Christmas Day Journal & first steps
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 12
Christmas Day Journal & first steps
I'm new here. I want to write down some of my thoughts & commit to them.
I've been really unhealthy with my drinking progressively these past 3 years after I had a panic attack at work. I was planning on doing Dryuary with my boyfriend in January (no alcohol for a month), and was working on abstaining in the days leading up to Christmas. But I traveled to my parents' house for the holidays and have been drinking whiskey here quite a bit (and the occasional bottle of red wine). I woke up this morning feeling both like I had a cold (sore throat, achey) and feeling waves of my heart beating very fast and then anxiety about if I was going to die because of it. It was terrible... I have an Apple Watch & I kept looking at my heart rate to convince myself I was going to be okay.
I was looking through this forum after researching alcohol induced heart palpitations. I know that too much alcohol is bad for you. I know that what I am doing is unhealthy, but I guess I didn't realize all the problems alcohol abuse causes. I'm 31. I've started to notice little spots of itchy psoriasis? on my legs or shoulders that will pop up from time to time that I've never had before. My skin is also a lot drier than it used to be. I'm sure there is stuff going on that I can't see that I've done to myself too.
Right now I'm feeling kindof down & overwhelmed. I'm a very high-achieving person. I'm also a "happy drunk". I get really happy & talkative rather than turning into a monster so I think not being mean or sloppy or throwing up makes it less noticeable. My boyfriend has talked with me 3 times now expressing concern. We threw out all of the alcohol in our house. I had been hiding bottles in my dresser which I am definitely not proud of.
I think struggling with anxiety over my future and stress if I'm doing all the stuff I should be doing. Drinking "turns it off" for awhile. The funny thing is that when I drink I do so much less with my life. I have a job in the arts & I used to paint outside of work- I don't anymore. (I was blaming it on work schedule). 3 years ago I also ran my first marathon & I was really proud of myself. I haven't been running or training the way I used to.
I might add more to this as I think of things. This is my first step to being healthy again..
-K
I've been really unhealthy with my drinking progressively these past 3 years after I had a panic attack at work. I was planning on doing Dryuary with my boyfriend in January (no alcohol for a month), and was working on abstaining in the days leading up to Christmas. But I traveled to my parents' house for the holidays and have been drinking whiskey here quite a bit (and the occasional bottle of red wine). I woke up this morning feeling both like I had a cold (sore throat, achey) and feeling waves of my heart beating very fast and then anxiety about if I was going to die because of it. It was terrible... I have an Apple Watch & I kept looking at my heart rate to convince myself I was going to be okay.
I was looking through this forum after researching alcohol induced heart palpitations. I know that too much alcohol is bad for you. I know that what I am doing is unhealthy, but I guess I didn't realize all the problems alcohol abuse causes. I'm 31. I've started to notice little spots of itchy psoriasis? on my legs or shoulders that will pop up from time to time that I've never had before. My skin is also a lot drier than it used to be. I'm sure there is stuff going on that I can't see that I've done to myself too.
Right now I'm feeling kindof down & overwhelmed. I'm a very high-achieving person. I'm also a "happy drunk". I get really happy & talkative rather than turning into a monster so I think not being mean or sloppy or throwing up makes it less noticeable. My boyfriend has talked with me 3 times now expressing concern. We threw out all of the alcohol in our house. I had been hiding bottles in my dresser which I am definitely not proud of.
I think struggling with anxiety over my future and stress if I'm doing all the stuff I should be doing. Drinking "turns it off" for awhile. The funny thing is that when I drink I do so much less with my life. I have a job in the arts & I used to paint outside of work- I don't anymore. (I was blaming it on work schedule). 3 years ago I also ran my first marathon & I was really proud of myself. I haven't been running or training the way I used to.
I might add more to this as I think of things. This is my first step to being healthy again..
-K
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 12
I'm reading through people's stories. Some of this stuff is terrifying... (but thank you all for sharing) It's definitely helping me to realize how unhealthy my behavior has been and what can happen to me if I continue down this path.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,680
K3- hi there, welcome and thanks. My stuff here is based on me- I do not judge, just reflect on me.
Panic attack, unhealthy, drinking progressively, want to abstain, drinking whiskey lots, anxiety, heart palpitations, awareness of hangover, 'I know what I am doing is unhealthy', 'I guess I did not realise', skin-dry, red, rashy (?), overwhelmed, I drink- yes, BUT I am a happy DRUNK. As opposed to a 'normal' person who has a drink and is happy? Your bf spoken to you 3 times. You counted? He is your parent? Hiding alcohol- why? Searched the house for alcohol- not normal to need to search for it. Struggling- stress, anxiety- future. Drinking disconnects you with your feelings, What is the 'funny' thing about underachieving?
I used to paint- I do not. That has to hurt- I paint in recovery to reconnect and I know what it means to me. I am empathy filled for you if drinking takes over from that. You are in the arts- not just a job- a passion? So you work in the arts, do art as a passion- but do not paint any more because you work in the arts? Not training for marathon- you said 3 years ago- does that correspond with a drinking history? I am reflecting these questions as if I am talking to myself. I see patterns- words like 'kind of' and 'funny'- softening the blow- my way of rationalising- no I am not an alcoholic- I am high functioning, I am a happy drunk, I was just.....
At the end of the day- I drank when I knew I should not have and because of that there was collateral damage. A lot of it.. Don't let it go there. Perhaps get some professional help- go to AA and learn more. I used to try and escape the thought of being not able to drink normally. Then I would drink more because of the 'stress' in pretending I could drink like everyone else- the hiding bit. You said 'makes it less noticeable', so it can be noticed? I was so caught up in not being noticed- (how clever I was, how smart to get away with drinking- I won, they don't know- I am drinking)
A lot there. Your narrative says you have a problem with alcohol. The red flags are up and you have knowledge. What you do with that precious info is up to you. Such knowledge is a gift.
Keep sharing- no judgements at SR. All just stumbling along in the dark- sharing, getting and offering support. There is also a ladies only thread. I'm a guy btw. Prayers to you and your family. PJ
Panic attack, unhealthy, drinking progressively, want to abstain, drinking whiskey lots, anxiety, heart palpitations, awareness of hangover, 'I know what I am doing is unhealthy', 'I guess I did not realise', skin-dry, red, rashy (?), overwhelmed, I drink- yes, BUT I am a happy DRUNK. As opposed to a 'normal' person who has a drink and is happy? Your bf spoken to you 3 times. You counted? He is your parent? Hiding alcohol- why? Searched the house for alcohol- not normal to need to search for it. Struggling- stress, anxiety- future. Drinking disconnects you with your feelings, What is the 'funny' thing about underachieving?
I used to paint- I do not. That has to hurt- I paint in recovery to reconnect and I know what it means to me. I am empathy filled for you if drinking takes over from that. You are in the arts- not just a job- a passion? So you work in the arts, do art as a passion- but do not paint any more because you work in the arts? Not training for marathon- you said 3 years ago- does that correspond with a drinking history? I am reflecting these questions as if I am talking to myself. I see patterns- words like 'kind of' and 'funny'- softening the blow- my way of rationalising- no I am not an alcoholic- I am high functioning, I am a happy drunk, I was just.....
At the end of the day- I drank when I knew I should not have and because of that there was collateral damage. A lot of it.. Don't let it go there. Perhaps get some professional help- go to AA and learn more. I used to try and escape the thought of being not able to drink normally. Then I would drink more because of the 'stress' in pretending I could drink like everyone else- the hiding bit. You said 'makes it less noticeable', so it can be noticed? I was so caught up in not being noticed- (how clever I was, how smart to get away with drinking- I won, they don't know- I am drinking)
A lot there. Your narrative says you have a problem with alcohol. The red flags are up and you have knowledge. What you do with that precious info is up to you. Such knowledge is a gift.
Keep sharing- no judgements at SR. All just stumbling along in the dark- sharing, getting and offering support. There is also a ladies only thread. I'm a guy btw. Prayers to you and your family. PJ
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,576
Welcome K! You've done yourself a favor by posting your thoughts here. Clearly, there's cause for concern & I'm glad you realize it.
At 31 I was still in denial. I was mostly having fun with drinking - couldn't imagine my life without it back then. Sure, I was doing less with my life too - & health issues were beginning to pop up. I figured I just needed to cut down, use willpower to have 'a few' now and then. Except it didn't quite work out that way. My alcoholism progressed over the years. In the end, I found myself drinking every day - and it was never fun anymore. I was putting myself in danger on a regular basis. I had accumulated dui's. I drank so I wouldn't shake. There was no joy, & my life was in ruins. I'm glad you're taking a hard look at what your drinking is doing to you. Good to have you with us.
At 31 I was still in denial. I was mostly having fun with drinking - couldn't imagine my life without it back then. Sure, I was doing less with my life too - & health issues were beginning to pop up. I figured I just needed to cut down, use willpower to have 'a few' now and then. Except it didn't quite work out that way. My alcoholism progressed over the years. In the end, I found myself drinking every day - and it was never fun anymore. I was putting myself in danger on a regular basis. I had accumulated dui's. I drank so I wouldn't shake. There was no joy, & my life was in ruins. I'm glad you're taking a hard look at what your drinking is doing to you. Good to have you with us.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 12
Thank you for your replies Hevyn & PhoenixJ.
The more time I spend on this forum the more I realize what a dangerous situation I am in... I realize that I need to stop drinking. Normal people don't act (or drink) the way I've been acting.
I'm don't believe in God & am not religious & dislike the "powerless over alcohol" aspect of AA. However when I return home to Los Angeles tomorrow I'm going to look into SMART or MM or LifeRing meetings
The more time I spend on this forum the more I realize what a dangerous situation I am in... I realize that I need to stop drinking. Normal people don't act (or drink) the way I've been acting.
I'm don't believe in God & am not religious & dislike the "powerless over alcohol" aspect of AA. However when I return home to Los Angeles tomorrow I'm going to look into SMART or MM or LifeRing meetings
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Welcome to SR! You will find lots of support on this site. I stopped drinking right after I turned 45, I should have been smart enough to stop at 31. There are many different paths to recovery, spend some time reading and posting.
You may want to join the December thread, or January when it starts. Another great place to check in daily is the 24 hour thread.
You may want to join the December thread, or January when it starts. Another great place to check in daily is the 24 hour thread.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
Welcome K3075 
You'll find a lot of support here
SMART and Lifering are great programmes by all accounts.
As for MM, from your post I see you seem to have the same problems with moderation I did - I couldn't do it.
From the moment I accepted that, things got better for me
D
You'll find a lot of support here
SMART and Lifering are great programmes by all accounts.
As for MM, from your post I see you seem to have the same problems with moderation I did - I couldn't do it.
From the moment I accepted that, things got better for me
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,680
Words are just that- call it what you will. I know people who rationalise AA 's not for them' that 'they push the god bit'. There are always going to be those who push their own view. It does not matter where I go to stay sober and grow- so long as I know I CANNOT DRINK- EVER. I go to AA and have a sponsor, I religiously go to weekly SMART, I see a psychologist, I see my doctor about depression, I have an addiction counsellor. I have planned support for when I complete this most gruelling (if one takes it seriously) recovery program I am working/living.
Call it what I will, alcohol intolerance, allergy, doctor's orders, on antibiotics- does it matter. I use ANY resource I can find and decide whether it is useful or not. I do not judge- I just take what I want. A missed opportunity is just that. Alcoholism for me is not a lifestyle choice, or a need to look at with any choice in the matter. It is a final choice- life or death.
Call it what I will, alcohol intolerance, allergy, doctor's orders, on antibiotics- does it matter. I use ANY resource I can find and decide whether it is useful or not. I do not judge- I just take what I want. A missed opportunity is just that. Alcoholism for me is not a lifestyle choice, or a need to look at with any choice in the matter. It is a final choice- life or death.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 12
At 1:30 am I'll have been alcohol free for one day. The nights are tougher for me- that's usually when I like to drink. It's been kindof a tough day- I'm in a house full of alcohol & my parents, sister & her boyfriend are all drinking. I said I was not because I didn't feel well. I read up on urge surfing.
Reading all of the posts on this forum has been a big wake up call. With the hubris of the young (I still feel pretty young) who have been very active & healthy their whole life I thought my behavior wasn't a big deal. Now I realize that is not true at all & how much I am hurting my body & my brain. I realize I was always telling myself that it was just a phase & it wouldn't stick. I'd bounce right back soon & it hadn't hurt my job or life yet so it's not a big deal. I started counseling for anxiety last year, but didn't like the psychiatrist that I picked so stopped going.
Right now I feel sad & angry & embarrassed. I'm also worried about heading back to LA & being in my house by myself for a night.
Reading all of the posts on this forum has been a big wake up call. With the hubris of the young (I still feel pretty young) who have been very active & healthy their whole life I thought my behavior wasn't a big deal. Now I realize that is not true at all & how much I am hurting my body & my brain. I realize I was always telling myself that it was just a phase & it wouldn't stick. I'd bounce right back soon & it hadn't hurt my job or life yet so it's not a big deal. I started counseling for anxiety last year, but didn't like the psychiatrist that I picked so stopped going.
Right now I feel sad & angry & embarrassed. I'm also worried about heading back to LA & being in my house by myself for a night.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 157
Welcome!
I can relate to you on so many levels! You say that when you drink you're a "happy drunk" and don't cause problems or get sloppy but your boyfriend is noticing which indicates that it's problem. You've logged onto this forum which means you know you have a problem with your drinking. I logged onto SR in 2012 and never posted and continued to drink until Dec 2015 when I knew I needed to stop drinking or more problems would arise.
It's so easy to make excuses and tell ourselves well I'm not thhhhat bad, or I haven't lost my job (yet), etc. The biggest step for me was admitting to myself I'm an alcoholic - and I hate that word as it has such a negative connotation - but it's the truth. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will only get worse. I'm so lucky I made this realization when I was 28. You said you've ran a marathon before - AWESOME! I'm a runner and when I quit drinking I got serious about my running and made goals for myself. When I was drinking my marathon time was 4 hours (a good time but training was always derailed by drinking) - now that I'm sober I was able to bring my time down to 3:20. Which just shows how much alcohol was holding back my potential. I would suggest getting back into running and your artwork. You will find you have soooooooo much free time when you're sober and your passions will slowly come back.
If you're a reader I suggest reading drinking - a love story by Caroline knapp or blackout - remembering the things I drank to forget by Sarah hepola.
Congrats on taking the first step and logging in. We are here for you!!! Feel free to PM me too if you want
https://www.runragnar.com/ragnar-road-blog/2016/10/celebrating-sobriety-with-reebok-ragnar-napa/
That the link to a short blurb about my sobriety - you might relate. I feel we have a lot in common.
-Leasha
I can relate to you on so many levels! You say that when you drink you're a "happy drunk" and don't cause problems or get sloppy but your boyfriend is noticing which indicates that it's problem. You've logged onto this forum which means you know you have a problem with your drinking. I logged onto SR in 2012 and never posted and continued to drink until Dec 2015 when I knew I needed to stop drinking or more problems would arise.
It's so easy to make excuses and tell ourselves well I'm not thhhhat bad, or I haven't lost my job (yet), etc. The biggest step for me was admitting to myself I'm an alcoholic - and I hate that word as it has such a negative connotation - but it's the truth. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will only get worse. I'm so lucky I made this realization when I was 28. You said you've ran a marathon before - AWESOME! I'm a runner and when I quit drinking I got serious about my running and made goals for myself. When I was drinking my marathon time was 4 hours (a good time but training was always derailed by drinking) - now that I'm sober I was able to bring my time down to 3:20. Which just shows how much alcohol was holding back my potential. I would suggest getting back into running and your artwork. You will find you have soooooooo much free time when you're sober and your passions will slowly come back.
If you're a reader I suggest reading drinking - a love story by Caroline knapp or blackout - remembering the things I drank to forget by Sarah hepola.
Congrats on taking the first step and logging in. We are here for you!!! Feel free to PM me too if you want
https://www.runragnar.com/ragnar-road-blog/2016/10/celebrating-sobriety-with-reebok-ragnar-napa/
That the link to a short blurb about my sobriety - you might relate. I feel we have a lot in common.
-Leasha
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 12
Day 2-
Woke up this morning feeling much better all around. Trouble sleeping last night, but still managed to get a little. Morning was fine, but feeling a little overwhelmed with packing and sad to be leaving my family and with Christmas being over. Normally I would probably have a beer before heading to airport. I realize that would make me less organized & thorough with my packing however.
My grandpa passed away last month- he & I were very close. Though his death was not unexpected I was very sad over it. Being home for Christmas I kept feeling despair & anxiety over the fact that my parents will die someday. Instead of being present with my family & making memories and enjoying the holiday I would have a drink to dull that feeling of fear & anxiety.
Enjoying being totally here today even with the unpleasant stress of travel and the sadness of putting away Christmas decorations.
Thanks for the reply Leasha- really appreciate it. Looking forward to a run tomorrow. I actually read Caroline Knapp's book last week & related a lot to her reasons why she kept telling herself she didn't have a problem so kept putting off getting sober and going to rehab. I realize that in the 3 years that I have been drinking more heavily my feelings of anxiety have only been getting worse & things that matter to me like art & running have fallen to the wayside. I think that honesty with myself is really important... alcohol is making my anxiety & depression worse... not helping it.
I also have realized since I found this forum how much damage I am doing to my body. I've realized a lot of little things that I had been noticing about my health & had attributed to other things are probably from alcohol abuse. My nice low resting heartrate I had when training for the marathon has risen. My skin isn't as good- I have to wear more makeup. I've lost muscle tone because instead of an evening run or going to the climbing gym with my boyfriend I'll stay in, watch Netflix & drink a bottle of wine.
I hope this log of my thoughts will be a help to me in the future when battling those urges. It's much easier to be totally honest (with myself and others) in writing for me.
Woke up this morning feeling much better all around. Trouble sleeping last night, but still managed to get a little. Morning was fine, but feeling a little overwhelmed with packing and sad to be leaving my family and with Christmas being over. Normally I would probably have a beer before heading to airport. I realize that would make me less organized & thorough with my packing however.
My grandpa passed away last month- he & I were very close. Though his death was not unexpected I was very sad over it. Being home for Christmas I kept feeling despair & anxiety over the fact that my parents will die someday. Instead of being present with my family & making memories and enjoying the holiday I would have a drink to dull that feeling of fear & anxiety.
Enjoying being totally here today even with the unpleasant stress of travel and the sadness of putting away Christmas decorations.
Thanks for the reply Leasha- really appreciate it. Looking forward to a run tomorrow. I actually read Caroline Knapp's book last week & related a lot to her reasons why she kept telling herself she didn't have a problem so kept putting off getting sober and going to rehab. I realize that in the 3 years that I have been drinking more heavily my feelings of anxiety have only been getting worse & things that matter to me like art & running have fallen to the wayside. I think that honesty with myself is really important... alcohol is making my anxiety & depression worse... not helping it.
I also have realized since I found this forum how much damage I am doing to my body. I've realized a lot of little things that I had been noticing about my health & had attributed to other things are probably from alcohol abuse. My nice low resting heartrate I had when training for the marathon has risen. My skin isn't as good- I have to wear more makeup. I've lost muscle tone because instead of an evening run or going to the climbing gym with my boyfriend I'll stay in, watch Netflix & drink a bottle of wine.
I hope this log of my thoughts will be a help to me in the future when battling those urges. It's much easier to be totally honest (with myself and others) in writing for me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,880
Welcome to SR, K - so glad you found us.
One of the very best gifts you can ever yourself is that of sobriety.
There is a very good thread here on SR regarding the importance of a Plan; I'll find it and link it for you.
One of the very best gifts you can ever yourself is that of sobriety.
There is a very good thread here on SR regarding the importance of a Plan; I'll find it and link it for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,880
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington State
Posts: 157
Good to see you back K !
Writing has been integral to my recovery as well. Keep logging on here and journaling as much as you need. I journal a lot and it's been an awesome way to get all those anxieties out on paper. One of the things I remember writing one day when I was really struggling and depressed was "...even though I'm feeling sad, I'm feeling good, because I'm feeling." Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
"Happiness is more than smiles; sometimes it means you cry; because you hurt; because you love; if not you're numb and then die inside" - Lyrics from the song happiness by Sol.
Congrats on DAY 2!
Writing has been integral to my recovery as well. Keep logging on here and journaling as much as you need. I journal a lot and it's been an awesome way to get all those anxieties out on paper. One of the things I remember writing one day when I was really struggling and depressed was "...even though I'm feeling sad, I'm feeling good, because I'm feeling." Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
"Happiness is more than smiles; sometimes it means you cry; because you hurt; because you love; if not you're numb and then die inside" - Lyrics from the song happiness by Sol.
Congrats on DAY 2!
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