting your brother in law to see that his remarks (however intended) were heard as hurtful and embarrassing with your daughter’s anger left to fester.
Second, getting your daughter to stand up for herself when her feelings have been hurt. Getting her to see herself in a healthier light and not in the shadow of someone’s comments. (Feelings are not facts) She wants you to side with her and fight her battle, the one she is fearful of fighting for herself.
If you could get your BIL to apologize and your daughter to be receptive to at least hearing it, the rest will resolve itself one way or another.
Not a great place being in the middle and trying to be peacekeeper, how about you talk to his wife and get her input and take on this.
First, getting your brother in law to see that his remarks (however intended) were heard as hurtful and embarrassing with your daughter’s anger left to fester.
Second, getting your daughter to stand up for herself when her feelings have been hurt. Getting her to see herself in a healthier light and not in the shadow of someone’s comments. (Feelings are not facts) She wants you to side with her and fight her battle, the one she is fearful of fighting for herself.
If you could get your BIL to apologize and your daughter to be receptive to at least hearing it, the rest will resolve itself one way or another.
Not a great place being in the middle and trying to be peacekeeper, how about you talk to his wife and get her input and take on this.
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Why is he due to visit your home this week hopeful?
TBH, if ANY man in my DD's life spoke to her in this way he'd hear something along the lines of, "If you ever speak to my DD about her body or her mind or her spirit in this way again, I'll cut your tongue out & feed it to a stray dog. If you can't speak to her with respect then don't speak to her at all."
But you know, that's my Sicilian/German/Irish DNA going Chernobyl on anyone that dares to trigger my Mama Bear Instinct.
My sister's boyfriend tried making DD the butt of a poor joke once & I put him in his place immediately despite my sister's obvious discomfort. I wasn't rude but I was clear - if you feel the need, as a grown man, to make a child the butt of your jokes then you might benefit from individual therapy of some sort. And Sis - if YOU feel the need to defend such behavior maybe there's room for growth on your side here too????
TBH, if ANY man in my DD's life spoke to her in this way he'd hear something along the lines of, "If you ever speak to my DD about her body or her mind or her spirit in this way again, I'll cut your tongue out & feed it to a stray dog. If you can't speak to her with respect then don't speak to her at all."
But you know, that's my Sicilian/German/Irish DNA going Chernobyl on anyone that dares to trigger my Mama Bear Instinct.
My sister's boyfriend tried making DD the butt of a poor joke once & I put him in his place immediately despite my sister's obvious discomfort. I wasn't rude but I was clear - if you feel the need, as a grown man, to make a child the butt of your jokes then you might benefit from individual therapy of some sort. And Sis - if YOU feel the need to defend such behavior maybe there's room for growth on your side here too????
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Would your BIL be receptive if you said something to him about how it hurt your daughter's feelings?
My XBIL was a complete azhat...if someone would have tried to give constructive criticism, it would've made it worse. He was THAT big of an ahole.
Is this your sister's husband or your husband's brother?
Maybe you could go that route, too, of having your sister pull him aside.
I would reinforce to your daughter that sometimes people say things without thinking and it doesn't mean it's true.
There's also a saying, "It's not funny unless everyone is laughing."
My XBIL was a complete azhat...if someone would have tried to give constructive criticism, it would've made it worse. He was THAT big of an ahole.
Is this your sister's husband or your husband's brother?
Maybe you could go that route, too, of having your sister pull him aside.
I would reinforce to your daughter that sometimes people say things without thinking and it doesn't mean it's true.
There's also a saying, "It's not funny unless everyone is laughing."
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This is my sibling's husband.
So, my sister spoke to him and said he feels bad and is going to reach out to my daughter after school. I will speak to him when he comes to my house later this week (he and my sister are staying a couple of days to attend a commitment, and they live a ways away). We will see what happens as I am not sure how much he will put into this, and I am not sure how receptive she will be. Fun times.
She does struggle with body images, as most teens do. I do also believe she should have spoken out for herself instead of expecting me to do it, and that is something we will have to address in counseling. I did not hear it happen or I would have dressed him down that second. However, she has to learn that I won't be able to fight her battles, and that she is not going to like everything she hears in life, nor will she be able to control that all the time.
He does truly love my children and meant nothing by it. He is a dumb guy who has no clue what to do with girls. I spoke to my sister about it at length today and I am hoping she was able to convey to him some things about my daughter as she is quite familiar with how sensitive she is.
I feel worn out and disappointed.
So, my sister spoke to him and said he feels bad and is going to reach out to my daughter after school. I will speak to him when he comes to my house later this week (he and my sister are staying a couple of days to attend a commitment, and they live a ways away). We will see what happens as I am not sure how much he will put into this, and I am not sure how receptive she will be. Fun times.
She does struggle with body images, as most teens do. I do also believe she should have spoken out for herself instead of expecting me to do it, and that is something we will have to address in counseling. I did not hear it happen or I would have dressed him down that second. However, she has to learn that I won't be able to fight her battles, and that she is not going to like everything she hears in life, nor will she be able to control that all the time.
He does truly love my children and meant nothing by it. He is a dumb guy who has no clue what to do with girls. I spoke to my sister about it at length today and I am hoping she was able to convey to him some things about my daughter as she is quite familiar with how sensitive she is.
I feel worn out and disappointed.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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You got excellent advice, as always from this group of people. Boy is it hard for a mama not to go on the rampage when her child is hurt. Last summer my husband and husbands best friend took my 16 year old son on his boat. I wasn't worried he would get hurt, but I wanted to make it clear that if he gets hurt I will hunt him down and kill him twice. It sounds like you BIL just said something without thinking. He must be a younger man who hasn't learned when to keep his mouth shut. I think he's been well schooled now. 😂 I think your approach to helping your daughter is sound and appropriate.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
I feel worn out and disappointed.
I know that feeling all too well, Mama. Do you talk about body image issues with your girls? This is my lifelong struggle - to the point of body dysmorphia at times. DD & I have a lot of conversations even at 14 - girl's bodies go through such a roller coaster of changes & she's already taller than I am with a shoe 2 sizes bigger as well. She struggles with being "bigger" than me at this age & I keep reminding her that her body is not going to be done changing for many years, if ever.
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FS...wow, we have the exact same issue with our kids!
Yes, I do talk to them about it. However, when it comes from someone else, it seems they lose what we have discussed!
It sounds harsh that she take care of this herself, but we have been talking about this very thing at counseling.
It's hard to be a mom some days. Thank you all for your wonderful input!
Yes, I do talk to them about it. However, when it comes from someone else, it seems they lose what we have discussed!
It sounds harsh that she take care of this herself, but we have been talking about this very thing at counseling.
It's hard to be a mom some days. Thank you all for your wonderful input!
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Hi hopeful4,
As a mother of a tween girl who is already as tall as I am and knockout gorgeous to boot - I agree with all the other posters who said that it is inappropriate for BIL to make comments about her changing body, and that if anyone does decide they get to comment on her body, "go eff yourself" (from either Mom or daughter) is an entirely appropriate response. A lot of mean things happen to girls under the guise of "it's just a joke" or "take it as a compliment". I'm glad BIL got dressed down - with luck, he's learned his lesson (even though I suspect he will never really "get it" why his behavior was wrong).
Here's a book I bought for my kid, who finds this kind of thing way too "AWKWAAAARD!" to talk about with her mom. It's got lots of positive reinforcement for healthy boundaries and assertiveness, and it's funny and cool, two thing I am not good at being as the mom of a young person:
https://www.amazon.com/Girl-Up-Claim...ywords=girl+up
As a mother of a tween girl who is already as tall as I am and knockout gorgeous to boot - I agree with all the other posters who said that it is inappropriate for BIL to make comments about her changing body, and that if anyone does decide they get to comment on her body, "go eff yourself" (from either Mom or daughter) is an entirely appropriate response. A lot of mean things happen to girls under the guise of "it's just a joke" or "take it as a compliment". I'm glad BIL got dressed down - with luck, he's learned his lesson (even though I suspect he will never really "get it" why his behavior was wrong).
Here's a book I bought for my kid, who finds this kind of thing way too "AWKWAAAARD!" to talk about with her mom. It's got lots of positive reinforcement for healthy boundaries and assertiveness, and it's funny and cool, two thing I am not good at being as the mom of a young person:
https://www.amazon.com/Girl-Up-Claim...ywords=girl+up
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Hopeful, you are doing a great job! Considering everything you have been through, I believe you are setting an amazing example to your daughters of handling life with dignity, integrity and grace. Feeling worn down and dissapointed, yet still making the next right decisions ... no small feat. Your words of encouragement to myself and others on the forum is helpful beyond words. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do/write.
GM
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This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much. Being a single mom is no easy task, and I question myself all the time. I just want my children to grow up happy and healthy.
As far as here at SR, this forum has been my lifeline throughout the happy, and the sad, in my life. So thank you back!!!
God Bless!
As far as here at SR, this forum has been my lifeline throughout the happy, and the sad, in my life. So thank you back!!!
God Bless!
Originally Posted by Gm0824
Hopeful, you are doing a great job! Considering everything you have been through, I believe you are setting an amazing example to your daughters of handling life with dignity, integrity and grace. Feeling worn down and dissapointed, yet still making the next right decisions ... no small feat. Your words of encouragement to myself and others on the forum is helpful beyond words. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you do/write.
GM
GM
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I get it. I wanted to share on wanting our children to grow up happy and healthy: Recently, my D wanted to donate her hair to a charity. Her long, beautiful, thick, curly hair. She was persistent. She raised money to send in with her hair. When it came salon day, I was surprised by my thoughts. I had anxiety and fear of xah finding out and what he would say/do. This wasn't her first hair cut, but it was major and I was second guessing myself. Risk vs. reward. I went to the restroom, composed myself and gave myself I pep talk, xah hasn't seen the children in years, no support, his voice in my head gets no input on this little girls happiness. I wish I didn't still hear his voice. Progress though. For never knowing what may "trigger" me, I try to be kind to myself and give myself some credit of how far I have come. Reading your stories and others on this board helps me work through so much of what comes along in my life.
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