Jeni26

Sometimes I feel like I'm getting there, but at other times it feels like every bit of my being is caught up in his alcoholism. If he's sober, I'm happy. If he's drunk I'm fearful and miserable.

It can all change in an instant. The minute I smell alcohol on his breath my heart is in my mouth.

When I'm away from him, I am reasonable and accepting of where I need to be. When I chat to others from AlAnon or when I'm in a meeting, I totally get it. I know in my head that neither my happiness nor my sobriety are dependent on another human being. I have a faith in God, and know that if I'm fearful then I'm lacking in that basic faith that He has got this, and I need to hand it over.

Why then...knowing all this with my head, does it still not reach my heart? I still want to save him, I still get terribly hurt by his choosing alcohol over me time and time again.

Letting go feels like I'm having to stop caring, and in practice, I just can't do it. I don't want to let him go. We've been married nearly 25 years. I am him and he is me.

I'm feeling sick and sad and demoralised. How can they all laugh and be so strong at AlAnon meetings?
I'm not very good at all this.

ladyscribbler

(((Jeni))) I think you're doing fine. Keep coming back.

Sasha4

Give it time Jeni.

How you feel now will not be how you feel in a month, 6 months or a year.

You didn't get where you are in your recovery overnight. Or even a couple of days or weeks.

It will take time to learn how to deal with this. To cope. To live with it. To move forward.

I think of some of the hard times I have been through in the last 2 years - relationships, redundancy, health - and I remember thinking 'I will never get through this. I will never feel better'.

But I did get better. I did get through it. The days got easier. I slept better at night. I had more good days than bad days.

Just look after yourself first and I am sure the rest will come in time.

Wishing you the best xx

chicory

Jeni, I guess when you love someone so much, hope is the last thing to go.

hugs~I understand.

chicory

SparkleKitty

Jeni it is so tempting to personalize someone else's addiction, but he is not choosing alcohol over you. He is addicted to alcohol and isn't able to fight that addiction right now. As difficult it is to accept, it does not have anything to do with you. Accepting that, however, will be the first step in setting yourself free.

maia1234

Jeni, I am so sorry!! We all understand your pain. I just divorced my A after celebrating my 26 year anniversary, 34 years together. Nearly killed me. No one says you have to stop loving this person. You have to love them from a distance!!

I know it will be hard to do, but you can't continue to stay with a man that is killing himself. You had to do something different. I get it!! I feel your pain, as I feel mine everyday. He was never going to change while you were together, so what do you have to lose.

Hugs my friend, life is better, but I still miss him 9 months after the divorce and that's ok. :-(

Jeni26

Thank you for your support. I think this is going to be a long difficult journey for me, but as long as I keep the focus on myself and not him, I hope to be able to make my peace with it all

honeypig

"Letting go feels like I'm having to stop caring, and in practice, I just can't do it. I don't want to let him go. We've been married nearly 25 years. I am him and he is me."

Jeni, I have my own issues w/abandonment and thus it's very hard for me to do what I perceive as "abandonment" of someone else. Here's a quote from another SR member that I found helpful:

"Abandon" is used when you walk away from someone you are responsible for, someone weaker and unable to care for themselves, like a dog or a child.

"Leave" is the word we use for someone who's totally capable of taking care of themselves but chooses not to.

Someone else here had talked about how, when we feel we are "abandoning" someone, we should instead think of it as turning him/her over to their HP. The A is NOT alone, NOT helpless--he/she has all the same opportunities and resources for growth and recovery as we do.

It's hard. My XAH is currently living in the upper unit of my house, partly b/c I'm struggling w/this same thing and partly b/c I have my own fears, financial and otherwise, that I haven't adequately dealt with yet. I get where you're at.

Wishing us both strength and clarity.

Jeni26

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense. Sometimes I feel so strong and secure in my own ability to survive whatever happens, and at other times I'm emotionally very immature. I'm an independent professional woman. I have my own money. Our children are both adults, one is at university, the other living with us while he and his girlfriend save for their own place. I could afford to leave and live alone...but I'm scared of destroying the family I worked so hard to create. We are such a close unit...our kids are best friends...there has been much love and laughter in our house.

But I'm honestly not sure how much longer I can live with this fear and insecurity. When we drank together we were able to sweep any difficulties under the carpet, when we were sober together we grew so close. I have been really happy.

And now...it's like he's throwing it all away and I can only stand and watch. Except I don't think I can do that indefinitely.

honeypig

I understand this, I totally understand this. I KNOW I can't do it indefinitely--but I don't know if I can totally cut the string yet. And since I haven't done that, I KNOW I'm letting myself in for a whole lot of pain and delaying my own healing and slowing down the moving on process.

(((Hugs))) and wishes for some peace and clarity today.

LexieCat

This isn't true. You are NOT him and he is NOT you. You've shared a lot over the years, but his alcoholism is his own.

It's easy to become so enmeshed with another person that you lose your self. That's what I see happening here. You are a professional woman, you have your own money, yet your identity is tied to his.

We have a saying around here--"Let go or be dragged." Your kids are grown, presumably you still have many years of life ahead of you. Do you really want to spend it watching the steady decline of someone who is bent on self-destruction? I'm guessing you're within a decade or so of my age--I'm almost 59. Every year goes faster than the last one. As much as I could never envision myself being old, that is peeking around the corner. I have a lot of things that I want to do that I never pursued because I was busy dealing with my partners' issues (alcoholic and other), and then losing myself for a while to my own alcoholism. I'm doing my best now to make these years count for something.

One other thought--I've never heard anyone in an AA meeting say that s/he got sober because his/her partner stuck around no matter how bad things got. I have, however, heard many people say they recovered when they realized they were about to (or did) lose everything. I'm not suggesting you leave for his sake--just pointing out that you aren't necessarily helping him by staying with him.

honeypig

Thank you for this, Lexie.

Jeni26

And when do you reach that stage when enough is enough?

He is two different people. He shouts and swears, he gets lost in blackout and doesn't remember what he's said or done. He becomes stroppy and unreasonable. He puts drinking above his family.
He is thoughtful and kind and funny. He knows me better than everyone. He has stood by me when I've been lost in depression. He has supported me when I've made my way through weird family dynamics with my parents and siblings.

I love him very much. I led him back to drinking when we both had several years sober, and now he is stuck. The first 6 months or so I thought he could manage, but now he is spiralling.

I guess I cannot envisage a time when we wont be together, but I cannot spend the rest of my life like this. I am 51. I have even contemplated going back to drinking with him, but I cannot. The hell of my relapse is too close, I am barely 4 months sober this time round, and I'm working my program and sticking close to my sponsor.

In 2 weeks I'm going for a weeks break on my own, driving from southern England to Scotland to visit friends. That will take me right out of the situation and give me time to think.

This seems so hard.

dandylion

Jeni.....you know very well, of course, that the alcoholism is progressive. Based on that---it won't stay this good...it will get worse, over time.
Obviously, you are not miserable enough to leave the situation. You are getting enough out of the relationship to stay...even if you can't voice what that is.

As Lexie point out---you aren't helping him by staying (you might even be enabling him). You could be keeping him from reaching his "bottom" if he has a bottom.

Thing is---you don't sound like a happy woman, to me. Even though you are not unhappy enough with the situation to leave....you STILL don't sound happy.
LOL....we don't generally see people coming to this forum because of the joy in their lives (unless they are recovering and "giving back").
Could it be possible that you are so afraid of being alone that you are content to just survive...instead of thriving.
All the time, we see people who are holding on to a warm body and a few crumbs of kindness here and there...because of the fear of being on their own.

It is a blessing, I think, that you are in alanon and working on yourself----because you cannot lose as long as you are doing that. By doing this, you are preparing for your future (even though you are terrified of the future).
But.......the future always comes!!!! Surely, you won't dispute that...lol!
Maybe, through the hard work in alanon....you will come to a p lace in the sun..where you will see the richness in thriving rather than just surviving....

I don't know if you are in AA? If so....the 12 steps there can lead y ou to the same place in the sun.......
You speak of thinking of returning to drink with him as a way to handle your feelings.....OMG---tell that alcoholic voice to shut up!!!

I truly believe that by doing what is the best for y our welfare will be doing the best that you can do for him, also.....

dandylion

LexieCat

The thing is, he ISN'T two different people--everything you see is all HIM. People in the grip of alcoholism often behave horribly, but we are still responsible for what we do when we are drinking--that's where inventories and amends come in.

Whatever you do, don't jeopardize your sobriety. It isn't your fault that he went back to drinking, and it won't be his fault if you go back to drinking. Maybe one of the things you can focus on as you work your program is to become more independent--to rediscover who YOU are, separate from who he is. I think that's healthy whether you are together or apart. It will make you stronger.

Your week-long break might be a great opportunity to think about how you want the rest of your life to look. Maybe you can make that happen while remaining with him or maybe not. Keep an open mind. And remember, too, that sometimes an indefinite separation can give you some perspective. When I left my second husband because I could no longer watch him self-destruct, I had an open mind about what might happen next. As it worked out, he continued his downward spiral and I divorced him when it became clear that nothing was going to change and it was, in fact, getting worse.

Jeni26

Thank you. Being part of this forum is giving me strength. Yes, I follow the steps of AA, and have a sponsor I'm close to. I've also been in contact with a lady I met in AlAnon and I'm going to ask her if she would take me through the steps.

I'm not happy most of the time...and I'm beginning to lose patience with the situation. But I love my family when the kids are home and we all laugh so much. It's in direct contrast to the times I go to bed upset because he's fallen asleep in a drunken stupor after shouting and swearing at me all evening.

I won't drink over this, and I do need to develop my independent self. Yeah, I'm more than a little afraid of that. It is probably because I don't know what it will look like. And I want back what we had. Maybe once I step outside my comfort zone, I will realise it isn't all that scary. I hope so.

dandylion

Jeni.....may I ask....is it about at loss of the life dream of the happy nest with the little birds all nesteled together inside--the image of what your life would look like? (in addition to some other reasons that we have discussed, of course).

dandylion

guava

I wonder if you are actually in love with what he was like or what you think he could be? That tripped me up for a long time and sometimes still does. My XAH's "potential" is amazing, loving and irresistible. It's also not real. I got some great advice here about being careful not to stay stuck loving someone's potential. Look at what is - not what you want there to be. It's hard. (((Hugs)))

(Just saw what dandylion posted...I think we're thinking along the same lines...)

LexieCat

After I split up with the last guy I lived with (not an alcoholic, though he had other issues that posed a problem), I realized I had spent virtually my entire life from adolescence on either in a relationship or shopping for the next one. I was so focused on how to be what would be attractive to someone else that I lost my sense of who I was when I wasn't attached at the hip to another person.

What started out as an indefinite hiatus from relationships has now gone on for ten years. I'm still finding things out--what I like and don't like about myself and other things. Heck, I didn't even know what music I personally preferred, or what kind of restaurants. Today I have a lot of fun exploring things--I go to a lot of rock concerts, for instance--last night I went by myself up to NYC to see U2, made a reservation for dinner at a very interesting little restaurant, and had a great time. This fall I am taking a trip with a group of women (none of whom I've met) to Morocco. I took a motorcycle-riding lesson (lesson there, I'm probably not a good candidate for motorcycle riding--but I didn't know that until I'd tried it). I'm on a very interesting second career. I KNOW I wouldn't have been capable of any of that if I hadn't gotten sober, and I suspect I would have passed on a lot of those things if I were in a relationship--I'd be going where the other person wanted to go and doing what he wanted to do.

I've learned to take care of my own homeowner disasters (unfortunately, I've gotten a LOT of practice in that department)! Bottom line is I am enjoying my life and living it, and I don't NEED someone else to do that. I'll never say I'll never get involved with someone again, but it will have to be someone who enhances my life, rather than someone who completes something that's missing in my own.

dandylion

Jeni....I've gone back, now, and read some of your former posts. I felt so sad...to see what you have put up with......Honey, your "good times" have come at a high price.
I think that you have gotten stuck on the idea that you can only ever be happy, and laugh and have times of joy in your life if you are under the same roof as this man.
Just because you may think that---doesn't mean that it is true. The Universe offers countless opportunities for the experience of happiness and joy and satisfaction---once we allow ourselves to do so.... All happiness is not channeled through this one person.
I strongly suspect that if you allowed yourself to experience your own identity in this world---you would be like the little bird who has been released, finally, from the guilded cage......
Humans are gifted, via MOther Nature, to be able to grow, and adjust and adapt to more than one situation---should they make that choice.....
Have you ever seen anyone as happy and drinking from the fruits of life than Dr.
Ruth? My gosh....that poor girl had every one of her family killed in the holicost and had to flee the country of her birth and still had a male world give her a hard time, here in this country.
That is an example that we can go forth and we can find happiness and satisfaction and joy in living life....You have the same "equipment" .........
You just have to believe.....

dandylion