Married to HFA with 2 kids
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 5
Married to HFA with 2 kids
(I posted this in the Newcomers Forum, and it was suggested I post here).
Hi all,
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have 2 children (3 years, and 2 years old). He is a very hard worker, we are financially comfortable, and I am currently a stay-at-home mom.
About 2 weeks ago, I found 2 bottles of vodka (one empty) hidden behind the coils of our deep freezer in the basement. This is the second time this has happened, although he has unsurprisingly changed his drink from whiskey to vodka.
When I caught him drinking secretly the first time, I was relieved to know that I wasn't crazy. He had appeared drunk sometimes, but his consumption never seemed to match how he appeared or presented himself. When I confronted him, he admitted to drinking way too much and often feeling hungover in the morning. I guess that he was secretly consuming at least 2 fifths/week on top of 2 strong drinks and maybe a beer or two every night. He stopped drinking altogether for a few weeks, but then started drinking craft beers -- no liquor -- only in the evening or on days off. Since then, things between us have been okay, but having 2 small children and a husband whom you struggle to trust is not easy. He has never been physically abusive, but he is often irritable, sometimes angry, and is often detached and uninterested in our marriage and kids.
Fast forward 2.5 years... I had been smelling liquor on him for the past few months. Every time I asked him about it, he told me I was imagining things, and that he was only drinking 1-2 beers a night. I finally found his stash, quite by accident, and he admitted to drinking secretly. Of course he told me that he only drank a sip or two each night (I don't know how much he had been drinking, as I didn't want to monitor him again). He said that he only did it to manage the stress he feels from work, and that he hid it because he knew I wouldn't approve. I asked him to stop drinking, and told him that I needed time to think about things before we could talk about this again.
A few days later, I told him that I would like to see a counselor for myself to better understand the situation. He flew off the handle. He told me that he would not let me spend any money on therapy. If I wanted I could go to Al-Anon, but there I would see how lucky I was that he is nothing like a true alcoholic. He said that he had gone to AA meetings in the past (at the request of his first wife), and that he didn't belong with people like that. He told me that he would never go to marriage counseling either -- "he's been there before and he knows what a crock it is".
I did go to the counselor (specialist in substance abuse). After hearing my situation, he guessed that my husband is a moderate to severe alcoholic. I came home feeling a little more knowledgable, but still very scared and unsure of how to handle this.
I spoke to my husband and set some boundaries: no drinking; work on trust through spending more quality time together; more family time; releasing stress through positive outlets like exercise/hunting/fishing; budgeting together (I handle our finances, and he's always been suspicious that I spend too much).
He agreed to all of those things, but told me that I was overreacting about his drinking. I think he has an addiction, but he calls it a "habit". He also told me that we need to talk before I go to any more counseling, and that I shouldn't spend any more money on it. He still would never go with me, he said.
Has anyone been here before? If this is denial, how did you get through this? I'm obviously terrified of this ruining our family, but I don't want my children to grow up with an angry and depressed alcoholic father who refused to change, and I don't want to be married to one either.
Thanks.
Hi all,
My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have 2 children (3 years, and 2 years old). He is a very hard worker, we are financially comfortable, and I am currently a stay-at-home mom.
About 2 weeks ago, I found 2 bottles of vodka (one empty) hidden behind the coils of our deep freezer in the basement. This is the second time this has happened, although he has unsurprisingly changed his drink from whiskey to vodka.
When I caught him drinking secretly the first time, I was relieved to know that I wasn't crazy. He had appeared drunk sometimes, but his consumption never seemed to match how he appeared or presented himself. When I confronted him, he admitted to drinking way too much and often feeling hungover in the morning. I guess that he was secretly consuming at least 2 fifths/week on top of 2 strong drinks and maybe a beer or two every night. He stopped drinking altogether for a few weeks, but then started drinking craft beers -- no liquor -- only in the evening or on days off. Since then, things between us have been okay, but having 2 small children and a husband whom you struggle to trust is not easy. He has never been physically abusive, but he is often irritable, sometimes angry, and is often detached and uninterested in our marriage and kids.
Fast forward 2.5 years... I had been smelling liquor on him for the past few months. Every time I asked him about it, he told me I was imagining things, and that he was only drinking 1-2 beers a night. I finally found his stash, quite by accident, and he admitted to drinking secretly. Of course he told me that he only drank a sip or two each night (I don't know how much he had been drinking, as I didn't want to monitor him again). He said that he only did it to manage the stress he feels from work, and that he hid it because he knew I wouldn't approve. I asked him to stop drinking, and told him that I needed time to think about things before we could talk about this again.
A few days later, I told him that I would like to see a counselor for myself to better understand the situation. He flew off the handle. He told me that he would not let me spend any money on therapy. If I wanted I could go to Al-Anon, but there I would see how lucky I was that he is nothing like a true alcoholic. He said that he had gone to AA meetings in the past (at the request of his first wife), and that he didn't belong with people like that. He told me that he would never go to marriage counseling either -- "he's been there before and he knows what a crock it is".
I did go to the counselor (specialist in substance abuse). After hearing my situation, he guessed that my husband is a moderate to severe alcoholic. I came home feeling a little more knowledgable, but still very scared and unsure of how to handle this.
I spoke to my husband and set some boundaries: no drinking; work on trust through spending more quality time together; more family time; releasing stress through positive outlets like exercise/hunting/fishing; budgeting together (I handle our finances, and he's always been suspicious that I spend too much).
He agreed to all of those things, but told me that I was overreacting about his drinking. I think he has an addiction, but he calls it a "habit". He also told me that we need to talk before I go to any more counseling, and that I shouldn't spend any more money on it. He still would never go with me, he said.
Has anyone been here before? If this is denial, how did you get through this? I'm obviously terrified of this ruining our family, but I don't want my children to grow up with an angry and depressed alcoholic father who refused to change, and I don't want to be married to one either.
Thanks.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome.
First, a word about boundaries. These are not boundaries: "no drinking; work on trust through spending more quality time together; more family time; releasing stress through positive outlets like exercise/hunting/fishing; budgeting together (I handle our finances, and he's always been suspicious that I spend too much)." These are RULES--for him. Boundaries are things that YOU do to protect yourself from the effects of someone else's behavior. A boundary would be, "I'm not going to listen to verbal abuse--if he starts to verbally abuse me I will leave the room." You don't even have to tell someone what the boundary is, you just do it.
The "rules" you have laid down for him will not solve your problem (or his). How do you "work on trust" when someone is lying to you? And he WILL lie, for the exact reason he told you--he needs to drink and he wants to avoid your anger. Every alcoholic lies about drinking. And seriously--you want to encourage an alcoholic to go hunting?? Booze and guns are a very bad combination.
I'd guess that your counselor has made a pretty accurate assessment of your husband's condition. You refer to him as "high functioning" but that's only a stage, not a type of alcoholism. It IS progressive and it WILL get worse.
My suggestion is that you go to Al-Anon, as your husband was kind enough to suggest. It will help you clear your head and get the focus off his crazy and onto your own crazy. And that isn't a criticism--everyone who lives with active alcoholism gets a little crazy as a result. Things will become clearer and you can start making some better choices for yourself and your kids. Growing up in an alcoholic home is TERRIBLE for kids.
First, a word about boundaries. These are not boundaries: "no drinking; work on trust through spending more quality time together; more family time; releasing stress through positive outlets like exercise/hunting/fishing; budgeting together (I handle our finances, and he's always been suspicious that I spend too much)." These are RULES--for him. Boundaries are things that YOU do to protect yourself from the effects of someone else's behavior. A boundary would be, "I'm not going to listen to verbal abuse--if he starts to verbally abuse me I will leave the room." You don't even have to tell someone what the boundary is, you just do it.
The "rules" you have laid down for him will not solve your problem (or his). How do you "work on trust" when someone is lying to you? And he WILL lie, for the exact reason he told you--he needs to drink and he wants to avoid your anger. Every alcoholic lies about drinking. And seriously--you want to encourage an alcoholic to go hunting?? Booze and guns are a very bad combination.
I'd guess that your counselor has made a pretty accurate assessment of your husband's condition. You refer to him as "high functioning" but that's only a stage, not a type of alcoholism. It IS progressive and it WILL get worse.
My suggestion is that you go to Al-Anon, as your husband was kind enough to suggest. It will help you clear your head and get the focus off his crazy and onto your own crazy. And that isn't a criticism--everyone who lives with active alcoholism gets a little crazy as a result. Things will become clearer and you can start making some better choices for yourself and your kids. Growing up in an alcoholic home is TERRIBLE for kids.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I spent a lot of time and energy trying to get my ex out of denial so he could address his alcoholism. It was fruitless, thankless an crazymaking for both of us, but especially for me. He didn't have a problem with how much he drank or how it influenced his behavior or impacted the family. I had a problem with those things.
It sounds like he's been down this road before with his ex wife. It also sounds like he's nowhere near ready to quit.
He actually made a great suggestion about the Alanon meetings. Funny, but true. You can't make him have an epiphany or break through his denial, but you can start helping yourself and focusing on your wellbeing and that of your children. Alanon meetings have been a terrific support system for me. Welcome and thanks for posting.
It sounds like he's been down this road before with his ex wife. It also sounds like he's nowhere near ready to quit.
He actually made a great suggestion about the Alanon meetings. Funny, but true. You can't make him have an epiphany or break through his denial, but you can start helping yourself and focusing on your wellbeing and that of your children. Alanon meetings have been a terrific support system for me. Welcome and thanks for posting.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I don't think it's denial - quite the opposite. I think he's VERY aware that he has a problem but is grasping at anything to try to keep you from realizing it fully. (and it sounds like he has a lot of practice!) Normal drinkers do not hide alcohol, it's a non-issue for them. His actions, his deflection, his declarations about "those" people, etc - classic behavior. Whatever drinking he admits to, triple it & you're probably getting close to the truth of how much he's actually drinking. The Universal Answer to this question is: I only had 2. EVERY alcoholic here will tell that was their standard answer to every alcohol related inquiry. A couple, just 2, never more than 3.
I'm sorry you find yourself here, but SR can be an amazing resource for you. Do you know much about addiction or alcoholism at all? Not the general stuff, but have you ever really read about it's progression, the degradation on the neurological system, the increase in associated behaviors & loss of control over the "habit" (semantics, btw), etc? Educating yourself about what you're REALLY facing is #1 priority in my thinking; many of us thought we knew a lot about this until we were face to face with it in real life.
In addition to the great advice already given I'd suggest going through the sticky threads posted at the top of this forum, they are like our Greatest Hits & contain a wealth of info!
I'm sorry you find yourself here, but SR can be an amazing resource for you. Do you know much about addiction or alcoholism at all? Not the general stuff, but have you ever really read about it's progression, the degradation on the neurological system, the increase in associated behaviors & loss of control over the "habit" (semantics, btw), etc? Educating yourself about what you're REALLY facing is #1 priority in my thinking; many of us thought we knew a lot about this until we were face to face with it in real life.
In addition to the great advice already given I'd suggest going through the sticky threads posted at the top of this forum, they are like our Greatest Hits & contain a wealth of info!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I reread an old email I wrote the other day, about how I wrestled my XAH to the ground and drove him to rehab. It didn't work. None of my talking, spying, begging, or cajoling ended up working.
There is a learning curve to all of this, but I suspect you'll quickly find that this is much bigger than something you two can control between you. With two small children and you dependent on his income, I'll tell you the best of my experience:
- See a lawyer for a free consult so you know what your options look like. This is not to plan anything necessarily, but knowledge is empowerment when you're with someone who is working you over.
- This is a progressive disease. What is HFA today is LFA tomorrow. Proceed accordingly.
- Boundaries are for you, they're not about him. They're about what you will accept in your relationships. By the end of my marriage, my boundaries were things like, "I do not want to be with a partner that does not contribute financially to the partnership." Or, "I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who lies to me." Or, "I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who drinks or uses drugs to cope with life."
- My children's exposure to his erratic behavior and moods became untenable, and his alcoholism became a safety issue for us. This was the eventual deal breaker for me. It meant becoming a single parent when my daughter was one year old. I have a child from another relationship that was devastated when our marriage ended. It was painful but necessary.
- Keep a log of your incidents with him. Do it here, by posting regularly, or start keeping a private Word document. It will help you when you feel mind-f*cked, and it will help you should you ever come to divorce. ***** This is the most important thing I did, hands down. It felt slimy when I started it, but it was the most important thing I had in my hand when the divorce eventually happened to protect my very young daughter.*****
There is a learning curve to all of this, but I suspect you'll quickly find that this is much bigger than something you two can control between you. With two small children and you dependent on his income, I'll tell you the best of my experience:
- See a lawyer for a free consult so you know what your options look like. This is not to plan anything necessarily, but knowledge is empowerment when you're with someone who is working you over.
- This is a progressive disease. What is HFA today is LFA tomorrow. Proceed accordingly.
- Boundaries are for you, they're not about him. They're about what you will accept in your relationships. By the end of my marriage, my boundaries were things like, "I do not want to be with a partner that does not contribute financially to the partnership." Or, "I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who lies to me." Or, "I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who drinks or uses drugs to cope with life."
- My children's exposure to his erratic behavior and moods became untenable, and his alcoholism became a safety issue for us. This was the eventual deal breaker for me. It meant becoming a single parent when my daughter was one year old. I have a child from another relationship that was devastated when our marriage ended. It was painful but necessary.
- Keep a log of your incidents with him. Do it here, by posting regularly, or start keeping a private Word document. It will help you when you feel mind-f*cked, and it will help you should you ever come to divorce. ***** This is the most important thing I did, hands down. It felt slimy when I started it, but it was the most important thing I had in my hand when the divorce eventually happened to protect my very young daughter.*****
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Another big resource was SR. I spent a lot of time reading and writing here, to help me process what was happening to him and to me. I highly recommend using this board as a resource. It's an extremely active site, and you can get personal feedback almost immediately on any subject you come up with.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
LOL, Florence, I think you better re-post that super-secret strategy that's so wonderful/terrible it got asterisked-out. (The board is sometimes a little funky when it comes to blocking out perfectly normal words--the last one that got me was pass.port--as one word it gets asterisked out, WTF???)
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I'm so sorry for what has brought you here. I remember that horrible feeling when I started to realize just how bad things were.
I really want to second what Florence said about seeing a lawyer and trying to determine your best options to protect yourself and your family. With my loved one, the time from HFA to LFA (lost job due to drinking on the job) to being on death's doorstep was less than a year. It was shockingly fast.
Please take care of yourself.
I really want to second what Florence said about seeing a lawyer and trying to determine your best options to protect yourself and your family. With my loved one, the time from HFA to LFA (lost job due to drinking on the job) to being on death's doorstep was less than a year. It was shockingly fast.
Please take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I'm so sorry you are here-but rest assured there is not a better place to be with an alcoholic partner....we ALL understand. Alcoholism is progressive-up close and personal I got to see the destruction as it slowly progressed with my ex-who I still love very much-until I could handle no more. I couldn't handle any more lies in my marriage, I couldn't handle not being able to trust him (I couldn't and still can't), I couldn't handle wanting to be intimate with him and him being sloppy drunk and feeling like a prostitute some nights, I couldn't handle the tears coming from my daughters eyes over and over again bc she was terrified and would hide under her bed, I couldn't handle one more excuse, and I couldn't handle me - which is what drove me to seek help-I was a mess, awful mess, and had plenty to clean up on my side of the street. You have two young innocent kids that only have one childhood-please protect them (regardless of whether you stay or go). They will bear the scars forever....I can say this as a child of an alcoholic and as a mother to two beautiful girls-the oldest of which has dealt with things no child should ever witness or be told or hear. Walking away, and staying away, from my husband was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life-and always will be. But it was also the easiest bc I had to save myself, and our girls, from someone hellbent on not being accountable for anything and not willing to change - bc it's easier to blame me rather than look in the mirror. My ex loved me too-he did, I never questioned that...but his love was marred by his demons that he would not come to terms with. It sounds like your husband has already lost a marriage due to drinking (whether he acknowledges that or not)....so he's pretty far down the road of alcoholism. I will absolutely pray he wakes up....I'll pray hard tonight....bc I'm sick and tired of hearing about families torn apart by this awful disease.
I wish you peace tonight
please keep coming back!
I wish you peace tonight
please keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 56
3 years ago I could have written a post very similar to yours. Best thing I did was focus on myself. I started al anon, then counseling, went back to work and started researching alcoholism. Under the Influence and Getting Them Sober are 2 great books.
My husband also claimed he had a habit. His "habit" quite suddenly progressed. It was like he fell off a cliff. He lost his career, I had to sell our home, we separated and he recently died of cirrhosis. His habit became a living hell and ended tragically. My advice to anyone in this situation is hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
My husband also claimed he had a habit. His "habit" quite suddenly progressed. It was like he fell off a cliff. He lost his career, I had to sell our home, we separated and he recently died of cirrhosis. His habit became a living hell and ended tragically. My advice to anyone in this situation is hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 5
Hi all,
Thanks so much for your input. I'm definitely going to start doing a lot of reading and writing. I think that keeping a journal of incidents is an excellent idea. I'll also look into seeing a divorce attorney. As you wrote, knowing what my options are will give me some peace of mind. I'm definitely lacking that. I'll have to check out Al-Anon as well. I mistakenly wrote that he brought up me attending meetings there. It wasn't his initial suggestion, I'd mentioned it to him first, and he said he'd prefer that I went there for free instead of paying for private counseling. Either way, I think it's a good idea.
My challenge here is with my friends and family (I've only told a few people in my circle) who have rarely seen him drunk. He's never appeared to be out of control, just appeared to be really buzzed. They feel that as he's never been physically abusive, and because he is so high-functioning, he must not really have a problem. It's hard to trust my gut when I get their opinions.
Bottom line is that I need to take some time to research, get support, provide a safe and happy home for my kids, and try working on our marriage. My brother wants to talk to him about marriage counseling. If we can work on that, hopefully that will provide some help. And if it doesn't, then at least we can say that we tried before we say it's over.
I'm so sorry to hear about many of your experiences. I'm scared of what our future may be. I hope that he will be willing to seek help for himself and be willing to work on our marriage. In the meantime, I'll be reading here. I truly appreciate the support.
Thanks.
Thanks so much for your input. I'm definitely going to start doing a lot of reading and writing. I think that keeping a journal of incidents is an excellent idea. I'll also look into seeing a divorce attorney. As you wrote, knowing what my options are will give me some peace of mind. I'm definitely lacking that. I'll have to check out Al-Anon as well. I mistakenly wrote that he brought up me attending meetings there. It wasn't his initial suggestion, I'd mentioned it to him first, and he said he'd prefer that I went there for free instead of paying for private counseling. Either way, I think it's a good idea.
My challenge here is with my friends and family (I've only told a few people in my circle) who have rarely seen him drunk. He's never appeared to be out of control, just appeared to be really buzzed. They feel that as he's never been physically abusive, and because he is so high-functioning, he must not really have a problem. It's hard to trust my gut when I get their opinions.
Bottom line is that I need to take some time to research, get support, provide a safe and happy home for my kids, and try working on our marriage. My brother wants to talk to him about marriage counseling. If we can work on that, hopefully that will provide some help. And if it doesn't, then at least we can say that we tried before we say it's over.
I'm so sorry to hear about many of your experiences. I'm scared of what our future may be. I hope that he will be willing to seek help for himself and be willing to work on our marriage. In the meantime, I'll be reading here. I truly appreciate the support.
Thanks.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
In my experience, marriage counseling with an alcoholic is a waste of time and money. Alcoholics will use the counseling setting to try to manipulate you and the counselor so all of the problems are your fault, or the fault of outside factors, and nothing is attributable to the drinking.
And I wouldn't expect support from people who have never lived with alcoholism. They don't get it. It's one more reason you will benefit from Al-Anon.
And I wouldn't expect support from people who have never lived with alcoholism. They don't get it. It's one more reason you will benefit from Al-Anon.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^^ absolutely agree. I don't know how much money my ex and I spent on marriage counseling that was an absolute waste of money. And everything you stated did happen-he tried to manipulate the counselor and then would get drunk and tell me even the counselor knew I had major problems and thought something was wrong with me. Yep. Going to see an attorney almost three years ago and being advised of my rights was the best thing I spent money on.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Fourourgirls.... Amen!! to what you said above. There is not one word i would have changed. They are all alike, same script, different actors!!
BG- The problem with our A's is that they love alcohol more then us. You are the 3rd man in this relationship. They will always choose "them" over us. Keep reading and educating yourself. I also spent a "lot" of money on "marriage" counseling. When you are dealing with an addict there is nothing normal about it. So expecting a normal relationship with a normal person, just isn't possible. It took me a long time to comprehend that I wanted normal from a "non" normal person. (not possible) hugs my friend, take care of you and your kids. If he follows along wonderful, if not you will help yourself!!
BG- The problem with our A's is that they love alcohol more then us. You are the 3rd man in this relationship. They will always choose "them" over us. Keep reading and educating yourself. I also spent a "lot" of money on "marriage" counseling. When you are dealing with an addict there is nothing normal about it. So expecting a normal relationship with a normal person, just isn't possible. It took me a long time to comprehend that I wanted normal from a "non" normal person. (not possible) hugs my friend, take care of you and your kids. If he follows along wonderful, if not you will help yourself!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
I was where you are just a few years ago. I was married to a HFA with two small kids. I also suddenly discovered my AH hiding alcohol and discovered he was an alcoholic. He was never angry, abusive, missed a day of work etc. He is a well respected health care professional. He would have 2 drinks every night and said he used it to "unwind from work". At get together's, he was the life of the party and no one around us would have ever thought he had a problem. But he did and still does. Things just weren't right in our marriage something was "off". He was emotionally unavailable and not participating much in mine or the kids activities. When I found the hidden alcohol, a lightbulb went off. I started reading and learning more about the disease. This is why things aren't right. He is an alcoholic. Normal people (non-alcoholics) do not hide alcohol. He's hiding it because he knows its a problem.
High functioning is just a stage of alcoholism and alcoholism is not defined by the verbally abusive, homeless street drunk we all picture. I confronted him but he too denied it. Not a problem, doesn't need AA, doesn't need counseling, he'll do better, cut back...yadayadayada. You will learn that is called quacking. Then begins the cycles. I confront him, he does better,spends more time with us and cuts back on drinking for a bit and then over time progresses right back to where we started or worse. This occurred multiple times over the next few years until I finally followed through on my ultimatum and divorced him. I gave him every opportunity to change but he was not ready and likely never will be.
His high functioning progressed to less and less functioning. He eventually lost his job and was unemployed for 1 & 1/2 years. My kids started suffering the effects of our dysfunctional household. I found he was hiding beer in cups while driving them, drinking at their sports games and activities. When I began telling my close family and friend about his drinking they started seeing the signs too.
So yes, I' ve been there. I am happily divorced now. My life is peaceful and me and my ex A are happily co-parenting our kids. The divorce has forced him to step up and be that other parent when he has the kids. He still drinks but I no longer suffer the effects of his drinking.
High functioning is just a stage of alcoholism and alcoholism is not defined by the verbally abusive, homeless street drunk we all picture. I confronted him but he too denied it. Not a problem, doesn't need AA, doesn't need counseling, he'll do better, cut back...yadayadayada. You will learn that is called quacking. Then begins the cycles. I confront him, he does better,spends more time with us and cuts back on drinking for a bit and then over time progresses right back to where we started or worse. This occurred multiple times over the next few years until I finally followed through on my ultimatum and divorced him. I gave him every opportunity to change but he was not ready and likely never will be.
His high functioning progressed to less and less functioning. He eventually lost his job and was unemployed for 1 & 1/2 years. My kids started suffering the effects of our dysfunctional household. I found he was hiding beer in cups while driving them, drinking at their sports games and activities. When I began telling my close family and friend about his drinking they started seeing the signs too.
So yes, I' ve been there. I am happily divorced now. My life is peaceful and me and my ex A are happily co-parenting our kids. The divorce has forced him to step up and be that other parent when he has the kids. He still drinks but I no longer suffer the effects of his drinking.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
First off, I'm so sorry for what is happening in your family. It is terribly devastating. I began reading the first couple of wise responses, and I know the rest are too, but there is one thing I want to suggest in all of this that is strictly for you and your kiddos -- start planning a career. If he gets help and finds his way to recovery, AWESOME!! You'll have a side career that will help the household if ever needed. However, if things only progress worse and worse, which they will if he doesn't seek help, you will be the one supporting your family. I say this because that is the boat I find myself in and it's terrifying after being a stay-at-home home schooling mother of 4 for 20+ years. Your story sounds SO MUCH like mine; I could have written your words.
Again, if he refuses to get the help he needs, then you put your head into doing what you need to to take care of you and the kids. My head never went there and I so regret it and now I'm starting from scratch at age 43. It sucks.
Again, if he refuses to get the help he needs, then you put your head into doing what you need to to take care of you and the kids. My head never went there and I so regret it and now I'm starting from scratch at age 43. It sucks.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
They feel that as he's never been physically abusive, and because he is so high-functioning, he must not really have a problem. It's hard to trust my gut when I get their opinions. Clearly your friends have not lived with an alcoholic. That is why they are advising you the way they are. Suggest stop discussing with them.
. My brother wants to talk to him about marriage counseling. No point in counseling with an active alcoholic. Honestly if you, his wife, can't get him to go how is your brother going to. I wonder why he is so opposed to counseling even just for you??? I have a guess why..........
There really is no point in telling him not to drink. I get where you are coming from, but here's a couple of points. We all (most likely) have attempted to curb the drinking - it will not work. If it did there wouldn't be alcoholics. He won't quit drinking because you tell him to, he will just become more devious about drinking. When that gets tiresome he will tell you to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. Always remember that alcoholism is a disease of denial - once you really get that concept understanding it becomes a little easier.
It sounds like your husband has a many years problem with alcohol. The suggestions here have been great ones inclusive of his suggesting you go to Al Anon.
. My brother wants to talk to him about marriage counseling. No point in counseling with an active alcoholic. Honestly if you, his wife, can't get him to go how is your brother going to. I wonder why he is so opposed to counseling even just for you??? I have a guess why..........
There really is no point in telling him not to drink. I get where you are coming from, but here's a couple of points. We all (most likely) have attempted to curb the drinking - it will not work. If it did there wouldn't be alcoholics. He won't quit drinking because you tell him to, he will just become more devious about drinking. When that gets tiresome he will tell you to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. Always remember that alcoholism is a disease of denial - once you really get that concept understanding it becomes a little easier.
It sounds like your husband has a many years problem with alcohol. The suggestions here have been great ones inclusive of his suggesting you go to Al Anon.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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BeenGrand....Yes, I also, agree with the suggestions to seek out alanon. It will give you some validation, plus some safe space for you to think and become more clear within your own self---among those who have walked in your shoes.
My other suggestions are....google Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. Read his articles that apply to you. They helped my understanding profoundly.
Also....go to the stickies at the top of this main page. Select the one called "Classic Readings" and scroll down to the one titled: "10 ways to k now when your addict or alcoholic is full of crap". That should offer you a good "yard stick".
dandylion
My other suggestions are....google Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. Read his articles that apply to you. They helped my understanding profoundly.
Also....go to the stickies at the top of this main page. Select the one called "Classic Readings" and scroll down to the one titled: "10 ways to k now when your addict or alcoholic is full of crap". That should offer you a good "yard stick".
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 5
Hi all,
Thanks (belatedly) for so many supportive responses and the great words of advice. I'm thankful that I do have a career that I can fall back on if need be -- I'm a teacher by trade, but we opted for me to stay at home until kids were school age. Depending on how things go this year, I may go back to work sooner. I'm prepared to make that jump back into the work force so that I can have financial independence. He often uses his pay check as a power trip with me, so I won't miss that.
He's stopped drinking since Labor Day. I know this will probably not last -- the same thing happened last time I discovered his stash. In the meantime, I'm reading up as much as I can about alcoholism, recovery, and codependency, and going to Alanon this week. I have a lot to learn, and I'm trying to educate myself in the little spare time that I have.
I'm frustrated with him right now, though. We'd come up with some things to work on in order to help build more trust (for me/us), and some supportive things I could do to help him when he's feeling pulled to drink (for him/us). I feel like he is pretending that everything is fine, and not putting forth any effort in what I'd suggested. I get so tired of being the "nag", that I don't want to bring it up every week. Did I say that I was TIRED? Man, thinking about this constantly and trying to hold it all together is exhausting.
I'm also walking as much as I can, and making sure that I spend a lot of quality time with our kids. I feel that they have been getting neglected by him lately as he's been withdrawn and disengaged. I just feel like they need as much love as possible in light of what's going on. The biggest struggle I have is finding time to do things for myself - i.e. Alanon. He does not support paying for a babysitter, and does not want to be responsible for the kids for me to do "me" time. Luckily my mom is in town, and willing to help.
One question I have for you: how or when did you tell your family about your spouse's addiction (if they weren't obvious)? I've told my parents that we are having serious problems, but they do not know any more than that. For one, I don't want to create a stigma towards my husband when things aren't completely on the rocks with us, however, it's hard to skirt around the issues. They know that something big is wrong. Also, my mom is a night-time drinker (1-2 bottles of wine per night), so I feel uncomfortable about bringing up his drinking problem when she has one, too.
Thanks.
Thanks (belatedly) for so many supportive responses and the great words of advice. I'm thankful that I do have a career that I can fall back on if need be -- I'm a teacher by trade, but we opted for me to stay at home until kids were school age. Depending on how things go this year, I may go back to work sooner. I'm prepared to make that jump back into the work force so that I can have financial independence. He often uses his pay check as a power trip with me, so I won't miss that.
He's stopped drinking since Labor Day. I know this will probably not last -- the same thing happened last time I discovered his stash. In the meantime, I'm reading up as much as I can about alcoholism, recovery, and codependency, and going to Alanon this week. I have a lot to learn, and I'm trying to educate myself in the little spare time that I have.
I'm frustrated with him right now, though. We'd come up with some things to work on in order to help build more trust (for me/us), and some supportive things I could do to help him when he's feeling pulled to drink (for him/us). I feel like he is pretending that everything is fine, and not putting forth any effort in what I'd suggested. I get so tired of being the "nag", that I don't want to bring it up every week. Did I say that I was TIRED? Man, thinking about this constantly and trying to hold it all together is exhausting.
I'm also walking as much as I can, and making sure that I spend a lot of quality time with our kids. I feel that they have been getting neglected by him lately as he's been withdrawn and disengaged. I just feel like they need as much love as possible in light of what's going on. The biggest struggle I have is finding time to do things for myself - i.e. Alanon. He does not support paying for a babysitter, and does not want to be responsible for the kids for me to do "me" time. Luckily my mom is in town, and willing to help.
One question I have for you: how or when did you tell your family about your spouse's addiction (if they weren't obvious)? I've told my parents that we are having serious problems, but they do not know any more than that. For one, I don't want to create a stigma towards my husband when things aren't completely on the rocks with us, however, it's hard to skirt around the issues. They know that something big is wrong. Also, my mom is a night-time drinker (1-2 bottles of wine per night), so I feel uncomfortable about bringing up his drinking problem when she has one, too.
Thanks.
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