Struggling.
Hey y'all. I've been off the grid for a little while, mostly out of disappointment in myself for not holding firm to my boundaries. I feel like my problems aren't big enough to share, that I should keep them to myself especially since I refuse to do anything about them. I know that it's not completely rational, but that's how I feel.
I've been struggling a lot lately with myself. I'm struggling with the steps, I feel like I can't even master the first one. I'm struggling with balancing the different portions of my life. I'm struggling with my confidence and love for myself. I'm struggling with what I want, what I need, and what I deserve.
On top of struggling about myself, my little office cat was dead in the road last week. I had gotten up early to get him his favorite treats so that I could get some coffee in me and give him some loving before the work day started. It was devastating. I watched as dozens of cars ran over his lifeless body without even trying to avoid him. I had to scrape him out of the road by myself and it was just as horrific as I expected it to be. It's strange to feel this immense amount of grief for a cat I've only known for a couple of years. I don't think I was this grief stricken when my grandfather died. I think it has a lot to do with closure, and I clearly didn't get that with him. I missed the last three alanon meetings. I just didn't feel up to going.
I don't know what I'm looking for in this post. I think I need to start shopping for a therapist.