AH is hiding from me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
AH is hiding from me
AH and I had a conversation last week in regards to him depositing his half of the day care money on time (we've had this conversation before). He tends to lag a week behind or sometimes even pay a week ahead (not complaining about that one) but it gets confusing to track because of course I'm the one who has to always keep track of EVERYTHING. I asked him nicely if he could set up an automatic transfer on the same day every week, he said no. I asked for him to pay the day care and I reimburse him instead, he said no. I asked him to pick a day and pay on that day every week, not a week ahead and not a week behind, he said ok. He did make a stink first, telling me that its not that hard to keep track of. Of course he would say that, ironically just 2 weeks before that he thought he owed me money and he didn't, I could've taken it anyway but I'm not that type of person. 3 days ago (Tuesday) he tells me that he's going to deposit 2 weeks payment (plus his half of other expenses for the kids) on Thursday (didn't we just agree that you wouldn't do this?) and I just said sure because I didn't want to argue and given his recent state who knows when I 'll get money from him again! So yesterday (Thursday) I called to ask about the money he was to deposit (never made it into my account) and also remind him of our son's blue belt (karate) test this Saturday morning. I had almost forgotten myself and I knew for sure that he did, so I just wanted to do the right thing and remind him. I called in the morning, afternoon and evening-he never answered or returned my call.
Today I went to of my regular places for lunch, which is ironically around the corner from his house (we live 5 mins from each other and I work 10 mins away) I saw him sitting in his car smoking a cigarette. I honked the horn as I passed and I believe he honked back. After passing him I remember the money and the belt test so I spun around the corner but when I came back he was gone. I called him, he didn't answer. Then I called again 5 minutes later and he didn't answer. I went back to work and ate my lunch, this was about 2 hours ago and he still hasn't called me back. I'm just sitting here in disbelief...how could he just hide from me? My guess (I can bet everything) is that he was high or drunk and didn't want me to see or hear him but what if there was something important going on with one of our children? What do I tell my son when he asks "where's daddy" tomorrow at his test? I feel like I'm at my desk crying dry tears, I don't know how to cry anymore as I've been all cried out as of months ago. How long is he going to hide? I thought surely when he pulled off he was on his way to the bank to deposit into my account, just checked online...nope he didn't.
For sure he'll make it seem like it's my fault when he finds out he missed the test, he'll say I should have left him a voicemail or a text...long sigh!!!
I just need some words of encouragement...
Today I went to of my regular places for lunch, which is ironically around the corner from his house (we live 5 mins from each other and I work 10 mins away) I saw him sitting in his car smoking a cigarette. I honked the horn as I passed and I believe he honked back. After passing him I remember the money and the belt test so I spun around the corner but when I came back he was gone. I called him, he didn't answer. Then I called again 5 minutes later and he didn't answer. I went back to work and ate my lunch, this was about 2 hours ago and he still hasn't called me back. I'm just sitting here in disbelief...how could he just hide from me? My guess (I can bet everything) is that he was high or drunk and didn't want me to see or hear him but what if there was something important going on with one of our children? What do I tell my son when he asks "where's daddy" tomorrow at his test? I feel like I'm at my desk crying dry tears, I don't know how to cry anymore as I've been all cried out as of months ago. How long is he going to hide? I thought surely when he pulled off he was on his way to the bank to deposit into my account, just checked online...nope he didn't.
For sure he'll make it seem like it's my fault when he finds out he missed the test, he'll say I should have left him a voicemail or a text...long sigh!!!
I just need some words of encouragement...
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dimindaruf......
Perhaps you can, eventually, have what he owes you taken from his wages. (I have heard of that )...through legal means.....
He is who he is....and, may never measure up to what you want him to be, or what he should be ....... It is like trying to helicopter over an irresponsible teenager to get them to do what they are responsible for....
It becomes easier when you can detach enough to just accept that they are who they are....and lower your expectations, accordingly......
The less you expect....the less you will be disappointed......
This is just my opinion.....but, I think that we place sooo much weight on the idea that the kids need/want us there for every activity...both parents cheering them on. I think that is more in the mind of the parent than the mind of the kids.
My experience....the kids are so absorbed into what is going on within their own world of their peers and the activity, itself. When they are young, they need a ride, and, maybe, one parent there to chaperone from the side.
As they get a little older...and into the teen years....they seem to care less.
They actually preferred that I drop them off.....then just return to pick them up and take them to McDonalds........lol.......
dandylion
Perhaps you can, eventually, have what he owes you taken from his wages. (I have heard of that )...through legal means.....
He is who he is....and, may never measure up to what you want him to be, or what he should be ....... It is like trying to helicopter over an irresponsible teenager to get them to do what they are responsible for....
It becomes easier when you can detach enough to just accept that they are who they are....and lower your expectations, accordingly......
The less you expect....the less you will be disappointed......
This is just my opinion.....but, I think that we place sooo much weight on the idea that the kids need/want us there for every activity...both parents cheering them on. I think that is more in the mind of the parent than the mind of the kids.
My experience....the kids are so absorbed into what is going on within their own world of their peers and the activity, itself. When they are young, they need a ride, and, maybe, one parent there to chaperone from the side.
As they get a little older...and into the teen years....they seem to care less.
They actually preferred that I drop them off.....then just return to pick them up and take them to McDonalds........lol.......
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
It might be time to stop expecting him to behave like a responsible, accountable person. That energy is better spent making arrangements that don't rely on him, and encouraging and celebrating your son's accomplishment.
I'm sorry you're stuck with an irresponsible co-parent. Try to manage your expectations so you are not always being blind-sided by he is perfectly predictable behavior.
I'm sorry you're stuck with an irresponsible co-parent. Try to manage your expectations so you are not always being blind-sided by he is perfectly predictable behavior.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Laurelton
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Dimindaruf......
Perhaps you can, eventually, have what he owes you taken from his wages. (I have heard of that )...through legal means.....
He is who he is....and, may never measure up to what you want him to be, or what he should be ....... It is like trying to helicopter over an irresponsible teenager to get them to do what they are responsible for....
It becomes easier when you can detach enough to just accept that they are who they are....and lower your expectations, accordingly......
The less you expect....the less you will be disappointed......
This is just my opinion.....but, I think that we place sooo much weight on the idea that the kids need/want us there for every activity...both parents cheering them on. I think that is more in the mind of the parent than the mind of the kids.
My experience....the kids are so absorbed into what is going on within their own world of their peers and the activity, itself. When they are young, they need a ride, and, maybe, one parent there to chaperone from the side.
As they get a little older...and into the teen years....they seem to care less.
They actually preferred that I drop them off.....then just return to pick them up and take them to McDonalds........lol.......
dandylion
Perhaps you can, eventually, have what he owes you taken from his wages. (I have heard of that )...through legal means.....
He is who he is....and, may never measure up to what you want him to be, or what he should be ....... It is like trying to helicopter over an irresponsible teenager to get them to do what they are responsible for....
It becomes easier when you can detach enough to just accept that they are who they are....and lower your expectations, accordingly......
The less you expect....the less you will be disappointed......
This is just my opinion.....but, I think that we place sooo much weight on the idea that the kids need/want us there for every activity...both parents cheering them on. I think that is more in the mind of the parent than the mind of the kids.
My experience....the kids are so absorbed into what is going on within their own world of their peers and the activity, itself. When they are young, they need a ride, and, maybe, one parent there to chaperone from the side.
As they get a little older...and into the teen years....they seem to care less.
They actually preferred that I drop them off.....then just return to pick them up and take them to McDonalds........lol.......
dandylion
As for our son....you're probably right, I might be putting too much focus on it. It's just that I hate being the one who has to answer their questions about their father. When times like this hit and he goes missing they beg to see their dad, ask me where he is and if they're going to see him later....breaks my heart.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
It might save you some pain and stress to just leave a message, text or email him times of your kids events. If he responds, or shows up, or doesn't, then that's his loss. Kids are resilient - and I could guess it's healthier for them for dad to no show - rather than to show up blasted. Take care of yourself D - it helps to put ALL of your focus on YOU. You are way more important to a great life for your son than he is right now. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
One thing that I've decided to do is to conduct ALL important communication via text or email, not phone calls. This helps in a couple of ways - it frees me from the stress of a live conversation, and it provides a concrete record of interactions (less he-said/she-said BS).
I also agree about lowering expectations. All it's going to do is drive you nuts when he is irresponsible.
I also agree about lowering expectations. All it's going to do is drive you nuts when he is irresponsible.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Does he not have voicemail? Is he unable to receive texts? I don't understand why you didn't simply leave a message. Why was it necessary to have a conversation about it?
Actually, email is better because you then have a record of the communication.
Given the way things have been going, the less personal contact you have, the better, I would think. Let him know about the kids' events, but you aren't his secretary and it isn't your job to remind him.
Actually, email is better because you then have a record of the communication.
Given the way things have been going, the less personal contact you have, the better, I would think. Let him know about the kids' events, but you aren't his secretary and it isn't your job to remind him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,979
Ah Dimndaruf, this type of thing is so very hard especially when you see your kids suffering. You are most likely right about him being high or drunk. I hope the divorce will make the boundaries clearer between the two of you. Unfortunately his alcoholism is more likely to degenerate than improve. Keep coming here and posting!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
My suggestion would be no more personal contact. No more meetings. You have and are paying a lawyer for a reason. He, I assume, has a lawyer, too. This is communication best left between the two of them.
You are serving divorce papers. There's no need or reason to drive by him and even acknowlege him, much less circle back to confront him. No need.
You guys are both a little too entangled in each other's lives right now, and it's not because you have children. This is behavior that would likely happen if a divorce were being processed without kids. To me, there's a lot of recognition that you need to do - you can't count on him for anything, if we can be honest. How do you want this to proceed? How much do you want to talk to him, and what are your constraints?
You have the control here now. I think that's the biggest thing you need to come to realize. You control your future, moving forward. How do you want to spend that time? Chasing him around? Making sure he does his due diligence? I mean, how'd that work out previously? I do know that these are nice thoughts, and we're not always immediately at this point when these separations are happening. I get that. However, you are not doing yourself any favor playing along with these games of his. I would be willing to bet that he loved the fact that he drove you crazy that day disappearing like he did.
Let this kind of communcation go between the lawyers. Let your lawyer work for you like you're paying him or her to do. By carrying on like this, there's no reason to go through the trouble of divorce to begin with, really. You're doing it for a reason, and for a very good and right reason - for your own sanity and well being, as well as your children. Point being, you are doing this for a great reason so there's no need to continue to act like you have to do this kind of stuff. If you don't want to stick that with the lawyer, then communicate this through the most innocuous communication that you can (email). And don't react when you don't get a response.
Overall, it sounds like you've been taking a lot of good strides. Just keep it up, and continue to disengage. He doesn't need reminders of what the kids are doing. If he forgets, gets too drunk to show up, or anything else, that's his problem. I understand wanting to make him something for your kids, but you know you can't do that. Let that go and be there to just let your kids know they have at least one parent they can count on (for the record, it sounds like they already know this - so just keep moving on in that point).
You are serving divorce papers. There's no need or reason to drive by him and even acknowlege him, much less circle back to confront him. No need.
You guys are both a little too entangled in each other's lives right now, and it's not because you have children. This is behavior that would likely happen if a divorce were being processed without kids. To me, there's a lot of recognition that you need to do - you can't count on him for anything, if we can be honest. How do you want this to proceed? How much do you want to talk to him, and what are your constraints?
You have the control here now. I think that's the biggest thing you need to come to realize. You control your future, moving forward. How do you want to spend that time? Chasing him around? Making sure he does his due diligence? I mean, how'd that work out previously? I do know that these are nice thoughts, and we're not always immediately at this point when these separations are happening. I get that. However, you are not doing yourself any favor playing along with these games of his. I would be willing to bet that he loved the fact that he drove you crazy that day disappearing like he did.
Let this kind of communcation go between the lawyers. Let your lawyer work for you like you're paying him or her to do. By carrying on like this, there's no reason to go through the trouble of divorce to begin with, really. You're doing it for a reason, and for a very good and right reason - for your own sanity and well being, as well as your children. Point being, you are doing this for a great reason so there's no need to continue to act like you have to do this kind of stuff. If you don't want to stick that with the lawyer, then communicate this through the most innocuous communication that you can (email). And don't react when you don't get a response.
Overall, it sounds like you've been taking a lot of good strides. Just keep it up, and continue to disengage. He doesn't need reminders of what the kids are doing. If he forgets, gets too drunk to show up, or anything else, that's his problem. I understand wanting to make him something for your kids, but you know you can't do that. Let that go and be there to just let your kids know they have at least one parent they can count on (for the record, it sounds like they already know this - so just keep moving on in that point).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
My sister separated from her child's father a while back, and has been struggling to find that fine line between communicating for their child's sake and fighting for old time's sake. I suggested a website I've seen mentioned here, and she has been using it and finds it really helps. Each parent can access it, and it has a calendar to keep track of visitation and kids' events, and you can also do all your communicating through their messaging system. It's called "Our Family Wizard." It might really come in handy.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,413
Maybe deep down you don't want to go No Contact/ child-related only issues?
It is really hard when you still care for someone at first, but
ultimately it is easier for you and them--certainly children will be less confused
or stressed when communication isn't going well or you send mixed signals.
Our Family Wizard / texting only / lawyers seems a good plan.
Sending you a hug D--making these choices wasn't easy, but you are putting
kids first and your stable and happy home will be life-changing for them.
It is really hard when you still care for someone at first, but
ultimately it is easier for you and them--certainly children will be less confused
or stressed when communication isn't going well or you send mixed signals.
Our Family Wizard / texting only / lawyers seems a good plan.
Sending you a hug D--making these choices wasn't easy, but you are putting
kids first and your stable and happy home will be life-changing for them.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Question for you all with kids with AHs or AWs. What do you tell the kids about the situation? Specially if they are really little?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
Question for you all with kids with AHs or AWs. What do you tell the kids about the situation? Specially if they are really little?
@D- I've found the lawyer/text/email only model for communication to be the most effective and least frustrating. I have proof that I informed him of x,y or z and he can do what he wants with the information. I used to try to be "friendly" with him, but that always ended badly, especially after he got married.
Of course he disappeared. He owes you money that he probably spent on a bender. I hardly heard from my ex at all for the first year after we left. Once he was court ordered to start paying child support it was a different story. He suddenly decided that doing the bare minimum paying cs made him Superdad.
I know you still have some loving feelings toward him, but those impulses are best suppressed. If it's any consolation, time and his behavior as this divorce proceeds will probably kill those off.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ugh. I am so sorry first of all. To see your children suffer is the worst thing ever, and stressful like nothing else. We hear you on this 100%.
I have watched my children lower their expectations of their father to...0%. They expect the worst behavior. They expect him not to be there for him. That's been really hard to watch, but it is what it is. I am glad they have realized he is what he is, and not to set the bar of what they expect too high, because they will NEVER get that. Ever. They are in counseling to deal with all of that, and that is a good thing for all of us.
Let the attorneys work out the money situation, and if he does not abide by it, go to an attorney. Is he depositing money directly into your account? That's pretty trusting on your part.
Tight hugs, I know it's hard.
I have watched my children lower their expectations of their father to...0%. They expect the worst behavior. They expect him not to be there for him. That's been really hard to watch, but it is what it is. I am glad they have realized he is what he is, and not to set the bar of what they expect too high, because they will NEVER get that. Ever. They are in counseling to deal with all of that, and that is a good thing for all of us.
Let the attorneys work out the money situation, and if he does not abide by it, go to an attorney. Is he depositing money directly into your account? That's pretty trusting on your part.
Tight hugs, I know it's hard.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
