cairn

I am now sober almost two years. Had a hard urge to drink once last summer, and the thought arose while driving after some success between jobs of seemingly scientific curiosity whether it is true or false that i can never safely again have one or two drinks, and with that thought 'only one way to find out - try it! try it more than once!' as they say it in AA.

The notion passed but the curiosity remains, and i honestly cannot tell if it is 'rationalization' or sincere curiosity. Now that i typed that last sentence though, i see that at the base of it is : clearly some element of desire for a drink!

I had elected this year to make good on my debts toward people and also see if i could regain any workplace confidence/esteem. I am sorta out of debt on the books and did secure a bit of a position. But life continues and i have opinions about it all an
even some vague ambitions again, hopefully some of them slightly more mature than before.

I have MUCH less -uncomfortable- chronic fears and waking to face a day has been on the whole a bit more pleasant. I am of much more help to my own offspring, but I NEVER did resolve or repair any old broken relations because i could not find sincerity for their wellbeing inside of me anywhere and i don't want to be fraudulent.

I haven't learnt any more about 'prayer and meditation' and my character is still kinda shoddy, rough around the edges and pretty sloppy all in all, and i still tend to feel somehow superior to a BUNCH of people, sometimes ALL of them, but i hide that fact a little less, which to me represents a degree of improvement...and there's other little 'growing up' plusses...

But it has been all work and sleep and recover so you can work again, like auschwitz, ...

and i was really wanting there to be more to life than that

I guess it's time for another review and maybe change. Work season will wind down and i would prefer not to stagnate and

i still feel i must find out whether it is true that i cannot drink anything at all without the benders setting in.

****.

posting here because it was AA's message and indisputable goodwill in action that penetrated my consciousness and rendered me inexplicably sober in the first place.

faith not yet a working muscle for me. still lean mostly on self reliance, though i know it falls short of what i have seen in others.

anyway

the great experiment raises its head again - not the same old gripping urge, but the mental obsession once again...

Mountainmanbob

Growing up after a lifetime of drinking and other unmoral acts
can be a hard one -- still dealing with it here on the mountain.

The Good News
this truly is the sober life that I (we) always craved for.

MB

Sober369

It does sound like a first step issue to me. If you know that alcoholics can't drink without dire consequences, then if you knew for sure you were alcoholic, then you would know for sure you couldn't drink. At least that's how it seems to me. Maybe a little first step work would help? Write down what your alcoholism took from you, times you tried to quit and couldn't, that sort of thing. Then talk it over with another AA.
Hugs to you, I hope you feel better!

Gottalife

As far as a could tell, you made no mention of the steps. What progress have you made in this regard?

DayTrader

I've been exactly there.....same feelings.......same judgments going on.......same feeling that my faith is lacking..........same dependence on self mostly because I think I can do it and get away with it.

In my case, it all boils down to one thing - active alcoholism. No, I wasn't drinking, but alcoholism - that thing that makes my life so uncomfortable, unpleasant and ultimately painful that eventually I will go drink....whether I plan to or not, whether I decide not to or not, and whether I want to or not.

See, I "knew" I probably shouldn't feel that way.....shouldn't think that way.......but I didn't know how to stop it. Yup, "lack of power was my dilemma." I knew that stuff had to go but I couldn't seem to wish it away no matter how hard I tried.

I think it's on p52 - the manifestations of alcoholism - the things that when they're showing up in my life it's a good sign that I'm off the path: having trouble with relationships, experience misery, experiencing depression, feeling like I'm not making a good going at life in general, feeling like I'm alone and/or separate (prefect example - when i'm judging myself better than others that puts me in a spot all alone), feeling like I have potential but just can't seem to channel it. All that stuff, that's alcoholism. That's how my life gets when I'm playing God, calling my own shots, doing what I want and think is best, and not really living a spiritual life.

The good news is most of us can't take that for too long and we'll either end up drinking or recovering. If you want to recovery.....kudos. Smart choice. If you don't, and end up drinking, usually that's a pretty good sign that it's time to recover or else.

One of the keys in recovery is noticing when my alcoholism has regained control - usually by picking up on the manageability in my life BEFORE it turns into a drink - and taking corrective actions to get back into recovery and get back on that spiritual path. Generally that means, it's time to go through all 12 steps again. Re-take each and every one of them.

heh.....mattter of fact, that's right where I am now - about to, in a more formal manner than it's been for the past year or so, go through the book and all 12 steps again.

sugarbear1

Every time I felt that way I worked the steps with my sponsor again. Things can and do change. Today I am not the person I was last month, last year.....

We must keep our spirituality ahead of our alcoholism or alcoholism can rear it's ugly head again

SoberCAH

For me, the answer to my alcoholism and the improvement of my life and character has been working the steps first with a sponsor and afterward on a daily basis by myself.

And I ask God for a lot of help and guidance everyday.