Davey1

I have been sober from a hydrocodone addiction that last 2 years. It has been roughly 5 years since the conclusion of my addiction. Ever since I got clean, I still have a draw for more drugs. It is all I think about every single day. I know that I dont want to go back to the person I was, mostly struggling with depression and self harm back then. But getting more drugs is still constantly on my mind, and if I had another pill bottle, I would go back in a heart beat. Does anyone else have the same struggles? I have come so far spirituality and mentally, but this need never seemed to go away.

JeffreyAK

Have you ever looked into thought-stopping techniques? You can google this for a lot of links. SMART has some strategies, SMART Recovery® - STOP Thought Technique, and there's a good article here on Soberrecovery, https://www.soberrecovery.com/addict...-in-your-head/ Basically, ways of stopping the fixation that you can practice, and that can eventually become automatic. I've been sober almost 7 years now, and for me I absolutely don't still crave it, in fact I haven't in probably 5 years, but I had to work at it and build up a bag of tools to use to combat the fixation tendency.

dwtbd

Nice to see you found your way to this corner
Take some time and read through some of the longer discussion threads and see if any of the ideas on desire resonate.
I put all desire 'on the Beast' , I have decided I will never drink again , everytime I have in the past it lead to abuse and addiction. Abstinence from intoxicants ensures I will never become addicted again. (not to mention I now fully realize I have not given anything up , getting and maintaining a high was never worth the mind, body and soul damage my AV constantly had me over look, 'feels' good or even great was/is never a rational justification for what IT does.)

Cravings lessened in intensity and frequency when I came to see how the urge , the want, the Beast may still be 'there' , or even come and go but ITs presence alone isn't a threat.
The 'feeling' of fighting back against the urge, the recognition of the want coupled with the simultaneous resolve to 'not give in' and use causes some cognitive dissonance and anxiety. But the mechanism that drives the dissonance is based on our misconception that the mere presence of the desire will result in a satisfaction of the desire unless superhuman applications of the power of will are brought to bear to ward the urge off.
Turn the tables , cut off the supply and motive power of the craving by simply recognizing it and dismissing it. The 'power of a craving' is proportional to the amount we assign is necessary to thwart IT. If you decide that 'no matter what', use is no longer an option , 'defeat' of the desire , frustrating ITs satisfaction is as simple as recognizing and dismissing IT.
ITs presence is no longer a threat, 'warding' off a non threat requires little 'willpower', yeah?

Wholesome

That sounds exhausting Davey1. A lot of the people in this sub-forum use AVRT to conquer those thoughts, myself included. It is a learned skill to recognize and dissociate from one's Addictive Voice. Sounds like something that you could use.

Congrats on 2 years sober and welcome to this corner of the internet.

Have a read around, there are some really fantastic informative threads about AVRT that I think could really help you.

AlericB

Yes, it's natural to think that the most difficult thing we face is a battle against an eternal Beast but I don't think this is so. My experience is that the hardest thing is to make the decision never to drink again. Once that's been done the rest is fairly easy because recognition and separation from AV becomes pretty much automatic. Know your enemy, which is vacillation, not the Beast.

Wholesome

I agree with what you're saying Aleric, only thing is that we are talking to a member who hasn't learned to tame his best yet. He's made the decision to quit but is still being flooded with unwanted thoughts of picking back up. I know exactly what Davey1 is talking about from previous attempts at quitting before I knew about the AV. Those thoughts felt like me and they felt very powerful and very real, it was really hard to live in that constant state of want. It's what is meant by white knuckling.

Are you still around Davey1? How's things going?

Fusion

Zen, so true. Davey, are you still reading? There is another way, as Zen and Aleric noted - it doesn't have to be a battle.

Davey1

Still here. And it is just a really hard feeling to describe. Yes I hated myself when I was on drugs. I was depressed, stole from loved ones, and hurt alot of people just to get my next fix. For so long I forgot what it felt to feel anything, that I started to burn myself just to feel human again. One would think the physical scars I now have up and down my arm would be a reminder not to go back, but I would in a heart beat if I had another perscription. I have so much going now, a good job, a house, closer to God, and a loving family. Just the constant feeling like something is missing. Just one more pill..

dwtbd

Did you read through any of the threads on AVRT?
Any thought , feeling or image of future use is AV. The AV is the desire for the pill's voice, the Beast's voice speaking' to You in your own voice, IT uses your thoughts and your own personal vocabulary to drive You , try and convince You to use again.
Using AVRT shows how to separate from that desire and recognize that voice as not You. To see that constant feeling as not You ,but IT.
You know it is not 'one more' , your own experience shows you it can never be one more, that is a lie the AV is feeding you .
You can acknowledge that 'feeling' and then dismiss and disown it. It doesn't have to be yours, if you don't want it to be.

Dropsie

Davey,

I can't say I know what you are going through, as my issue is booze not pills, but I just lost a dear friend to drugs. I never even knew he was using.

I hope you stay with us as the poison that is out there today will literally kill you.

But as to your question, it does get better, every day, provided you stay clean. Your brain does heal. You will be happier.

That I can promise. And the alternative is simply not worth it, no matter how good it seems at seconds. That is the trick the AV pulls, to make something that will kill you in exchange for escape seem like a good idea.

Really?? Thats not you. You know better. That is the AV.