I slipped up
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: South West England
Posts: 17
I slipped up
Hi everyone,
I'm a newcomer to this site. I first posted last Monday with my story. I have newly recognised that I have to stop drinking permanently. I didn't drink on Monday. On Tuesday I had two drinks. Then I didn't drink on Wednesday or Thursday. Then yesterday, Friday, I drank. I don't know what happened. I woke up feeling positive. I went for a run, ate healthily, did some chores - everything was going well. Then I got the urge as it was nearing evening, and instead of talking back to it and getting over it like I have been doing, I gave in to it. I woke up in the early hours of the morning with my heart thumping, unable to breathe. It was awful.
I feel so, so unhappy today, paralysed by regret and fear and self-hatred. In my first post I mentioned that I'd made an appointment with the local drug and alcohol service for an assessment, to see what help they could offer me. That was on Thursday. I went along, and I'm not going to take it forward because the groups I would need to go to are during the day when I work, and I didn't get a sense that this was the right approach for me. It seemed too generalised and hands-off; what I want is a close focus on alcoholism, somewhere where I can talk to other people one-to-one. I was disappointed to find that this isn't going to work for me. But, my next move is AA. There's an evening group on a Sunday (tomorrow) right by where I live. I've read up on the 12 steps and traditions and I think this might be more aligned to me as a person. So that's my plan B.
The man who assessed me at the drug and alcohol service this week was nice enough. At one point he said to me that if I keep drinking this way I will die, He said it so naturally and without malice, it was unexpected and I nearly burst into tears. I cried when I woke up this morning. I feel like I have so many problems I don't know where to begin. I don't truly know if I can become a whole, content, non-addicted person. I also smoke cigarettes which I know are causing me some damage now because sometimes I struggle to breathe when I'm lying in bed. My lungs feel crushed and I have to lie on my back to get air into them. I'm only 27
and yet I can't stop that either.
Then I worry that I will never be able to fix my personality. The thing that drives me to engage in addictive behaviours and habits. I've always been so nervous, oversensitive, worried, anxious, ever since I was a small kid. I've always been afraid of other people, like they're better than me. I have seriously low self-esteem. I don't believe in myself. What hurts me is that I had these feelings long before I ever started drinking. I guess the drinking changed this massive burden of a personality for me, even if only temporarily. It allowed me to feel good about myself, whilst giving me a break from the loneliness of my self-imposed isolation. I've tried therapy and antidepressants over the years, but here I am, still feeling the same. When I'm able to be reflective like I am being now, I can see that I have some long held and deep rooted beliefs that need to change. I need to learn to deal with these feelings of anxiety and painful sensitivity and low self-esteem and self hatred without alcohol. I just don't know where to begin.
This is a very sad/negative post - I'm sorry for that. Hope I haven't put a downer on anyone's day.
I'm a newcomer to this site. I first posted last Monday with my story. I have newly recognised that I have to stop drinking permanently. I didn't drink on Monday. On Tuesday I had two drinks. Then I didn't drink on Wednesday or Thursday. Then yesterday, Friday, I drank. I don't know what happened. I woke up feeling positive. I went for a run, ate healthily, did some chores - everything was going well. Then I got the urge as it was nearing evening, and instead of talking back to it and getting over it like I have been doing, I gave in to it. I woke up in the early hours of the morning with my heart thumping, unable to breathe. It was awful.
I feel so, so unhappy today, paralysed by regret and fear and self-hatred. In my first post I mentioned that I'd made an appointment with the local drug and alcohol service for an assessment, to see what help they could offer me. That was on Thursday. I went along, and I'm not going to take it forward because the groups I would need to go to are during the day when I work, and I didn't get a sense that this was the right approach for me. It seemed too generalised and hands-off; what I want is a close focus on alcoholism, somewhere where I can talk to other people one-to-one. I was disappointed to find that this isn't going to work for me. But, my next move is AA. There's an evening group on a Sunday (tomorrow) right by where I live. I've read up on the 12 steps and traditions and I think this might be more aligned to me as a person. So that's my plan B.
The man who assessed me at the drug and alcohol service this week was nice enough. At one point he said to me that if I keep drinking this way I will die, He said it so naturally and without malice, it was unexpected and I nearly burst into tears. I cried when I woke up this morning. I feel like I have so many problems I don't know where to begin. I don't truly know if I can become a whole, content, non-addicted person. I also smoke cigarettes which I know are causing me some damage now because sometimes I struggle to breathe when I'm lying in bed. My lungs feel crushed and I have to lie on my back to get air into them. I'm only 27
and yet I can't stop that either. Then I worry that I will never be able to fix my personality. The thing that drives me to engage in addictive behaviours and habits. I've always been so nervous, oversensitive, worried, anxious, ever since I was a small kid. I've always been afraid of other people, like they're better than me. I have seriously low self-esteem. I don't believe in myself. What hurts me is that I had these feelings long before I ever started drinking. I guess the drinking changed this massive burden of a personality for me, even if only temporarily. It allowed me to feel good about myself, whilst giving me a break from the loneliness of my self-imposed isolation. I've tried therapy and antidepressants over the years, but here I am, still feeling the same. When I'm able to be reflective like I am being now, I can see that I have some long held and deep rooted beliefs that need to change. I need to learn to deal with these feelings of anxiety and painful sensitivity and low self-esteem and self hatred without alcohol. I just don't know where to begin.
This is a very sad/negative post - I'm sorry for that. Hope I haven't put a downer on anyone's day.
You're not shackled to not drinking, you're free from drinking
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 1,406
Look, we've all been there. Getting and staying sober is easy in concept. It's not so easy to do. What do you have in place for when you get cravings to drink? Cravings usually don't last long but you need to have something to take your mind off them while they're there.
Don't try to solve all your issues at once. Take small bites at a time. Start by staying sober. The others will follow and more importantly you'll be able to work on them.
Don't try to solve all your issues at once. Take small bites at a time. Start by staying sober. The others will follow and more importantly you'll be able to work on them.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
Hello amber ,
sobriety is possible for all of us , i believe .
Sounds like you've got some good ideas as what to do , coming here , AA , I think the main thing is to not give upon yourself .
Sobriety is the friend of affirmative action , I had to do and be sober rather than "think" myself there .
A slip is horrible for you , i hope you don't let it drag you down and i hope you learn better ways than drinking when the same or similar situation happens again .
Try not to project into the future too much , i used to do that a lot . It's better to keep my horizon close in and try to make the next decision the right one .
Bestwishes, m
sobriety is possible for all of us , i believe .
Sounds like you've got some good ideas as what to do , coming here , AA , I think the main thing is to not give upon yourself .
Sobriety is the friend of affirmative action , I had to do and be sober rather than "think" myself there .
A slip is horrible for you , i hope you don't let it drag you down and i hope you learn better ways than drinking when the same or similar situation happens again .
Try not to project into the future too much , i used to do that a lot . It's better to keep my horizon close in and try to make the next decision the right one .
Bestwishes, m
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Somerset
Posts: 937
Hi Amber,
Don't be too hard on yourself.
Firstly you need to give yourself credit for acknowledging you have a problem. Secondly give yourself some credit for coming back here and posting again when many don't. If you don't manage to quit the booze in this moment, please do keep posting, something will click for you I'm sure.
I'm new to this so I can't give you the words of wisdom that some here can but I would say be careful that the barriers to action toward you getting sober are real and genuine and not those of your AV.
I would also say that your self esteem and confidence levels will shoot through the roof if you can put a few weeks of sobriety under your belt. You won't know yourself!
Good luck with AA, if you happen to hate it and it's "just not you" have a good think about who's voice it is telling you such.
Best wishes for you on your journey.
Don't be too hard on yourself.
Firstly you need to give yourself credit for acknowledging you have a problem. Secondly give yourself some credit for coming back here and posting again when many don't. If you don't manage to quit the booze in this moment, please do keep posting, something will click for you I'm sure.
I'm new to this so I can't give you the words of wisdom that some here can but I would say be careful that the barriers to action toward you getting sober are real and genuine and not those of your AV.
I would also say that your self esteem and confidence levels will shoot through the roof if you can put a few weeks of sobriety under your belt. You won't know yourself!
Good luck with AA, if you happen to hate it and it's "just not you" have a good think about who's voice it is telling you such.
Best wishes for you on your journey.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
I used to hate myself too, when I was drinking. Now that I'm sober that self loathing is gone and I wake up feeling good. 
I hope the support here and at AA can help you get sober for good. It takes time and effort but it's worth it.
I hope the support here and at AA can help you get sober for good. It takes time and effort but it's worth it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Have faith that you will be able to find and learn new healthy ways to deal with life and its stresses. And, I understand the overwhelming feeling of knowing that want/need to fix everything. Take it slow. Try to make a list each day of a few things you want to accomplish and then cross them off at the end of the day. You will feel that you are moving forward and it will help you to continue.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: South West England
Posts: 17
Thanks everyone. I'm looking forward to trying my first AA meeting tomorrow. It's been such a hard day. I've just been lying in bed. I have downloaded a couple of e-books to read - Living Sober and Don't Let The Bastards Grind You Down. Made a start on the latter. My sister came round and I cried to her. Just been feeling in absolute emotional turmoil. It's Saturday, about 5.30pm and this is prime time for me usually! I'd be at least a bottle down by now. Instead tonight I'm treating myself to a chocolate milkshake and a delicious dinner, and will continue reading. It feels hard tonight and I feel really emotional! But I'm hanging on!
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Originally Posted by amber1988 
I just don't know where to begin.
You've already taken some very positive action! You're working with services/been assessed and considering meetings.
It's the actions we take that ultimately determine the outcome - not the glorious, flowery words typed out for others to read.
I find SR and AA an extremely effective combination of support which is readily available.
Keep taking steps and you'll get there - it's the willingness that's get us rolling!
Keep coming back
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
amber, the first month of sobriety is pretty uncomfortable. I remember saying, "I'm so raw." I felt like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. Some days will be really good, though - so it isn't all down. It's just extreme and feels overwhelming sometimes. That's because I was numb to every emotion when I was drinking and suddenly they were all right there.
It gets better. Hang on, and know that what you are feeling is typical - AND you never have to feel like this again.
Keep writing and keep talking to us!
It gets better. Hang on, and know that what you are feeling is typical - AND you never have to feel like this again.
Keep writing and keep talking to us!
Adventurer
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Tuxedo Park, NY
Posts: 1,101
Glad your posting get and being honest and the counselor was right. Continue drinking and death awaits us, scary but it's true for you and me both. As said before take it one day at a time and start building some sober time. You will start feeling better and better the further and further you get away from booze. I failed this week after 11 months, I don't know what came over me but I do know that day of drinking brought me right back to how I felt last January and I hated it.
Sobriety is so much better but give it some time to blossom, protect it and keep it safe as your life depends on it.
Sobriety is so much better but give it some time to blossom, protect it and keep it safe as your life depends on it.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I am glad to see you have a plan in place. Two useful threads on SR which helped me tremendously when I first got sober are the 24 hours club where we commit daily not to drink and drug for the next 24 hours
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 92)
and joining a class so I could get peer support from people who quit at the same time I did. My class was Jan 2013, here is a link to the Dec 15 one for you
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Class of December 2015 Pt 2)
You can do it! We've got your back
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 92)
and joining a class so I could get peer support from people who quit at the same time I did. My class was Jan 2013, here is a link to the Dec 15 one for you
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Class of December 2015 Pt 2)
You can do it! We've got your back
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Australia
Posts: 323
I can honesty feel your pain.. I have felt the way you have described for years. Look I'm only day 2 sober but one thing I can tell you with all sincerity is that nothing will get better if you continue drinking. Clarity will only come with sobriety and you can start to address some of your issues. Be kind to yourself. At least try to be, first things first. One thing at a time.. Good luck my hearts with you. Sean Australia
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 1,518
Amber your post is not sad or negative .
Your here and asking for support like the rest of us .
Many of us have been where you are and understand what your going through.
Have you asked your GP to refer you for CBT which is excellent therapy for self esteem .
Wishing you well
Your here and asking for support like the rest of us .
Many of us have been where you are and understand what your going through.
Have you asked your GP to refer you for CBT which is excellent therapy for self esteem .
Wishing you well
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Don't beat yourself up Amber, the past is the past, we can't change it.
But we can rewrite the future, the next chapter in our lives.
One suggestion would be to reach out for more support before picking up that first drink, for me in isolation my addiction could run riot, whereas when I sought the second opinion of others it gave me added strength to keep pushing through to another day.
You can do this!!
But we can rewrite the future, the next chapter in our lives.
One suggestion would be to reach out for more support before picking up that first drink, for me in isolation my addiction could run riot, whereas when I sought the second opinion of others it gave me added strength to keep pushing through to another day.
You can do this!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
Amber, I'm glad you're here with us and willing to talk things over. We all understand, like no one else can. The early days are filled with confusion, anger, frustration - but everything gets better. You're doing great.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Hi Amber,
Maybe keep things simple for now? Don't worry about changing your personality, anxieties, or any of those long-term goals right now. Those goals are impossible to achieve by Day 2. Set manageable and realistic goals for yourself that you can achieve. Not drinking today would be a good start! That's a "win" for you if you pull it off. Good luck.
Maybe keep things simple for now? Don't worry about changing your personality, anxieties, or any of those long-term goals right now. Those goals are impossible to achieve by Day 2. Set manageable and realistic goals for yourself that you can achieve. Not drinking today would be a good start! That's a "win" for you if you pull it off. Good luck.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
