Trying to stay true to myself
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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That was when I realised I had to leave too. When I saw I was in crisis and how totally crazy I had become.
Sometimes he actually appeared more like the one who had it together towards the end, especially to his family who were in deep denial.
Time to save yourself. You will be OK.
Sometimes he actually appeared more like the one who had it together towards the end, especially to his family who were in deep denial.
Time to save yourself. You will be OK.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
Welcome to the new year FM and congratulations on getting you and the kids out of the house and staying put when she called.
May this year be a time of great growth inspite of the pain. Please let us know how you are doing.
May this year be a time of great growth inspite of the pain. Please let us know how you are doing.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by jjj111 
FM, do you have a long term plan? I'm wondering if it's sustainable for you to stay at your Mom's, or whether at some point you're going to have to figure out what's next?
About the anger you feel that she called the police: I've spent a lot of time feeling angry at addict exes. I felt like they had done me wrong, when all I'd done was try to love them. But it's been a crucial part of my healing from those relationships to accept my part of the responsibility for how those relationships unfolded. I accepted unacceptable behavior from my exes for far too long. I suffered through these unsatisfying relationships because I thought that my suffering would eventually earn me something--respect, or fidelity, or sobriety--from the exes. I refused to accept reality, and I refused to believe them when they told me by their words and actions who they really were. I stayed in these relationships, and I became just as sick as the addict. I became angry and consumed with resentment. I accept that now, and I know better than to repeat these mistakes in the future. No more playing the victim role for me. I've learned that lesson the hard way, over and over. I was a slow learner. But I see now that when I choose to stay in relationships that are making me miserable, the consequences are mine to own.
About the anger you feel that she called the police: I've spent a lot of time feeling angry at addict exes. I felt like they had done me wrong, when all I'd done was try to love them. But it's been a crucial part of my healing from those relationships to accept my part of the responsibility for how those relationships unfolded. I accepted unacceptable behavior from my exes for far too long. I suffered through these unsatisfying relationships because I thought that my suffering would eventually earn me something--respect, or fidelity, or sobriety--from the exes. I refused to accept reality, and I refused to believe them when they told me by their words and actions who they really were. I stayed in these relationships, and I became just as sick as the addict. I became angry and consumed with resentment. I accept that now, and I know better than to repeat these mistakes in the future. No more playing the victim role for me. I've learned that lesson the hard way, over and over. I was a slow learner. But I see now that when I choose to stay in relationships that are making me miserable, the consequences are mine to own.
As far as long-term goes, we don't really have a plan yet, so it's something I am worried about. Staying at my mom's isn't an option, as she's about 45 minutes away from our house, school and work. And as kind as she has been about us being guests, there's no way we could stay for longer than a weekend here and there without driving her crazy too!
I'm really hoping that AP (I think this is the best way to abbreviate her for now) gets into the residential treatment program quickly. I know she's still looking for apartments or rooms to rent, but seems to be having a hard time finding something that is in her price range. Residential would be helpful for her, and would get her out of the house for at least 30 days so we can all take a nice, long breather. After that, I don't know. I'm not sure how much outside contact people in residential programs have so she could make calls, or if they could help her find housing when she's done? The biggest downside to residential though, is that I will have absolutely no help with the kids while she's there. But I will figure it out, I don't have any choice but to keep going and do what I need to for them.
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Just to be clear, I don't mean to suggest that your anger is causing her to continue to use, or that the situation you're in wouldn't make most anyone feel resentful. Her using is on her, and most people who live with addicts deal with anger and frustration. Just that you owe it to yourself to remove yourself from situations that make you angry and miserable. And certainly, it's no good to get to a point where you're short-tempered with your kids. I know that in the past I've gotten so caught up in resenting the addict and feeling victimized that I've forgotten that I have the power to remove myself from the situation.
I've seen it suggested here that it's wise to want to see a year of sobriety before considering a reconciliation. Ultimately, it's not really your problem if she struggles to find housing. There are halfway houses, long-term rehabs like Salvation Army. You aren't her only option. But you probably do have to figure out what the legal process of separation would be, if you decide you're ready for that.
I've seen it suggested here that it's wise to want to see a year of sobriety before considering a reconciliation. Ultimately, it's not really your problem if she struggles to find housing. There are halfway houses, long-term rehabs like Salvation Army. You aren't her only option. But you probably do have to figure out what the legal process of separation would be, if you decide you're ready for that.
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It's all good, jjj111! I didn't think that you were suggesting that at all. I know I have nothing to do with her continuing to use or her decision to have an affair. Those things are on her, and her behaviors are hers to own. But I know that as far as the marriage issues go, beyond her using, I do have to take a look at myself and how I was contributing to some of the tension and stress in the household.
She's made some noise before (while she was high though, so who knows what she really thinks) about the fact that her name is on the house too, so I really don't have a say in "kicking her out". I'm hoping she can find somewhere to go willingly so it doesn't have to come to that. I'm still going to make an appointment with an attorney and just see if we can discuss my options, even though I don't feel ready for that kind of step just yet.
She's made some noise before (while she was high though, so who knows what she really thinks) about the fact that her name is on the house too, so I really don't have a say in "kicking her out". I'm hoping she can find somewhere to go willingly so it doesn't have to come to that. I'm still going to make an appointment with an attorney and just see if we can discuss my options, even though I don't feel ready for that kind of step just yet.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Hang tough FM. Keep breathing and try to take care of yourself as much as possible.
Thanks for doing what you can to make the world better by cleaning up the rooster poop in your corner of the planet. I do wish it wasn't so hard but it truly is!
Thanks for doing what you can to make the world better by cleaning up the rooster poop in your corner of the planet. I do wish it wasn't so hard but it truly is!
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So tired tonight. The kids had some major behaviors and meltdowns today, and I think we almost overstayed our welcome at mom's. Luckily we were headed to my dad's for the afternoon to have our last Christmas with them. The kids were pretty horrible there as well, but at least it was a fresh set of grandparents so they had a little more patience!
AP was home when we got back and she offered to take over kid duty for the rest of the night tonight. I am going to bed early and headed to an Al-Anon meeting in the morning. She's still working on getting into the residential program, so hopefully there will be movement there on Monday.
I'm breathing, and taking it one day at a time....
AP was home when we got back and she offered to take over kid duty for the rest of the night tonight. I am going to bed early and headed to an Al-Anon meeting in the morning. She's still working on getting into the residential program, so hopefully there will be movement there on Monday.
I'm breathing, and taking it one day at a time....
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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FM you sound like you are walking the path as best you can. You parents have all my admiration and most of all when you are parenting kids with issues.
Let us know how the meeting goes and may squadrons, battalions and huge mobs of angels bombard you, your partner and your kids!
Let us know how the meeting goes and may squadrons, battalions and huge mobs of angels bombard you, your partner and your kids!
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I am amazed at how much better I felt after taking just those couple of days away from home/her/us. We had a decent day at home yesterday. I went to a meeting first thing in the morning and spent the day cleaning house and working on projects I've been putting off. There were moments that could have gone sideways but I didn't take the bait and we stayed calm. The kids were much calmer as well and helped me out quite a bit.
AP was approved for residential treatment today so she will be going to rehab tomorrow with a minimum of 30 days. I'm hoping they can help her find some sort of transitional housing after she is done so we can get some really good time apart for a while. I'm nervous about having no backup with the kids while she's in there, but I know that my life will be a lot more peaceful overall with her gone.
AP was approved for residential treatment today so she will be going to rehab tomorrow with a minimum of 30 days. I'm hoping they can help her find some sort of transitional housing after she is done so we can get some really good time apart for a while. I'm nervous about having no backup with the kids while she's in there, but I know that my life will be a lot more peaceful overall with her gone.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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That is good news FM.
I hope you can work your own recovery and take care of yourself in spite of becoming a single parent for the next month. Can you find some child-care in case you need a break?
Hmmm . . . I have never seen an outline recovery plan for codependents although I have for alcoholics. I'm off to look for this in the stickies and or google. Is there such an animal FM?
I hope you can work your own recovery and take care of yourself in spite of becoming a single parent for the next month. Can you find some child-care in case you need a break?
Hmmm . . . I have never seen an outline recovery plan for codependents although I have for alcoholics. I'm off to look for this in the stickies and or google. Is there such an animal FM?
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FM, when I separated from my STBXAH, even though I became the sole caregiver for our son about 80% of the time, my load is so much lighter. I moved into a smaller space, which obviously made a difference. But even if I had stayed in our home and he had left, I imagine the outcome would have been similar. Without him to clean up after, and without the immense and oppressive stress of living with him, my household workload is literally about a third of what it used to be, and I do that household workload with a huge smile on my face.
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
That is good news FM.
I hope you can work your own recovery and take care of yourself in spite of becoming a single parent for the next month. Can you find some child-care in case you need a break?
Hmmm . . . I have never seen an outline recovery plan for codependents although I have for alcoholics. I'm off to look for this in the stickies and or google. Is there such an animal FM?
I hope you can work your own recovery and take care of yourself in spite of becoming a single parent for the next month. Can you find some child-care in case you need a break?
Hmmm . . . I have never seen an outline recovery plan for codependents although I have for alcoholics. I'm off to look for this in the stickies and or google. Is there such an animal FM?
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways
. . . I have never seen an outline recovery plan for codependents ... Is there such an animal ...
Al-Anon
http://www.al-anon.org/
Co-Dependents Anonymous
Home - CoDA.org
Celebrate Recovery
Home
Mike
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Things seem to be more calm for me the past couple of days. AP went to rehab yesterday and the babysitter came tonight so I could go to a meeting. The kids are melting down a bit, but I have a call in to their therapist to see if we can get some extra sessions scheduled to help them through right now. I just have two more work days to get through and then I can tackle some projects around the house this weekend. I'm feeling the need to purge - in more ways than one I guess!
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FM, when I separated from my STBXAH, I was possessed with the desire to do two things--SLEEP, because I was so exhausted from all of the drama and stress, and CLEAN/PURGE.
I think it's wonderful that you are getting the kidlets into additional therapy sessions. It certainly can't HURT. And it's wonderful you have a babysitter coming so you can go to meetings. You're doing great! Keeping the focus on your own well-being, followed by the kids.
I posted this on my FB page today, and I thought you might appreciate it.
Jada Pinkett Smith Opens Up About Motherhood
I think it's wonderful that you are getting the kidlets into additional therapy sessions. It certainly can't HURT. And it's wonderful you have a babysitter coming so you can go to meetings. You're doing great! Keeping the focus on your own well-being, followed by the kids.
I posted this on my FB page today, and I thought you might appreciate it.
Jada Pinkett Smith Opens Up About Motherhood
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 187
Originally Posted by Wisconsin
FM, when I separated from my STBXAH, I was possessed with the desire to do two things--SLEEP, because I was so exhausted from all of the drama and stress, and CLEAN/PURGE.
I think it's wonderful that you are getting the kidlets into additional therapy sessions. It certainly can't HURT. And it's wonderful you have a babysitter coming so you can go to meetings. You're doing great! Keeping the focus on your own well-being, followed by the kids.
I posted this on my FB page today, and I thought you might appreciate it.
Jada Pinkett Smith Opens Up About Motherhood
I think it's wonderful that you are getting the kidlets into additional therapy sessions. It certainly can't HURT. And it's wonderful you have a babysitter coming so you can go to meetings. You're doing great! Keeping the focus on your own well-being, followed by the kids.
I posted this on my FB page today, and I thought you might appreciate it.
Jada Pinkett Smith Opens Up About Motherhood
It's so funny you said that about cleaning and sleeping. My kids are going to think I've been possessed or something this weekend because I have some major cleaning projects planned. They don't know it yet, but their help factors in to my plans big time.
Also, I have always been a night owl. I'm lucky if I'm in bed before midnight most nights. But right now it's about 9:45pm and I am seriously considering heading up to bed!
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