Trying to stay true to myself
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Trying to stay true to myself
So I've been lurking around here for a little while now and thought I should take a minute to introduce myself. I've been reading the stickies and materials and finding a lot to think about!
My partner and I have been together for 13 years. She has been struggling with addiction for at least 8 of those. Pain pills are her drug of choice but when she's deep down the rabbit hole, pretty much anything will do. Over the years she's been to inpatient, detox, IPO, AA, and just got home from another week long inpatient stay yesterday. These last couple of months have been mostly about alcohol, and an affair with a coworker. Out life has been unrecognizable for a while now.
I'm not generally a co-dependent person in other aspects of my life, but I am soooo co-dependent with her. I've enabled, controlled, manipulated, protected, tried to fix, and taken care of her for so many years now. This most recent one has just about broken me. I've lost 20lbs in two months and spent the majority of my nights crying. I knew that I couldn't keep going in this direction, so I went to my first Al-Anon meeting a couple of weeks ago. Reading here, attending meetings and reading books about the steps has really given me a lot to think about. I can see where I'm going wrong, the things I am doing that are unhealthy for me/us, but I'm still struggling to make my way back up to the surface.
My partner and I have been together for 13 years. She has been struggling with addiction for at least 8 of those. Pain pills are her drug of choice but when she's deep down the rabbit hole, pretty much anything will do. Over the years she's been to inpatient, detox, IPO, AA, and just got home from another week long inpatient stay yesterday. These last couple of months have been mostly about alcohol, and an affair with a coworker. Out life has been unrecognizable for a while now.
I'm not generally a co-dependent person in other aspects of my life, but I am soooo co-dependent with her. I've enabled, controlled, manipulated, protected, tried to fix, and taken care of her for so many years now. This most recent one has just about broken me. I've lost 20lbs in two months and spent the majority of my nights crying. I knew that I couldn't keep going in this direction, so I went to my first Al-Anon meeting a couple of weeks ago. Reading here, attending meetings and reading books about the steps has really given me a lot to think about. I can see where I'm going wrong, the things I am doing that are unhealthy for me/us, but I'm still struggling to make my way back up to the surface.
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Things haven't been all struggle and doom. We've had some pretty amazing happy times. But then, we al have, haven't we? Most of us wouldn't stay in a relationship for so long if it was all bad all the time! We were just married this past July when it finally became legal in our state. We adopted our two beautiful children through the foster care system about 4 years ago. They have their own sets of issues and challenges, but I can't imagine life without them in it. They are the main reason that I know I can't just go down with my partner's sinking ship this time. As much s I struggle with my fears about being a single parent, I know that someone has to be strong and healthy for them. My partner certainly can't right now, so it's up to me.
So here's my current struggle and why I'm feeling the need to post today:
So here's my current struggle and why I'm feeling the need to post today:
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The last month or so, she's been talking about wanting to move out of the house. She said she "needed space" and couldn't deal with me smothering her anymore. i know that is a legitimate concern, because I was pretty heavy in "control and fix" mode. We were fighting Every. Single. Night. Usually while she was drunk, which is so supremely unhealthy and guaranteed to not get any results for either of us. I had been fighting her wanting to leave, giving threats and ultimatums, always hoping if she would just stay we could fix this together. I knew that if she left, she would just go on a bender and shack up with her coworker, finally "free" of the "monster wife". She did finally find a room to rent and moved out two weeks ago. But the same night she moved out, she got so wasted she blacked out, was belligerent and got the cops called. She was kicked out of the new place that same night and managed to lose $750 in the process. Poof! Her new girlfriend appears to have better boundaries that I do, because apparently there was some fighting between them as well and she decided to distance herself. I let partner move back into the house because she had no where else to go. But over the course of the next week, she and the girlfriend fought, she melted down at work and put her job in major jeopardy, and ended up checking herself into an inpatient mental health facility for a week.
Having her in the facility was hard, I had to run the house and take care of the kids on my own while maintaining my own full time job. But at least I knew she was safe. She said she wanted to come back home when she got out. I gave her three boundaries that I need to have set for myself if this is going to work. I said if she wants to live at home she has to be actively working recovery (I won't dictate what that looks like, I just need to know there is a plan of some sort), she needs to be in therapy, and she can't have any contact with the girl. She agreed (mostly) to these, and came home yesterday.
Having her in the facility was hard, I had to run the house and take care of the kids on my own while maintaining my own full time job. But at least I knew she was safe. She said she wanted to come back home when she got out. I gave her three boundaries that I need to have set for myself if this is going to work. I said if she wants to live at home she has to be actively working recovery (I won't dictate what that looks like, I just need to know there is a plan of some sort), she needs to be in therapy, and she can't have any contact with the girl. She agreed (mostly) to these, and came home yesterday.
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The mind-f**k here is that through all of this, even while in the middle of her affair, she's always told me that we will work through this and be okay. That she loves me, doesn't want to lose her family, and "can't see a future without me in it". I want so badly to believe this because it's the last remnants of the kind and caring person that is underneath all of this addiction insanity. But I know that even if she does mean it when she says it, everything can turn on a dime as soon as the addict brain decodes it needs another fix. Whether that fix is drugs, alcohol or this new girl, everything she values, everything she has always stood for goes right out the window. I KNOW this about her. So why do I sit there and delude myself into believing it and allowing myself another sliver of hope?
She's starting intensive outpatient on Monday, so I'm glad she's continuing the therapy. She's going to an AA meeting tonight. I'm not naive enough to think that one week in inpatient is enough to fix everything for her/us. And as much as I know that I need to keep her at arms' length right now, I find myself wanting to reach out to her, comfort her, and receive comfort from her. That's the hardest part, I think. Feeling needy and desperate for affection for myself, and hoping that she will be able to give it to me. She can't. She can't think about anything but herself right now. She's better than she was a couple of weeks ago, she was able to play with the kids today and pay attention to them. But I'm not going to get my needs met by her anytime soon. And I'm struggling with it.
Struggling with how long I can go on living here with her, and knowing that when I'm in tears and just wanting a hug, I won't get one without anger and resentment attached. Any sign of weakness on my part is just met with such anger and pushing away. So then I feel like I should be pushing her away. I feel like I should be telling her to find somewhere to move out, because having her not be here at all would be better than sleeping alone in our bed, knowing she is downstairs on the couch because she wants to be. Not because I made her, but because she doesn't want to sleep in my bed now. But I shouldn't want her in my bed right now!! So what the hell is wrong with me?
Sigh...this is why I need Al-Anon. And this is why I'm reaching out to all of you wise people here. I feel stuck between what my brain tells me is best and for what my heart is crying out. I feel like I can't trust myself or my own emotions because I've been stuck in such unhealthy patterns for so long.
How do you do it? How do you keep yourself sane and avoid making decisions that you will regret down the road?
She's starting intensive outpatient on Monday, so I'm glad she's continuing the therapy. She's going to an AA meeting tonight. I'm not naive enough to think that one week in inpatient is enough to fix everything for her/us. And as much as I know that I need to keep her at arms' length right now, I find myself wanting to reach out to her, comfort her, and receive comfort from her. That's the hardest part, I think. Feeling needy and desperate for affection for myself, and hoping that she will be able to give it to me. She can't. She can't think about anything but herself right now. She's better than she was a couple of weeks ago, she was able to play with the kids today and pay attention to them. But I'm not going to get my needs met by her anytime soon. And I'm struggling with it.
Struggling with how long I can go on living here with her, and knowing that when I'm in tears and just wanting a hug, I won't get one without anger and resentment attached. Any sign of weakness on my part is just met with such anger and pushing away. So then I feel like I should be pushing her away. I feel like I should be telling her to find somewhere to move out, because having her not be here at all would be better than sleeping alone in our bed, knowing she is downstairs on the couch because she wants to be. Not because I made her, but because she doesn't want to sleep in my bed now. But I shouldn't want her in my bed right now!! So what the hell is wrong with me?
Sigh...this is why I need Al-Anon. And this is why I'm reaching out to all of you wise people here. I feel stuck between what my brain tells me is best and for what my heart is crying out. I feel like I can't trust myself or my own emotions because I've been stuck in such unhealthy patterns for so long.
How do you do it? How do you keep yourself sane and avoid making decisions that you will regret down the road?
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Have you been to Al-Anon? Sounds like you could use the support.
It also might not be a bad idea to consult a lawyer to find out where you'd stand with house, property, and kiddos if she goes south again.
This chaos is terrible for your kids--I hope you will find the strength to do what you need to do to protect them.
It also might not be a bad idea to consult a lawyer to find out where you'd stand with house, property, and kiddos if she goes south again.
This chaos is terrible for your kids--I hope you will find the strength to do what you need to do to protect them.
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Sorry for the long and multiple posts. I've been having technical issues today and not sure if it's because my original post was so long! So I split it up to see if that would go through easier. Thanks for reading. 
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Have you been to Al-Anon? Sounds like you could use the support.
It also might not be a bad idea to consult a lawyer to find out where you'd stand with house, property, and kiddos if she goes south again.
This chaos is terrible for your kids--I hope you will find the strength to do what you need to do to protect them.
It also might not be a bad idea to consult a lawyer to find out where you'd stand with house, property, and kiddos if she goes south again.
This chaos is terrible for your kids--I hope you will find the strength to do what you need to do to protect them.
Also, to make things even more complicated, we filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy in September. So we are locked in to 5 years of payments on all of our debt. I know we could probably split that up in a divorce, but it's just another layer of complication. We do both own the house, but she is ADD on top of an addict and has never been able to handle finances and keeping up with paying bills and maintenance.
She's going to have to learn quickly if she moves out though, because I took her name off our joint accounts and made her get her own checking account. She was hemorrhaging money over these last couple of months and I had to make it stop. I am taking baby steps to protect the kids and myself, it's just slow emotional progress, I'm afraid.
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Worrying about how "they" will survive without us is part of the thinking that keeps us stuck in these unhealthy, toxic relationships. I was absolutely convinced that my ex would crash and burn (if not literally die) without me there to take care of everything. Alcoholics and addicts are actually very resourceful when left to their own devices. And it will be a big a part of her recovery, if she stays on that path, learning to navigate life on life's terms.
I'm more interested in what kind of support you and your children are getting. I'm glad you're going to Alanon. That's been a huge part of my recovery. Your children, depending on their ages, might also benefit from Alateen meetings. They are usually held at the same time as an Alanon meeting. Being in the foster care system it sounds like they've probably had a turbulent life even before this situation started with your wife's addiction.
Glad you got your technical difficulties sorted out. The post gremlin has gobbled a few of my masterpieces and it's always frustrating. And welcome, though I'm sorry for what brings you here.
I'm more interested in what kind of support you and your children are getting. I'm glad you're going to Alanon. That's been a huge part of my recovery. Your children, depending on their ages, might also benefit from Alateen meetings. They are usually held at the same time as an Alanon meeting. Being in the foster care system it sounds like they've probably had a turbulent life even before this situation started with your wife's addiction.
Glad you got your technical difficulties sorted out. The post gremlin has gobbled a few of my masterpieces and it's always frustrating. And welcome, though I'm sorry for what brings you here.
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
Worrying about how "they" will survive without us is part of the thinking that keeps us stuck in these unhealthy, toxic relationships. I was absolutely convinced that my ex would crash and burn (if not literally die) without me there to take care of everything. Alcoholics and addicts are actually very resourceful when left to their own devices. And it will be a big a part of her recovery, if she stays on that path, learning to navigate life on life's terms.
I'm more interested in what kind of support you and your children are getting. I'm glad you're going to Alanon. That's been a huge part of my recovery. Your children, depending on their ages, might also benefit from Alateen meetings. They are usually held at the same time as an Alanon meeting. Being in the foster care system it sounds like they've probably had a turbulent life even before this situation started with your wife's addiction.
Glad you got your technical difficulties sorted out. The post gremlin has gobbled a few of my masterpieces and it's always frustrating. And welcome, though I'm sorry for what brings you here.
I'm more interested in what kind of support you and your children are getting. I'm glad you're going to Alanon. That's been a huge part of my recovery. Your children, depending on their ages, might also benefit from Alateen meetings. They are usually held at the same time as an Alanon meeting. Being in the foster care system it sounds like they've probably had a turbulent life even before this situation started with your wife's addiction.
Glad you got your technical difficulties sorted out. The post gremlin has gobbled a few of my masterpieces and it's always frustrating. And welcome, though I'm sorry for what brings you here.
My kids are younger, only 7 and 8 1/2. So too young for Alateen unfortunately. They do have an amazing therapist that they've been seeing for years, and I have my own therapist as well. I've never been one to reach out to other people much, but I'm trying very hard to use my support network. I'm finding that I do have some good friends who will listen, but I don't want to burn them out. I did get a couple of phone numbers from some people at my Al-Anon meeting today, so I need to get over my insecurities and use them, I think!
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I had a really hard time making those early Alanon calls. I still don't make many (I'm not so much of a "phone person"), but it took me quite awhile to get over the thought that my phone call would be a bother or a burden to someone. It's silly, because I really like getting Alanon calls. It's just really hard for me to reach out for help.
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I'd not be in too much of a rush to make her their legal parent. Right now she's not good parent material. One of the complications for so, SO many people on this list is their concern about their children's safety. Alcoholism and addiction are progressive. For all you KNOW right now, she may continue to spiral down, becoming progressively less able to care for the children. Unthinkable as it may seem now, she might drive the kids when she's drunk or high. She could pass out with food on the stove and start a fire. This isn't far-fetched.
The problem for people who must co-parent with an addict is that sometimes the courts will allow unsupervised visitation when it isn't wise. The co-parent can insist on visitation that results in the kids coming home in tears--confused or terrified.
I'm not suggesting that she shouldn't stay in the kids' lives--she's obviously been a mom to them. Just think very VERY carefully about adding a legal complication to a situation that could turn into more of a nightmare than it already is.
The problem for people who must co-parent with an addict is that sometimes the courts will allow unsupervised visitation when it isn't wise. The co-parent can insist on visitation that results in the kids coming home in tears--confused or terrified.
I'm not suggesting that she shouldn't stay in the kids' lives--she's obviously been a mom to them. Just think very VERY carefully about adding a legal complication to a situation that could turn into more of a nightmare than it already is.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I'd not be in too much of a rush to make her their legal parent. Right now she's not good parent material. One of the complications for so, SO many people on this list is their concern about their children's safety. Alcoholism and addiction are progressive. For all you KNOW right now, she may continue to spiral down, becoming progressively less able to care for the children. Unthinkable as it may seem now, she might drive the kids when she's drunk or high. She could pass out with food on the stove and start a fire. This isn't far-fetched.
The problem for people who must co-parent with an addict is that sometimes the courts will allow unsupervised visitation when it isn't wise. The co-parent can insist on visitation that results in the kids coming home in tears--confused or terrified.
I'm not suggesting that she shouldn't stay in the kids' lives--she's obviously been a mom to them. Just think very VERY carefully about adding a legal complication to a situation that could turn into more of a nightmare than it already is.
The problem for people who must co-parent with an addict is that sometimes the courts will allow unsupervised visitation when it isn't wise. The co-parent can insist on visitation that results in the kids coming home in tears--confused or terrified.
I'm not suggesting that she shouldn't stay in the kids' lives--she's obviously been a mom to them. Just think very VERY carefully about adding a legal complication to a situation that could turn into more of a nightmare than it already is.
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FM,
Welcome to SR and I hope you can find some help and support here. Your plate is full with all the stuff going on. I would recommend to try and take some deep breaths, and breathe. You head is going a mile a minute and I am sorry. There is lots of support on this forum for you.
I agree to contact an attorney. The first visit to a divorce attorney is usually free. so take all your questions in and get as much support as you can. I understand that you want to get your spouse to adopt the kids and get that straightened out, but I think this is the least of your worries.(let her do this, it is not your responsibility anymore) I understand that you want 2 parents, but go on the forum about adult kids of alcoholic parents. See what they have gone through, as these kids suffer a lot more then you realize. Do you really want your 2 kids to be alone with her for a long period of time, with out you?? I would stop spending so much time worrying about the addict and more time on the kids. They are your priority. The addict always seem to be center attention. This needs to change.
She is an adult and you need to start treating her like one. No more enabling, she left you for someone else, and then you let her back in, because you love her.?? You need to let her suffer the consequences of her actions. I know that you enabler her, so she acts like a child and you treat her like one. These are the boundaries you need to set up. She leaves, make her stay out. She can find someone else to take her in, stop engaging in her bad behavior. She does all this stuff, because you allow her to do it.
Once you stop, hopefully she will stop, but not always. Nothing is going to change if nothing changes. If you don't change, you will continue going crazy and she gets off scott free. Keep reading, set up boundaries, hit the alanon meetings and your life will slowly calm down.
Hugs my friend, we are her to help you in anyway. One more thing, if you threaten something follow through with it. If you are just trying to scare her, it will not work, don't even bother saying anything.
Welcome to SR and I hope you can find some help and support here. Your plate is full with all the stuff going on. I would recommend to try and take some deep breaths, and breathe. You head is going a mile a minute and I am sorry. There is lots of support on this forum for you.
I agree to contact an attorney. The first visit to a divorce attorney is usually free. so take all your questions in and get as much support as you can. I understand that you want to get your spouse to adopt the kids and get that straightened out, but I think this is the least of your worries.(let her do this, it is not your responsibility anymore) I understand that you want 2 parents, but go on the forum about adult kids of alcoholic parents. See what they have gone through, as these kids suffer a lot more then you realize. Do you really want your 2 kids to be alone with her for a long period of time, with out you?? I would stop spending so much time worrying about the addict and more time on the kids. They are your priority. The addict always seem to be center attention. This needs to change.
She is an adult and you need to start treating her like one. No more enabling, she left you for someone else, and then you let her back in, because you love her.?? You need to let her suffer the consequences of her actions. I know that you enabler her, so she acts like a child and you treat her like one. These are the boundaries you need to set up. She leaves, make her stay out. She can find someone else to take her in, stop engaging in her bad behavior. She does all this stuff, because you allow her to do it.
Once you stop, hopefully she will stop, but not always. Nothing is going to change if nothing changes. If you don't change, you will continue going crazy and she gets off scott free. Keep reading, set up boundaries, hit the alanon meetings and your life will slowly calm down.
Hugs my friend, we are her to help you in anyway. One more thing, if you threaten something follow through with it. If you are just trying to scare her, it will not work, don't even bother saying anything.
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Thanks, Maia, you're right my head is going a mile a minute! I made it to an Al-Anon meeting this morning, and I feel a bit more peaceful today. Night time is always the hardest, I think. After spending all day working to keep things/myself together, I just get tired and my defenses go down at night.
One of the long-time members at the Alano Club today told me after the meeting that she could already see the changes in me and I seemed like I was in a better place than when I first came a couple of weeks ago. I told her that I appreciated that, and I'm glad that I sound better, because I'm not completely feeling it yet! She laughed and said that it starts with the head and can take a while to trickle down to the heart. But that I was on the right path if I continue to work the steps and keep the focus on myself and how I respond to life and take care of myself and kids.
Partner went to look at an apartment last night after her meeting. She didn't say if she liked it or was going to take it. I haven't asked for details, and I'm not going to unless she brings it up again. I am trying very hard to just let her do her thing and I will do my own thing. It's so weird/hard after being so thoroughly enmeshed with someone for so long. Yesterday, she texted me and asked if she could pick up McDonalds on her way home. I said, "I don't care, it's your money. Why are you asking me?" She didn't really know either, just force of habit to check in with me on finances and whether I had something else in mind for dinner. It's going to be slow and bumpy, I think.
Still struggling with whether/how we can continue to live in the same house and if it's better for the kids or not. If we can be peaceful, I think it won't be damaging to the kids. But how much damage am I doing to myself living with someone who has no idea what she wants, and someone whom I don't even know yet if I can forgive for all of the hurt and pain?
One day at a time...sometimes even one hour or minute.
One of the long-time members at the Alano Club today told me after the meeting that she could already see the changes in me and I seemed like I was in a better place than when I first came a couple of weeks ago. I told her that I appreciated that, and I'm glad that I sound better, because I'm not completely feeling it yet! She laughed and said that it starts with the head and can take a while to trickle down to the heart. But that I was on the right path if I continue to work the steps and keep the focus on myself and how I respond to life and take care of myself and kids.
Partner went to look at an apartment last night after her meeting. She didn't say if she liked it or was going to take it. I haven't asked for details, and I'm not going to unless she brings it up again. I am trying very hard to just let her do her thing and I will do my own thing. It's so weird/hard after being so thoroughly enmeshed with someone for so long. Yesterday, she texted me and asked if she could pick up McDonalds on her way home. I said, "I don't care, it's your money. Why are you asking me?" She didn't really know either, just force of habit to check in with me on finances and whether I had something else in mind for dinner. It's going to be slow and bumpy, I think.
Still struggling with whether/how we can continue to live in the same house and if it's better for the kids or not. If we can be peaceful, I think it won't be damaging to the kids. But how much damage am I doing to myself living with someone who has no idea what she wants, and someone whom I don't even know yet if I can forgive for all of the hurt and pain?
One day at a time...sometimes even one hour or minute.
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Really struggling with the letting go tonight. She spent all day looking up apartments and rooms for rent. She's pretty adamant that this is the path she wants to go. My head tells me that this is right, and I will be better with her gone. My heart is breaking. My pride too, I think, if I'm being honest. I have been here through everything, I have forgiven so many injustices, and SHE'S the one who wants to leave ME?
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Look at it this way--it's a lot easier if she leaves than for you to be put in the position of having to put her out. Sounds like a breather would be a relief from the day-to-day chaos. You were worrying about an in-house separation, and for good reason, I think. Those situations can be VERY awkward and uncomfortable for both people.
I think the biggest mistake you can make here is to beg her to stay. Once you do that, she's in a position to blame you for anything she's unhappy about. If she gets sober while she's away from you, great. Maybe you'll reconcile, and even if you don't, she will be a much more reliable mom to your kids. If she DOESN'T get sober, well, good to know that, too. You won't have to put her out (because she's already out) and you can proceed accordingly.
I know it's not all logical and cut-and-dried when emotions are involved, but please try to think this through and look at the advantages it presents.
I think the biggest mistake you can make here is to beg her to stay. Once you do that, she's in a position to blame you for anything she's unhappy about. If she gets sober while she's away from you, great. Maybe you'll reconcile, and even if you don't, she will be a much more reliable mom to your kids. If she DOESN'T get sober, well, good to know that, too. You won't have to put her out (because she's already out) and you can proceed accordingly.
I know it's not all logical and cut-and-dried when emotions are involved, but please try to think this through and look at the advantages it presents.
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I am trying to look on the positive side. You're absolutely right, Lexie. Her leaving now, calmly and without drama is the best possible way for us to do this. I know that it will be better in the long run. It just hurts a lot right now.
I've already gathered my thoughts in an email to her and sent it while she was out at her meeting tonight. It was a goodbye letter. I said that I understand that we need this, it hurts, but I am not going to beg her to stay.
I've already gathered my thoughts in an email to her and sent it while she was out at her meeting tonight. It was a goodbye letter. I said that I understand that we need this, it hurts, but I am not going to beg her to stay.
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Originally Posted by findingme26
My head tells me that this is right, and I will be better with her gone. My heart is breaking. My pride too, I think, if I'm being honest. I have been here through everything, I have forgiven so many injustices, and SHE'S the one who wants to leave ME?
The PRIDE, yes. After all the BS I went through with AH, HE was the one who left. Don't get me wrong, he did us all a huge favor, but it still stings.
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