George89

I’ve been sitting on the fence for way too long. Just hovering there mentally for so long about whether to quit alcohol for good or whether to just suck it up and pretend the problem doesn’t exist and just be a ‘normal’ ‘well-adjusted’ drinker who occasionally drinks too much but just somehow gets on with things, and accepts the ill effects of drinking as a necessary price to pay for being normal.

I’m 27 now, and my life on paper is good, it’s just my mood is so often not where it should be. Although it’s the alcohol and drugs that seem to drag me down the most. The alcohol and other drugs are the one combined problem that seems to damage my state of my mind more than anything. Their effect on me is very powerful. Even though I quit smoking cigarettes, drinking still has that several day effect on me where I feel lacking in hope, lacking in drive and spirit and, generally like a bit of a loser.

Its that groggy, muggy feeling of not feeling alive, not thriving but merely surviving, and feeling a cross between some kind of human slug and zombie. Everything seems grey. And the grey skies seem to reflect my own inner mind. When hungover, I feel a combination of being lost as well as being empty. I can’t think straight. I just want to sleep, and lie on the sofa and sleep the day away.

I suppose I am that halfway house – where I know drinking is bad for me, in that I have this kind of black and white, dualistic feeling related to it. It’s bad, I can’t do it, yet I do it, I feel good, then I feel bad, and that creates this inner conflict within me. When I look back – were alcohol fueled nights ever that good?

At least, now over the past few years? Going to a loud bar – I feel like the nights exist in this kind of slow motion shot, people drinking, loud music, but no real connection to anyone, no real conversation. Just this kind of emptiness that most people can’t see or feel but it’s filled by alcohol and the loud music, and the fact that really people are just dancing around, walking around back and forth to the bathroom, back and forth to the drinks que whilst it’s too loud to speak or really have any real fun seems to be lost on people, its all quite sad in a way.

Anyway, I digress. I know stopping alcohol isn’t a magic bullet to making my life magically better . But it feels like until I stop, I can’t truly focus, I can’t work on myself. It keeps me stuck. Stuck and unable to change and break free. I feel like until I deal with this problem that I feel is consuming me, I can't have the energy needed to look at my life and focus. Writing this is helping me to see where I am more clearly. Yet I feel the problem I face now is that I don’t feel ready to go to AA. And whether right or wrong, I feel why should I? "I am not as bad as them" is my justification. I am a weekend binge drinker, yet, the fear of judgement keeps me trapped in keeping up normality – yet I wonder whether that is my AV talking, as when I meet other non-drinkers, I have admiration for them, yet I judge myself differently.

There is always this ‘special occasion’ where I say to myself, surely I need to drink then. Be it a live sports game I am attending, a friends birthday, a date, a family reunion. The list goes on, and I begin to realize that the excuse or justification of special occasion is so clearly false as these special occasions seem to occur twice a week.

And my mind keeps on running back to, why don’t I just moderate? Like just have one beer before the football, or two drinks in the nightclub, but it hasn’t worked before and I know continuing to try a failed strategy is not going to bring results. Its just once again I feel stuck in that halfway house between the level of motivation to quit but also the fear of what will happen when I do that.

Thanks for reading

doggonecarl

Here's how I sum up your post...

"I feel like I should quit, but I don't want to."

You're 27. And ambivalent about sobriety. Do you really want to be posting the same thing in 20 years? Take it from a 35-year drinker, you don't.

But that's where you are trending.

Nonsensical

I did the same.

Then I asked myself the question "why is drinking so important to me?"

I didn't like the answer, but at least I was finally at the heart of the matter.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Soberwolf

I'm 33 I got sober at 31 I implore you to get and stay sober at 27 trust me you won't regret it put everything you have into it

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

360startstoday

I did the special occasion thing too.... I can't quit because its almost my birthday or whatever. I realized I needed to quit 7 years ago.... but didn't until 78 days ago. REALLY wish I was at 7 years and 78 days though. I gained nothing from continuing.... not even memories of some of those "occasions".

On the moderation.... have you ever just had ONE drink and been happy about it? OR is one just the start?

least

I have never woken up sober and feeling good and wished that I had drank the night before.

ScottFromWI

What do you think will actually happen if you quit? Try making a list and see what you can come up with.

Anna

I was there for quite some too. But, I was knocked off the fence by how bad things in my life became.

thomas11

Hi George, very good post. I'll share what I can, and maybe it will help you. I have 20 years on you, and I could have written your post myself about a year ago. Weekend drinker, not really wrecking my life, but wrestling with it nonetheless.

The extend of my embarrassment was posting on this site while drunk and being intoxicated and running into someone I know. Fairly minimal. But it was what you describe that kept eating at me. My drinking was holding me back, self doubt was always lingering in the back of my mind, it lead to me questioning my decisions, and just a general lack of pure and genuine confidence. It also strained my marriage. Its been a long time (for me) since I have drank. I can tell you that quitting drinking and exercising have been a nice and welcome addition to my life, ie no regrets about it.

That being said, I still have days here and there where I feel less than 100% mentally, still wrestle with some self doubt etc....I would say if you can get a 20 year jump on it, and take that step now, you'll thank yourself down the road. I wish you the best.

Dee74

Hey George

My AV didn't know when it was a special occasion, or that I needed not to go crazy - when I let it out, my inner addict was uncontrollable.

Sure there were times it behaved itself...but those were the nights I got lucky. Most times it was total destruction.

I didn't want to quit. Change scared me. Being different scared me. Who would sober me be?

Eventually I had to quit. (all my fears were unfounded btw)

I think you're not so different to me George.

Come down off the fence and save yourself a decade or two of misery and heartache.

D

Venecia

Alcoholism is progressive. The point comes where special occasions become indistinguishable from Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. And then you're no different from "them."

FreeOwl

The "special occasion" was a big hurdle for me too, for a while.

Now though, I realize that special occasions are far more special when I experience them fully, living sober, clear and HERE!!!

Berrybean

Yes, this. OMG my first sober Christmas was brilliant! It felt so much MORE special when I didn't spend the whole period pissed or recovering from hangovers so that I could go and a get pissed. I got properly involved with family and community celebrations and it almost felt as wonderful as Christmas as a child again. And to think, I was SO worried about how Christmas would just be ruined by not being able to drink.

But, even more. Now that I've got more recovery time, I spot the unexpected special moments in everyday life. Many of them to do with nature, and many to do with people. I suppose my perspective has altered and I value things differently now. Even things like meeting my mum for a day out together - once that would have really caused me some resentment because it was eating into my drinking time. I would have gone, (arriving hung ovr and sleep deprived) and I'd have been clock watching and huffing and puffing and eye-rolling after the first hour together. Now I really enjoy my time with here. Like, really REALLY. She is in her early 70s now, so I don't suppose well have many more decades where we can meet up for a day out and about. I'm so grateful to me given this 2nd chance to spend with people I love.

Anyway. I suppose, what I'm trying to say, is that mostly our idea of 'special' evolves and changes in sobriety.

George89

Hi Thomas, thanks for your post. The way you describe your drinking as something you have been wrestling with really resonates. I suppose it helps me to take away all the background noise so to speak and simplify where I am at by just asking myself 'is alcohol giving me problems?' and the answer is yes, and quite simply then I know sobriety is the way to go.

The doubt thing is interesting is I do lack self-confidence generally speaking and I grew up with a physically and mentally abusive father, and I wonder whether my upbringing and self-doubt is related to growing up in that environment, and subsequently where I am at today with alcohol.

I have this fear of not being accepted if I don't drink, and perhaps its because there are so few other non drinkers in the UK that I know. The non drinkers around tend to be those that don't drink due to a religious faith, usually practicing Muslims. Most English and Europeans (and those that grow up in Christian countries) seem to be given small amounts of alcohol by their parents whilst young and no wonder why so many people are trapped.

I probably overthink what will happen when I quit. There may be one or two people that give me stick, but I don't need to spend time with them anyway.

I am considering AA but just don't know whether I am ready. I guess there is some mental resistance to it, partly to admitting to myself by going to an event that I have a real problem, and partly as I am resisting giving up and making the changes.

George89

Hi Nonsensical,

and what was your answer to that question?

Why was drinking so important to you?

thanks

George89

Generally, I can't remember when I was out on a social occasion and only had one drink. When I am having dinner with my parents for example at home or at a restaurant, but that's the only time generally. Its like, I went to a live sports game on Sunday, and beforehand met with some guys I watched the game with. We drank about 5 beers in 2-3 hours before the game, and during half time and also after. I look back and think, what was the point?

Did it make me enjoy my day anymore? No.
Did it make me happier? No.
Did it make me more confident? No.
Did it improve my day? No.
Did it make my conversation better? No.

So in retrospect, its easier to see the truth of it. Its just beforehand, I remember waking up and feeling excited, but part of that excitement was about the drinking. I remember feeling like I wanted a drink, and perhaps I felt it was more 'justified' given the grandeur of the day.

I was going to say, looking back on the day that I didn't do anything I regret but come to think of it, I remember swearing at an opposition fan on the way out using a finger sign. I remember singing loudly outside, not that is bad, but it wasn't me singing, but an intoxicated me singing. And the idea of walking around in an inebriated idiotic state is so off-putting to me. I remember not being able to hold a proper conversation with one of the guys I was with, and I had become quite the caveman.

Nonsensical

Because I was addicted to alcohol.

Which meant that the freedom to choose whether or not to drink really wasn't freedom at all. It was an illusion. It was slavery.

MIRecovery

The problem with your logic is you are leaving out that alcoholism is progessive it only gets worse. If you could stay like you are, what you say has some merit. The problem is you can't so your whole argument is the fantasy of every alcoholic

D122y

My .02$ on boozing it up at 27 years old.

Your brain and body are not yet that damaged.

You feel bad, you might look bad, but you can drink and get by.

You are addicted physically and mentally. But, at 27, you might have in the past, quit pretty easily and not suffered any long term issues. So you keep relapsing.

Eventually, maybe 10 or 20 years, you will start to become physically ill. You will have moderate brain damage. When you try to quit, you will suffer a hellish existence. Booze will be the only thing that makes you feel normal. When you try and quit, after all those years, it will be so much more difficult.

Your body and brain will be in a long term poisened state. Like a toxic wasteland.

That is what you have to look forward to the longer you wait.

Booze is a government sanctioned toxin. Don't believe the hype.

OneIsTooMuch

George all of the above is SO true. I didn't quit until I was 61. I wish I had been able to realize I had a problem at 27. I think you are very lucky to be at this point now!

Remember, you are giving up NOTHING when you quit. Instead you are gaining EVERYTHING for you and your life.

Stop now and never start again. Do whatever it takes. AA is good but there are other options.

And, as is proved by SR, you don't have to do it alone. Support is out there in many forms you just have to accept it.

Good luck!