SaveYourHeart

Hey y'all. I've been off the grid for a little while, mostly out of disappointment in myself for not holding firm to my boundaries. I feel like my problems aren't big enough to share, that I should keep them to myself especially since I refuse to do anything about them. I know that it's not completely rational, but that's how I feel.

I've been struggling a lot lately with myself. I'm struggling with the steps, I feel like I can't even master the first one. I'm struggling with balancing the different portions of my life. I'm struggling with my confidence and love for myself. I'm struggling with what I want, what I need, and what I deserve.

On top of struggling about myself, my little office cat was dead in the road last week. I had gotten up early to get him his favorite treats so that I could get some coffee in me and give him some loving before the work day started. It was devastating. I watched as dozens of cars ran over his lifeless body without even trying to avoid him. I had to scrape him out of the road by myself and it was just as horrific as I expected it to be. It's strange to feel this immense amount of grief for a cat I've only known for a couple of years. I don't think I was this grief stricken when my grandfather died. I think it has a lot to do with closure, and I clearly didn't get that with him. I missed the last three alanon meetings. I just didn't feel up to going.

I don't know what I'm looking for in this post. I think I need to start shopping for a therapist.

Poppy79

So sorry to hear about your struggles
Finding a great therapist will be good I think, it's healthy to unload emotions especially to someone equipped to give you tools and suggestions on how to cope.
Maybe try this:- look in the mirror every morning and say some positive affirmations such as 'I am a wonderful being, I am deserving of great experiences, I am worthy'. It's hard to do at first but does get easier and I find it helps me

ladyscribbler

You are doing something though. You're living, you're allowing yourself to experience emotions instead of trying to stuff them, you're thinking, you're reading, experimenting with boundaries and you're living in the toughest space of all- the "in-between." That period of mounting acceptance that leads to action.

And action doesn't always mean you pack your bags and hop on the first bus out of town. Action can mean thinking about starting therapy and maybe looking up a few names of providers in your network. Action can mean slipping away to an Al Anon meeting or sneaking in some self care.
Progress, not perfection. When you look back you will see how far you've really come during this time that it felt like you weren't getting anywhere.
Sending hugs. I'm so sorry about your office kitty buddy. That's really sad.

SaveYourHeart

Thanks guys, I just feel very broken right now. Hopefully it will pass.

CaptainM

SaveYourHeart - sending you positive vibes. Be gentle on yourself. Just like Lady said, maybe you can go to an Alanon meeting or do some extra reading around here.

Personally, I've been going through last year's "Language of Letting Go" each day, and have found it to be a great help and boost: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html