what to expect once he's sober
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Being "sober" is a lot different from being "dry." There's a REASON AA has a program of recovery. It isn't just so the alcoholic won't drink, it's so they can live a happy sober life. Because, after all, if sober life sucks, might as well drink, right?
AA isn't the only way of achieving happy sobriety, but in my observation, those who become happily sober without AA still do much of the same kind of internal work on themselves to manage the transition. For most alcoholics, alcohol is the SOLUTION to their problems.
So I wouldn't expect any "negative character traits" to disappear because he isn't consuming alcohol. They might get a bit better (if he only displays them when he's drunk) or they might become much worse (if the drinking kept them in check).
Based on your description, your guy was "scared straight" for the MOMENT. He's already planning his next drink. That "one day in the distant future" is a lot closer than you think. My bet is he won't make it for two more months. And he will probably hide it--at first, anyway.
AA isn't the only way of achieving happy sobriety, but in my observation, those who become happily sober without AA still do much of the same kind of internal work on themselves to manage the transition. For most alcoholics, alcohol is the SOLUTION to their problems.
So I wouldn't expect any "negative character traits" to disappear because he isn't consuming alcohol. They might get a bit better (if he only displays them when he's drunk) or they might become much worse (if the drinking kept them in check).
Based on your description, your guy was "scared straight" for the MOMENT. He's already planning his next drink. That "one day in the distant future" is a lot closer than you think. My bet is he won't make it for two more months. And he will probably hide it--at first, anyway.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
marisa.....he is announcing his intention to continue drinking! He is planning it now---and, giving YOU instructions o n how to react to it.
I am a medical professional and have worked with many many alcoholics.
Yes, sometimes people do get a medical scare.....and some people make changes.....but, among addicts and alcoholics----many do not--even when they have come close to death.
As soon as they feel physically "better" again, they hit the bottle.....
Please read the article that I suggested to you.....those words a a pretty accurate gauge.....
I feel bad that you are hurting......but, hon.....he doesn't sound like he is has a clue of what recovery is all about....
BUT....your eyes are coming open....that is what is going to make the difference for you.....
I hope that you hang on to your own recovery.....and, don't ever give up.....
dandylion
I am a medical professional and have worked with many many alcoholics.
Yes, sometimes people do get a medical scare.....and some people make changes.....but, among addicts and alcoholics----many do not--even when they have come close to death.
As soon as they feel physically "better" again, they hit the bottle.....
Please read the article that I suggested to you.....those words a a pretty accurate gauge.....
I feel bad that you are hurting......but, hon.....he doesn't sound like he is has a clue of what recovery is all about....
BUT....your eyes are coming open....that is what is going to make the difference for you.....
I hope that you hang on to your own recovery.....and, don't ever give up.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He doesn't think he needs support. He feels that he's done the healing by stopping...the health scare frightened him.
didn't scare him enough to swear off alcohol FOREVER....he's already TOLD you he plans to drink again. and to hell with anyone who gets in the way of that.
restless, irritable and discontent. from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, The Doctor's Opinion:
Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable, and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks --- drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This repeated over and over, and unlesss this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.
didn't scare him enough to swear off alcohol FOREVER....he's already TOLD you he plans to drink again. and to hell with anyone who gets in the way of that.
restless, irritable and discontent. from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, The Doctor's Opinion:
Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable, and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks --- drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This repeated over and over, and unlesss this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,984
Marisa, good for you for coming here and asking questions. You are way ahead of the pack on this . . . .not that this is a race or competition but there is definitely a lot of us either in your position currently or who have been in your position in the past.
Dealing with alcoholics and addicts is so very, very difficult and painful. I second pretty much everything that everyone is saying. Please stick to that very healthy boundary you have set about sex and do everything you can to take care of yourself. The clearer you are with your boundaries with yourself and him, the better the situation will be (Even if your boundaries mean an end to the relationship).
I keep trying to recruit folks to Firesprite's "Taking care of you" thread as I feel self-care is to codependents as not-drinking is to alcoholics. (Boundaries are in there too).
Dealing with alcoholics and addicts is so very, very difficult and painful. I second pretty much everything that everyone is saying. Please stick to that very healthy boundary you have set about sex and do everything you can to take care of yourself. The clearer you are with your boundaries with yourself and him, the better the situation will be (Even if your boundaries mean an end to the relationship).
I keep trying to recruit folks to Firesprite's "Taking care of you" thread as I feel self-care is to codependents as not-drinking is to alcoholics. (Boundaries are in there too).
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by marisa2 
Among His new traits he seems to be a bit irritable. What concerned me is when he said that even though he "will never" drink like he did, he said that no one better get upset if one day in the distant future he has a a glass of wine.
He doesn't think he needs support. He feels that he's done the healing by stopping...the health scare frightened him.
its a pre meditated drunk. it will happen and he will drag you down with him IF you stick around and allow it.
if these words from him arent saying,"marissa, time to end this relationship!"
idk what words youd need to hear to get ya to see its time to take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: California
Posts: 11
Your situation is so similar to mine. I gave my AW an ultimatum, rehab or divorce. She did 30 days and on day 14 after rehab drank. She had been mad at me because even though she had gone to rehab, I wasn't making her feel good enough once she came home. She definitely fits the description dry drunk but now with the drinking episode, I guess she is an alcoholic again. I am heart broken. I want to support and love her but I don't want to enable her. It is so tough because of the 14 year marriage and our 13 year old child. My gut tells me it won't get better, my heart says I have to give her more time. I don't want to be a fool nor cold hearted.
I feel your pain. There is great advice here, good luck.
I feel your pain. There is great advice here, good luck.
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