My sister died
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 14
My sister died
I've posted here before to get some help and advise on helping my alcoholic sister. I've been trying to help her for nearly 6 years now and was at the end of my rope. On the 19th of March I received a call to say my sister was ill again, falling around being sick. For the first time I said no I would not go. I advised the people calling me, some shady people she had been hanging around with that if they were concerned for her safety to please call her an ambulance, they never done this. She has in the past taken herself to hospital.
On the early hours of 24th March, police arrived at my house to advise me my sister had been found dead. She never did reach the hospital. I had started counselling the week before her death as i had been feeling so ill and exhausted trying to help her. I've been driving myself and my partner crazy for years, cleaning up after her, taking her to hospital, rehab. Picking her up from police. She lost everything through alcohol. I feel like I had given up on her the week before she died. The only time I said no and 1 week later she is dead. I don't know how I am going to live with myself. If I had went after that 1 phone call she could still be here now. She's my only sibling and both my parents are dead, they too had alcohol problems.
Only a few weeks before she died I had found her a free christian rehab place who were willing to take her. I wish I had gone and dragged her to that place now. She said initially she would go then would not take my calls or let me into her apartment. The guilt is killing me and I feel like I am going mad. I don't see any point to my life at the moment which is crazy I know. I'm ashamed to say sometimes I wished she would disappear and now she has and I'm heartbroken and devastated. Recently I had thought to myself if she does't stop then I'm going to kill myself wih exhaustion trying to help her. The stress I was under made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack sometimes. This is why I went to seek counselling only 1 week before she died. I will be 50 years old this year and have spend the last 40 years dealing with family members with alcohol problems. I have other relatives but it's not the same, there is only me now left from my family. My partner is a nice man but does not understand my guilt. This morning was very bad for me. The funeral has now passed and people are getting on with their lives but I'm feeling worse each and every day. I think I must have been on autopilot organizing her funeral and making arrangements but reality has now hit. I still have to clear her apartment and live each and every day with the guilt that I could have saved her but never went.
I came across some old emails I used to send to her addiction and social workers begging them to help her. This was over 3 years ago, at her last rehab. I sound like a crazy woman in these emails constantly checking up on her and almost stalking her. I think I almost ended up crazier than her without drinking. I had stopped doing this type of behaviour and would only check up on her every 1-2 weeks which was obviously not enought.
People keep telling me that it would have happened anyway or even if I had saved her again this time it would have happened next time. How do they know that this is not the time that she turned a corner? had had enough? wanted to change her life and finally stop destroying herself. I guess I will never know.
This detaching yourself with love that people go on about in Alanon sucks. People tell you walk away and get on with your own life, they must want to help themselves. What if they are too sick to help themselves? If she had cancer would I have left her to help herself? No! Why did I listen to people telling me to let her help herself., learn to say no! I feel like I left her dying on her own for the last week of her life. Her death was reported as Intracranial Haemorrhage not organ failure as I expected which makes me feel even worse. Has anyone else experienced the death of a loved one like this. How did you manage to cope?
On the early hours of 24th March, police arrived at my house to advise me my sister had been found dead. She never did reach the hospital. I had started counselling the week before her death as i had been feeling so ill and exhausted trying to help her. I've been driving myself and my partner crazy for years, cleaning up after her, taking her to hospital, rehab. Picking her up from police. She lost everything through alcohol. I feel like I had given up on her the week before she died. The only time I said no and 1 week later she is dead. I don't know how I am going to live with myself. If I had went after that 1 phone call she could still be here now. She's my only sibling and both my parents are dead, they too had alcohol problems.
Only a few weeks before she died I had found her a free christian rehab place who were willing to take her. I wish I had gone and dragged her to that place now. She said initially she would go then would not take my calls or let me into her apartment. The guilt is killing me and I feel like I am going mad. I don't see any point to my life at the moment which is crazy I know. I'm ashamed to say sometimes I wished she would disappear and now she has and I'm heartbroken and devastated. Recently I had thought to myself if she does't stop then I'm going to kill myself wih exhaustion trying to help her. The stress I was under made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack sometimes. This is why I went to seek counselling only 1 week before she died. I will be 50 years old this year and have spend the last 40 years dealing with family members with alcohol problems. I have other relatives but it's not the same, there is only me now left from my family. My partner is a nice man but does not understand my guilt. This morning was very bad for me. The funeral has now passed and people are getting on with their lives but I'm feeling worse each and every day. I think I must have been on autopilot organizing her funeral and making arrangements but reality has now hit. I still have to clear her apartment and live each and every day with the guilt that I could have saved her but never went.
I came across some old emails I used to send to her addiction and social workers begging them to help her. This was over 3 years ago, at her last rehab. I sound like a crazy woman in these emails constantly checking up on her and almost stalking her. I think I almost ended up crazier than her without drinking. I had stopped doing this type of behaviour and would only check up on her every 1-2 weeks which was obviously not enought.
People keep telling me that it would have happened anyway or even if I had saved her again this time it would have happened next time. How do they know that this is not the time that she turned a corner? had had enough? wanted to change her life and finally stop destroying herself. I guess I will never know.
This detaching yourself with love that people go on about in Alanon sucks. People tell you walk away and get on with your own life, they must want to help themselves. What if they are too sick to help themselves? If she had cancer would I have left her to help herself? No! Why did I listen to people telling me to let her help herself., learn to say no! I feel like I left her dying on her own for the last week of her life. Her death was reported as Intracranial Haemorrhage not organ failure as I expected which makes me feel even worse. Has anyone else experienced the death of a loved one like this. How did you manage to cope?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I am so very sorry for your loss, Laney. It is truly heartbreaking to lose someone you love to alcohol abuse. I had two A's for parents, and I can relate to your pain.
It sounds like you did everything anyone could possibly have done. Its going to take some time for you to get yourself back, after all you've been through with your dear sister.
Please , keep up your counselling. It will help you to realize that you have nothing to feel guilty for, I think.
You did all you could. We just cannot make them quit, no matter how much we love them.
Wishing you peace.
It sounds like you did everything anyone could possibly have done. Its going to take some time for you to get yourself back, after all you've been through with your dear sister.
Please , keep up your counselling. It will help you to realize that you have nothing to feel guilty for, I think.
You did all you could. We just cannot make them quit, no matter how much we love them.
Wishing you peace.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I'm sorry for your loss Laney.
Please do not blame yourself - your sister died because she kept making bad decisions to continue to drink, no because you finally said no.
There's a lot of support and understanding here - please lean on the community here in this sad time for you and your family.
D
Please do not blame yourself - your sister died because she kept making bad decisions to continue to drink, no because you finally said no.
There's a lot of support and understanding here - please lean on the community here in this sad time for you and your family.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: CA, USA
Posts: 206
I am so sorry to hear this Laney.
Your sister was killed by an addiction, a disease, whatever you prefer to call it--but the thing that killed her was inside her and had nothing to do with anybody else. Her addiction wasn't your fault. You tried to help her but any human being can only help so much.
These things aren't in our control--we can't control what others do and what they want and don't want. You couldn't have controlled your sister's outcome any more than she could have controlled her sickness--it sounds like she (tragically) just didn't reach that point where she was ready to change. And without that, the outcome doesn't look good no matter who tries to step in and pick up the pieces.
Please take care and keep posting.
Your sister was killed by an addiction, a disease, whatever you prefer to call it--but the thing that killed her was inside her and had nothing to do with anybody else. Her addiction wasn't your fault. You tried to help her but any human being can only help so much.
These things aren't in our control--we can't control what others do and what they want and don't want. You couldn't have controlled your sister's outcome any more than she could have controlled her sickness--it sounds like she (tragically) just didn't reach that point where she was ready to change. And without that, the outcome doesn't look good no matter who tries to step in and pick up the pieces.
Please take care and keep posting.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
If your sister had cancer or a broken leg would she have refused to get treatment? The analogy doesn't apply.
The sad, sad fact is that even if you had dragged her to rehab it wouldn't have worked unless she wanted it to. As long as she chose drinking, this was going to happen no matter what you did or didn't do. It was just a question of time.
I'm very, very sorry for your pain but you truly did everything you could and I hope in time that brings you a measure of peace.
The sad, sad fact is that even if you had dragged her to rehab it wouldn't have worked unless she wanted it to. As long as she chose drinking, this was going to happen no matter what you did or didn't do. It was just a question of time.
I'm very, very sorry for your pain but you truly did everything you could and I hope in time that brings you a measure of peace.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
I'm so sorry to hear this and it has to be an awful time for you. But please don't blame yourself. This is absolutely, no way, your fault. Everyone, including addicts, are responsible for their own choices. You didn't choose for her to continue drinking. She made that choice. Try to find peace for yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Oh sweetie, my heart just breaks for you. I am so so very sorry. It just breaks my heart.
While I have not went through this, I can just say the stress and anxiety of all of this comes through loud and clear in your post. Allow yourself to grieve and go through all of these feelings.
I send you love and light and am praying for you.
While I have not went through this, I can just say the stress and anxiety of all of this comes through loud and clear in your post. Allow yourself to grieve and go through all of these feelings.
I send you love and light and am praying for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Down South
Posts: 709
I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I knew what to say to comfort you. All I can say is I'm sorry and it sounds like you did so much for her. Addiction is horrible. There is only so much that others can do-that's what's so hard about it. Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,643
Laney, I am so sorry for your loss, and even sorrier that it has left you with the internalized guilt of the “what if” possibilities. First, you cannot change the pass nor can you predict the future, chances are equally as good that there was nothing you could have done to have changed the outcome.
Laney, I too lost a sister to alcoholism, 18 years ago; she was only 38. She spiraled out of control very fast, and was created havoc in everyone’s lives during her last few years. I loved my sister and did everything I could to help, as did my mother and sisters. I was her conservator at the end, and she dragged me in and out of the legal system, fighting me as I tried to help her. She too was in and out of hospitals with the late night calls from emergency staff advising family to come as soon as possible because she wasn’t expected to make it through the night.
I was exhausted, working full-time and raising two children, ages 9 & 10 when she passed. I was preparing to go out of town on vacation with my kids when she was once again in the hospital. I went to visit her, and she seemed the same as every other time, so I left on vacation as planned. The next evening I got the call that she had passed. Even though I couldn’t have done anything else, I still carried the guilt of choosing to leave instead of staying. It took me years to let go of the guilt of choosing to do something for myself, instead of putting my sister’s needs before mine; which is what you are struggling with.
Laney, alcoholism runs in my family lines too; my father died just months before my sister, and I became an alcoholic. Don’t let it claim another life. With the help of SR, I’ve had some successful runs at sobriety, and I am currently 3+ months sober.
Your sister was very lucky to have you to lean on for nearly a decade. You gave unselfishly, and now it’s time for you to move on and live your life. Your sister made choices in her life that you had no control of, you chose to assume responsibility for her mistakes, as did I. I haven’t been to Al-Anon, but I think we would both benefit from it. I can tell you in all honesty that the compulsion to drink is very real and is very hard to resist, and as others have shared, the only way out is for the addicted person to want to stop more than they want to drink.
Your sister is at peace now, God bless her soul. May you find peace in your life Laney, and live life to its fullest.
Laney, I too lost a sister to alcoholism, 18 years ago; she was only 38. She spiraled out of control very fast, and was created havoc in everyone’s lives during her last few years. I loved my sister and did everything I could to help, as did my mother and sisters. I was her conservator at the end, and she dragged me in and out of the legal system, fighting me as I tried to help her. She too was in and out of hospitals with the late night calls from emergency staff advising family to come as soon as possible because she wasn’t expected to make it through the night.
I was exhausted, working full-time and raising two children, ages 9 & 10 when she passed. I was preparing to go out of town on vacation with my kids when she was once again in the hospital. I went to visit her, and she seemed the same as every other time, so I left on vacation as planned. The next evening I got the call that she had passed. Even though I couldn’t have done anything else, I still carried the guilt of choosing to leave instead of staying. It took me years to let go of the guilt of choosing to do something for myself, instead of putting my sister’s needs before mine; which is what you are struggling with.
Laney, alcoholism runs in my family lines too; my father died just months before my sister, and I became an alcoholic. Don’t let it claim another life. With the help of SR, I’ve had some successful runs at sobriety, and I am currently 3+ months sober.
Your sister was very lucky to have you to lean on for nearly a decade. You gave unselfishly, and now it’s time for you to move on and live your life. Your sister made choices in her life that you had no control of, you chose to assume responsibility for her mistakes, as did I. I haven’t been to Al-Anon, but I think we would both benefit from it. I can tell you in all honesty that the compulsion to drink is very real and is very hard to resist, and as others have shared, the only way out is for the addicted person to want to stop more than they want to drink.
Your sister is at peace now, God bless her soul. May you find peace in your life Laney, and live life to its fullest.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
Laney I am so sorry for your loss. Please do not blame yourself. Focus on everything good you did for her over the years and know this was her battle and her choices that led to her death. Wishing you peace and light.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 14
Thank you Odelle, I am so sorry to hear that you too lost a sister to this horrible disease. The pain and guilt comes and goes in waves. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed by it. I am so pleased that you are 3+ months sober, well done and keep this up. You must feel so much healthier and happy and your friends and family will be delighted for you. I will pray this continues for you. My sister was a beautiful girl, in the end her hair fell out, her teeth rotted and she lost sensation in her feet and legs, yet still she persisted and continued to drink. It was torturous watching her destroy herself. It's the craziest maddest disease that you would do that do yourself. Please look after yourself and don't let it destroy you. I'm going to continue with my counselling and will give Alanon a try again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 14
Thank you Ariesagain, yes you are right, it's madness to not seek help from a disease. I guess I'm lashing out. This outcome was surely going to happen one day whilst she continued to drink. I guess I was living in hope or looking for a miracle that she would somehow one day stop. She never met this rock bottom that I'm so often told of.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 14
Thank you so much to everyone who has replied, I think I'm posting my replies in the wrong place so apologies if I'm repeating myself. All of your posts have helped me so much. I'm going to continue my counselling and hopefully I will somehow find a bit of peace someday. I hate this disease, sickness, addiction, whatever it is called of people.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Laney, I am so sorry for your loss. 
Please know that nothing you did or did not do, nothing you said or did not say, would have saved her when she was already on a path of self-destruction. If love could save our addicted loved ones, not one of us would be here.
May you find some peace and comfort knowing that everyone here understands and is here to support you as you go through these troubling times. We care and are here for you.
Hugs
Please know that nothing you did or did not do, nothing you said or did not say, would have saved her when she was already on a path of self-destruction. If love could save our addicted loved ones, not one of us would be here.
May you find some peace and comfort knowing that everyone here understands and is here to support you as you go through these troubling times. We care and are here for you.
Hugs
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Ann that was a beautiful post and very true.
Laney, I'm so so saddened to read your story, but what Ann and others have said really is true - once someone is locked hard into their addiction, only they can stop it from proceeding.
I lost my Mother to alcoholism and did not see her in the months before she died and visited sporadically before that. It is heartbreaking to know they deserved so much more than what they gave themselves, but remember, deep down, our loved ones loved us too and would not want us to lose our joy of life because of the devastation alcohol caused. I know that for sure.
wishing you peace in your heart - it may not come now, but please give it time.
Laney, I'm so so saddened to read your story, but what Ann and others have said really is true - once someone is locked hard into their addiction, only they can stop it from proceeding.
I lost my Mother to alcoholism and did not see her in the months before she died and visited sporadically before that. It is heartbreaking to know they deserved so much more than what they gave themselves, but remember, deep down, our loved ones loved us too and would not want us to lose our joy of life because of the devastation alcohol caused. I know that for sure.
wishing you peace in your heart - it may not come now, but please give it time.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
I'm ashamed to say sometimes I wished she would disappear and now she has and I'm heartbroken and devastated. Recently I had thought to myself if she does't stop then I'm going to kill myself wih exhaustion trying to help her. The stress I was under made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack sometimes. This is why I went to seek counselling only 1 week before she died.
I recently lost my mother to Alzheimer's. I stayed with her for 1 1/2 years. She never slept during that time. I was only getting maybe 8 hours of sleep a week. I held on as long as I could and finally had to put her in a nursing home.
Last month I went to get her and bring her home so I could give her lots of comfort before she died. She only lasted 6 days at my house and slept 5 of those days.
Sometimes we are too tired to care for our loved ones even if it's Cancer or Alzheimer's or any kind of disease. I struggle with guilt for leaving my mother in a nursing home. I wish I could have been more than human and survived with no sleep. My blood pressure went way up. My back went out from lifting her.
Can you forgive yourself for being too tired to jump in that last week? I had too much to do to go get my mom the last month she was alive. I can only wish I had brought her home sooner, but I just couldn't do it. I can forgive myself for that.
You were too tired to jump in and help your sister, but she knew you loved her. Your sister and my mother died at the time they were meant to die. We do not have power over life and death. When someone dies like your sister or my mother the only thing we focus on is what we didn't or couldn't do and we forget all the things we did do.
You made your sister's life better and loved her. She knows that.
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