Becoming emotionally independent
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by fini 
I somehow, on many occasions find myself to be the victim of something I am not responsible for.
i used to find that, too.
after a ton of 'work' and listening to others and looking at my part in stuff, i could see from a different perspective: yes, i was affected by stuff. i was also, in various ways, a participant. i saw myself as victim because i wasn't able or ready to take real responsibility for myself.
ah, okay, so there's the 'r'-word.
i'm responsible for myself.
i'm not to blame for what others do, but i am respons-ible, as in: i'm responsible for how i respond.
something may not be 'my fault' at all, yet how i respond , how i am responsible, is my responsibility.
if, as you say, you feel intrinsically complete, why the need for a "go-to solution" when approval from others isn't forthcoming?
took me a long time to get to this point. hard slog. but so worth it!
i used to find that, too.
after a ton of 'work' and listening to others and looking at my part in stuff, i could see from a different perspective: yes, i was affected by stuff. i was also, in various ways, a participant. i saw myself as victim because i wasn't able or ready to take real responsibility for myself.
ah, okay, so there's the 'r'-word.
i'm responsible for myself.
i'm not to blame for what others do, but i am respons-ible, as in: i'm responsible for how i respond.
something may not be 'my fault' at all, yet how i respond , how i am responsible, is my responsibility.
if, as you say, you feel intrinsically complete, why the need for a "go-to solution" when approval from others isn't forthcoming?
took me a long time to get to this point. hard slog. but so worth it!
I have only just started. Perhaps there will be roadblocks and bumps in between, but I must be mentally prepared.
Thanks!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by MissPerfumado
I really like the way fini put it.
If you're the sort of person to whom personal development and evolution is important (and most of us here do seem to fit into that category), then the fact that you're thinking about this, and you are still young, is very promising. The gifts that lie along the road you are setting on include acceptance, forgiveness and freedom (a word that I prefer to "independence" because it sounds more joyous). All the best on your self-discovery. I'm on a similar road.
If you're the sort of person to whom personal development and evolution is important (and most of us here do seem to fit into that category), then the fact that you're thinking about this, and you are still young, is very promising. The gifts that lie along the road you are setting on include acceptance, forgiveness and freedom (a word that I prefer to "independence" because it sounds more joyous). All the best on your self-discovery. I'm on a similar road.
Self-discovery is a very, very relevant word in my case.
Good luck to you as well!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Thx RF.
I try to not label other people as "he/she is a toxic person"...even though that thought does cross my mind from time to time. Rather, I try to stick with their behaviors...it is often their behavior that is toxic rather than who they are at a core: a needy soul.
Some people are not toxic so much as they are just miserable....and it's their misery that is causing them to do things that are toxic (to themselves and perhaps to others.). Miserable people are most likely in some sort of pain...and they are seeking pain relief in a number of ways...How to deal with pain and suffering? Well, that is a whole other subject.
I try to not label other people as "he/she is a toxic person"...even though that thought does cross my mind from time to time. Rather, I try to stick with their behaviors...it is often their behavior that is toxic rather than who they are at a core: a needy soul.
Some people are not toxic so much as they are just miserable....and it's their misery that is causing them to do things that are toxic (to themselves and perhaps to others.). Miserable people are most likely in some sort of pain...and they are seeking pain relief in a number of ways...How to deal with pain and suffering? Well, that is a whole other subject.
NA Member - Atheist
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Middletown CT USA
Posts: 770
In outpatient they asked us to identify what our triggers were. Mine was simple. Waking up on the planet earth, still alive, still me.
My experience is the opposite of your OP. Sure, external events or cues could elicit a response of becoming more uncomfortable or simply acted as natural triggers, (e.g., being around people i didn't like made me angry or sad, and being in a bar made drinking seem more natural). However, I found that using alcohol and other drugs wasn't my problem, they were my misguided attempt at a solution to my problem. Then they became my biggest problem.
I used because it made me feel as if I could stand being me and as if I could face life and my own emotions. The more i ran from how I felt, the worse I felt. My "holy grail" became my nemesis.
After I stopped using I had to find out why I used in the first place, and I had to ask for help in figuring out how to be able to be comfortable in my own skin. That's what recovery is.
My experience is the opposite of your OP. Sure, external events or cues could elicit a response of becoming more uncomfortable or simply acted as natural triggers, (e.g., being around people i didn't like made me angry or sad, and being in a bar made drinking seem more natural). However, I found that using alcohol and other drugs wasn't my problem, they were my misguided attempt at a solution to my problem. Then they became my biggest problem.
I used because it made me feel as if I could stand being me and as if I could face life and my own emotions. The more i ran from how I felt, the worse I felt. My "holy grail" became my nemesis.
After I stopped using I had to find out why I used in the first place, and I had to ask for help in figuring out how to be able to be comfortable in my own skin. That's what recovery is.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
My perspective is from one who is older and drank for more years than a lot of friends here have been alive. With age comes some element of what others may refer to as wisdom. I'm not sure about that, maybe life experience is a better way to put it. If I see a hole, I try not to step in it. With enough practice I am able to avoid many potential holes that pop up in life. I may be able to warn other of a hole around the bend and be careful not to step in it. Not wisdom really, just got tired of breaking my leg or stubbing my toes.........
I don't discount triggers and wouldn't suggest otherwise, but today I look at those ideations more like excuses. Unless someone physically holds me down and pours alcohol into my system I don't have to drink over anything that happens in my life. Period. Early in life I too would say - I'll show them! They hurt me, so I'll hurt me too!!! Crazy.
Many friends I know experience an enlightenment or awakening when they get sober. It's called many things - but my point is that state of being makes me much more sensitive to toxic people. I suppose regardless of an enlightenment - we just seem to not want to gravitate towards those that remain very sick and refuse any efforts to change.
The beauty is we don't have to. Some of those are very tough choices - I have close family that can be highly toxic and tries to deflect their responsibilities in life's events / high contentious by nature. I can get sucked into this as a volunteer if I allow it but no longer as a victim. Today it's my choice, mostly.
I do two things today - when I do these I stand a chance that life gets better; Stay sober even if my butt falls off and keep my side of the street clean.
With time , the pot holes in life become more clearly identifiable. I can see the erosion occurring long before the hole appears, mostly. The question I have to ask myself is will I drink over allowing someone else to take up space in my head without paying rent.
Eviction notices get sent often.............
Thanks for your thread - very good
keep coming back
I don't discount triggers and wouldn't suggest otherwise, but today I look at those ideations more like excuses. Unless someone physically holds me down and pours alcohol into my system I don't have to drink over anything that happens in my life. Period. Early in life I too would say - I'll show them! They hurt me, so I'll hurt me too!!! Crazy.
Many friends I know experience an enlightenment or awakening when they get sober. It's called many things - but my point is that state of being makes me much more sensitive to toxic people. I suppose regardless of an enlightenment - we just seem to not want to gravitate towards those that remain very sick and refuse any efforts to change.
The beauty is we don't have to. Some of those are very tough choices - I have close family that can be highly toxic and tries to deflect their responsibilities in life's events / high contentious by nature. I can get sucked into this as a volunteer if I allow it but no longer as a victim. Today it's my choice, mostly.
I do two things today - when I do these I stand a chance that life gets better; Stay sober even if my butt falls off and keep my side of the street clean.
With time , the pot holes in life become more clearly identifiable. I can see the erosion occurring long before the hole appears, mostly. The question I have to ask myself is will I drink over allowing someone else to take up space in my head without paying rent.
Eviction notices get sent often.............
Thanks for your thread - very good
keep coming back
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
Thx RF.
I try to not label other people as "he/she is a toxic person"...even though that thought does cross my mind from time to time. Rather, I try to stick with their behaviors...it is often their behavior that is toxic rather than who they are at a core: a needy soul.
Some people are not toxic so much as they are just miserable....and it's their misery that is causing them to do things that are toxic (to themselves and perhaps to others.). Miserable people are most likely in some sort of pain...and they are seeking pain relief in a number of ways...How to deal with pain and suffering? Well, that is a whole other subject.
I try to not label other people as "he/she is a toxic person"...even though that thought does cross my mind from time to time. Rather, I try to stick with their behaviors...it is often their behavior that is toxic rather than who they are at a core: a needy soul.
Some people are not toxic so much as they are just miserable....and it's their misery that is causing them to do things that are toxic (to themselves and perhaps to others.). Miserable people are most likely in some sort of pain...and they are seeking pain relief in a number of ways...How to deal with pain and suffering? Well, that is a whole other subject.
There is a saying that goes, "hurt people hurt people". I believe it is true, in fact.
Many thanks for your input, sir/madame!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by IvanMike
In outpatient they asked us to identify what our triggers were. Mine was simple. Waking up on the planet earth, still alive, still me.
My experience is the opposite of your OP. Sure, external events or cues could elicit a response of becoming more uncomfortable or simply acted as natural triggers, (e.g., being around people i didn't like made me angry or sad, and being in a bar made drinking seem more natural). However, I found that using alcohol and other drugs wasn't my problem, they were my misguided attempt at a solution to my problem. Then they became my biggest problem.
I used because it made me feel as if I could stand being me and as if I could face life and my own emotions. The more i ran from how I felt, the worse I felt. My "holy grail" became my nemesis.
After I stopped using I had to find out why I used in the first place, and I had to ask for help in figuring out how to be able to be comfortable in my own skin. That's what recovery is.
My experience is the opposite of your OP. Sure, external events or cues could elicit a response of becoming more uncomfortable or simply acted as natural triggers, (e.g., being around people i didn't like made me angry or sad, and being in a bar made drinking seem more natural). However, I found that using alcohol and other drugs wasn't my problem, they were my misguided attempt at a solution to my problem. Then they became my biggest problem.
I used because it made me feel as if I could stand being me and as if I could face life and my own emotions. The more i ran from how I felt, the worse I felt. My "holy grail" became my nemesis.
After I stopped using I had to find out why I used in the first place, and I had to ask for help in figuring out how to be able to be comfortable in my own skin. That's what recovery is.
Of course, you and I, both have used alcohol/drugs to cope. It's the reason why we are all here in the first place.
Keep rocking, sir!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by Fly N Buy
My perspective is from one who is older and drank for more years than a lot of friends here have been alive. With age comes some element of what others may refer to as wisdom. I'm not sure about that, maybe life experience is a better way to put it. If I see a hole, I try not to step in it. With enough practice I am able to avoid many potential holes that pop up in life. I may be able to warn other of a hole around the bend and be careful not to step in it. Not wisdom really, just got tired of breaking my leg or stubbing my toes.........
I don't discount triggers and wouldn't suggest otherwise, but today I look at those ideations more like excuses. Unless someone physically holds me down and pours alcohol into my system I don't have to drink over anything that happens in my life. Period. Early in life I too would say - I'll show them! They hurt me, so I'll hurt me too!!! Crazy.
Many friends I know experience an enlightenment or awakening when they get sober. It's called many things - but my point is that state of being makes me much more sensitive to toxic people. I suppose regardless of an enlightenment - we just seem to not want to gravitate towards those that remain very sick and refuse any efforts to change.
The beauty is we don't have to. Some of those are very tough choices - I have close family that can be highly toxic and tries to deflect their responsibilities in life's events / high contentious by nature. I can get sucked into this as a volunteer if I allow it but no longer as a victim. Today it's my choice, mostly.
I do two things today - when I do these I stand a chance that life gets better; Stay sober even if my butt falls off and keep my side of the street clean.
With time , the pot holes in life become more clearly identifiable. I can see the erosion occurring long before the hole appears, mostly. The question I have to ask myself is will I drink over allowing someone else to take up space in my head without paying rent.
Eviction notices get sent often.............
Thanks for your thread - very good
keep coming back
I don't discount triggers and wouldn't suggest otherwise, but today I look at those ideations more like excuses. Unless someone physically holds me down and pours alcohol into my system I don't have to drink over anything that happens in my life. Period. Early in life I too would say - I'll show them! They hurt me, so I'll hurt me too!!! Crazy.
Many friends I know experience an enlightenment or awakening when they get sober. It's called many things - but my point is that state of being makes me much more sensitive to toxic people. I suppose regardless of an enlightenment - we just seem to not want to gravitate towards those that remain very sick and refuse any efforts to change.
The beauty is we don't have to. Some of those are very tough choices - I have close family that can be highly toxic and tries to deflect their responsibilities in life's events / high contentious by nature. I can get sucked into this as a volunteer if I allow it but no longer as a victim. Today it's my choice, mostly.
I do two things today - when I do these I stand a chance that life gets better; Stay sober even if my butt falls off and keep my side of the street clean.
With time , the pot holes in life become more clearly identifiable. I can see the erosion occurring long before the hole appears, mostly. The question I have to ask myself is will I drink over allowing someone else to take up space in my head without paying rent.
Eviction notices get sent often.............
Thanks for your thread - very good
keep coming back
"Eviction notices get sent often............."
You sir, should be a writer. Pardon me, if you already are one? Kinda hard to gauge real names on over here!
There's nothing better than to have an opportunity to learn from somebody wiser, learned, way more mature, and so so so experienced as yourself!
Appreciate your time so much!
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