Trying to stay true to myself

Old 12-27-2015, 09:00 PM
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Big hug to you Findingme. This stuff hurts so, so, so much. My favorite read on grief is How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is a super easy read too.

Keep breathing, eat something healthy, stay hydrated, get some exercise if you can. This is tough, tough stuff. It does get better with time but it does take time.
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Old 12-28-2015, 06:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
Big hug to you Findingme. This stuff hurts so, so, so much. My favorite read on grief is How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is a super easy read too.

Keep breathing, eat something healthy, stay hydrated, get some exercise if you can. This is tough, tough stuff. It does get better with time but it does take time.
Thank you, I will check out that recommendation.
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Old 12-28-2015, 06:09 PM
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Originally Posted by TropicalWinter View Post
One thing I love about this site is reading something and having a "YES!" moment, where someone puts into words something I've been feeling but haven't put my finger on the words to express those feelings yet.

The PRIDE, yes. After all the BS I went through with AH, HE was the one who left. Don't get me wrong, he did us all a huge favor, but it still stings.
It does sting, a lot! They should be groveling at our feet, right? Begging forgiveness!
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Old 12-28-2015, 06:29 PM
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Today was...I don't know. Going to work helps get through the day faster, keeps my mind occupied.

She found out that she is probably not going to be fired from work. They might treat it as a disability and just give her time off to recover. I think this is a terrible idea, as this job has directly contributed to the stress, chaos, and horrible environment that helped lead to this most recent relapse. Not to mention the affair with the coworker that is a big old sh*tpile of drama. She agrees that the stressful environment isn't good for her, but her pride won't let her give it up. I'm trying very hard to keep my opinions to myself and just see what she does with this.

I'm realizing (well, not realizing, I'm very aware) that I'm really bad at boundaries. Like, exceptionally bad. One of my key conditions for her being able to live in the house was that she would have to agree to no contact at all with her former affair partner. She got out of inpatient on Friday and texted the girl on Saturday. She did show me the texts and they were very general, but it doesn't really matter what they said, the fact is she reached out to her. Last night, she tried to call the girl. Girl didn't answer, but again, she still tried. Today, she called and they talked for about 20 minutes. Swears that it was just an apology, and letting her know that we are working on our issues and she won't be contacting her again. Says the girl is still angry and asked her not to contact her again.

So that's three times in three days, and what did I say about living in my house? I sent her an angry text and said if she does it again, she's out. Woo, that's so brave and bad of me! I'm frustrated and angry at myself right now. I've spent the evening just going about my own business like everything is fine because I don't have the energy for a major fight again tonight.

The codependent force is strong with this one, I'm afraid.
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Old 12-28-2015, 07:26 PM
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Keep working at the boundaries. You don't have to be perfect just be sure you chew over what happened and come up with a plan if something like this happens again.

Is there anything in particular that you can do to take care of yourself?
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Old 12-28-2015, 07:48 PM
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The best idea, I think, is for her just to LEAVE for now. Gives you time to work on boundaries, among its other virtues.
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Old 12-29-2015, 08:31 AM
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Just hugs!!!

My AH had an affair with a co-worker also, and continued contact with her, and minimized it, after the physical part of the affair was over.. it is just unimaginable pain.
To have to deal with that on top of the alcoholism/addiction... not to mention raising children... it's just too much without support.

My heart goes out to you and I'm glad you're here!
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Old 12-29-2015, 10:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Kboys View Post
Just hugs!!!

My AH had an affair with a co-worker also, and continued contact with her, and minimized it, after the physical part of the affair was over.. it is just unimaginable pain.
To have to deal with that on top of the alcoholism/addiction... not to mention raising children... it's just too much without support.

My heart goes out to you and I'm glad you're here!
Thanks, Kboys. Did you end up staying together and getting past it?
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Old 12-29-2015, 10:28 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
The best idea, I think, is for her just to LEAVE for now. Gives you time to work on boundaries, among its other virtues.
I really appreciate you not sugar-coating anything for me, Lexie! Seriously, I need someone to tell me to just get a freaking backbone.

I was pretty pissed this morning. She couldn't sleep last night, I think she took some sort of upper because her behavior was pretty erratic all day. I found out after I woke up that she was up at 2am looking for apartments. But she still tells me she doesn't know what she wants to do.

I sent a couple of pretty ridiculous text messages after I left for work, basically telling her not to be there when I get home. She tried to smooth it over but then just stopped responding. So I don't know what's going to happen when I get out of work.

I hope she leaves. And I don't. But I know I need her to.
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Old 12-29-2015, 10:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
Keep working at the boundaries. You don't have to be perfect just be sure you chew over what happened and come up with a plan if something like this happens again.

Is there anything in particular that you can do to take care of yourself?
I'm going to try very hard to get to an Al-Anon meeting tonight. If she doesn't leave tonight then I can go. If she does I might have to get creative and find a babysitter. I really need to find my serenity though. I'm sitting here at work just obsessing and not getting anything accomplished.
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Old 12-29-2015, 10:46 AM
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I obsess when I'm trying to control something.

That texting dance you're doing? I know when I was in hard-core codie mode I would look at the phone twenty times a day waiting for that call or text for him to confirm my feelings or to answer my question or just to give me any attention.

Being addicted to the relationship and to its drama causes that. Detaching is so freeing.
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Old 12-29-2015, 10:52 AM
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Oh, I wanted to say...some AlAnon meetings in my area have free childcare on-premises. If you have any phone numbers from people in AlAnon, call them and ask about this. People will do whatever they can to help you get to a meeting.
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Old 12-29-2015, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
I obsess when I'm trying to control something.

That texting dance you're doing? I know when I was in hard-core codie mode I would look at the phone twenty times a day waiting for that call or text for him to confirm my feelings or to answer my question or just to give me any attention.

Being addicted to the relationship and to its drama causes that. Detaching is so freeing.
You're absolutely right. I feel out of control in myself so I'm trying to stay one step ahead and assert control over what's going on right now. If I continue to check out phone usage to see if she called the girl yet today, then at least I'll be one step ahead and can plan without being blindsided! Except no, it's not helping me. I can see that this is unhealthy right now. I think I need to go for a walk.
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Old 12-29-2015, 11:20 AM
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Originally Posted by findingme26 View Post
Thanks, Kboys. Did you end up staying together and getting past it?
He moved out for a brief period of time last October 2014, but then I let him come home when he promised to stay sober and end communication with her.... he did stay dry for nine months, but no real recovery efforts... and it took several months after he moved back for communication to stop completely with her... they still worked together for a while.. he told me he only talked to her when he "absolutely had to" but I knew better... The continued lies and minimizing almost hurt worse than the initial sting of learning about it.

He started drinking again in July, things went to **** again, and we are now separated, and have no contact at this time...

I spent a lot of the last year being angry at myself for allowing him to move back when I did... But I'm starting to forgive myself. I tried my best to make it work, and I don't regret that anymore.

Take care of you and your kiddos!!
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Old 12-29-2015, 11:48 AM
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Originally Posted by findingme26 View Post
You're absolutely right. I feel out of control in myself so I'm trying to stay one step ahead and assert control over what's going on right now. If I continue to check out phone usage to see if she called the girl yet today, then at least I'll be one step ahead and can plan without being blindsided! Except no, it's not helping me. I can see that this is unhealthy right now. I think I need to go for a walk.
I totally get that obsessed feeling.... Ugh... I used to check the phone records over and over and over, and facebook, etc. I was completely useless at work for a long time. I am probably lucky to still have my job...
I knew it was unhealthy, and yet I just couldn't stop myself.
Honestly, I still struggle with it... but I'm getting better

Someone here, I think it was firebolt, said she would keep a bracelet on her wrist that she could snap herself with when the obsessive thoughts began, and was able to train her mind away from it with time....
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Old 12-29-2015, 11:54 AM
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I was the same way for YEARS. The first few months of trying to break those habits were incredibly difficult. I amassed a long list of things to do to keep my mind off checking phone logs, sending text after text after text, snooping, etc. So many things helped, but honestly, being able to come here and vent about it, and seek understanding and suggestions--that has been the biggest factor in my ongoing recovery from that obsessive behavior.

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Old 12-29-2015, 12:03 PM
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I would just assume she's going to call the girl. Assume she's going to drink.

Because she will.

Does that help any? Probably not, but neither does trying to future trip.

That is how much control you really have. Zero.

She has shown you who she is. Believe her.

The walk - or any distraction - is a really good idea.
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Old 12-29-2015, 12:14 PM
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Still struggling with whether/how we can continue to live in the same house and if it's better for the kids or not. If we can be peaceful, I think it won't be damaging to the kids.

This, and your comments wondering if people make it back together after a partner has an affair, make me think that you haven't really digested what is happening right now. That is often what happens when our lives become so enmeshed with someone who isn't emotionally healthy.

In loving them, we make excuses for them and rationalize, and downplay the truth of what they've done.

She's an addict/alcoholic who cannot control her behavior. She has had an affair that, similarly, she is not really giving up. In some ways, that can be like another addiction; she has made deep commitments to you emotionally and legally, and yet, she cannot keep her promise to honor them.

As for kids, as the child of an abusive alcoholic father and a dysfunctional co-dependent mother, it would have been much much better for me to have lived with one stable, rational, reasonable parent than the life I had.

Children - especially as young as yours are - perceive far more of the dysfunction in the household and in their parents' behavior than we think they do. The problem is that, being children, they are still centered around themselves, and that often makes them believe they are the cause of the dysfunction and they are responsible.

Better that the truth be out and you reinforce a healthy home for them, no matter what your spouse does. And Lexie is very wise; to give your spouse parental custody is not in the best interest of your children, no matter how much you would like it to be. If, when, she gets into real and sustained recovery, then you can work out a visitation schedule that is fair and reasonable for all. Until then, she is a loose cannon, and is best out of your home and on her own.

I think many of us look at the future with the rose colored glasses we had on when we met and fell in love with our partners. Yet the truth is that we are not seeing the reality of what is going on right now. When we use nostalgia for the past good times as the lens for what we'd like our future to be, we can do damage.

Keep posting, keep reading. One saying of Alanon is that "more will be revealed".

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Old 12-29-2015, 03:24 PM
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Originally Posted by ShootingStar1 View Post
This, and your comments wondering if people make it back together after a partner has an affair, make me think that you haven't really digested what is happening right now. That is often what happens when our lives become so enmeshed with someone who isn't emotionally healthy.

ShootingStar1
You're right, ShootingStar, I haven't completely digested it yet. I know that I'm still in denial that she's actually going to leave and that our relationship could very well be over. I know rationally that everything you are all saying is true, and I know what I should be doing. It's really difficult to put the plan into actual action though when I feel like I'm fighting it emotionally every step of the way. I have so much work to do in my own recovery, it feels overwhelming sometimes.

That's why I keep coming back and posting here though. I really do need to hear a dose of reality from outside people who don't know me at all, but know so much about my relationship dysfunction that it's scary!

She is home right now, going to watch the kids so I can go to my meeting tonight. I'm making plans to spend New Year's Eve with the kids at my mom's house and I've asked her to please find somewhere to stay this weekend.
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Old 12-29-2015, 03:34 PM
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FindingMe, I think those are excellent steps. I, too, know how overwhelming all of this feels. All you can do is take one step at a time. Be gentle with yourself, and be sure to give yourself credit for each step you take.
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