Oread

My ex-boyfriend was always so good about telling me he loves me. He still calls constantly and says he loves me and that he is going to change. I've heard it so many times now I no longer believe it. Is it possible for him to love me more than anything and betray my trust over and over like he has?

Is it right that I'm angry with him? He always says "Why are you acting like I'm such a horrible person? I have a disease."

I used to be forgiving and understanding in the beginning but after four years and literally hundreds of incidents and lies and after crying countless times I just got angry.

He keeps texting me and I wish he would stop. I sent this today:


I just hope it was all worth it to you....you were a good boyfriend most of the time but in the end it means nothing when drinking is more important to you.

I hope every drink was worth it. I hope every time you were embarrassed in front of your friends and blamed me for your "sobriety" it was worth it. I hope every time you look into Calvin's face, Steve's face, Chris's face, or whatever bum's face it is worth it to you. I hop they give you the love I gave you,

I hope it was worth it the time you called me a c***. The times you left the door wide open for my cat to get out. The times you balled your fists at me. The times you pissed on the floor. The times you lied to me. The times you made me anxious and sad. The times you told me to get the f^^^ out. The time you shoved me.

The times you told me it all wasn't a big deal.

I hope it was all ^ucking worth it.


Am I'm being too mean? I feel like I can send these kinds of messages till I'm blue in the face but it never registers or lasts in the way I want it to....

He responded saying it wasn't worth it. He's going to stay sober and rebuild trust. That I'm the best thing in his life.

I'm so sad because I still want it to be true.

Hangnbyathread

Yeah that whole I have a disease thing.......seems convenient. "You wouldn't leave me if I had cancer would you"......I heard a few too many times.

I finally responded with, if you got abusive, manipulative, lied and cheated on me because of cancer....yes I'd leave you.

I agree and completely concur its a disease. However the addict has self control. The recovered ones...do so by making lifestyle changes. Both in the heart and in daily practice.

MIRecovery

You have every right to feel the way you do. Time will tell if he stays sober but a very good indicator is he working a program of recovery? Is he making fundamental changes in his life?

I have the same disease and I have been sober for 6+ years. Just because I'm sick doesn't mean I can't do the things that keep me healthy

suki44883

Alcoholism is a disease that can be put into remission. It takes work, but it can certainly be done. Many alcoholics just don't want to put in the hard work and do whatever is necessary. That's what it boils down to.

The fact that there are so many people just on this site who have managed to live sober proves that it can be done, if it is wanted badly enough.

I have said this for years. A disease doesn't give you the right to treat people badly.

Oread

That makes a lot of sense. A lot of times I thought I could deal with the alcoholism (occasional relapses I mean) if it didn't come with the lying and manipulation but rather honesty and humility. Trust means everything....

Oread

That is very admirable. I hope he is able to get to the same place. He is seeing a therapist but has been for months with no progress. He has gone to on AA meeting...as far as I know that is it.

Ariesagain

If he had cancer or a broken leg would he refuse to get treatment for it and make your life hell instead?

I have very mixed opinions about whether addiction is in fact a disease, but I'm dead sure it isn't a Get Out Of Jail Free card for whatever abuse and lies he's dishing out at any given time.

You deserve a better life.

sugarbear1

If he's not working on sobriety with all the gusto he's got, then it's all just more quacking and quacking.....

teatreeoil007

Sometimes I wonder: Is it a disease or is it an excuse?

I could swear in a lot of cases it is an EXCUSE.

But, let's say it IS disease and he is "sick". Is it okay for sick people to abuse their loved ones? No, absolutely not! Nobody should put up with being abused. But we co-dependents somehow buy into the notion that we "have no choice"; it's just the way it is, BLAH,BLAH,BLAH. Enough, already.

I once had a boss that I went to with a "problem"; a problem that kept repeating itself and nothing was being done to correct this problem. Do you know what she told me,"Oh, we have to learn to live with this...and there's not much we can do about that...." BLAH,BLAH,BLAH...And I felt like saying, 'Watch me...'

You see, thinking there is "nothing you can do" is defeatist language.

There IS something you can do. You DON'T have to put up with abuse. And, yes, sometimes it does come down to needing to leave; get out of the relationship of situation in which abuse is occurring. I am not saying leave your boyfriend NOW, but the reality is that he may NEVER change.

amy55

WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON?

I'm not seeing any responsibility that he is taking for himself. I see he is still in the blame game.

((((hugs)))))
amy

MIRecovery

Personally I'd say things look grim. To contrast I went to either IOP or AA 6 times a week for 4 months, then just AA 6 times a week for the next year. I still go 3 times a week, I have a dry house, seldom go to drinking situations, have a group of sober friends, joined a church, pray daily, post on SR daily, actively try to become a better person, have a whole set of sober activities. When I talk about fundamental change these are the type of things he should be moving towards. The specifics don't make a difference but a commitment to a healthy life does

Liveitwell

Alcoholism is a disease of the mind....the drinking is just how it manifests itself. Alcoholics have a choice to seek treatment, just like anyone else with a disease or something that is hurting them. I would never have left my spouse if something had happened to him-a bad car wreck, illness, etc. But I did leave due to his choice to make our family's life a living hell with his continued choice to keep drinking and dish out abuse, neglect, abandonment and fear.

It doesbt really matter what IT is or what you call it. You have every right to be angry or feel whatever it is you feel!!

LexieCat

I do believe it's a disease, and I don't think it's as simple as making a "choice" to get sober. Alcoholism affects the brain, and there is an obsession to drink because it's the only way the alcoholic feels he can survive. That's not an exaggeration.

Why some people get that "moment of clarity" where they are desperate enough, and willing enough, to do the incredibly hard work involved in getting sober and staying that way, while others seem not to, is anybody's guess.

Regardless of the disease/choice aspect of it, alcoholics remain responsible for their actions. Furthermore, many alcoholics are not abusive. The abuse is a whole separate issue, even if it becomes worse when you put alcohol into the mix.

Let me ask this--does sending him nasty texts do anything for YOU, other than keep you in a ball of anger? I can pretty much guarantee it isn't doing anything for him. Neither would sweet, sad, pleading texts from you. It isn't something you can manipulate another person out of. He's got to find his own way.

And so should you. Have you been to Al-Anon? If not, now would be an excellent time to start.

Thomas45

I find that I can extrapolate this across the entirety of life itself: anything worth doing in life takes time and dedication. A common thing I hear from people is "I want to learn how to play guitar," but what they're really saying is that they want to be able to pick up a guitar and be an instant prodigy. They don't want to put in the countless hours per week building up their skill, finger strength, and calluses. The same thing goes for people wanting to get sober - they might want to be sober, but they're not ready or not willing to put in the time and effort to get there, they just want the instant gratification of being able to snap their fingers and say "Hey, I'm sober! I instantly cured my disease with the power of my mind!"

redatlanta

You are already sending those texts while being blue in the face, and you have already determined what he will deliver. Zero.

Dude has more issues than alcoholism. He is physically and verbally abusive. That's not about the alcohol.

Is it possible for him to love me more than anything and betray my trust over and over like he has? NO.

Liveitwell

^ bingo. Friend, do you know how many times my ex swore to God that he loved me and our family more than anything and that he would do anything for us? I bought those lies-meanwhile loving us more than anything meant neglecting all of us over and over, causing fear to me and his okdest daughter, abusing us, lying, etc. That is not love. Do you know how many thousands of texts and emails I sent my then husband telling him he was ripping apart our marriage and our family and making me crazy bc of his lies and abuse? I twisted and turned my words and tried for years to get the right wording that somehow he would get it this time. None made any difference to him whatsoever. Nada. The only thing that made a difference to me and our girls is when I said the simple word all alcohokics hate, NO. No more.

Like you, for years and years I was forgiving and understanding....and then got depressed and started feeling literally insane. That's what living with alcoholism abd abuse does. The amount of anger I held inside and expressed at times was disgusting. But it was how I felt it has taken a long time to work through that. Truth be told I was more angry at myself for not standing up for myself and my children...BE angry-but get it out in some positive way. Don't stuff it.

Your guy, just like my ex guy, had WAY more issues than just drinking. He is not trustworthy. His definition of love is abuse, manipulation, entitlement, no empathy and lying-is tat what you want to settle for? (Again, said with empathy bc I have been there and DID settle for that and bought it all).

Peace to you.

healthyagain

Yes, you have right to be angry and you have right to stand up for yourself because apparently, you were abused. He abused you verbally, he balled his fists at you, he shoved you. . . and then he pulls out a sob story about the disease . . . pure quacking and manipulation in my opinion.

You know, he does not need you to hold his hand while he is transitioning from an ugly alcoholic duckling into a beautiful sober swan. It is his own journey.

Berrybean

Exactly as above. I'm now just over 2 years sober, and in that 2 years my life has become more manageable and I'm no longer drowning in my disease because I stay in the middle of the life raft. I have a friend who springs to mind who is also alcoholic. He went to a meeting. He decided it's a disease and not his fault, and tells people he can't help it. I have a lot of love for that man, but was very pleased for his long term partner when she made the decision to leave. She was getting drowned in HIS unmanageable life. Now she has a lovely little rented place (no urine anywhere but down the toilet, and she keeps the doors closed overnight). Financially it's a balancing act but doable. She has recently met a new partner and is very well and happy. If she had stayed with him and the disease that he has decided not to treat, things would be very different for her.

You cannot control him. What you CAN control is who you decide to be with and where. Right or wrong, this is how your partner IS. Changing him is not an option. If you don't want to be with someone who behaves like that you know what you need to do. It can be as simple as, do you want to be with someone who treats you badly, or do you want to live a happy and peaceful life? Once you've decided that you can work on how to achieve it.

FeelingGreat

I'm a recovered A, but I did get to the point where it was too worrying to carry on, and I was able to stop. It took a few tries, and i didn't think I could do it for a while.

I don't think addiction is a disease because it's not something you catch like a virus. Many people have to work at becoming addicted (it took me a while to get to that point). They may have a genetic pre-disposition, but that gene doesn't have to be expressed.

But let's say it is a disease - are you ready to go down with the ship? You can sacrifice many years out of a sense of loyalty, or even love, but in the end you only get one life. If he chooses to descend further into alcoholic h*ll, will you go with him?

SeriousKarma

If you had a loved one who kept subjecting you to cholera, day after day, year after year, and refused to wash there hands or stop pooping in your water, you'd have a right to be angry.

It really doesn't matter how much they love you when they continually poop in your water.

What you do with that anger is another issue. There's no point in restating the obvious to someone who doesn't want to hear it. That need to vent in the hopes of resolution only serves to keep us trapped in a negative cycle. In a way that's how we non-addicts catch the "disease".

I found Alanon especially helpful in breaking that cycle.