SheIsBeautiful

Cross-post from Newcomer's Forum by suggestion.

My wife and I have been married for 1 1/2 years and together for 6 1/2. Throughout our relationship she has had a problem with alcohol. She doesn't get drunk everyday, but when she does drink to the point where she gets drunk it can turn into a multiple day affair. She has it in her head that she can be a social drinker but I feel she needs to stop entirely. After her last incident getting completely wasted on a Sunday afternoon, she came to the realization that it's time to get help and starting seeing a substance abuse counselor.

Fast forward two weeks and she hasn't had any incidents of getting drunk until today. She abruptly left work at 10AM and decided to drink the equivalent of 1+ bottles of wine. She then proceeded to drive home and resume drinking. The driving thing is what really terrifies me. I have an external camera and I could tell that she could barely walk when she got out of her car. She has a previous DUI from 6 years ago where she crashed her car... thankfully no one was hurt.

She is one to hide alcohol in pots, cabinets, dressers, hampers, etc. I'm so paranoid myself that if she gets out of bed at night my heart starts racing because I assume she's sneaking alcohol somewhere. I don't know if she is, however, and maybe that's the worst part. For all I know, she could be getting drunk every night. I've traveled for 2 business trips in the last 6 months and in both iinstances she ended up staying home from work and drinking all day. I'm paranoid to leave her alone at home and now I'm not even sure her being at work is safe if she has her car.

I'm a craft beer guy myself, but I'm not one to ever get drunk. I've expressed that I would be completely willing to give it up if it meant saving her. I love her so much and see us spending the rest of our lives together... until she has an incident. I immediately go into defensive mode and assume I need to do whatever I can to save her and by extension our relationship. She's not a good drunk, but rather an angry one. When she does drink, it's to the point of glasses over eyes and stumbling.

I hope I'm not rambling too much. I'm writing this from my phone on my couch while I sit in our dark living room with my wife asleep / passed out a few feet away from me. I don't have any tears left for this, but at the same time, I can't picture my life without her. Will a weekly visit to a substance abuse counselor be enough or does she need in-patient treatment? I realize this question can only be answered based on my interpretation of our situation. I'm grateful for any advice that anyone here has.

dandylion

SheIsBeautiful.....I am giving you the following link to our extensive library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. It would be a good thing if you read one every single day....There is sooo much to know...and, to be honest, it doesn't sound like you know anything about alcoholism (who does?..lol).....
Knowledge is power.

here is the link

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

(articles can also be found in the "stickies"...located just above the threads)

I suggest that you attend alanon, for yourself.

Does she want to go to rehab...if you can afford it, and she wants to get sober for herself.....it can give her a running start...It is not a "cure", however. It just gives her some tools to apply to her sobriety. The real work begins when she lives in the real world every day....and, putting down the bottle is just the first step. She needs to be working an intensive program after she returns from rehab.....

You will need to get over the idea of "saving " her. Her changes have to come from inside her...because she wants to....You can't do that for her...only she has the ability to do that....(who knew?)......

Katiekate

Hi there, and I am so sorry for what brought you here. It is so hard to watch someone you love decline into this state. I want you to know, we have all been here in some relationship or another. I wish you could save her, sadly, you cannot. That is such a hard pill to swallow, and try I as may have, I was never able to save one of the A;s in my life. I was only able to save myself.

I hope you will do a lot of reading around the forum, and read all the stickies provided to help you educate yourself . You will make lots of informed and caring friend here, and as they always do, they will help you in anyway they can.

Take good care Katie

Sleepyhollo

I’m sorry what you’re going through and it sounds all too familiar. To answer your question, once a week counseling isn’t going to do much, it’s probably not even enough if she truly wants to quit. My RAH ended up getting sent to rehab for 90 days (had no choice because of his job, well he had a choice but not going would’ve meant no job probably). He had been two weeks sober when he went in. The quitting drinking part was never the problem. The staying dry was. Thing is, quitting drinking isn’t enough, most addicts need intensive counseling. The vast majority are self medicating with alcohol so thy need to change their behaviors and coping skills in order to stay celam. It took my RAH a good 7 weeks in rehab before he finally started seeing his manipulative ways. He was a long time drinker with several attempts at sobriety. Longest he quit was 13 months. But he didn’t work any program and no one knew about the fact that it was even a problem so he would say he stopped drinking because he wanted to lose weight and because his blood pressure was too high. Plus because he didn’t work any program he was a dry drunk and while knuckling it. So still the same behaviors (always tired, grumpy reactive etc) but without the alcohol to cope. It wasn’t much better.
He had always been a crappy sleeper for as long as I’ve know him. And he always hid the alcohol too. No one knew he had a problems because they didn’t really see him drink unless it was at a party. He absolutely got up at night to drink. He planned it so that he would be sober enough to go to work in the morning. So your gut feeling is more than likely right.
Things is, you can beg and plead all you want (we’ve all done it, multiple times) but unless the addict is ready to quit you can talk until your blue in the face but it’s not gonna happen. Read codependent no more and learn about setting boundaries (for example, if she is drinking at home, you are leaving the house, just an example, not saying that’s what you should do). Get educated about addiction. Because even though you and many of us have lived with it for along time you’d be surprised to know how little you really know about it. We cannot help the addict. If she is drinking and driving that’s a huge concern. Not just for her but everyone else on the road. Maybe if she is at home drunk, just take her keys and leave the house yourself. That way she can sleep it off and not go anywhere. That said, that is not a fun way to live so you have to figure out what you can live with. You can only protect her so much. You can’t be with her 24/7. It took me 14 years with my H before I hit my rock bottom and I basically told him I would give him one last chance to get clean andnitnahd to be out in the open and he had to do treatment. Apparently he was close to being ready to quit he just needed that final kick in the butt. He also said that if I had done that 3 years ago he probably would not have been ready to quit . Unfortunately the last 2 years of his active addiction were very bad for our relationship because I very much detached. We’re still together and working on it but I don’t know if it will work out.
You can’t force an addict to get clean and you can’t predict when the addict will finally hit their rock bottom and be ready to quit. Some never get there. It is so hard to stand by and not be able to do anything. And we keep hoping every time they quit that it will stick. I recommend that you try alanon and also consider therapy for you alone preferably by someone with an addiction background. Alcoholism is a family disease and it affects everyone around them, especially the partner. Take care of you, because that is all you ave contrôl over. Read around this forum and you will learn a lot. I wish I would have found this many years ago.

dandylion

SheIsBeautiful.....one thought....Is the title and insurance in her name, only?..on the car.
Be aware that o ne accident has the potential to wipe out everything that you have....
Just want to give you a heads up.....

Westexy

Welcome SIB, and I'm so sorry that you have to be here. All of the things you wrote about, I have experienced as have many others here. One thing that others told me when I first arrived here and that ultimately helped so much when I was in crisis - First, take care of yourself. I know it feels counterintuitive, but I believe that advice was the best that I received. I followed it blindly, and probably only because I had tried EVERYTHING else, but it helped... a lot! Things got worse before they got better, but by focusing on my own self-care and needs, I was able to pull myself together and do the right thing for my child and myself. My XAH still hasn't hit rock bottom, and maybe he never will, but I can live with that now. When I first came here, I felt like we all might not survive. Please stay, and read, and do something to be good to yourself today. And again, I really encourage you to focus on yourself, at least for a while, to see how things change. It may not be your nature, but why not try something different? I promise you that life will improve.

Bekindalways

Welcome SIB and so glad you found us. I hope we can support you in this excruciating situation.

My Qualifier was also a beautiful amazing person. It was so horrible to watch him throw his life away.

We all want to fix our As but that just isn't possible. You can take steps to fix yourself and deal with the situation as constructively as possible.

Keep reading and thinking.

hopeful4

Normal drinkers don't hide alcohol.

W999

SIB, you are experiencing the exact same thing as me right now. My wife has just stumbled upstairs to bed, she's had 4 liters of cider since about 10 am and will be back for more very soon. I'm sitting thinking about how to get her to drink less tomorrow and then even less the next day so that she will be weaned off and back to "normal" asap. Even after 13 years of this same roundabout, I've never changed.

As DesertEyes put it on another thread..I've dug myself into a pit.

All the best to you.

SheIsBeautiful

I feel you. I'm trying my hardest right now to make the current situation reset into a state of normalcy. At one point there was over a year and a half of it. That is what got me to finally propose after 3 1/2 years of dating. Lately, however, the drinking episodes have become more frequent. There was a period it was every few months, then every other month, then once a month, and now we're at about once every couple weeks.

SheIsBeautiful

I've confronted her about this and been told she hides it because she doesn't want to hurt me. Even after explaining that I always find out anyway and the dishonesty is way more hurtful, she still does it. She had stopped for a couple years, but It's come back in a big way in the last 6 months. The Black Box wines are her drink of choice lately.

dandylion

SheIsBeautiful......does it really matter if she is hiding it or keeps it in the middle of the livingroom? It is still alcoholism.
You know she is drinking and she knows she is drinking...no matter where the liquid is located.

Ollie91

Hey, I'm quite new to this asking for help. This place has opened my eyes. Still at the start of the learning process. I've been with my alcoholic wife for 9 years now. I totally know how your feeling. What helped me most so far is your not alone. I'm sitting here on the sofa waiting for the next hospital trip ( pancreatitis) what a lovely merry go round. It really kills me watching this over and over. I love her so much. I guess we have to find a way of remembering there is nothing we can do. I remember someone saying the three C's didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.

Hope your doing ok, just remember your not alone

donewithhurting

I'm in the same boat but with a 30+ year marriage. Wife is a sporadic drinker who occasionally explodes with rage. The whole nine yards - verbally, emotionally, physically.
She hides the booze and lies to my face as she is slurring and falling down.

I once theatened divorce. She quit for 5 years. That was 2 years ago. Little by little she started drinking until boom! Full on rage attacks.
She's in AA now and that has it's own host of problems. She's using it to gather fans for her to administer to. Like her own little show. They are all damaged, divorced man hating women. Nice huh?

So guess who became the enemy when I said enough is enough.

I stopped drinking (socially) and smoking weed (which I did for over 40 years cause I like it) last November cause she claimed I was an addict.
I have not had one urge to smoke or drink and I am clearer now than i have been in a long time.

My problem with AA and Al-Anon is that they do not put the complete responsibility on the person, rather onto a higher power.

I read a book called Empowered Recovery someone here recommended and it gave two options.
1 - They completely recover and never drink again and stop all their alcoholic behavior
2 - You leave the relationship

If you dont leave now and she keeps drinking either she will kill herself one way or another or you will wither away, or leave sooner or later suffering for a longer time.

Its a very bitter pill to swallow but makes much more sense to me than the 12 steps which seems to allow for "slips".

We had it out last night and she promised once again not to drink again and one other thing - we have a No Opposite Friends agreement in place due to past infidelity issues. So I come to find out 3 days ago she gave her phone # to a new AA member and went to fellowship (coffee) alone with him.

I hit the freakin roof.

So I am at the end of my rope. She agreed last night it was wrong and wont do it again... but as we all know, they lie.

So what to do... what to do?
That is the big question.

Bekindalways

A belated welcome Ollie. I'm glad you found us and hope we can support you.

Donewithhurting, you may know that there is something called Rational Recovery. I know little or nothing about it but I believe it doesn't include reliance on a higher power.

COD, I hope you are hanging tough. I keep thinking maybe a rational moment will come with your wife where you can offer divorce to her as a kindness. But I haven't been in your position and its probably not my side of the street. So . . . . I'm off to do some yoga, drink some water and feed the dog . . . and other tasks in my immediate vicinity.

Ladybird579

So what to do... what to do?
That is the big question.

You keep giving her ultimatums and she ignores them. Ultimatums, has has been said to you on a previous thread, do not work with alcoholics. Not ever. You have two choices. You either put up with her as she is and doing what she does or you leave her. That's it. She is not going to change her ways. Nothing else is on the table and she knows full well you never, ever carry out any threats you make when she breaks her promises. All you can do is take control of your own life.

Seren

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Please remember that at SR, respecting another's recovery method is paramount. Bashing or debating recovery programs will not be tolerated.

We all have our own path to recovery.

Thank you!

S

Clover71

Not to be contrary but it did matter for me. It's also a bit more difficult to "let go" in the beginning when the hiding is happening

Clover71

Have you been to an Alanon meeting?

hopeful4

My point being, the fact that she has to hide it reveals she has a problem. I get it, the deceit hurts as well. Yet she still chooses to do so.