My sister died
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
Hi Laney: Please: "Take what you like, and leave the rest" of my post - as I have been thinking about you since I read about this, and much of what I will say is projection.
There are two main things that came up for me in reading about your sister: One is my personal beliefs (Abraham Hicks inspired) which say that addicted people are "seeking relief" the best way they know how - and that the death experience returns us all to "pure positive energy." I find that comforting. Again, it is personal, so pardon me if these beliefs are offensive to you.
Secondly, I have a lot of anger, rage, and judgment about the alcoholics in my life. I have exhausted myself trying to "help" them - (rehab, hospitals, detox processes, therapeutic support, other support, ad naseum). I see what you were doing as setting a much needed boundary for yourself to save yourself! It is self-preservation, and there is nothing wrong with that! We don't have to sacrifice ourselves no matter how much we love someone.
The relationships with alcoholics and addicts is never reciprocal - it's always all about them - their alcoholism/addictions trump everything - they become the most important people in families because they demand center stage, 24/7 with their traumas and chaos. They rarely think about us and how they have impacted us, and for some reason, we are okay with that (again, I am projecting, so please know that).
Also, I had a very twisted thought about passive aggressiveness - as in, "Okay, you won't save me? Well, I'll just die then and show you!!!" (I warned you it was twisted.)
Alcoholics and addicts create their own realities. Your sister knew what the problem was and also knew about solutions, yet chose to ignore health and well-being and instead chose the bottle.
Please take good care of yourself and focus on all of the wonderful things you did for her - and I would advise finding a therapist who can help you process the guilt. Any truly loving person would probably feel guilty given those circumstances, but it WAS NOT YOUR FAULT . . . it was her and her choices that resulted in her exiting the planet at this time.
I also believe in talking to dead people, so I would just talk to her and express myself . . . she knows you loved her and that you did everything you could possibly do - it was up to her - not you. We don't have life or death powers - we don't decide when other people die . . .
Wishing you much peace.
There are two main things that came up for me in reading about your sister: One is my personal beliefs (Abraham Hicks inspired) which say that addicted people are "seeking relief" the best way they know how - and that the death experience returns us all to "pure positive energy." I find that comforting. Again, it is personal, so pardon me if these beliefs are offensive to you.
Secondly, I have a lot of anger, rage, and judgment about the alcoholics in my life. I have exhausted myself trying to "help" them - (rehab, hospitals, detox processes, therapeutic support, other support, ad naseum). I see what you were doing as setting a much needed boundary for yourself to save yourself! It is self-preservation, and there is nothing wrong with that! We don't have to sacrifice ourselves no matter how much we love someone.
The relationships with alcoholics and addicts is never reciprocal - it's always all about them - their alcoholism/addictions trump everything - they become the most important people in families because they demand center stage, 24/7 with their traumas and chaos. They rarely think about us and how they have impacted us, and for some reason, we are okay with that (again, I am projecting, so please know that).
Also, I had a very twisted thought about passive aggressiveness - as in, "Okay, you won't save me? Well, I'll just die then and show you!!!" (I warned you it was twisted.)
Alcoholics and addicts create their own realities. Your sister knew what the problem was and also knew about solutions, yet chose to ignore health and well-being and instead chose the bottle.
Please take good care of yourself and focus on all of the wonderful things you did for her - and I would advise finding a therapist who can help you process the guilt. Any truly loving person would probably feel guilty given those circumstances, but it WAS NOT YOUR FAULT . . . it was her and her choices that resulted in her exiting the planet at this time.
I also believe in talking to dead people, so I would just talk to her and express myself . . . she knows you loved her and that you did everything you could possibly do - it was up to her - not you. We don't have life or death powers - we don't decide when other people die . . .
Wishing you much peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 14
Thank you so much for your reply. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. I've now had a few weeks to reflect and I think I'm coming to a better place of acceptance. The life she was leading was truly awful and I'm hoping she has found a peace. I have had the terrible job of clearing her apartment and seeing how she was living is heartbreaking. She can only be in a better place as it could not be any worse than these conditions. I pray she is now at peace
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 14
Thanks you Seek for your reply, you did not offend me in any way and I related to your experiences and ideas so much. I do talk to her as I also believe in this, I hope she can hear me. A few weeks on and I still feel guilty and that I wish I could have saved her but deep inside I know it would probably only have been another quick fix, patch up job, next time may have been worse. It really is such a crazy illness that they would ignore health and well being over the bottle but they do. I'm going to look into Abraham Hicks theory about returning to a pure positive energy. I would like to think my sister has achieved this for herself and I too find this comforting. I'm hoping that you too are also finding some peace in dealing with your alcoholics.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 9
Laney I am so sorry for you, unfortunely I can relate to your feelings. I lost a very good friend to alcholism, he was only 33 years old. When he got sick I didnt call the ambulance, cause I had seen him sick many times before, he never wanted to stop drinking, he never wanted to go to the hospital.
I found him dead and I keep thinking if only I had called the ambulance when he was feeling sick he would now still be alive. I somehow thought he would get better again by himself, like may times before. I still cant believe he really died, its seems so unreal... I never thought he would die so young.
I hope you can find peace with what happened with your sister. You did the best you could, in the end she would have been in and out the hospital with only more suffering and pain. Only they can choose to live and stop the addiction, you can't do it for them. Big hugs and love to you
I found him dead and I keep thinking if only I had called the ambulance when he was feeling sick he would now still be alive. I somehow thought he would get better again by himself, like may times before. I still cant believe he really died, its seems so unreal... I never thought he would die so young.
I hope you can find peace with what happened with your sister. You did the best you could, in the end she would have been in and out the hospital with only more suffering and pain. Only they can choose to live and stop the addiction, you can't do it for them. Big hugs and love to you
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 9
Thanks Seek for your posts. It also helps me a lot. I am still having guilt feelings about not calling the ambulance for my friend. I wonder what if i called? How many days, months, years he still would be alive? At the same time I know it would have been a cycle of in and out the hospital, his body was already so damaged and exhausted that he needed other people to call and save him when he would get sick.
A couple of months before he died people found him on the street in a delerium tremens, he was treated at the intensive Care. That experience didnt stop him from drinking. Its sad but i hope he is in peace now. I also talk to him a lot, it really helps.
A couple of months before he died people found him on the street in a delerium tremens, he was treated at the intensive Care. That experience didnt stop him from drinking. Its sad but i hope he is in peace now. I also talk to him a lot, it really helps.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast
Posts: 1,068
We who care for alcoholics/addicts do everything in our power to help - and often, it is not enough because it is not our problem to solve. We don't have superpowers - we can't wish them well.
And we are human and get exhausted and if we want to be healthy, have to set boundaries and take care of ourselves.
For most of us, this is not simple - we have so much guilt because we want so much for them to be healthy.
Their lives are theirs - their fates are theirs - their decisions lead to their consequences - their deaths have nothing to do with us.
I believe we all have our "times" to go (a few times we can exit given circumstances in a lifetime).
Life is not compatible with alcohol abuse. It just isn't.
Hope everyone who suffers from the actions of an alcoholic is healing and taking care of themselves.
Sending good thoughts
And we are human and get exhausted and if we want to be healthy, have to set boundaries and take care of ourselves.
For most of us, this is not simple - we have so much guilt because we want so much for them to be healthy.
Their lives are theirs - their fates are theirs - their decisions lead to their consequences - their deaths have nothing to do with us.
I believe we all have our "times" to go (a few times we can exit given circumstances in a lifetime).
Life is not compatible with alcohol abuse. It just isn't.
Hope everyone who suffers from the actions of an alcoholic is healing and taking care of themselves.
Sending good thoughts
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 20
My sister died too.....12/15/2016.....I am also heartbroken w
I am just so sad.....my beautiful sister died 12/15/2016 with a similar story. I wonder if the cause of death intracranial hemorrhage/trauma from a fall is intended to comfort the survivors? It doesn't comfort me, and I am sorry for your loss. I feel robbed.
But, I also wish I had done more.....like everyone else here.
But, I also wish I had done more.....like everyone else here.
Originally Posted by Laneyc55 
I've posted here before to get some help and advise on helping my alcoholic sister. I've been trying to help her for nearly 6 years now and was at the end of my rope. On the 19th of March I received a call to say my sister was ill again, falling around being sick. For the first time I said no I would not go. I advised the people calling me, some shady people she had been hanging around with that if they were concerned for her safety to please call her an ambulance, they never done this. She has in the past taken herself to hospital.
On the early hours of 24th March, police arrived at my house to advise me my sister had been found dead. She never did reach the hospital. I had started counselling the week before her death as i had been feeling so ill and exhausted trying to help her. I've been driving myself and my partner crazy for years, cleaning up after her, taking her to hospital, rehab. Picking her up from police. She lost everything through alcohol. I feel like I had given up on her the week before she died. The only time I said no and 1 week later she is dead. I don't know how I am going to live with myself. If I had went after that 1 phone call she could still be here now. She's my only sibling and both my parents are dead, they too had alcohol problems.
Only a few weeks before she died I had found her a free christian rehab place who were willing to take her. I wish I had gone and dragged her to that place now. She said initially she would go then would not take my calls or let me into her apartment. The guilt is killing me and I feel like I am going mad. I don't see any point to my life at the moment which is crazy I know. I'm ashamed to say sometimes I wished she would disappear and now she has and I'm heartbroken and devastated. Recently I had thought to myself if she does't stop then I'm going to kill myself wih exhaustion trying to help her. The stress I was under made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack sometimes. This is why I went to seek counselling only 1 week before she died. I will be 50 years old this year and have spend the last 40 years dealing with family members with alcohol problems. I have other relatives but it's not the same, there is only me now left from my family. My partner is a nice man but does not understand my guilt. This morning was very bad for me. The funeral has now passed and people are getting on with their lives but I'm feeling worse each and every day. I think I must have been on autopilot organizing her funeral and making arrangements but reality has now hit. I still have to clear her apartment and live each and every day with the guilt that I could have saved her but never went.
I came across some old emails I used to send to her addiction and social workers begging them to help her. This was over 3 years ago, at her last rehab. I sound like a crazy woman in these emails constantly checking up on her and almost stalking her. I think I almost ended up crazier than her without drinking. I had stopped doing this type of behaviour and would only check up on her every 1-2 weeks which was obviously not enought.
People keep telling me that it would have happened anyway or even if I had saved her again this time it would have happened next time. How do they know that this is not the time that she turned a corner? had had enough? wanted to change her life and finally stop destroying herself. I guess I will never know.
This detaching yourself with love that people go on about in Alanon sucks. People tell you walk away and get on with your own life, they must want to help themselves. What if they are too sick to help themselves? If she had cancer would I have left her to help herself? No! Why did I listen to people telling me to let her help herself., learn to say no! I feel like I left her dying on her own for the last week of her life. Her death was reported as Intracranial Haemorrhage not organ failure as I expected which makes me feel even worse. Has anyone else experienced the death of a loved one like this. How did you manage to cope?
On the early hours of 24th March, police arrived at my house to advise me my sister had been found dead. She never did reach the hospital. I had started counselling the week before her death as i had been feeling so ill and exhausted trying to help her. I've been driving myself and my partner crazy for years, cleaning up after her, taking her to hospital, rehab. Picking her up from police. She lost everything through alcohol. I feel like I had given up on her the week before she died. The only time I said no and 1 week later she is dead. I don't know how I am going to live with myself. If I had went after that 1 phone call she could still be here now. She's my only sibling and both my parents are dead, they too had alcohol problems.
Only a few weeks before she died I had found her a free christian rehab place who were willing to take her. I wish I had gone and dragged her to that place now. She said initially she would go then would not take my calls or let me into her apartment. The guilt is killing me and I feel like I am going mad. I don't see any point to my life at the moment which is crazy I know. I'm ashamed to say sometimes I wished she would disappear and now she has and I'm heartbroken and devastated. Recently I had thought to myself if she does't stop then I'm going to kill myself wih exhaustion trying to help her. The stress I was under made me feel like I was going to have a heart attack sometimes. This is why I went to seek counselling only 1 week before she died. I will be 50 years old this year and have spend the last 40 years dealing with family members with alcohol problems. I have other relatives but it's not the same, there is only me now left from my family. My partner is a nice man but does not understand my guilt. This morning was very bad for me. The funeral has now passed and people are getting on with their lives but I'm feeling worse each and every day. I think I must have been on autopilot organizing her funeral and making arrangements but reality has now hit. I still have to clear her apartment and live each and every day with the guilt that I could have saved her but never went.
I came across some old emails I used to send to her addiction and social workers begging them to help her. This was over 3 years ago, at her last rehab. I sound like a crazy woman in these emails constantly checking up on her and almost stalking her. I think I almost ended up crazier than her without drinking. I had stopped doing this type of behaviour and would only check up on her every 1-2 weeks which was obviously not enought.
People keep telling me that it would have happened anyway or even if I had saved her again this time it would have happened next time. How do they know that this is not the time that she turned a corner? had had enough? wanted to change her life and finally stop destroying herself. I guess I will never know.
This detaching yourself with love that people go on about in Alanon sucks. People tell you walk away and get on with your own life, they must want to help themselves. What if they are too sick to help themselves? If she had cancer would I have left her to help herself? No! Why did I listen to people telling me to let her help herself., learn to say no! I feel like I left her dying on her own for the last week of her life. Her death was reported as Intracranial Haemorrhage not organ failure as I expected which makes me feel even worse. Has anyone else experienced the death of a loved one like this. How did you manage to cope?
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 5
This is an old post but I had to respond. I feel like I'm ready my best friend's story. She lost her sister to suicide after she injected herself from drugs she stole as a nurse. Worse....she did it in front of her sons who thought it was a B-12 shot before bed and woke up finding her dead. I urged them all to seek counseling. She too felt like maybe there was something she could have done. I tried to spend time with my friend and her nephews because I was concerned for them all. One of her nephews later killed himself due to guilt at age 17. What your feeling is totally normal. Sometimes it is unbearable.
Anytime you lose someone like this it's overwhelming and confusing. I feel like those who seek professional help will recover. Those who deal with it on their own will be haunted for the rest of their lives.
You are not alone in your story and I'm glad your getting help. It's one of those things you never "get over". But you owe it to yourself to live life to the fullest without hardship holding you back. Best of luck and wishing you healing!
Anytime you lose someone like this it's overwhelming and confusing. I feel like those who seek professional help will recover. Those who deal with it on their own will be haunted for the rest of their lives.
You are not alone in your story and I'm glad your getting help. It's one of those things you never "get over". But you owe it to yourself to live life to the fullest without hardship holding you back. Best of luck and wishing you healing!
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