Diyana

Hi all, I'm new here and really need your support. My husband is an alcoholic and I'm really having hard time dealing with that. We've been married for 4 years now and have a huge age difference - 21 years apart. I met him in my country, we worked together and I fell in love. I really loved him and wanted us to be married. So, after he proposed I moved to US leaving all my family, friends and job behind. I saw he was drinking but thought it wasn't serious and foolishly hoped it'll change with me, even though he was divorced twice, now I understand why. I was really happy and full of hope. His drinking wasn't bad until maybe 2 years ago as it started to progress. Some days he would just drink beer and stay relatively sober, which I'm fine with, but at least 3-4 days a week he would go for hard liquor and this is what drives me crazy. He doesn't believe he has a problem and says he's fine, but can't go without over 3 days. He functions and goes to work every day, but on his way home he stops for a bottle of tequila and drinks it behind the wheel so by the time he's home I can tell the difference. He hides bottles from me and says he's fine, sometimes I find it unfinished and I pour it out.
The worst thing about it is that we had a baby a year ago and it totally change me and my life views. I don't want him to be drunk around our son and I can't stand him drunk myself anymore. Some days I would just ignore him, some days I get mad and start yelling in front of the baby, I know its bad but I can't stop myself. When he really makes me mad I take his credit cards so he can't buy alcohol, I know it doesn't help. We go to couples therapy but it doesnt really work well, he's been suggested a treatment but he's taking his time and I know he probably won't do anything about it. I can't count on his family in here, they are as dysfunctional as he is.
Lately, I've started kicking him out when he's drunk. Last Friday I told him to leave again and he did saying he wouldn't be back for a week, so here I'm am all alone at home with baby and nowhere to go and talk to, all my family and friends are in my motherland. In 2 days he hasn't called or texted so I take it as he doesn't really care even about his son. I'm contemplating divorce, even though I can't afford right now, I have a part time job promising to become a full time which I'm really praying for. Every day I'm thinking about leaving now. I know now its inevitable. My heart is broken. I've become a zombie under such stress, I don't eat know and feel like I'm losing weight. I feel extremely depressed and tired. Tomorrow I got to take son to daycare and go to work and embrace another day pretending that everything ok. I'm tired and cant take it anymore. I just want to be happy, to love and be loved and live a normal life again, am I asking for too much?

iamthird

The only way I ever could finally make sense of all the chaos in my marriage was to admit to myself the role I played in the chaos. You have a little baby to protect now. You must be strong for your child even if you feel like you cannot manage another hour...us mothers somehow can dig deep and be strong for our children.

I engaged a lot in this forum and went to Alanon. It is so painful but allow yourself to feel, so you can deal then heal. Praying for courage for you. And no, what you want is not too much to ask. You just need to decide how you are going to arrive at the things you want.

emilynghiem

Dear Diyana: the people I know who have been separate from their families like this do better by connecting with a local church or community of members from their homeland. This is an opportunity to connect with others, and share support. It is mutual gift, so please reach out and ask for help. In Houston, we have communities for all the nationalities: the Vietnamese stick together, the Nigerian, the Cuba and Guatemalan, etc. There may be a church counselor or pastor who might be able to talk with your husband as an ally, not an enemy, and try to help you save your marriage and family relations.

also where is HIS family? Can you reach out to them and ask support? Do they affiliate with a particular church, if so, please contact that group and ask for help. That is what churches are supposed to do, to help families who are going to suffer all kinds of setbacks which happen to the best of families. Please reach out locally, ask for help, and don't stop asking until you find the right people to connect with and help you and your husband.

Take care and don't be shy about asking for help. I know there are many nonprofits trying to help mothers with children. Try any of the women's centers or shelters that are experienced helping mothers in similar situations. Also any of the church and prolife groups often can refer mothers where to get help.

When you build a support team around you, you won't be so afraid of being isolated and vulnerable. This will take a lot of work, and nobody gets through these things alone. It takes a whole team, so ask around until you get the help and support you deserve. This isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility to get the right help so you can stabilize anyway.

Ask and you shall receive. Love always wins by conquering all fears, and opening the door to sharing and healing which is a stronger force. Forgiveness and faith in love to overcome is the key to opening that door and receiving all the blessings in store. I pray that more and more love comes your way, enters into your relationships to heal them, and dispels anything negative causing harm or ill will.

May love's perfect grace cast out all fear, and uplift you and everyone around you to the highest.

Diyana

Thanks for your support and advice. The thing is neither me or my husband are religious and we don't go to church, maybe this is something that we need to try.
I have a couple of Russian friends in here who I meet with every month and they're aware of my problems. I just don't want to involve them in the depths of my struggle.
His family, as I mentioned, probably wouldn't support my attempts to bring him to sobriety. In fact, I believe they are the root of his problems. His brother is an addict and his oldest son the same. Both live with elderly parents. Both screwed up their lives. Mom always has a drink ready for her son. Last time we were visiting them she took him to a separate room as if to have a private conversation, as I found out later they were taking shots hiding. They call me a controlling bitter b...., I just know. They believe I work my husband to death and don't let him drink and relax and enjoy life. They make jokes about me hiding bottles from him. They think its funny. At first when problems started I tried talking to her about her son, the reply was you're still young and deserve better so maybe if you don't like it you leave him. That's all, I never complained to her again.
Today is the 4th day he's missing, he said he'll be back in a week. He never called or answered my calls. I don't know where he is now and whats going on. Honestly I started feeling guilty and maybe its my fault. Maybe I pushed the limits that night, but at the same time I know it'll repeat if he doesn't change his ways because I have anger control issues and I can't do anything about it. I really try hard, sometimes it works and I just ignore him but that night I felt like I had to draw my border line and make him understand how hurtful it is. Now that I'm calm I know it didn't work, it made him only mad, so its like a vicious cycle we revolve in...

teatreeoil007

It sounds like you are really hurting and feel alone. A terrible combination. Good advice given already here. I don't have much to add except that you have support here and keep posting. You need this outlet right now, likely. Sending a hug to you and your little one!

Mango blast

Hi Diyana,

Welcome to SR. This is a safe place to be.

Keep posting, keep reading. Healing takes time. It does happen if we look for it!

Alanon is a wonderful place for healing from the effects of alcoholism.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-al-anon.html

Emotional abuse IS abuse. It's every bit as damaging as physical abuse.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tal-abuse.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oint-view.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...nal-abuse.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-anxiety.html

There is help. The hardest thing is learning how to reach out for it. Congratulations on taking an important step in self awareness and healing.

FeelingGreat

His family sound awful, but I've noticed that drunkenness is persona some people adopt and their families don't want them to change. I just couldn't deal with a MIL like that, rude and passive aggressive.
So he's abandoned you and presumably gone on a bender. How long can you live like this? You need some certainty in your life and even if you're doing all the work and caring, at least you won't be coping with him as well. That could take a burden off your shoulders.
A proper separation might be the best course, so you know where you stand. Have a look around and see if you can access some support from community organisations or government programs. At least you have the ability to earn.
You aren't physically close to your family, but you can Skype and email them, so make sure you get plenty of emotional support from them.