jazzfish

It is frequently stated that stopping drinking isn't always enough to be happy in sobriety. I find that the early days of sobriety are difficult to achieve, but very easy to enjoy because the improvements and healing are happening at a pretty rapid rate. (That doesn't mean they're always enjoyable though.) But what about long-term? How did you get past the 'missing out', 'life is dull', 'I'm lonely', and 'I'm irritated with everything' parts of sobriety to find general happiness with it? What was the extra that you did?

BrendaChenowyth

It's usually finding new wayS to cope with stress. You can't take alcohol out of the equation and expect that to work, you have to replace it with something.

FreeOwl

Everything.

I mean, some things I'd always done and kept doing. But even those things changed in the light of sobriety.

I began living everything with greater presence, clarity, consciousness.

I spent time in therapy.... not about drinking but about life. I participated in some men's retreat work. Not about sobriety but about authenticity and maturity and intimacy with others.

I began exploring who I really am inside.... through creative expression and engaging with other creative, authentic people.

I became honest. Most notably with myself.

I began moving more into a real expression of and appreciation for Spirit. I went to a lot of sunrises and sunsets. I expressed gratitude regularly.

I attended a lot of AA meetings.

I read the Big Book. Over and over again.

I spent lots of time learning and sharing here on SR.

I exercised more. Ran more. Biked more. Spent more simple time in nature.

I did lots of new things, and did many 'old things' with new eyes and new heart.

At first, I really just 'quit drinking'. But gradually what I did was 'start living'.

Berrybean

By the time I was 6 months sober I'd already been going to AA meetings for 5 months, but was very resistant to getting a sponsor and trusting them, or doing the step work. I convinced myself I wasn't 'alcoholic enough' to need to do that. But, eventually the restless, irritable and discontent feelings and the resentments, inner rage, grief over things that happened years ago, anxiety about what might happen in the future, and self loathing for every thing I'd ever done wrong, drunk or sober finally got too much to cope with. For a short while I thought my choices were to either drink again or to kill myself, and I was trying to decide which would be best. I prayed every night that I wouldn't wake up the next morning. I was sober, and I was alive, but it wasn't what I'd call 'Living Sober'. Then I remembered that of course I did have another option. I went to meetings and listened to people talking get about how the 12-step recovery program had helped them learn to deal with life sober. So I finally decided to stop being such a special snowflake and try actually taking advice from those people who had healthy long term sobriety (2 decades of it in the case of my sponsor), and actually work the program and apply it to my day to day life, just as suggested in the book - and if that didn't work, THEN reconsider drinking again or killing myself. Thankfully i didnt have to reconsider either of those options, because that's when I started getting better.

Have you looked at the links on Dee's thread about making a recovery plan? Might be worth going through for some ideas... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-2.html

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

madgirl

Free Owl and Berrybean - wow, beautiful posts. Thank you both.

red3215

There are a lot of things to enjoy in life. I like finding the humor in everything. It's always there. Sometimes when I get mad I stop for a second and realize my situation is actually pretty funny.
I also surround myself with uplifting people and avoid toxic ones.

Bird615

I used to be very cynical and dark with a bleak outlook on life.

AA's 12 Step program and the spiritual beliefs I gained there opened the door to even further exploration and discovery; learning acceptance and how to live life on life's terms helped to turn my perception around.

It hasn't been a smooth and easy path and didn't happen overnight; I spent a lot of years backsliding into darkness followed by a relapse. When I surrendered and quit trying to run the show once again, I returned to the spiritual path and continued my exploration.

And much like when I first got sober, my perception began to shift until I could begin to see a world open up to me that I never knew existed. It's freedom--a world in which I no longer need alcohol to be content and happy.

nmd

8I think it's a little different for everyone and it isn't necessarily tied to addiction. That for me is an important point. Self improvement and self discovery can exist on a different timeline.

I have a wonderful wife and family, everything I could possibly want really. In some sense I found happiness while drinking or despite drinking. Life can be a challenge while sober or drinking. My addiction was working on taking everything away from me though and I had to learn that drinking doesnt make things better. A glass of wine doesn't make dinner better. A beer doesn't make my kids arguing or stress from work better. Life is wonderful and I can appreciate it for what it is. If I spend all my time looking for life+1, I'm in fact missing out on what is already there.

tomsteve

"What, if anything, was the "extra" you changed to find happiness in sobriety?'
only me and my attitudes

Fusion

When I joined SR last year, I too was feeling suicidal. I'd lost hope. I'd tried recovery group step programs, twice, to no avail. I was told that my failure was 'because I wasn't a proper alcoholic' and that I wouldn't be humble enough and prostrate myself before G-d. 'G-d I can't even manage to be an alcoholic properly, I might as well continue drinking, because even G-d doesn't like me and won't save me ', said my AV.

My solution to this horrendous addiction was found here on SR, in Secular Connections. It's called RR AVRT. As a consequence I will never drink again.

That's freedom. Freedom to clear the wreckage of my addicted couple of decades, ending up all day, everyday, fifth of vodka equivalent, nearly 3 bottles of wine.

So, the question is what do I do with this freedom, now that alcohol is off the table? Firstly, accepting that alcohol the drug, holds no comfort for me. It was probably over a quarter of a decade ago that I drank a couple of drinks only to receive that warm, fuzzy feeling at celebratory occasions. Therefore, after making my Big Plan, alcohol is off the table forever, no more yearning for it to relieve boredom, stress etc.

Secondly, the 'extra I changed' was discovery and action. Part 'rediscovering' previous enjoyments (wildlife watching, gardening, trees, hiking, dog training, sailing, horse-riding) and part 'discovering' new enjoyments (caving, painting, drawing, puzzles/games on my iPad, buying fresh food, planning meals and cooking from scratch, making fresh -frozen ready meals for when time is short, feeding the wild birds, reading SR, long soaks in the bath, star and planet spotting at night, listening to the Owls hoot, watching bats fly.........the little things in life, too).

When I was a drinker, I sat indoors day and night, oblivious to the beauty of nature around me.

I view my sobriety as a new lease of life and I aim to not waste a minute of it. I thank the G-d of my understanding for the fact that I'm still alive and able to enjoy some sober years. Just siting doing nothing is a pleasure, because I'm clear-headed and don't feel sick.

I'm sorry if I come across too Pollyanna-ish, but I'm determined to aspire to a positive mindset, as it's so effective for me.

Mizzuno

Thanks for this post. Its important to know that I will feel the "missing" like I have in the past. Changing ourselves internally will produce success. These responses are spectacular.

Soberwolf

Being prepared to change who I was

thomas11

Probably the biggest change I've made is I joined a gym. I was a gym rat as a kid and I love the atmosphere and working out. Its helped not only my physical health but my mental health as well.

aasharon90

Using my program of recovery as my
guideline to do the footwork needed
to leave my 1st marriage with struggles
in communication and understanding
and returning home to Baton Rouge,
my forever home with familiarity and
awesome culture.

I'm sober, happy, grounded, remarried
and most of all blessed.

August252015

Yep, and my faith.

"If the problem isn't me, there is no solution."

Quitting drinking cold turkey last Feb was just the first part. Living a recovered life was and is my goal and that's where my spirit, then my actions, lie. So far, the very real, wonderful, full, sometimes challenging and hard, always rewarding and worth it life I have and work toward is beyond anything I could have imagined. And completely different than anything I'd have imagined or predicted.

SeaOfSerenity

CBT is helping for me.
recognising and changing my thought processes. its gradual but I have definitely noticed a positive influence on how I think leading to better decisions and as a result, less stress

2ndhandrose

So much this ^^^^^^^

Things really changed when I started to take responsibility for myself and stopped looking "outside" for the cause of my troubles.

"If I can't see my part in it, then there is no problem" I love this quote, August (k, I didn't get it exact )

It has taken me the better part of 2 years to really get this; for the understanding of it to sink into my being, but it has been a real aha moment, a "moment" of change that happened bit by bit.

jazzfish

Thanks for this and I think this gives more guidance. Sometimes I'll see something that says, "I had to change everything," which for me doesn't give any guidance as to what specifically to change and more importantly how to bring about those changes.

PhoenixJ

The spark of life. Have spoken of that b4. Much later- when safe, although sceptical I went to 'art therapy' in the recovery program I am now at the tail end of. About 6 months ago. Something inside me woke up. With an apparent raw talent- I use art as a serious medium to find out what I truly am. Every colour, theme, brush stroke. The way I paint- the colours I mix. A visual journal. I am surrounded by my masterpieces (!) now. They speak to me. From this I learn, grow and share. I become more mindful and aware- of connections between me and everything that is not me. I have learnt more about myself- thus more about being compassionate. I do it when I want to and do not want to. It is a window into my essence, my soul. Hard to describe. I am a better person for it- I know this with humility and a raised and mature self esteem.
Addiction still sucks, it is crap and I hate it- and myself at times too.

Venecia

That's lovely, Phoenix.

Jazzfish, one of the things that I learned somewhat early in sobriety is that it is not my one-way ticket to unfettered happiness. What I found instead was that I could accept a level sense of contentment, knowing that sometimes the needle would move into the happy zone. And sometimes, I'd still be sad.

Random thoughts:

- Find something you enjoy. For me, it's photography. One of the reasons that Phoenix's post resonated with me is that his work has a tangible result. The same with photography. It can be rewarding.

- Nature. I have found far greater peace in nature as a sober person. Before, it was as if I couldn't allow myself to feel peaceful because there was a big asterisk attached to it. I'm not far from your neck of the woods. Some of the loveliest nature around. Willow River Falls, the St. Croix Valley, Interstate Park. You've got a rich smorgasbord right at your fingertips.

- And, finally, therapy. Sobriety and recovery brought tremendous improvements to my life. But for me -- and I suspect many who were addicted -- there was more work to do. I've found great help in spending time in therapy and working toward goals set in it.