I've been exactly there.....same feelings.......same judgments going on.......same feeling that my faith is lacking..........same dependence on self mostly because I think I can do it and get away with it.
In my case, it all boils down to one thing - active alcoholism. No, I wasn't drinking, but alcoholism - that thing that makes my life so uncomfortable, unpleasant and ultimately painful that eventually I will go drink....whether I plan to or not, whether I decide not to or not, and whether I want to or not.
See, I "knew" I probably shouldn't feel that way.....shouldn't think that way.......but I didn't know how to stop it. Yup, "lack of power was my dilemma." I knew that stuff had to go but I couldn't seem to wish it away no matter how hard I tried.
I think it's on p52 - the manifestations of alcoholism - the things that when they're showing up in my life it's a good sign that I'm off the path: having trouble with relationships, experience misery, experiencing depression, feeling like I'm not making a good going at life in general, feeling like I'm alone and/or separate (prefect example - when i'm judging myself better than others that puts me in a spot all alone), feeling like I have potential but just can't seem to channel it. All that stuff, that's alcoholism. That's how my life gets when I'm playing God, calling my own shots, doing what I want and think is best, and not really living a spiritual life.
The good news is most of us can't take that for too long and we'll either end up drinking or recovering. If you want to recovery.....kudos. Smart choice. If you don't, and end up drinking, usually that's a pretty good sign that it's time to recover or else.
One of the keys in recovery is noticing when my alcoholism has regained control - usually by picking up on the manageability in my life BEFORE it turns into a drink - and taking corrective actions to get back into recovery and get back on that spiritual path. Generally that means, it's time to go through all 12 steps again. Re-take each and every one of them.
heh.....mattter of fact, that's right where I am now - about to, in a more formal manner than it's been for the past year or so, go through the book and all 12 steps again.