Laney, I am so sorry for your loss, and even sorrier that it has left you with the internalized guilt of the “what if” possibilities. First, you cannot change the pass nor can you predict the future, chances are equally as good that there was nothing you could have done to have changed the outcome.
Laney, I too lost a sister to alcoholism, 18 years ago; she was only 38. She spiraled out of control very fast, and was created havoc in everyone’s lives during her last few years. I loved my sister and did everything I could to help, as did my mother and sisters. I was her conservator at the end, and she dragged me in and out of the legal system, fighting me as I tried to help her. She too was in and out of hospitals with the late night calls from emergency staff advising family to come as soon as possible because she wasn’t expected to make it through the night.
I was exhausted, working full-time and raising two children, ages 9 & 10 when she passed. I was preparing to go out of town on vacation with my kids when she was once again in the hospital. I went to visit her, and she seemed the same as every other time, so I left on vacation as planned. The next evening I got the call that she had passed. Even though I couldn’t have done anything else, I still carried the guilt of choosing to leave instead of staying. It took me years to let go of the guilt of choosing to do something for myself, instead of putting my sister’s needs before mine; which is what you are struggling with.
Laney, alcoholism runs in my family lines too; my father died just months before my sister, and I became an alcoholic. Don’t let it claim another life. With the help of SR, I’ve had some successful runs at sobriety, and I am currently 3+ months sober.
Your sister was very lucky to have you to lean on for nearly a decade. You gave unselfishly, and now it’s time for you to move on and live your life. Your sister made choices in her life that you had no control of, you chose to assume responsibility for her mistakes, as did I. I haven’t been to Al-Anon, but I think we would both benefit from it. I can tell you in all honesty that the compulsion to drink is very real and is very hard to resist, and as others have shared, the only way out is for the addicted person to want to stop more than they want to drink.
Your sister is at peace now, God bless her soul. May you find peace in your life Laney, and live life to its fullest.