BonScottish

I have been going to mandatory AA 5 times a week, talking to a sponsor, and meeting with a therapist once a week. Sun-Thur I am sober. Fri-Sat I am bingeing. I have been doing this consistently since the weekend of Halloween. AA is the only show in town as far as therapy. I am a atheist too. I have been lying to everyone in the recovery network. I lie to my therapist, sponsor, work, and family. I know when I am in a meeting I am going to drink.

This past weekend was big wake up for me. I hit a bottom. 60 beers, 2 bottles of wine, and a pack of smokes. I missed out on required engagements I scheduled due to being so hangover.

I am tired of lying. I am tired of being told what to do in my recovery. I lack the network of like minded addicts I feel. That sounds funny right? I recently bought the AVRT book, Refuge Recovery book, and I am always searching through the muck of recovery knowledge out there...seeking something that resonates with me. I even started researching the Satanic bible. I do feel a sense of freedom and hope when looking through these secular / non theistic approaches to recovery. It's just when the weekend hits....my boredom and addictive voice win every time.

I don't really have any questions...I just wanted to vent a little.

Thanks.

NewRomanMan

If you know when you are in a meeting you are going to drink then meetings are utterly pointless for you. I would add however, that being a theist or an atheist or even an agnostic has absolutely nothing to do with recovery, IMHO. You certainly don't have to believe in God, Jesus, Allah, Satan or anyone else to go to an AA meeting. Be your own higher power if you choose. Doesn't matter. The only requirement is a desire to stop drinking. Just be honest. Lying never helped me accomplish anything. But to each their own. I wish you well.

Maudcat

It sounds like you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. How about putting that to work? Sober Saturday. Just Saturday. Let Sunday take care of itself. Don't drink on Saturday.

Algorithm

You are program shopping instead of quitting drinking, BonScottish, hoping to find something that "works" for you. You've tried rehab, AA, and a few other approaches to rid yourself of the desire to drink.

Your AV is almost certainly arguing that since nothing works for everyone, that probably nothing will work for you, but in the meantime, go ahead and drink until you find something that takes away the desire to drink.

Of course, drinking only increases the desire to drink, so that game is not rigged in your favor. I recommend quitting first, and then going shopping for lifestyle changes to handle boredom.

What is your plan for future alcohol use?

BonScottish

I like that. That is a goal of mine. To not drink this Saturday.

BonScottish

Yea that makes a lot of sense. My plan is not to drink this weekend.

BonScottish

Funny morning for me. Woke up and still felt the anxiety of this past weekend. It's dwindling thankfully. After I showered and got dressed I had about 45 min before I had to go to work. So I got my Refuge Recovery book out and read a chapter. The chapter was on "impermanence". Nothing last forever. Not even the high or buzz. In other words "this sh*t won't last forever". The book says this is why we indulge. Our addictive mind can't tolerate impermanence. The silver lining in this, is the fact that it can be used to our advantage. The fact that this sh*t won't last forever is true even in our darkest moments. The chapter closed with replacing the need or survival instinct of clinging, grasping, and attachment with a wise response of non clinging, non attachment, and compassion.

After that I picked up my Rational Recovery book and just randomly opened it up. It happened to fall on the chapter of "Making the Big Plan". Ironic. In my opinion making the Big Plan ties so much into the chapter I read in the Refuge Recovery on "Impermanence". Learning to put aside the need to keep something forever. The need to let go of attachment. The Beast knows and listens. Our mind doesn't want to let go. It wants the party to last forever. The fact of saying the word NEVER is so damn daunting right? For me it is. The Beast says "no man...you can't do it....our lives will be so much boring if you stop". However resonating throughout that is our own voice. Our intuition. Jack Trempey says "intuition is the display of intelligence in which the correct answer or solution to a problem materializes without evidence, proof, or structured reasoning". I vibe with that so much.

That is my voice. The smart voice. The voice of wanting to let go and accept because this sh*t can't go on forever. I will die or lead to someone else's death possibly. Or just live a life of constant suffering through addiction. I realize also that by making a big plan and/or living a life of impermanence that it may or may not lead to a better life. The only guarantees is that I will be abstinent and the any source of suffering I experience will not be due to substance abuse.

I'm off my break and gotta go back into the grinder. Just wanted to share this. Hope you all are well.

Maudcat

Thanks, Bon. I have been reading about Refuge Recovery. I am intrigued. How do you like it?

freshstart57

That is some wise stuff there, Bon. I thought about your words on accepting impermanence and embracing change, and I see that my life has changed so dramatically since I made my Big Plan over 5 years ago now. I have phrased it before as making 'yes' my default response when given an opportunity to try something new. My life now is more varied and richer than I ever thought possible when I was drinking. And it all started by saying, as you did, All right, that's the end of this. I have had enough. I demand more and better, and nothing will stop me.

Well done, Bon. You are headed in the right direction. Onward!

PhoenixJ

zerothehero

I am reminded of this from the book The Sacred Path of the Warrior in a chapter called Fear and Fearlessness:

"There are innumerable strategies that we use to take our minds off of fear. Some people take tranquilizers. Some people do yoga. Some people watch television or read a magazine or go to a bar to have a beer. From the coward's point of view, boredom should be avoided, because when we are bored we begin to feel anxious. We are getting closer to our fear...

"Fear has to be acknowledged. We have to realize our fear and reconcile ourselves with fear. We should look at how we move, how we talk, how we conduct ourselves, how we chew our nails, how we sometimes put our hands in our pockets uselessly. Then we will find something out about how fear is expressed in the form of restlessness. We must face the fact that fear is lurking in our lives, always, in everything we do.

"On the other hand, acknowledging fear is not a cause for depression or discouragement. Because we possess such fear, we also are potentially entitled to experience fearlessness. True fearlessness is not the reduction of fear, but going beyond fear....

"Going beyond fear begins when we examine our fear: our anxiety, nervousness, concern, and restlessness. If we look into our fear, if we look beneath its veneer, the first thing we find is sadness, beneath the nervousness. Nervousness is cranking up, vibrating, all the time. When we slow down, when we relax with our fear, we find sadness, which is calm and gentle. Sadness hits you in your heart, and your body produces a tear. Before you cry, there is a feeling in your chest and then, after that, you produce tears in your eyes. You are about to produce rain or a waterfall in your eyes and you feel sad and lonely, and perhaps romantic at the same time. That is the first tip of fearlessness, and the first sign of real warriorship."

shockozulu

Just wanted you to know that I have people in my SMART online meetings that go to AA and SMART. They can sign court cards IIRC so I would ask the Judge. Even if the judge nixes the idea, you can sit through the meetings and go to SMART Online meetings as well. Just throwing it out there.