Cpage33

Hello all, I am new to this site and hoping you lovely people can possibly help me. My fiancé is currently as we speak on a disappearing bender, which has become quite the norm lately. A little back history, he was sober for almost 7yrs (we were just friends at this point) and when he got divorced he went on a year long insane bender spending around $50,000 on cocaine and alcohol alone. Then he was sober for a year, and that's when we took our friendship to another level. In the time we have been together, he has progressively gotten worse. He suffers from severe depression and anxiety, and works VERY long hours and commutes to work everyday so it's very stressful. He seems very genuine when he tells me he wants so badly to quit drinking and he hates how it affects his life so badly and his health and how it affects our relationship, but almost every single Friday he goes MIA until Monday, has been calling out of work at least one day a week, and I have been on my own paying bills because his money disappears and he always has a good reason for why his paycheck is gone. He's a good man when he's sober, this disease just has him so badly idk what to do to help. I've recently signed up for Love Over Addiction to help myself and learn to love myself and no be so codependent, and leaving is NOT an option for me and I'm not willing to go there so please if you comment, don't suggest to "get out while I can" or that it'll only get worse from here. If anyone is in the same type of situation and wants someone to talk to, i need a buddy to get thru this with. It's very lonely and people rarely understand my reasoning for not leaving. If only there was a magic cure all for this awful disease.

maia1234

Cp,
Welcome and glad you reached out. This my friend, with what you are living with, is life with an addict. It's hard to hear but there is nothing we codies can do for our addicts, but pray. If there was that special sheet of paper that says "how do we get our addict sober and live happily ever after," none of us would be here.

I'm sorry, you don't want to hear this, but this is your reality. He could lose his job, might get a dui or lose his license or get in a fight and wind up in jail, he could black out and hurt you or kill someone, instead of being gone only the weekends he will ad Monday or Thursdays , they will mentally beat you down till you dont feel you are worth any existence on this earth, he will clear all the money out of your account for drugs, and in time he will hook up with another women . There are so many unbelievable stories, that you would have thought they were fake. Sorry, but this is reality of your future life with an addict.

If you want to learn how to coexist with an addict there are a lot of people who do it on this forum. I did it for 34 years. You go into survival mode. You become handy, because you have to repair everything yourself , you reach out to friends and family because they are never around to do anything with, you work very hard to cover the bills, because they spend their money on drugs or eventually don't work, you become the kids chauffeur, because you can't trust them to show up or even be sober driving your precious children home, you constantly walk on egg shells to keep him happy, so he doesn't explode at you when he is hung over. You learn to disengage and survive as many men and women do on this forum.

On this forum we try and educate people to what your future will be like, as spoken from people who have lived it. We understand that you love your fiancee, as each and everyone of us loves our addict. Please read around this forum as there are many things men and women have done before you to make their life manageable. Hugs to you and I hope you find on this forum what you are looking for.

Cpage33

Thanks oh so much for for your support and reply! I was married to an alcoholic for 8yrs who was also a porn addict and cheater, so I know just how far down in hell addicts can drag you. It seems like there are just so many different addict personality types, I don't want to go back to that place where I was with my ex husband. Luckily my fiancé and I do not share a bank account, I made that mistake before and wound up broke and a single mom with two kids and no job. Learned my lesson the first time around lol! The difference now is that my ex couldn't give a crap less about our marriage and kids, he never wanted help and to this day 5yrs later still thinks he was never in the wrong. What gets me is my fiancé seems to want sooo badly to change, I am just at a loss on where that fine line is between enabling and helping. I've been crafting my boundaries for the relationship all day, I'm hoping it helps. I'm too empathetic for my own good. I also sought AlAnon meetings in my town today so I'm going to start going to those and forcing myself to commute to my church every week and look after my health and wellbeing first and foremost and not let his addiction drive my life. Thank you so much again, it's so relieving just talking to someone about it right now. He finally reached out a couple minutes ago saying he messed up and went on a bender and wants help to get better. I'm tempted to say find it on your own, since I've already searched places for him in the past that he didn't take me up on.

dandylion

Cpage33......Welcome....
I am giving you this link from our sticky section of articles on alcoholism and the effects that it has on the loved ones......
You may find this particular article to be a helpful yardstick.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

The following is a link to our entire collection of educational articles

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

maia1234

Cp,
I am so sorry that you are in this place again. They do say that addicts know how to seek out us codies, because "normies" wouldn't put up with their shxt.

You have to remember that talk is cheap. Our addicts "admitting" to having a problem and doing something about it, is a world apart. They admit "it", so life calms down in the home, and you back off, thinking he is going to seek help. Alcoholics 101, very common on this forum . Usually in life when we admit we have a problem, we make an effort to fix it. Is he attending meetings, is he seeking out sober people, is He seeking out rehab facilities? They say on here that his actions speak louder than words. Addiction and sobriety is a one man show.

What the question is, why does this keep happening to you. I think heading to alanon is a great resource for you. During my divorce I attended 2 alanon meetings and 2 open aa meetings a week and sr every night for 10 straight months. I was no different then an addict, needing 24 hour support, I admit I was very sick. I worked very hard at "getting" well, so hopefully in the future, the red flags will show up, and when I know better I will do better.

The best thing you can do is stop obsessing over your addict. He is a grown man and an alcoholic and alcoholics drink and do drugs. If you can I would seek out an addiction therapist for support. In my opinion I would give him to God to watch over him, and do some self care, as you deserve it. They say here " that God doesnt need our help, he can take care of each and every addict who reaches out for help." Keep posting, asking questions, and reading all over this forum. There is so much support here and we all get it. Hugs!!

Eauchiche

Dear CPage
You requested that we not offer advice about getting out, etc....
In other words, you have decided to remain in this situation and want us to be sounding boards while you vent. Do I have this right?

If I am not free to offer advice, perhaps I could share some personal experience instead.

I remember a time several years ago that I believed I couldn't leave my addict, because I was afraid he would drink himself to death. My Mother in Law also made me swear that I would let her know immediately if he had to go to the hospital. We went to the hospital A LOT.
What did I do? I stayed with him and drank with him, so he wouldn't drink himself to death.
Finally, I quit drinking and left over 3-1/2 years ago, and he is still very much alive.

Even though we weren't together, I stayed married to him. Why? Because if I divorced him, he couldn't be on my health insurance any more.
Our divorce will be final this next February, and he will pay to be on Cobra through my company. It is great insurance, and will cost him about 1/2 what he would have to pay outside.

In retrospect, I expended a great deal of emotional energy trying to right a capsizing boat that was trying to sink itself. That I found the strength to leave and get help for myself is a miracle.

I realize that you think that leaving is not an option. Please just be open to change, and KEEP COMING BACK!

Cpage33

I'm not trying to use anyone as a sounding board, that is why I asked if someone who thought the same as me would want to talk together because not everyone gets it. I was with my alcoholic abusive porn and coke addicted husband for 8yrs, he was evil and terrible to me and i would never go back. My fiancé, for a little back history, I've known for 14yrs and he was the first love of my life at 14yrs old, and we never grew out of it even when we married other people. Fast forward to him being sober and us together, he is amazing. He has a good paying job, he is the kindest man I have ever met and to this day has never raised his voice or said anything remotely mean. He knows he is messing up and i know addicts say what you want to hear but I truly believe he wants to get better. Like I said he has severe depression and anxiety that is what I believe led to his relapse after a year of being sober, and his insurance just kicked in to start seeing a psychotherapist which he did make an appt for but just not soon enough apparently. I absolutely will not give up on someone who wants help and is sick. My ex husband was sick and LOVED every second of it, this is different. I am old fashioned and I will help him where I can from a healthy place, and not be at his beck and call but I am absolutely not leaving. I didn't say I never would in the future, because I know I would leave if it continues and keeps happening but I'm not at the place right now and I stand by what I believe in. I have set my new boundaries and I feel really good about them.

honeypig

This was posted by another SR member some time ago. I saved it, have shared it when it seemed appropriate, and will do so again here:

"How do I stop being so compassionate?"

Stop calling what you want to do when you feel like giving in to his bad behavior "compassion".

It isn't compassion.

It is co-dependence. It is trying to fix someone else. It is anticipating and guessing what is going on in his head, as if you had a psychic line into what he thinks. It is thinking that YOU know better than he what will fix him.

It is arrogance. We do not get to live THEIR lives, even though we think we have the right to dissuade them from "the error of their ways" or protect them from what we see as their next mistaken step.

When I was married to my now ex alcoholic abusive husband, I thought that I knew what was best for him. I violated the boundaries of what was him and what was me, and I thought I knew best what would help him.

I was wrong. It took me a long time to recognize that I was being arrogant, and it was not okay for me to step into his world and re-organize it so it fit what I thought it should be.

It was - and is - my ex husband's right to life an independent life, as HE sees fit. He is an adult. He has the right to choose to live however he wants to, and he has the right and the obligation to face the consequences of his choices without my intervention, manipulation, or direction. What I think will be his salvation - my prescription for his behavior - is merely my head trip into his life.

This may sound harsh, but for me, it was the beginning of separating myself from the intermeshed kind of joint "personality" we had become, where I watched out for what I thought he needed and saw life from his perspective more than I did from my own.

This, to me, is the beginning of freedom. Said with great empathy, take what you want and leave the rest.

Your story and attitude remind me a great deal of another member (OT4kids), who also seemed to want nothing but to talk about her woes but not take any action. For some of us, that gets old after a while. For others, it doesn't. I hope you turn out to be one of those for whom it gets old...

Cpage33

I can see where it would get old, which is why I have stated many times I was looking for someone who thinks like me, not get attacked by others who think leaving is my only option - because it's not. I know I'm a codependent which is why I have also stated I am seeking help for and created my boundaries.

Cpage33

I can see my opinions and POV aren't really welcomed or supported here, thanks to everyone who replied kindly but more negativity is not what I need. I came here for support from someone who understands my POV and won't think I'm an idiot for it. So thanks again but idk if this is the place for me it seems I made a mistake what this website was about.

dandylion

Cpage33.....you don't have to interact in order to benefit from the links that I gave you....
They are for your own education...and, knowledge is power....

***Note, also, that you came on a weekend...when the forum is the very slowest.....so, your post probably didn't get the exposure that it usually would, during the weekdays....
There are lots of people on this forum who are still with their qualifier......

Cpage33

Oh I'm reading those! I wasn't talking about what you had posted, they are helpful so far. I'll read anything I can get my hands on. Thank you!!

honeypig

This might be useful to you also: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-they-do.html (To newbies - why people respond the way they do)

Here is the first post of the thread:
There seems to be a fair number of newcomers who choose to see responses from members as negative, aggressive etc.

This is how it is:
Every single one of the people responding have been where you are now. The story may play itself out with different circumstances, but the underlying feelings and behaviour are the same.

Every single one of us have been in denial about addiction in the beginning. Every single one of us wanted to stick around because we loved the addict and love doesn't run away.
Every single one of us thought the addict loved us enough to change for us.
Every single one of us made excuses for behaviour and ignored the red flags.

Every single one of us was on the receiving end of the addict's lies and manipulation.
Every single one of us have been blamed for the addiction and whatever else has gone wrong for the addict.
Every single one of us remembered what the addict used to be like and lived in hope to get that person back.
Every single one of us spent years trying to love the addict to recovery.

After many years of living in a hell that got progressively worse,
where we felt we were losing our sanity,
where our health suffered,
where the rest of the family or children suffered,
where our depression about the situation got so bad we wondered whether life was worth it,
we finally became strong and walked away.

So when you as a newcomer come and tell your story, we recognize the signs immediately. We would, because we had many years practice. We try and help you to avoid the pain we went through, because we know that in your wildest imagination, you do not understand how bad it will get.

We do this not because we are mean or negative, not because we don't understand love, but because we want to spare another human being from what we went through. We do it because we know where your story is heading and we understand the outcome is certain. We do it because we wish we had known how dark life can be with an addict.

We do it because we were you once.

maia1234

Cp,
I have a suggestion for you. Go on to the new to recovery or alcoholism forum. Talk to the addicts about how you can "help" your fiancee/ or you. Reach out and see what their suggestions are. I always loved hearing their take on things, as I have such a different brain then them.

I feel bad that you are getting defensive. You are asking for help on how to technically help your addict. We are telling you you can't, and you are getting angry with what we are saying. When I first came to SR, I too was told that my axh was not an exception to the rule, which I thought he was. The longer I read the posts, I realized he wasn't any more special then anyone elses husband. Some one posted to me....

"Trying to talk with someone who is in love with an alcoholic, is often like trying to talk with the alcoholic, himself. They just aren't ready to listen"

This really hurt, because for over 30 years I tried it my way and kept losing. Once I shut my mouth, opened my eyes and ears, I learned. Three years ago, I didn't sleep, I was miserable, depressed, angry, and in a dark deep hole and I had no idea how I was going to get out. All the people on this forum held my hand and walked me into such a better life. I come on this forum to help people understand that we are so much better then being attached to an addict. There is such a better life. Addicts suck the joy out of a room. I know that you keep saying that your addict doesn't do that. All I have to say is.... yet. He will, maybe not today or next year, but I can guarantee you if you last the 34 years that I did, he will suck the joy out of your room also.

Please don't shut us out. Please just keep reading and educating yourself. (you don't need to post) Something you might read, might give you a light bulb moment. We need those light bulb moments in our darkest days. We all do care about one another here, and we do care about you. They say in alanon, take what you want and leave the rest. Hugs!!

NYCDoglvr

Does he go to meetings, have a sponsor? Sure he means it when he says it but what actions is he taking? Is he calling his sponsor, going to meetings, in therapy, doing the steps? As you've seen alcoholism is a progressive disease and he will continue to get worse.

Is this who you want to marry?

qtpi

Interesting thread. I tried for years. Finally left after 33 years of marriage. Maybe you said it best... If only there were a magic cure. But no magic here. I do hear a lot of wisdom on this site. I wish I had listened when a few people said get out now.

BAW81

Cpage - I am so sorry to hear about what you're experiencing and also that you've experienced it before with your XAH. I think it is good that you are sharing this experience with others.

My STBXAH told me many times that he needed help and I did everything I knew how to help him.....listen, bargain on how much he could drink, find him therapists, support him when he was out of work, send him (and pay for myself) to inpatient rehab, tip-toe around him and stuff my feelings so I didn't upset him and give him an excuse to drink again.

My reality is that there was NOTHING I could do to help and by nature I do not give up on anything easily....I mean anything.

You mention in your original post that you have children and I am sure this is very confusing for them to experience on top of processing their own father's addiction issues. As another mother, I think something you could do is re-direct your energy toward your children at this time. They need your help and will benefit the most from it.

Your fiance is a grown man. He needs to help himself. Stay or don't stay - that is ENTIRELY your decision but whatever you do, please remember your children are watching and learning. They need your help more than anyone.

AnvilheadII

there are many different people who are addicts, but addiction itself is pretty consistent and identifiable. he is now disappearing for days on end weekly - have you given any thought to where he goes or what he does or who he does it with? he's also missing work regularly, and that is not sustainable. he's spending all HIS money leaving you holding the bag and having to cover all the bills. those are facts as you have shared them.

there isn't really a way to make things better while he remains in active addiction and you and your children share a residence with him. of the seven day week, he's gone three and probably hungover as hell the 4th. that means there are maybe 3 days a week where things are kind of "ok".

financially things are not going to improve, they WILL deteriorate when one party is spending money foolishly and in large amounts. he may lose his job, or at least get a suspension or perhaps be given the option to "get help" or "get out". his addiction is out of control and will continue to get further out of control, until he does more than cry about how much he wants to stop.

help is available. everywhere. it's not a secret or difficult to arrange for treatment, altho there may be a waiting list for a bed. AA and NA programs are free and meetings happen every day, world wide. an appointment with his doctor with an open discussion of the health problem and options is another avenue. HE could do ANY of those things. IF he was truly READY to be done.

he may be a nice guy but his addiction is harmful to him, you and the children. the longer you stay and ride it out, so must they.

alanon can be a life saver, and i am encouraged that you sought out meetings. give that a good try, at least 6 meetings, possibly different meetings, as each have their own "flavor". keeping your finances separate is wise. keep a close eye on your checkbook, debit cards, etc. desperate addicts do desperate things. perhaps ask yourself WHY you are choosing to eliminate one of your options. leaving an unsustainable situation should always be a choice. safety and sanity are precious.

ladyscribbler

That program costs almost 300 dollars. I hope it gives you what you're looking for.

I spent a long, long time not letting myself entertain the option of leaving, and I completely understand the desire to want to make things work with your fiancé and that feeling that no stone must be left unturned in the quest to fix things. I did think the same as you. I don't anymore, but I do remember, and I get.

Ultimately I had no choice but to leave. My kids and I weren't safe in that environment. My ex was also a binge drinker who deteriorated quickly, was unable to hold down a job or go to school, where he had once been highly successful.

I needed to get to the bottom of why I was willing to put myself and my children through that chaos. There are some threads here which do allow us to commiserate- "Quackers" for instance- but just continually complaining about him wouldn't have been helpful or productive for me. I needed to examine my own thinking and take ownership of my choices.

Needabreak

You know, this sounds to me a little bit like an alcoholic who suspects in the darker recesses of their mind that they have a problem with their drinking, but who have no intention of stopping, and they only want to hear from other people who are drinking and want to commiserate and vent about how awful it is that some people think they are heading in the wrong direction and just might need to take a look at themselves.

You are as unwell as he is. And instead of helping him, you may be causing some real harm to this man via your addiction to him and your need to fix him. What's that saying? 2 sickies don't make a wellie?

Whether you stay with him or not, please keep going to meetings and learning everything you can about codependence and enmeshment. You can't change him, but you can change yourself.