xAH got arrested..now what to do..
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Join Date: Mar 2016
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xAH got arrested..now what to do..
Some of you may have seen my previous posts on here in regards to my x alcoholic abusive husband and our custody dispute. Well, i have a protective order against him that covers me in my daughter. Daughter in the sense that he is to have no contact with her outside of the rules within the order. Visitation got suspended in December and since then hes been basically harassing the daycare showing up whenever he feels like it to go see her. Well, I had had enough of his strange and erratic behavior. He then drove by me as i was walking to my car..slowly..gave me a menacing look/nod and drove off. Then his mom texted me that he had seen me and where was our daughter. Well i dont take her to work, so thats a stupid question.
I called the police and he got arrested on two counts of violating the protective order. Originally he was held without bond and spent two days in the jail. The DA fought hard to have him held without bond, but to no avail the judge let him out until his trial date (there are 2 separate ones) and refused to address the issue of my daughter.
His family came to the rescue, paid his bond, testified to his great character in court bla bla.
So now, i have 3 court dates within one week coming up in a month. Custody and now these two. I am once again at the mercy of judges who have consistently let him get away with everything. I am torn further apart from his family who already hated me, and I have no idea what the judge will decide on as far as custody is concerned. My depression and anxiety is getting worse. I know nothing about his life, if he is sober or he isnt (although based upon his behavior i would assume not), but he is no longer being monitored. I am scared to death. I keep asking God, why is this my life? How could i let this happen? I love my daughter so much i am willing to do anything for her including suffer through court date after court date and get beaten down consistently to try to hold on to her. But mentally I feel like I am drowning, and if something doesnt change, i am going to lose every bit of myself in this.
I called the police and he got arrested on two counts of violating the protective order. Originally he was held without bond and spent two days in the jail. The DA fought hard to have him held without bond, but to no avail the judge let him out until his trial date (there are 2 separate ones) and refused to address the issue of my daughter.
His family came to the rescue, paid his bond, testified to his great character in court bla bla.
So now, i have 3 court dates within one week coming up in a month. Custody and now these two. I am once again at the mercy of judges who have consistently let him get away with everything. I am torn further apart from his family who already hated me, and I have no idea what the judge will decide on as far as custody is concerned. My depression and anxiety is getting worse. I know nothing about his life, if he is sober or he isnt (although based upon his behavior i would assume not), but he is no longer being monitored. I am scared to death. I keep asking God, why is this my life? How could i let this happen? I love my daughter so much i am willing to do anything for her including suffer through court date after court date and get beaten down consistently to try to hold on to her. But mentally I feel like I am drowning, and if something doesnt change, i am going to lose every bit of myself in this.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, breathe. It's gonna be OK.
Are you working with an advocate? If not, get hooked up with one through the DA's Office or your local women's shelter. If you've already got an advocate, this is the time to lean on her. Let her know what you're worried about--she can help you work this through.
Judges do NOT take kindly to people who violate their orders. This seems to be a pretty darned clear violation. He didn't just casually drive down the street when you wouldn't be expected to be there.
The order is ONLY good to the extent you're willing to follow through when he violates it. His family doesn't like you? Tough beans. They don't have to like you. I'd cut off all contact with them if I were you. Don't answer the phone. Don't respond to texts/emails (and block them if you can).
Continue to document EVERYTHING.
Most abusers will "test" the order (and you) to see what they can get away with. Don't give him an inch. The showing up at your daughter's daycare is serious stuff.
And whether he's "sober" or not has nothing to do with this. Many abusers just become more effective when they aren't drinking. Drinking <-->Abuse. Two separate animals (though there is some correlation).
Are you working with an advocate? If not, get hooked up with one through the DA's Office or your local women's shelter. If you've already got an advocate, this is the time to lean on her. Let her know what you're worried about--she can help you work this through.
Judges do NOT take kindly to people who violate their orders. This seems to be a pretty darned clear violation. He didn't just casually drive down the street when you wouldn't be expected to be there.
The order is ONLY good to the extent you're willing to follow through when he violates it. His family doesn't like you? Tough beans. They don't have to like you. I'd cut off all contact with them if I were you. Don't answer the phone. Don't respond to texts/emails (and block them if you can).
Continue to document EVERYTHING.
Most abusers will "test" the order (and you) to see what they can get away with. Don't give him an inch. The showing up at your daughter's daycare is serious stuff.
And whether he's "sober" or not has nothing to do with this. Many abusers just become more effective when they aren't drinking. Drinking <-->Abuse. Two separate animals (though there is some correlation).
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
OK, breathe. It's gonna be OK.
Are you working with an advocate? If not, get hooked up with one through the DA's Office or your local women's shelter. If you've already got an advocate, this is the time to lean on her. Let her know what you're worried about--she can help you work this through.
Judges do NOT take kindly to people who violate their orders. This seems to be a pretty darned clear violation. He didn't just casually drive down the street when you wouldn't be expected to be there.
The order is ONLY good to the extent you're willing to follow through when he violates it. His family doesn't like you? Tough beans. They don't have to like you. I'd cut off all contact with them if I were you. Don't answer the phone. Don't respond to texts/emails (and block them if you can).
Continue to document EVERYTHING.
Most abusers will "test" the order (and you) to see what they can get away with. Don't give him an inch. The showing up at your daughter's daycare is serious stuff.
And whether he's "sober" or not has nothing to do with this. Many abusers just become more effective when they aren't drinking. Drinking <-->Abuse. Two separate animals (though there is some correlation).
Are you working with an advocate? If not, get hooked up with one through the DA's Office or your local women's shelter. If you've already got an advocate, this is the time to lean on her. Let her know what you're worried about--she can help you work this through.
Judges do NOT take kindly to people who violate their orders. This seems to be a pretty darned clear violation. He didn't just casually drive down the street when you wouldn't be expected to be there.
The order is ONLY good to the extent you're willing to follow through when he violates it. His family doesn't like you? Tough beans. They don't have to like you. I'd cut off all contact with them if I were you. Don't answer the phone. Don't respond to texts/emails (and block them if you can).
Continue to document EVERYTHING.
Most abusers will "test" the order (and you) to see what they can get away with. Don't give him an inch. The showing up at your daughter's daycare is serious stuff.
And whether he's "sober" or not has nothing to do with this. Many abusers just become more effective when they aren't drinking. Drinking <-->Abuse. Two separate animals (though there is some correlation).
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
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BB-hugs. Many hugs. You've gotten great advice. Just know I've dealt with this as well. Just stay strong for yourself and kiddo. Document everything so the courts know exactly what type of monster they are dealing with.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
YOU aren't subpoenaing the daycare workers, the DA is. This sort of thing is less uncommon than you think. YOU have done nothing wrong, nor has your little girl.
The fact that the judge let him remain out on bail doesn't mean that s/he won't find a violation of the order. And I'm not sure what you mean when you say the judge wouldn't "address" the issue of your daughter. Do you mean that you wanted to change the visitation or something? The judge may not have felt it was the appropriate time to do that until the violation had been adjudicated. I think that's debatable--but sometimes things have to proceed in a certain fashion. I wouldn't necessarily assume that the judge thinks that's OK.
One step at a time. Even when someone is found not guilty, there's still value in calling him on every single violation. I know it sucks that you have to be inconvenienced and embarrassed when YOU have done nothing wrong, but hang in there. Only relentless enforcement of the order will get him to stop.
The fact that the judge let him remain out on bail doesn't mean that s/he won't find a violation of the order. And I'm not sure what you mean when you say the judge wouldn't "address" the issue of your daughter. Do you mean that you wanted to change the visitation or something? The judge may not have felt it was the appropriate time to do that until the violation had been adjudicated. I think that's debatable--but sometimes things have to proceed in a certain fashion. I wouldn't necessarily assume that the judge thinks that's OK.
One step at a time. Even when someone is found not guilty, there's still value in calling him on every single violation. I know it sucks that you have to be inconvenienced and embarrassed when YOU have done nothing wrong, but hang in there. Only relentless enforcement of the order will get him to stop.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Lexie is so right!!! I know you are tired and anxious. Its good that you called. The DA's are on your side, and he keeps pushing the envelope.
While he may have gotten away with more than he should, his day is coming. You must believe that.
While he may have gotten away with more than he should, his day is coming. You must believe that.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
Originally Posted by LexieCat
YOU aren't subpoenaing the daycare workers, the DA is. This sort of thing is less uncommon than you think. YOU have done nothing wrong, nor has your little girl.
The fact that the judge let him remain out on bail doesn't mean that s/he won't find a violation of the order. And I'm not sure what you mean when you say the judge wouldn't "address" the issue of your daughter. Do you mean that you wanted to change the visitation or something? The judge may not have felt it was the appropriate time to do that until the violation had been adjudicated. I think that's debatable--but sometimes things have to proceed in a certain fashion. I wouldn't necessarily assume that the judge thinks that's OK.
One step at a time. Even when someone is found not guilty, there's still value in calling him on every single violation. I know it sucks that you have to be inconvenienced and embarrassed when YOU have done nothing wrong, but hang in there. Only relentless enforcement of the order will get him to stop.
The fact that the judge let him remain out on bail doesn't mean that s/he won't find a violation of the order. And I'm not sure what you mean when you say the judge wouldn't "address" the issue of your daughter. Do you mean that you wanted to change the visitation or something? The judge may not have felt it was the appropriate time to do that until the violation had been adjudicated. I think that's debatable--but sometimes things have to proceed in a certain fashion. I wouldn't necessarily assume that the judge thinks that's OK.
One step at a time. Even when someone is found not guilty, there's still value in calling him on every single violation. I know it sucks that you have to be inconvenienced and embarrassed when YOU have done nothing wrong, but hang in there. Only relentless enforcement of the order will get him to stop.
My daughter drew a picture today of me and my boyfriend and her and her daddy all together. She hasn't seen her dad in 6 months. But she remembers him, and it just killed me. Things like this rip us further apart. But I know I have to do it, and I am only responsible for my actions. But even so, in some weird way, it hurts to do.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, well, if I sound like the DA, it's because that used to be my job. :-) I do know a bit about how these things work. And the judge who determines bail often DOESN'T have the full picture. I'm glad your case will be going to the judge who is familiar with your case.
You're protecting your daughter, so don't take it on yourself that you're somehow tearing the family apart. It isn't you who's doing it.
Hugs, hang in there--you can do this! And I'm sure the daycare will be more than happy to get him to knock it off. It puts them in a terrible position.
You're protecting your daughter, so don't take it on yourself that you're somehow tearing the family apart. It isn't you who's doing it.
Hugs, hang in there--you can do this! And I'm sure the daycare will be more than happy to get him to knock it off. It puts them in a terrible position.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
Originally Posted by LexieCat
OK, well, if I sound like the DA, it's because that used to be my job. :-) I do know a bit about how these things work. And the judge who determines bail often DOESN'T have the full picture. I'm glad your case will be going to the judge who is familiar with your case.
You're protecting your daughter, so don't take it on yourself that you're somehow tearing the family apart. It isn't you who's doing it.
Hugs, hang in there--you can do this! And I'm sure the daycare will be more than happy to get him to knock it off. It puts them in a terrible position.
You're protecting your daughter, so don't take it on yourself that you're somehow tearing the family apart. It isn't you who's doing it.
Hugs, hang in there--you can do this! And I'm sure the daycare will be more than happy to get him to knock it off. It puts them in a terrible position.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Midwest
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Originally Posted by bluebird418
. But mentally I feel like I am drowning, and if something doesnt change, i am going to lose every bit of myself in this.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((bluebird))
hate you are going thru such a difficult time but to give you encouragement, please think about your daughter ~
think about that she will not always be this little girl
she will be a young lady one day
a young lady that will be dating
Today you are giving the example that it is NOT ok for someone who is suppose to care about you to stalk, abuse, mistreat or manipulate you. You are showing her to have dignity and self-respect. That if it's not healthy - walk away - if it's dangerous - RUN away.
what a beautiful, loving gift to give your daughter.
pink hugs!
hate you are going thru such a difficult time but to give you encouragement, please think about your daughter ~
think about that she will not always be this little girl
she will be a young lady one day
a young lady that will be dating
Today you are giving the example that it is NOT ok for someone who is suppose to care about you to stalk, abuse, mistreat or manipulate you. You are showing her to have dignity and self-respect. That if it's not healthy - walk away - if it's dangerous - RUN away.
what a beautiful, loving gift to give your daughter.
pink hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 142
Originally Posted by MsPINKAcres
((bluebird))
hate you are going thru such a difficult time but to give you encouragement, please think about your daughter ~
think about that she will not always be this little girl
she will be a young lady one day
a young lady that will be dating
Today you are giving the example that it is NOT ok for someone who is suppose to care about you to stalk, abuse, mistreat or manipulate you. You are showing her to have dignity and self-respect. That if it's not healthy - walk away - if it's dangerous - RUN away.
what a beautiful, loving gift to give your daughter.
pink hugs!
hate you are going thru such a difficult time but to give you encouragement, please think about your daughter ~
think about that she will not always be this little girl
she will be a young lady one day
a young lady that will be dating
Today you are giving the example that it is NOT ok for someone who is suppose to care about you to stalk, abuse, mistreat or manipulate you. You are showing her to have dignity and self-respect. That if it's not healthy - walk away - if it's dangerous - RUN away.
what a beautiful, loving gift to give your daughter.
pink hugs!
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