cairn

I am now sober almost two years. Had a hard urge to drink once last summer, and the thought arose while driving after some success between jobs of seemingly scientific curiosity whether it is true or false that i can never safely again have one or two drinks, and with that thought 'only one way to find out - try it! try it more than once!' as they say it in AA.

The notion passed but the curiosity remains, and i honestly cannot tell if it is 'rationalization' or sincere curiosity. Now that i typed that last sentence though, i see that at the base of it is : clearly some element of desire for a drink!

I had elected this year to make good on my debts toward people and also see if i could regain any workplace confidence/esteem. I am sorta out of debt on the books and did secure a bit of a position. But life continues and i have opinions about it all an
even some vague ambitions again, hopefully some of them slightly more mature than before.

I have MUCH less -uncomfortable- chronic fears and waking to face a day has been on the whole a bit more pleasant. I am of much more help to my own offspring, but I NEVER did resolve or repair any old broken relations because i could not find sincerity for their wellbeing inside of me anywhere and i don't want to be fraudulent.

I haven't learnt any more about 'prayer and meditation' and my character is still kinda shoddy, rough around the edges and pretty sloppy all in all, and i still tend to feel somehow superior to a BUNCH of people, sometimes ALL of them, but i hide that fact a little less, which to me represents a degree of improvement...and there's other little 'growing up' plusses...

But it has been all work and sleep and recover so you can work again, like auschwitz, ...

and i was really wanting there to be more to life than that

I guess it's time for another review and maybe change. Work season will wind down and i would prefer not to stagnate and

i still feel i must find out whether it is true that i cannot drink anything at all without the benders setting in.

****.

posting here because it was AA's message and indisputable goodwill in action that penetrated my consciousness and rendered me inexplicably sober in the first place.

faith not yet a working muscle for me. still lean mostly on self reliance, though i know it falls short of what i have seen in others.

anyway

the great experiment raises its head again - not the same old gripping urge, but the mental obsession once again...