Day 2-
Woke up this morning feeling much better all around. Trouble sleeping last night, but still managed to get a little. Morning was fine, but feeling a little overwhelmed with packing and sad to be leaving my family and with Christmas being over. Normally I would probably have a beer before heading to airport. I realize that would make me less organized & thorough with my packing however.
My grandpa passed away last month- he & I were very close. Though his death was not unexpected I was very sad over it. Being home for Christmas I kept feeling despair & anxiety over the fact that my parents will die someday. Instead of being present with my family & making memories and enjoying the holiday I would have a drink to dull that feeling of fear & anxiety.
Enjoying being totally here today even with the unpleasant stress of travel and the sadness of putting away Christmas decorations.
Thanks for the reply Leasha- really appreciate it. Looking forward to a run tomorrow. I actually read Caroline Knapp's book last week & related a lot to her reasons why she kept telling herself she didn't have a problem so kept putting off getting sober and going to rehab. I realize that in the 3 years that I have been drinking more heavily my feelings of anxiety have only been getting worse & things that matter to me like art & running have fallen to the wayside. I think that honesty with myself is really important... alcohol is making my anxiety & depression worse... not helping it.
I also have realized since I found this forum how much damage I am doing to my body. I've realized a lot of little things that I had been noticing about my health & had attributed to other things are probably from alcohol abuse. My nice low resting heartrate I had when training for the marathon has risen. My skin isn't as good- I have to wear more makeup. I've lost muscle tone because instead of an evening run or going to the climbing gym with my boyfriend I'll stay in, watch Netflix & drink a bottle of wine.
I hope this log of my thoughts will be a help to me in the future when battling those urges. It's much easier to be totally honest (with myself and others) in writing for me.