RegretFree

In my experience, ever since I have had the desire to remain sober, which was until about a year ago,

I have learned that almost ALL of my triggers have been derived externally, and not from my body or mind telling me that I need to drink just for fun or to have a good time. I can stay sober at a party/bar/club and still enjoy myself, in fact most times I don't drink when I am at these sorts of places.

Alcohol for me, just tends to become a go-to solution when others don't approve of me- family members mostly.

It took me a while to analyze this pattern, but I am glad that I did.

Intrinsically, I feel complete. I don't feel that anything is wrong with me, and I don't have any self esteem issues, no depression, nothing like that. I am actually a very happy and proud person.

The issue for me is that I have been around quite a few toxic people in my life, for far too long now, I still am- in fact. And sometimes the toxicity becomes too much to handle.

And then I drink.

I somehow, on many occasions find myself to be the victim of something I am not responsible for. If somebody around me isn't feeling good or is having a bad day, they take it out on me. This scr*ws my mood up, and then I drink.

Over time, I have realized that I have no power over what others think/feel/do, and I am resigned to whatever the situation is- good or bad. More often than not, it doesn't really have much to do with me.

I have a very hard time dealing with toxic people.

I am trying to become more and more emotionally independent, learning to not rely on others for my own happiness and sanity, but it is a new concept for me as I am a fairly young person at this time.

Have you had similar triggers?

Would love to hear from you.

Delizadee

I we all have a dialogue that describes our mindset.
Saying I'm a powerless victim is a very strong qualifier.
You have a very solid view over not being able to influence certain aspects of yourself in your life.

The truth is that random things happen to everyone. Our internal script does not need to be dictated by outside factors alone though.
We always have choice in life, in everything.
So long as we are alive we choose how we act and how we react.

Shifting the focus from victim to victor is up to us. You can examine what role you played in getting yourself to a certain negative point in your life. You can ask yourself what you can learn from the situation or person that is negatively affecting you and consider how you can turn it into a positive. What can you learn from this? What can you do differently right now or in the future to change the outcome?
Emotional dependency is a tough one but can be unlearned. The difference is learning to be mindful of our emotions instead of just going with the flow of them.
Addicts are reactive people with no or poorly constructed coping mechanisms. Valiantly tackling a sober life can be difficult and scary at times but it's what builds character and helps many to lead very fulfilling lives. We all have it in us, whether we are addicts or not. Just up to each and everyone to be willing to do the honest work on a daily basis to live our best lives.

Good post, gets me to thinking. I lived most of my life feeling victimized and sometimes still do. There is no power or hope in that though. Feeling like we are powerless in any situation is an easy excuse to hold ourselves back from true happiness and put fault and responsibility on others.

Soberwolf

Have you got a recovery plan or programme

Opivotal

I struggled ALOT with toxic people in early recovery. They would trigger me like crazy.

I've stopped all contact with them. It was a very hard step to make, but so worth it to me.

My sobriety had to come first.

RegretFree

Very very insightful, Delizadee. Thank you so much!

I feel that you understood that I was complaining about being 'victimized', which maybe in a way I was, but I was leaning towards perhaps getting to know and learn from others' experiences in a process towards becoming emotionally independent.

That is what I am focused on to be honest, I don't really care whether I am the 'victim' or not, I don't want to be affected by what happens around me- things that I haven't had a hand in.

And allow me the liberty to say that "what happens to you isn't what matters, and how you react does", is easier said than done, at least it has been in my personal experience. You can put a 100 things down on paper, but it's the practice which makes it reality.

Once again, thanks for your comment! Much appreciated.

RegretFree

I would have to say that I don't have a plan, so as to put it.

But I did lay down a few ground rules which I have been sticking to so far, and it's been a little over 2 weeks that I have remained sober.

Could you elaborate further on what you exactly mean by 'having a recovery plan'?

Thanks Wolfy, much appreciated.

RegretFree

Thanks for your response, Optivotal.

Unfortunately, some of the toxic people in my life are family members themselves. And at this time, it isn't possible to stop contact with them.

Soberwolf

Hi RegretFree having a plan can be SR, AA, Smart, AVRT, Lifering, SOS, these are all mainstream plans & programs

I think acceptance & learning about alcoholism in general is a good start things like reaching out if you feel urges & cravings will also really help

As for putting an individual plan together check this out

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

If I can help further feel free to pm

Delizadee

I talk a lot without getting to my point. lol
You are exactly right. Actually your post really helped me today, because i have been falling back into my why me mindset due to toxic people in my life too. I did have to put a solid wall up between some family members for the time being. I'll worry about those relationships when I'm solid in my sobriety.

It's not that what happens to you doesn't matter. But what makes us who we are is what we decide to do about it.
(Sorry if I made it sound like I was saying you were feeling victimized- I'm likely projecting myself here and the truth is *I* most definitely have sat and continue to fall back into the victim role more than I'd like to admit. )

In any case. I have to be very clear in the boundaries I'm setting with people. Some I have no contact, some I have limited and others I just do my best to be open and honest.

I try really hard to look at my feelings and motivations behind my actions before I say or do anything. I know I can't change anyone but myself so if it's not serving me in a good or useful way I change the rules.


There is a link for recovery plan on here. They are a great tool.
There is also a recovery book that addresses emotional dependency and getting to the heart of the issue.

RegretFree

I am so glad that my post was of use to you, Delizadee.

It's hard building that wall between family members, but at some point, it has to be done. I can feel what you have gone through.

There is no need to say sorry! I possibly was projecting myself as a 'victim', and the fact that you pointed that out led to me thinking- "hey, i'm not a victim, i don't need this sh*t", and "other's sh*it ain't my sh*t, so why even bother getting thoughtfully and emotionally involved".

That was brilliance of you, Delizadee. Thanks for that!

Unfortunately, until August, there isn't much I can do to minimize contact with the toxic people in my own life, as you have been able to (wow!).

This is something that makes me so joyous. I am a firm believer in 'karma', and I am always mindful of what I say and do, at least I try to be, such that I do NOT, under any circumstance, hurt anyone around myself. Cheers on that!

Thank you so much!

Hope you're having a bright day in Canada!

RegretFree

Thanks Wolfy.

At this point in time, I don't feel like 'outing' myself to the world.

Perhaps subconsciously, I think that my problem isn't as bad to be in one.

I am two weeks+ sober, so we will see how that works out.

thomas11

HI regretfree, to answer your question, yes, I've had those triggers in my life. And one of them is my own mother. What I have done is eliminate the toxic people, and with the ones I can't eliminate, I set boundaries and stick to them. It is difficult, especially with family, but it may help you keep your sanity. I wish you the best.

sleepie

In a way. I have a learning disorder, and I didn't know til later in my life. So I was often targeted by people who lied to me and used me. I have a tendency to take others at face value.

I often felt horrible but didn't know why... as a result of being treated this way.

People can be awful. I don't drink anymore when someone hurts me though. I am learning a little more how to keep crappy people out of my life.

RegretFree

Thank you all for your responses.

I have concluded that the real and only solution is to just let go, just to let people be themselves, and to not expect them to be righteous every time.

Putting someone on a pedestal (including parents and family members) all the time isn't healthy, at least it hasn't been in my own experience.

Everybody is human. Nobody is a 100% perfect, never. And it would be wise to simply accept this fact, than to constantly keep questioning "why so".

All feedback is appreciated.

Cheers,
RF

Ananda

Hi

I'm going through some thearapy right now as I struggle to keep my sobriety and build it.

One thing that came up both by you (the OP) and by others is the "victim" thing. I want to share my experience on this "term". I (and everyone else) are often victims! To deny that is sorta like taking the blame for others actions toward me. It's different for everyone, but for me I insist on accepting that I am sometimes the "victim". This allows me to face the truth that it was NOT my fault. Additionally, I don't want to be a "survivor" because that just means you made it through and usually that you are securing your borders to stay "safe". I want to thrive

I have many toxic people in my life today. I believe everyone does. It isn't just family, if you work you will probably end up stuck with some toxics. One of the best things that helps me (when I'm able to remember it instead of freaking out and loosing it) is what Ajan Sumedo says .... "don't take it personally". To take the step back and realize that it doesn't even matter who I am or what I do, my mom (substitute co-worker, brother, friend, etc.) is going to do and say what she does. I could be perfect and others are still going to be who they are. I even see it in my reactions to my son .... nothing to do with him (well sometimes lol) ... It's my stuff that is causing my reactions.

I believe that deep thinking about this stuff is necessary. Then again that is just my belief and therefore not an absolute truth

nands

RegretFree

That's an excellent piece of advice, Nands.

I cannot agree with you more. People will do/say/think/feel what they wish to/are going through.

That is not in my control. What I can control, however, is whether I choose to involve myself into the given situation.

And on some level, I do think it is more than possible to simply let the emotions of others flow- as intended, and to consciously not intervene and make things even more complicated than they actually are.

Your comment led me to thinking, that in every unhealthy/derivative relationship, there is always a victor and a victim, not limited to humans. It's just the way of life, I guess.

As humans, we are compelled by modern society (and so many other factors) to play the role of victim many, many times in our lives. Some individuals have to, more often than others. But eventually, everyone becomes a victim.

Something to ponder upon.

Thanks!

teatreeoil007

RF: I can totally relate to having to deal with 'toxic people'; whether is in your family, friends, social connections, career, schooling, whatever. There are a lot of toxic people out and about; well some of them stay home a lot I suppose...(wink).

But the gist of it is for me that everywhere we go we have a chance of running into a person who is "toxic" to us. That person may NOT be toxic to everyone, but to us they are for whatever reason(s). Some of that is comprised of life experiences, scar tissue carried over from previous bad experiences...at any rate toxic people and toxic situations and toxic environments can definitely be triggers. Good boundaries are not only good, but essential because unless we all become hermits we will have human interaction. But, it sort like learning to deal with the "in-laws"; maybe we just have limit our time around certain people; limit our exposure. For me, it's learning how not to get sucked into other people's drama which seems to *have*no*end*. It just goes on and on and on and we wonder why we feel a bit spent because of that. I know for myself that I need a certain amount of *peace-and-quiet* in order to be healthy. I need alone time; I need down time. I need time and space to recharge my batteries. If I don't get that-well, it's not good.

Some people are not toxic through and through, but perhaps are doing things that are a toxic influence, if that makes any sense...

fini

I somehow, on many occasions find myself to be the victim of something I am not responsible for.

i used to find that, too.
after a ton of 'work' and listening to others and looking at my part in stuff, i could see from a different perspective: yes, i was affected by stuff. i was also, in various ways, a participant. i saw myself as victim because i wasn't able or ready to take real responsibility for myself.
ah, okay, so there's the 'r'-word.

i'm responsible for myself.
i'm not to blame for what others do, but i am respons-ible, as in: i'm responsible for how i respond.

something may not be 'my fault' at all, yet how i respond , how i am responsible, is my responsibility.

if, as you say, you feel intrinsically complete, why the need for a "go-to solution" when approval from others isn't forthcoming?

took me a long time to get to this point. hard slog. but so worth it!

MissPerfumado

I really like the way fini put it.

If you're the sort of person to whom personal development and evolution is important (and most of us here do seem to fit into that category), then the fact that you're thinking about this, and you are still young, is very promising. The gifts that lie along the road you are setting on include acceptance, forgiveness and freedom (a word that I prefer to "independence" because it sounds more joyous). All the best on your self-discovery. I'm on a similar road.

RegretFree

Excellence. That's possibly the best word in my book to describe your post.

I too, like you, need my own "me / peaceful / quiet" time. It is very important to me, and if I don't have that, I feel awful.

Also, I agree that certain hostility from people is the result of previous events and arguments. But that, at least in my opinion, is no excuse for anyone to behave badly.

One needs to be mindful of the present, and need not seek vengeance for the past.

Thank you!