tired090909

Hello. I don't even know where to start. I met this girl in Europe (I was working there at the time). We maintained a long distant relationship for a while then she came down to on a work visa. To be honest, I knew she had some issues with alcohol in the past but I had no idea of the extent.

Anyway fast forward 3 months after her arrival and my world is upside down. She started drinking week one and its non-stop. I have had to call an ambulance twice because I was so worried. I have taken her to the hospital twice but they say there is nothing they can do unless she is serious about quitting.

I have broken up with her and asked her to leave my apartment. She has refused. I have offered her money so she can go home and resettle but still no go.

I really don't know what to do at this point. She says she would rather go to a shelter than go back home. Home would be to her mother's house. Her mother is ready to take her in.

She drinks everyday. I find empty bottles in the apartment. She is not working. I was fully able and willing to support her for however long it took for her to get a job.

I am just really tired and miserable at this point. I don't know what to do anymore. Earlier today, she threatened suicide. I calmed her down but I now think that I should have perhaps just called the police or ambulance.

Please help. She is ruining my life. I don't want to put her out in the streets. She has her mother to go to but she won't go. I am starting to suspect now that she may have mental issues and the addiction is a side effect.

On another note, I am actually moving house in 2 weeks. This was planned before her arrival. I desperately do not want to take her to my new home. I just want a fresh start. I want to be able to breathe again.

AnvilheadII

so if she was on a WORK visa and she is no longer WORKING, then doesn't that mean she goes home? whether she wants to or not? isn't that how it works?

tired090909

No she was not working. She has been job searching. I'm in Canada. This visa is an agreement with a few European countries. It's basically an 12 month open ended visa not attached to any employer.

maia1234

T,
I am sorry for all the problems you are having with your girlfriend. I hate to say but some addicts just don't get it and make their enablers responsible for them. You owe her nothing. Give her 5 days to be out and change the locks. If she threatens to commit suicide, call 911.

If you cut off the house, food, alcohol and everything else she is receiving from you, she probably will go home. I had a friend who took in another friend because she felt sorry for her. The friend wouldn't leave and the owner of the home offered her a ticket home also just to get rid of her. Finally the home owner dropped her off at a homeless shelter and left.

It is tough love, but she knows that she has a mom who will help her. If not maybe she will get a job and support herself. Sorry, but tough love is needed for your sanity. Hugs!!

WhiteFeathers

That sounds crazy!!!

Not to be harsh, but if she decides to move into a shelter, then let her move into a shelter. She probably won't be able to drink there though.

If you move into a new apartment, there's no way she has to move with you.

Have you spoken with her mother? Maybe her mother doesn't understand the extent of her daughter's problems.

Maudcat

Hi, tired. Welcome.
Sorry for your trouble.
I don't know anything about visas, so can't speak to that.
You have asked her to leave. She has declined.
You have offered her money. She has declined.
Trust me, she won't want to go to a shelter.
What she wants to do is drink at your place.
Don't know about suicide. She may just be saying that; she may not.
I am sure that others with more legal experience will weigh in soon.
I would suggest consulting with an attorney .
You may be able to get a protective order that forces her to leave.
It's sounding to me that if she will not go, you may need to get law enforcement involved.
Ugly and sordid, I know.
Good luck.

Maudcat

Like the idea of calling 911 next time she threatens suicide.
The hospital may keep her for a bit, which will give you breathing room.

Smarie78

I've been there. It's a nightmare feeling stuck with an addict in your house. The only thing that worked was after several refusals to leave, calling the police to get him out. It sucks, but if I didn't he'd be drinking at my house until he either died there or destroyed my home rendering me a prisoner in my own place. He was lucky they didn't arrest him because as soon as he saw them he left voluntarily. She may not think you're serious about leaving until you get police involved. That's a quick way to get her attention that you're serious!

She's so lucky she has a mother ready to take her in. If you're like me feeling she is your responsibility, you don't have to. Does her mom live locally or back in Europe? Either way she has family that is willing to care for her. Much better than a man she's been with only a few months (no offense!). Better for the both of you.

She has options, she just doesn't like them because with you it's a free ride to waste away and drink. Think of it this way, getting her out by any means necessary is actually the most loving thing you can do for her (and you!). Trust me I kept my Abf comfy drinking in my home for years. It just got worse. Addicts must be sober for any place to take them (any public place). Do you both a favor. Let her know your calling police if she isn't out by such and such time. If suicide threat call ambulance (that's also a loving act! calling ambulance). Then lock your doors and let her find her way to her mom. She will go when she has to. Make it so she has to.

Best wishes. I know how hard and scary it is.

Smarie78

Also, I use to feel like that about putting Abf in streets ...but there are shelters if he chose to stop drinking. The rule was always, you can stay but no booze. Even sober houses and shelters have those rules. It's then up to the addict to choose a roof over their head or booze. I had my BF call me today begging to stay by me because he's been sleeping in a forest preserve. He wasn't sober and couldn't trust him to be so I said no. He may or may not be in a park right now, but if he were at my home he'd be drinking or if not, thinking he COULD and I would make that easy for him.

Took me years to say no even if I knew he was "on the streets", but so necessary for my own sanity and the slightest possibility that things would be bad enough for him to consider sobriety.

tired090909

This is an amazing community. I really felt like I had nowhere to turn. Thank you.

I do feel guilty that she came here for me but I really have done everything for her. I even pay for weekly sessions with a therapist.

Her mother is in Europe but of course I will pay for her ticket home.

Forward12

That is a good thing you are moving soon and make it clear to her she isn't coming with you. If she is threatening suicide, let her know you'll call the police and they can take her to psych ward.
Most importantly stand your ground, if she would rather live at the homeless shelter, so be it. I can pretty much guarantee she'll be on the next flight home once the enabling has stopped.

Hangnbyathread

In the U.S. you'd have to evict her since your apt is now her residence.

Not sure how that is in Canada.

Here's another thought.

Rather than paying her to leave, why not simply explain to your landlord you'd like to move to another unit.

Or move if you're not in a lease.

You move, and don't take her. You don't have to let her come with. Then the police could keep her away from your new residence.

atalose

Given the fact, she does not want to go back to live with her mother, I am guessing and not to hurt your feelings here that she came here because than she could be free to drink as she wished.

She has options here, she is just choosing not to use them and instead keep you hostage to her and her alcohol addiction.

You are moving soon, she does not need to move with you. You are NOT responsible for her, you had a short-lived dating relationship that has not worked out and it is time to end it whether she likes it or not.

It was a dating experience not a jail sentence!

If you dated someone else who came to stay with you, it didn’t work out, you ended the relationship and asked her to leave, and she refused how would you handle that? Do not let the alcohol issue make you handle this differently.

tomsteve

she came her for you? and YOURE doing everything for her?
i dont think she came here for you. she could have thought the geographical relocation program would fix her.might have thought a relationship would fix her.
seems i read this in your OP,"To be honest, I knew she had some issues with alcohol in the past but I had no idea of the extent."
maybe even you thought you could fix her?
time for ya to look out for #1- YOU.
start by stopping feeling guilty.
you didnt cause it
you cant control it
you cant cure it.

hopeful4

I personally would print out a list with any local shelters and free treatment plans that could help her with phone numbers and addresses. I would offer her the money to go to her moms, and if she wont' go, give her the list and that's it.

When you move, absolutely under no circumstances should you take her, or give her a key or access in any way.

It sounds harsh, but you cannot make someone who does not want help get help.

So sorry.

tired090909

I ended up having to take her to a hospital last night and spent most of the night there. She had written a 'goodbye' letter to her mother. The doctor assessed her and determined she was not at risk. They directed her to resources providing free treatment for addiction and depression.

At this point she says she will leave at the end of the month. Her plan is to visit a 'friend' in the U.S. She met this girlfriend at a bar a few weeks ago so she hardly knows her. I'm trying to convince here that it's not a good idea but she won't listen.

hopeful4

She is not at a point that she is ready for recovery it sounds to me. So you will have to come to a point of letting go if you truly want that. You cannot control her choices and decide for her, she's a grown adult.

I guess what I am saying is that you cannot say, "Get out, but do this." If she is going to leave, she has the right to decide what to do next, even if it's a bad decision.

I am sorry.

firebolt

Just sending you some much needed clarity, strength and peace. You deserve it!

healthyagain

You are doing way too much for her. I am sooo sorry. It just seems to me that she is toying with you and blackmailing you emotionally. What if you break up with her, does not she realize that you are not obliged at all to pamper her? I honestly do not know much about the immigration system in Canada, bud generally speaking these guys tend to be strict in every country, so if she breaks any rules, she will have to leave. It is her obligation to maintain her immigrant status and visa properly.

tired090909

You're right. She is an adult. My concern is whether she is mentally capable of making sound decisions. Her behavior and a history of depression makes me suspicious.

If she is not capable then I feel like I have some sort of obligation to make sure she is alright.