what to expect once he's sober
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 26
what to expect once he's sober
My ABF is now 2 months sober. I've prayed for this for a long time, but now what? He hit rock bottom and the alcohol affected his health, so that is what brought him to sobriety.
I have never been a drinker and it took me awhile to recognize what I was dealing with, but by that point I was already bonded. So I worried and tried to encourage him toward sobriety. I became very stressed and felt in limbo. So, I detached with love and pulled away for my own sanity. We stayed in touch (which held the bond) but I would not see him as long as he drank ... which turned into a long period of time.
Now, he acts as though his health issues had nothing to do with the drinking .... on the contrary, everything wrong with his health was 100% caused by the drinking, per the doc.
Today, he acts like I didn't care enough, as I had to keep my distance during all of this. Truth is, I cared way too much.
Now, he's 2 month sober. I find myself, giving him praising words for his 2 month success, but he was forced to do it (health and rock bottom). Now, he wants us to start back where we left off (because he's now sober. He "did what I wanted him to do".
It's not that simple. My feelings and concerns are ignored. He's fragile, so I can't talk about my feelings. I need to heal too. I need to know him sober. I need to know if he will be able to pull himself back together financially. I can't rescue. I excused bad behaviors that he did, because I blamed the drinking...but how am I to know? I need him to be willing to go slow, give me time with this.....I feel pressured.
Now he says that I'm never satisfied. He says, "I did what you wanted and you’re still not happy". "I don't think I could ever satisfy you". That is not me at all, but alcoholism is complicated. He thinks it only affects him, but it affects everyone close to him.
I noticed he's now become critical of me (now that he's sober), saying that I act this way or that way and that I am irritating, but he’s trying to “accept these flaws”. Then he follows the criticisms with "I love you so much"... so confusing.
I don't think he's with AA for support, but I can't ask. He doesn't want me to ask questions, just wants me to blindly proceed with the relationship where we left off.
What have you guys experienced? does this sound familiar? what do you recommend on how to handle this and proceed.
I have never been a drinker and it took me awhile to recognize what I was dealing with, but by that point I was already bonded. So I worried and tried to encourage him toward sobriety. I became very stressed and felt in limbo. So, I detached with love and pulled away for my own sanity. We stayed in touch (which held the bond) but I would not see him as long as he drank ... which turned into a long period of time.
Now, he acts as though his health issues had nothing to do with the drinking .... on the contrary, everything wrong with his health was 100% caused by the drinking, per the doc.
Today, he acts like I didn't care enough, as I had to keep my distance during all of this. Truth is, I cared way too much.
Now, he's 2 month sober. I find myself, giving him praising words for his 2 month success, but he was forced to do it (health and rock bottom). Now, he wants us to start back where we left off (because he's now sober. He "did what I wanted him to do".
It's not that simple. My feelings and concerns are ignored. He's fragile, so I can't talk about my feelings. I need to heal too. I need to know him sober. I need to know if he will be able to pull himself back together financially. I can't rescue. I excused bad behaviors that he did, because I blamed the drinking...but how am I to know? I need him to be willing to go slow, give me time with this.....I feel pressured.
Now he says that I'm never satisfied. He says, "I did what you wanted and you’re still not happy". "I don't think I could ever satisfy you". That is not me at all, but alcoholism is complicated. He thinks it only affects him, but it affects everyone close to him.
I noticed he's now become critical of me (now that he's sober), saying that I act this way or that way and that I am irritating, but he’s trying to “accept these flaws”. Then he follows the criticisms with "I love you so much"... so confusing.
I don't think he's with AA for support, but I can't ask. He doesn't want me to ask questions, just wants me to blindly proceed with the relationship where we left off.
What have you guys experienced? does this sound familiar? what do you recommend on how to handle this and proceed.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
marisa......it doesn't look like he is taking p ersonal responsibility for for his side of the street......
I suggest that you go to the stickies at the top of the page.....
Go to the one titled "Classic Readings"......and read the one called: "10 ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap". I think that will give you an idea.....
With no commitment to a program of recovery......and his attitude that he is doing it for you......he appears to just be white-knuckling it......so, his abstainence is likely to be short lived......
It doesn't sound, to me, like he has a clue as to what recovery is all about......
I hope that you do a lot of reading here, in the stickies......there is a ton that you can learn.....things that you NEED to k now.......
dandylion
I suggest that you go to the stickies at the top of the page.....
Go to the one titled "Classic Readings"......and read the one called: "10 ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap". I think that will give you an idea.....
With no commitment to a program of recovery......and his attitude that he is doing it for you......he appears to just be white-knuckling it......so, his abstainence is likely to be short lived......
It doesn't sound, to me, like he has a clue as to what recovery is all about......
I hope that you do a lot of reading here, in the stickies......there is a ton that you can learn.....things that you NEED to k now.......
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Ditto what dandy said. I wouldn't count on the health problems to keep him sober. My second husband almost died as a result of drinking (liver/kidney failure, comatose for several days, etc.) but he went right back to it within a matter of months. And if this guy doesn't even believe his health problems had anything to do with alcohol, then it doesn't sound too promising.
Frankly, I'd move on with my life. It sounds as if yours is on indefinite hold for something that probably isn't going to happen (healthy, happy sobriety).
Frankly, I'd move on with my life. It sounds as if yours is on indefinite hold for something that probably isn't going to happen (healthy, happy sobriety).
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I heard similar stuff from my A, marisa. I would never be satisfied, I was too demanding, wasn't I happy now that I had my way, etc. And in my case, the joke was that he never actually quit drinking, just got way better at hiding it.
"Stopping drinking" and "recovery" are only partly related. An A cannot do recovery w/o stopping drinking, but the roads are littered w/those who are trying to stop drinking w/o doing recovery (w/short-lived success at best). Without the tools and support for learning a new way of living life, simply white-knuckling his way dry is NOT recovery and is very, very unlikely to succeed in the long run. I mean, look at how it is now, right? He is (allegedly) not drinking, but is he happy? Are YOU? It's still not a relationship you'd want to continue as it is, right?
It looks to me like you're looking to him and his (alleged) cessation of drinking to fix everything. Sadly, that is unlikely to happen. I wasted 4 years while XAH faked going to AA meetings and lied about being sober b/c I, too, wanted HIM to do the work to fix us both. I mean, HE was the one w/the drinking problem, right? Then I finally found SR and Alanon and now, 3 years later, I'm beginning to have a clue. The main thing I learned? I have to do my own work. Nobody else is going to fix ME thru their actions or words.
I'm guessing you're in a similar space. SR and Alanon and a ton of reading about codependence and other recovery topics helped me. I'm betting it would be a good place for you to begin also.
"Stopping drinking" and "recovery" are only partly related. An A cannot do recovery w/o stopping drinking, but the roads are littered w/those who are trying to stop drinking w/o doing recovery (w/short-lived success at best). Without the tools and support for learning a new way of living life, simply white-knuckling his way dry is NOT recovery and is very, very unlikely to succeed in the long run. I mean, look at how it is now, right? He is (allegedly) not drinking, but is he happy? Are YOU? It's still not a relationship you'd want to continue as it is, right?
It looks to me like you're looking to him and his (alleged) cessation of drinking to fix everything. Sadly, that is unlikely to happen. I wasted 4 years while XAH faked going to AA meetings and lied about being sober b/c I, too, wanted HIM to do the work to fix us both. I mean, HE was the one w/the drinking problem, right? Then I finally found SR and Alanon and now, 3 years later, I'm beginning to have a clue. The main thing I learned? I have to do my own work. Nobody else is going to fix ME thru their actions or words.
I'm guessing you're in a similar space. SR and Alanon and a ton of reading about codependence and other recovery topics helped me. I'm betting it would be a good place for you to begin also.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I think most of us hit our own type of rock bottom before we quit. Doesn't make it any less real or impressive. We usually need some level of horrifying before we are able to admit me have a problem and must quit.
Two months though it is all so new and he has a long way to go. Along with possibly facing longer term withdrawal symptoms. Known as PAWS, post acute withdrawal syndrome. He really is in no condition for a relationship. I would recommend a year or two. He hasn't accepted the reality of his alcoholism and may never. I would really question why you are sticking around waiting for a great big unknown.
Two months though it is all so new and he has a long way to go. Along with possibly facing longer term withdrawal symptoms. Known as PAWS, post acute withdrawal syndrome. He really is in no condition for a relationship. I would recommend a year or two. He hasn't accepted the reality of his alcoholism and may never. I would really question why you are sticking around waiting for a great big unknown.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I excused bad behaviors that he did, because I blamed the drinking...but how am I to know? I need him to be willing to go slow, give me time with this.....I feel pressured.
it COULD be that you are beginning to see/notice/realize that he doesn't need to drink to be a self-absorbed jerk....that he just wakes up that way.
while granted 8 weeks sober is VERY early recovery and NOBODY is "restored to sanity" or all better, that does not give him the right to CONTINUE to make everything ALL ABOUT HIM. but that may just be his standard operating procedure, and he may not HAVE the capacity to really give a rip about how YOU feel.
detach, distance and......some other helpful word that starts with D - my mind just went blank. sigh.
it COULD be that you are beginning to see/notice/realize that he doesn't need to drink to be a self-absorbed jerk....that he just wakes up that way.
while granted 8 weeks sober is VERY early recovery and NOBODY is "restored to sanity" or all better, that does not give him the right to CONTINUE to make everything ALL ABOUT HIM. but that may just be his standard operating procedure, and he may not HAVE the capacity to really give a rip about how YOU feel.
detach, distance and......some other helpful word that starts with D - my mind just went blank. sigh.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
My ex hadn't fully quit but his blaming behavior was the same. Someone in recovery takes full responsibility for their behavior. He's not drinking but he's no where near active sobriety. This will continue to take a toll on you. Protect yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 214
Many people experience health problems or relationship problems and it will prompt them to stop drinking. It can be confusing when you initially stop to determine what problems in life were caused by drinking and what is really a seperate issue. I had a problem 5 years ago, worked with my doctor and quit. I didnt need a program however I did later use therapy to help me work through some issues. My husband stayed close and was my biggest support. Even with this, we had to double back and work on our relationship. It took time and you are well within your rights to ask him to go slow and allow progress to be made gradually. Make sure you clearly express your feelings but note them as your own feelings to sort through. You need his patience, effort to meet your needs.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
If you decide to continue this relationship I highly recommend you attend at least six Alanon meetings. I also submit that two months of sobriety is meaningless. Two years means something. Two months means nothing.
Take care, and seriously consider why you "stayed" bonded to a drinking alcoholic. I did too, and the problem is me-- not her. It turns out I was just as F'd up as she was, except that my drug of choice is needy women, alcoholics, and drug addicts.
Take care, and seriously consider why you "stayed" bonded to a drinking alcoholic. I did too, and the problem is me-- not her. It turns out I was just as F'd up as she was, except that my drug of choice is needy women, alcoholics, and drug addicts.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 26
Thanks everyone. Happy, what are the symptoms of PAWS? How soon does it start after drinking stops?
The worst pressure I get from him is sex. He acts like its been long enough. He doesn't get how if we stay together, we need to start from the beginning. He's the one that chose drinking. Now, he puts this pressure on me. After all this, I don't want to. It doesn't mean that I don't care deeply for him, but I need to work on our friendship first. Taking this strep before my healing would emotionally be bad for me.
How do you guys recommend I respond to this in a way that is not somehow offensive to him?
AP, in what ways do you recommend I protect myself?
Thanks everyone.
The worst pressure I get from him is sex. He acts like its been long enough. He doesn't get how if we stay together, we need to start from the beginning. He's the one that chose drinking. Now, he puts this pressure on me. After all this, I don't want to. It doesn't mean that I don't care deeply for him, but I need to work on our friendship first. Taking this strep before my healing would emotionally be bad for me.
How do you guys recommend I respond to this in a way that is not somehow offensive to him?
AP, in what ways do you recommend I protect myself?
Thanks everyone.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
marisa......men tend to think that sex means that "everything is o.k."
back to basics: "No" means NO. You have to put yourself first, here.
No m an ever died from lack of sex (though they would like you to believe it).....
Tell him the truth! Just because he is an alcoholic...doesn't mean that he should be shielded from the truth. You would do him no favors by trying to shield him.......His reaction is his problem...not yours.
You are enabling every time you shield an alcoholic from the natural consequences of their actions.......
Whenever you have sex before you are ready or you don't want to.....you are diminishing yourself ...........
dandylion
back to basics: "No" means NO. You have to put yourself first, here.
No m an ever died from lack of sex (though they would like you to believe it).....
Tell him the truth! Just because he is an alcoholic...doesn't mean that he should be shielded from the truth. You would do him no favors by trying to shield him.......His reaction is his problem...not yours.
You are enabling every time you shield an alcoholic from the natural consequences of their actions.......
Whenever you have sex before you are ready or you don't want to.....you are diminishing yourself ...........
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Marisa, I think if you were with someone who truly respected your feelings and wanted you to be comfortable, you wouldn't have to be trying to figure out how to "make" him understand where you're coming from, or how to not offend him because you are not ready for intimacy. You cannot control or change him with your words or actions. This is who he is right now and there is no guarantee he will ever be different, or any way to predict it. You can focus on taking care of yourself instead of trying to make him see how his behavior and choices affect you, and you will get a lot more peace out of it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he continues to demonstrate that he cares ONLY about himself, not about YOU the person, only you as an object to do his bidding. he isn't concerned about rebuilding an healthy, stable, respectful relationship with you......he wants HIS needs met, period.
quit worrying about how HE feels......you can't control that anyways. get out of his head and back in your own. what YOU want, what YOU need - but don't look to HIM to supply any of that.
quit worrying about how HE feels......you can't control that anyways. get out of his head and back in your own. what YOU want, what YOU need - but don't look to HIM to supply any of that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Marisa,
I saw on an Oprah program (many many years ago) a therapist said "foreplay" starts the minute you get up in the morning. Tell him that.
Your ABF is sober. As said above, becoming sober is not only about not drinking. It is about growing ups, sobering up and working a program. He currently is a dry drunk. Doing all the same things as when he was drinking, but he is sober.
You didn't like him drunk, why would you like him now? You should be so happy and support him, but what about you. Who supports you when you lived with all his crxp? You are still angry and I would highly recommend hitting an alanon meeting. They can help support your needs, because you become as sick as he is.
They say all over this forum, "talk to me at a year of sobriety". That's how long it takes for them to "prove" their commitment to sobriety.
Hugs my friend, and stop worrying about him. Take care of you, get yourself in a good place and then you can make some sound decisions of what you want in life.
I saw on an Oprah program (many many years ago) a therapist said "foreplay" starts the minute you get up in the morning. Tell him that.
Your ABF is sober. As said above, becoming sober is not only about not drinking. It is about growing ups, sobering up and working a program. He currently is a dry drunk. Doing all the same things as when he was drinking, but he is sober.
You didn't like him drunk, why would you like him now? You should be so happy and support him, but what about you. Who supports you when you lived with all his crxp? You are still angry and I would highly recommend hitting an alanon meeting. They can help support your needs, because you become as sick as he is.
They say all over this forum, "talk to me at a year of sobriety". That's how long it takes for them to "prove" their commitment to sobriety.
Hugs my friend, and stop worrying about him. Take care of you, get yourself in a good place and then you can make some sound decisions of what you want in life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
They say all over this forum, "talk to me at a year of sobriety". That's how long it takes for them to "prove" their commitment to sobriety.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...st-friend.html
The disease is never "gone", never "cured." It's always lurking in the background, just waiting for the chance to dig its claws in once again.
Think very hard about what that could mean, in the event that a year of sobriety ever actually does happen and you're considering a future w/him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 26
So, after 2 months sober, they are considered to have dry drunk symptoms?
He has some wonderful quality traits, otherwise I wouldn't care so much, but some of the negative traits, ill need to find out if it was due to the drink?
Among His new traits he seems to be a bit irritable. What concerned me is when he said that even though he "will never" drink like he did, he said that no one better get upset if one day in the distant future he has a a glass of wine.
He doesn't think he needs support. He feels that he's done the healing by stopping...the health scare frightened him.
He has some wonderful quality traits, otherwise I wouldn't care so much, but some of the negative traits, ill need to find out if it was due to the drink?
Among His new traits he seems to be a bit irritable. What concerned me is when he said that even though he "will never" drink like he did, he said that no one better get upset if one day in the distant future he has a a glass of wine.
He doesn't think he needs support. He feels that he's done the healing by stopping...the health scare frightened him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
There's no one one size fits all progression of recovery.
The term "dry drunk" refers to someone who has stopped drinking but whose behavior reflects that they have done nothing to address the core issues behind their addiction. A lot of people don't like that term, but I have found it describes my mother - who has not had a drink in years - precisely. She is still the same emotionally distant, insecure, stubborn person drawn to stirring up drama and chaos.
Another term is "white-knuckling". This is someone who maintains abstinence through willpower alone. This person never develops to resources, tools, or support for when things get rough. Willpower is a resource that runs dry. It just is. That is why Step One in both AA and Al Anon is admitting powerlessness.
They best any of us can say --- as all addicts are different and none of us know your boyfriend personally -- is that it is not a great sign that he doesn't think he needs support. He is at high risk for relapse in the future.
What are your boundaries around his drinking and other behaviors (such as pressuring you for intimacy despite the fact the you've told him you're not ready for that yet)?
The term "dry drunk" refers to someone who has stopped drinking but whose behavior reflects that they have done nothing to address the core issues behind their addiction. A lot of people don't like that term, but I have found it describes my mother - who has not had a drink in years - precisely. She is still the same emotionally distant, insecure, stubborn person drawn to stirring up drama and chaos.
Another term is "white-knuckling". This is someone who maintains abstinence through willpower alone. This person never develops to resources, tools, or support for when things get rough. Willpower is a resource that runs dry. It just is. That is why Step One in both AA and Al Anon is admitting powerlessness.
They best any of us can say --- as all addicts are different and none of us know your boyfriend personally -- is that it is not a great sign that he doesn't think he needs support. He is at high risk for relapse in the future.
What are your boundaries around his drinking and other behaviors (such as pressuring you for intimacy despite the fact the you've told him you're not ready for that yet)?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
